Why Relationships Feel Hard Even When You Care: An Unfiltered Conversation with Relationship Expert Debra Fileta
Episode Notes
Have you ever left a conversation thinking, That’s not what I meant — and still felt the distance linger?
Do you ever wonder why relationships feel exhausting, confusing, or fragile… even when you genuinely care, pray, and try to do the right thing?
Dr. Alison Cook is joined by counselor and author Debra Fileta for a conversation that names a quiet tension many people live with but rarely articulate.
Sometimes the hardest part of relationships isn’t a lack of love — it’s the gap between what we intend and what others experience.
Together, Alison and Debra sit with questions many faithful, thoughtful people ask privately:
- Why do the same relational patterns keep repeating?
- Why does communication break down so quickly under stress?
- Why do good intentions sometimes land as hurt or distant?
- Why does love feel like it should be enough… but often isn’t?
Anchored in the wisdom of James 1 — quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger — this episode explores what often goes unnamed in conversations about faith and relationships, without offering formulas or quick fixes.
If you’ve ever thought, Why does this still feel so hard when I care so much? — this episode creates space to ask better questions, without pressure to already have the answers.
More Resources:
📥 Grab your 3 free Soul Mending resources here
📖 Pre-order Soul Care by Debra Fileta
If you liked this episode, then you’ll love the following:
Episode 179: Building Wise Trust—How to Protect Your Heart Without Closing It Off
Episode 86: Embracing Conflict—Why It's Essential & 4 Simple Ways to Tackle It
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.
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While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.
© 2025 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage or transcript without permission from the author.
TRANSCRIPT
It's not a lack of love yeah it's a lack of skill yes like this is a skill set
that you've never learned emotional connection emotional intelligence empathy body
language listening skills well here's where we do learn we learn by default and we
learn what's been modeled to us And oftentimes that's not very helpful or healthy.
And so they want to love their spouse. They want to love other people, but the
love that they have gets convoluted instead of conveyed.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. I'm Dr.
Allison, and today's episode is for anyone who has ever thought, I love God, I
genuinely love people, I have good intentions, so why do my relationships still feel
so hard? Or maybe you felt the gap between what you mean to say and how it
actually lands. Because what my guest today names so clearly is this.
Sometimes it's not a lack of love that hinders our relationships. It's a lack of
skill. And I want to anchor that idea in a short passage of scripture that's
deceptively simple, but incredibly practical for everyday relationships. James 1,
19 through 20 says, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to
become angry because human anger doesn't produce the righteousness that God desires.
And I love how grounded this is. Not try harder to be a better person,
not just have more faith, right? Just be more spiritual. but it's a set of skills
we can actually practice. Being quick to listen. slow to speak, slow to anger.
And if you think about it, that is the heart of relational maturity. It's the
ability to stay present, stay curious, and regulate ourselves long enough to actually
connect, right? Being slow to speak, slow to anger, quick to listen.
The truth is many of us were never taught how to do these things. We were taught
how to be nice, which is not the same thing. is what we're saying here in James.
We were taught how to avoid conflict, also not the same thing, or we were taught
to keep the peace or to win an argument, on the other hand, right, to always go
in, right, for the kill or to shut down. and just step out of relationships
altogether. Debra is a licensed professional counselor, a speaker, and she's the
creator of the relationship resource, True Love Dates, many of you are familiar with.
She's also the host of Talk To Me, the Debra Foleda podcast and on -air counseling
style show. And her brand new book is called People Skills. Your relationships are
only as strong as your skills. And it offers 31 practical skills designed to
strengthen relationships and help you make every... interaction count. It's got some
skills, honestly, that you will be surprised by. You don't even realize these are
skills that we can kind of beat ourselves up for not having, but maybe we've just
never learned them. The book comes out in just 10 days and you can pre -order it
now. She's offering some free bonus gifts. When you pre -order, you can head to the
link in our show notes to grab that link where you can find those bonuses. You
will hear us talk about today why so many high -functioning, otherwise well -intended
people still struggle relationally how technology has quite...
our practice of real life connection and that gets at skills, right? We're not
practicing the skills. Why a meaningful apology is a skill and how repair after
rupture changes everything. We talk about how warmth is often communicated before we
ever say a word and one of Jesus' most underrated relational skill.
If you've been feeling discouraged in your relationships, or if you keep running into
the same conflicts, even with the people you love, this conversation will give you
both language and tools because faith shapes our hearts and skills helps us carry
that love into real life in practical ways. I am so excited to bring you my
conversation with Debra Faleta.
Debra, I'm so thrilled to get to have this conversation with you today on the
podcast. It's so good to be with you. I know. I feel like our paths have crossed
every so often at these events, and I always wish we had more time. Yeah, this
will be like our coffee date. Exactly. It's like coffee and a podcast. I would
love, just as we get started, I love the topic of this new book. You're such a
prolific writer, and you're just always creating such great content. This people
skills, such a great topic. I'll tell you a little bit about I've been thinking
about this idea of skill a lot lately. So I'll circle back to that. But I want to
know what prompted you to tackle this topic right now? What are you seeing in your
practice, in your life that is like this? This is a book that I want to tackle
right now. This is a topic. Yeah, I think a few things. First and foremost,
with my clients, I. hear a lot of people struggling with communication and conflict
and personality differences, whether it's marriage clients or individual clients,
there seems to be a lot of struggle with really good people.
Yeah. You know, like when you zoom out, they're very high functioning.
strong christians they're doing all the right things they're they're successful in so
many different areas of life but they're not successful in relationships and it just
doesn't make sense you know when when you when you look at it like what's going on
here and often these couples specifically or even these individuals are people who i
find to be full of good intention yeah and love they love each other they love
people But what it comes down to over and over again, and I found myself saying
this often to my clients, it's not a lack of love. Yeah. It's a lack of skill.
Yes. Like this is a skill set that you've never learned. Emotional connection,
emotional intelligence, empathy, body language, listening skills.
Some of this stuff has literally not been learned or maybe not been modeled to
them. And so they want to love their spouse. They want to love other people.
But the love that they have gets convoluted instead of conveyed. And I feel like as
Christians, that happens to us on a regular basis, too. It's like we have all this
love and we're supposed to love other people. But somehow that love isn't conveyed
the way we want it to. And we're not sure why. But when you zoom. out,
it really is a deficit in this skill set that we've never been taught. I love the
word. I had an expert on the podcast last month who is a psychiatrist at Harvard,
and I don't even know what his faith background is, but he has this line that
says, he says always, I'm not sure it's always, but even if I'm the one who's
frustrated, right, that if I can change my mindset to go, what if this isn't about
will, it's about skill. Wow. And it's kind of what you're saying. You're saying
sometimes the goodwill is there. Exactly. But it lands really off and it can create
a lot of problems when the skill isn't there. And I think that's really powerful
what you're tapping into. And how are we supposed to have the skill? I think it's
interesting because we think that just because we come to Jesus, just because we're
Christians, all of a sudden we're going to have all of these things and
relationships are going to be the way that they should be. But how come that
doesn't happen? to our cholesterol levels or our blood sugar like why do we assume
that with a snap of a finger we're going to have what we need without really
working for it and taking inventory and training in these areas and then add to
that we live in a culture today where our ability to train is getting less and
less. Like you don't even have to talk to a librarian to go in and get the
research that you need to find the books for a project. Like you just Google it.
You just ask chat GPT. You don't even have to go into a restaurant. You don't even
have to go into a grocery store. You just click a button and it gets delivered to
your front door. And usually I choose the option of leave it at my door so I
don't have to talk to anyone. No interaction. No interaction. So even this generation
is growing up with a lack of practice. They don't even have the opportunity to
practice the skill sets because we don't need to.
And I think it's really having an effect on everything and everyone.
So I want to get into, because you have something like 38...
31. 31 different skills. Skills in the book. I want to get into some of them. But
to piggyback on what you're saying, I've had conversations lately, and you and I
just are speaking the same language, right? This is our bread and butter. It's just
our jam of just these things don't happen magically just because you have faith,
just because you're a good person, just because you have the love, the fruit of the
spirit, wonderful qualities, but there's still a need for skill. And I love that
metaphor, that analogy to our cholesterol doesn't magically improve. because we have
goodwill. We have to work at it. I love that. I was having a conversation recently
with a friend about equipping young people to date. And again,
that's kind of in your arena with relational health of like, that's a skill. It's
hard. It's hard to learn how to ask somebody out. It's hard to learn how to say
no or yes. It's hard. It's really hard. And a lot of us didn't learn it.
So how do we teach our kids? that skill. And then to your point, technology is
making it less and less of something that we practice. I hadn't thought about that,
but that makes a ton of sense. Yeah. When you think about just some of the basic
things that keep a relationship thriving, communication, conversational skills,
there is a skill to having a conversation. There are levels of depth to a
conversation. There's a skill to receiving information and listening. And you may have
that skill and you may not have it. There's a skill to our body language. There's
a skill to empathy. There's a skill set to so many different things that,
you know, I listed out 31, but there's probably thousands that we could actually
think of. And I don't know about you. But I don't remember ever getting taught in
a class or in church or on a Sunday morning or sermon or Sunday school or even in
graduate school. Like maybe we got a little bit in graduate school because,
you know, there's certain classes that you have to take as far as like building
rapport with clients and whatnot. We get a glimpse of it in grad school. You don't
even get it in pre -marriage counseling. It's like, so where are we supposed to
learn? Well, here's where we do learn. We learn by default and we learn what's been
modeled to us. Yes. And oftentimes that's not very helpful or healthy.
A hundred percent. Because so often our parents also hadn't learned. Right. They just
figured out what worked, which may or may not actually. May or may not actually be
helpful. I think that is so true. Even when you were saying that, I thought, gosh.
the simple skill of having a conversation. The other thing that I think happens is
some people have a natural, just like any natural talent. Some people are really
naturally talented. They're fast runners. And so if you're not a fast runner, it's
like, well, I just don't have that. Or what's wrong with me? And it's the same
with the art of communication. You're right. Some people naturally have that. And so
I think even, especially in people of faith, I see a lot of that as well. For
folks for whom it doesn't come naturally, there's no shame to that. It's just a
skill. Exactly. You might have to work a little harder to learn, just like I have
to work a little harder to learn how to run or do something that isn't as natural
for me. Exactly. And even those of us who would say they have the natural skill.
I would say I grew up in a family culture with a lot of warmth and hospitality
and interaction. There's probably a part of that that's in my DNA. But just like
somebody who's a good runner, you still have to train to keep that skill sharp,
active to grow that skill, to make it even better, to use it for productive things.
You know, so even for those who do feel like, oh, it comes naturally to me. Well,
first of all, it doesn't all come naturally. Maybe some parts of it do. But there
are still parts of this skill set. that have to be learned, taught,
trained, and practiced in order for us to... Here's the thing.
What's the point? Why are we even doing this, right? Some would say, well, this is
good for you in business and leadership, and you'll have much more influence on
people, much more of an effect on people, much more success, power. That's great.
But really, my heart for this... is that we could convey God's love the way that
it was intended to be conveyed, that we wouldn't get in the way with all that God
has called us to do because of our lack of people skills, that we wouldn't get in
the way. And even when you think about things like church hurt, when you as a
counselor sit back and peel back the layers, you're like so much of this was just
a lack. of skill on one side or the other and misunderstandings and miscommunication
and not understanding our personal triggers. And it just gets murky.
So whether it's in marriage or ministry or in our everyday life, this is our
opportunity to convey God's love and not convolute it by our inability and our lack
of people skills. Yes. We're so quick to go to... And sometimes there is pathology,
right? Deep pathology. But we're so quick to jump to pathology when a good
percentage of it is we're just missing each other. So let's talk about these skills.
I want to get into some. We're not going to get into all 31, but some of these
essential ones. I picked a couple that I am really curious to talk about. But I
want to start by which ones were most surprising to you?
As you were writing about these, which ones were you like, oh, I needed to learn
that or I was surprised by how important that is or let's start there.
Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting because so many of them really do work together.
And I think you don't realize how important they are until you're looking at each
one in isolation. um something as simple as body language so simple so basic you
know one thing i asked on instagram is what makes the difference between someone who
comes across as a warm person and someone who comes across as a cold cooler
demeanored person like let's like we all could say we know what that feels like to
interact with someone Somebody who's like a little cooler versus somebody who's really
warm. Well, what makes the difference, right? Like how do you conceptualize that and
help people learn how to gauge their social temperature? And it was interesting just
kind of putting it out there for polls. You know, people, a lot of people said
your, your smile, the way that your eyes are, the way that you're looking,
you know, are your eyes wide open? Are they good eye contact? your arms and the
way that you express your mannerisms with your hands.
But so many people said smile, facial features, smile, facial features, the words
that people say, the tone. And it was just interesting to conceptualize that in a
chapter about your social temperature. What makes some people more warm and others a
little bit more cool and aloof? And they don't even know how they come across. I
think we talk about the idea of assessing your resting face.
And it's funny because, I mean, people don't necessarily realize that when they're
not being intentional, they can look mean. They can have a resting face that doesn't
look welcoming, doesn't look kind. They're not thinking about it. They've never even
put much thought into it. Even without saying a word,
you can come across a certain way without realizing it. So I think that chapter was
really interesting to write and just to see what different people thought warmth
looked like and felt like and how to start to convey that when we're around people.
That's so, and I'm laughing for two reasons. One, for the folks watching the video,
you and I both, we nod, we smile, right? whether it's therapist training you're
right right we both are are and you feel it you feel oh we're we're but those are
skills those are things you learn i wasn't born doing that you know yes and it and
we we project onto people if someone has a more standoffish oh they might not be
mean and that or they might be mean and it's just they don't learn to smile and
nod Yeah, they haven't learned to communicate with the entirety of who they are.
Yeah. You know, and I think it's really important for us to even just take even
just to have awareness. You know, part of this book helps us assess how we come
across. How do you come across when you walk in a room with people that you don't
know in one of the chapters about how you come across? I have you imagine. walking
into a room with 99 other strangers and everybody's dressed the same. So nobody's
dressed differently. Everybody's dressed in the same, we'll say white, white jumpsuit.
And you don't have a way to express yourself as far as like your hair,
your makeup, your clothing, and it's just you. How would you come across? What would
you be like in that room? Would you be the type of person who's trying to find
people and talk and joke and laugh? Would you be the type of person who's sitting
by yourself in the corner, you know, trying to be a wallflower. Hopefully nobody
notices me. What would be your internal thought process? You know,
I hope nobody notices me or I'm a gift to God's earth. And I hope everybody gets
a chance to talk to me. Like what's going on in your mind and what are you
exuding to the people around you and why? Like, let's even just start there.
You know, I'm curious to know what type of person you're like. If you walked into
a room with 99 other strangers, like what, what's your bet? And then I'll tell you
what I think mine is. Okay. I want to hear. Yeah. What's interesting. I'm listening
to you going because the more aware you become, then you can make a conscious
choice. Exactly. Exactly. Because I think Debra, and I wanted to touch on this
because you talk a little bit about people pleasing. I learned how to always be
smiling and, but. Before I understood that almost subconscious response,
I would feel overwhelmed by people. And so it's almost like I've had to teach
myself the skill, the opposite skill of, gosh, if I don't want a lot of attention
or if I would like to sit back, it's okay. And I can actually shift. Not to be
cold, but to not be as inviting with my face or with my body or with my arm
language, you know, with my hand motions. I can shift that. To preserve your energy.
To preserve my energy. That was like, when I learned that, I thought,
oh my goodness. So I do think my natural tendency, and I remember my dad teaching
us, you know, he said, when you're walking down the halls of high school, you know,
I was a little more shy, but just smile. smile at people and when you smile people
and and it just that so that's kind of what I was taught that's what I learned
and it's true that kind of way kind of just makes you appear like a warm and
friendly person and people respond to that and it's almost like I had to learn if
I didn't want to do that tell me a little bit about yeah I love that really
interesting I would say I'm the type of person who would take initiative I'd
probably walk in a room and want to meet a few people. And probably in my younger
years, I would be much more comfortable with meeting everybody. Now that I'm older,
and I have also learned to kind of invest my energy in certain places,
kind of exactly what you were saying. So in that setting, I would probably not want
to be the center of attention, but I would want to find a smaller group, find
something to connect with them on like what do we have in common yeah what do we
all have in common we don't know anything about each other try to find common
ground that would probably be the first thing is just to try to find common ground
and stick to a smaller group versus try to get to know everybody um and and that's
less draining for me as well like i i find for me One of the things that drains
me is having superficial conversations, like a whole lot of them. Maybe that's why I
love being a counselor. It's like you don't have to chit chat for very long in the
superficial and you can just go deep. But you can only go deep with so many people
before it's exhausting. So kind of limiting that to a smaller group. But it's
interesting to see. Like, why would I do that? What would I do and why would I do
that? And do I like that? Do I want to be that kind of person or not? Is that
helpful or does that hurt me or the group? And why?
You know, if you're one of those people that's more shy. Yeah. We unpack shyness a
lot in this book because. I think shyness is actually rooted in a lot of underlying
beliefs that we've never really faced. That maybe I'm not good enough or something's
wrong with me or I don't have anything to offer and everybody else has something
but I don't. Oftentimes with extreme shyness.
There's an insecurity attached to it that hasn't really been faced, an underlying
belief system that needs to be tweaked and has maybe been influenced by trauma.
And so we just say, well, that's my personality. I'm just a shy person, but really
not facing the underlying insecurities and unhealthy belief systems that keep you
stuck. So the more insight you have, exactly what you said earlier. the more we can
shift and do things differently. Well, and even with, I wonder what you think about
this. with shyness especially in like church culture which is so relational or even
in our extroverted culture also even that reframe of oh I I just I I maybe I'm
not the most gregarious person in the room but I like one -on -one my personality is
such that I prefer to go deep with one person once you know that about yourself
you reframe the there's something wrong with me to this is what I like yeah and
this is how I can use the skills To align in a large group to who I really am.
Exactly. This is what I have to offer. Yeah. You know, sometimes people don't
realize that they have something to offer. Yeah. When you walk in that room of 99
other people, you have something to offer. No matter who you are,
no matter what age you are, what culture, what race, what you look like, what your
gender is, you have something to offer those people. And I don't know that we
always believe that. And so we have this apprehension, these insecurities,
because we don't realize that we really do have something to offer. But when you
can really get to that belief, it changes everything with how that comes up to the
surface. I love that. I love that. I was going to ask you about, you have a
little bit on social anxiety, and that seems like a really valuable reframe to walk
into a room with if there's any anxiety there. I have something to offer. Yeah, I
found that so often with people who do have extreme social anxiety. And I talk in
that chapter about how for me, even public speaking used to feel like a huge ordeal
because my mindset was, what am I going to? What are they going to think of me?
Am I going to be able to keep them entertained? Are they going to like it? I was
so focused on what I was receiving from the audience, their approval, their
admiration, rather than what I was there to give. And when you're there to receive,
it's like you're going to be so anxious because your contentment is based on what
you receive or don't receive. But the moment that shifted for me was when I felt
like, you know, God literally spoke to me one day. This is not about what you are
receiving. This is only about what you're giving. You're going to offer something.
And I don't care about what I'm getting in return. So if it's boo.
that's fine. If it's applause, that's fine. I'm not there to receive it. I am there
to just give, to lay it down and then walk away. And that changes everything in
big ways and small, whether it's walking in a room, walking on a stage, walking
into a group of strangers, walking into the grocery store and interacting with the
cashier at Target or wherever you are. It's like, what do I have to offer in this
exchange? And to believe that you do have something to offer because God has given
you something to offer. It just it really does change how you go through life.
I love that. I love that. I would never have thought I see clips of you speaking
online and you look so self -possessed and so self -assured. So I appreciate.
it's just it's so interesting even just hearing you my own right this is also part
of our culture we see people especially online and they seem so and and just to
hear you say oh I had to work at that I'm like yeah it's just part of all of us
has to work at this it's so true like I said earlier we're not born knowing these
things. If anything, we're born with our trauma history. We're born with our wiring.
We're born with the things that we've seen modeled that maybe weren't so healthy.
And we have to like unpack that and start to do it differently. So,
but you know, it's amazing too. The other fun part about this project was, you
know, as you know, in the counseling world and the clinical world and psychology,
like we get to learn a lot of this really fun stuff, right? One of the chapters
about empathy was straight from one of the lessons I learned in graduate school.
And that was just really neat to see how these things that we've learned in our
education play out in everyday life. But the other cool thing was not just the
clinical piece, like it was the biblical stuff. It was really neat to see even just
through Bible verses and the way that Jesus interacted with people. how people skills
were highlighted in scripture. Yes. You know, and how a lack of them hurts you and
hurts others. And so when you really look at scripture through the lens of, okay,
what are some people skills I can pull from this? You learn a lot. And so it was
neat to just have that kind of scattered throughout the book as well. Give me, I
love an example. Give us an example of something that surprised you about the people
skills you saw in Jesus. I think my favorite one was how many questions he asked
versus direct answers. You know, over 300 questions.
He always posed open -ended, intentional questions. Like, I want to learn more.
You know, I want to get to the heart. Like his questions were just so good. And I
think, again, going back to conversationally. Oftentimes we get into an interaction
with someone and we're more focused on what we have to say or share than about
asking good questions and really getting to know the person in front of us. But to
think that if I were in a conversation with Jesus, he would probably have asked me
a lot of questions to draw. Like, who are you? I'm inviting you to share who you
are and to offer some of those things. And I think that is a gift that we really
can give to people is when we're one -on -one to just be able to look them in the
eye, to be able to block out the distractions. Sometimes it's like, well, what am I
going to say next? And we're not even thinking about what's being said in the
moment, but just to really be present and receive from them. And then intentionally
ask questions that show, I'm really interested in getting to know who you are. I
love that.
I want to ask you about, because you talk a little bit in the book about conflict.
Yeah. Because I think conflict resolution is a skill. And when you're talking about
marriage, families, relationships, especially in the church and faith communities that
a lot of us don't have, I certainly wasn't taught it. How do you talk about
navigating conflict in the book and learning?
We see it in Jesus too, right? It's not that there's never conflict, so it's
certainly not. So how do you think about that and teach people about that? Yeah.
Well, there's a couple of different chapters in here that I would say work around
this topic. And the first one would be the one that talks through different levels
of health in relationships, because I really think depending on the level of health
or lack thereof tells me how much I'm going to invest in conflict resolution,
right? So there's healthy relationships. There's difficult relationships there's the
next level which is like toxic relationships yeah and And so depending on the level
is going to depend on my investment. If this is a toxic relationship we're talking
about, there's going to be less investment in conflict resolution versus if it's
healthy to difficult, I'm going to invest more in conflict resolution. So that's just
the first thing I would say about it. It's good. And then secondly, one thing that
I found that was really interesting as I was writing is to identify, first of all,
which type of relationship it is. And then when it's a healthy to difficult
relationship. Conflict resolution is really interesting. And one thing that I think
I've learned about myself as well is that not all apologies are created equal.
And there's a whole chapter about apology because I think how someone apologizes
really matters. And I know that it's, I found that to be true in my own personal
life and even being married for almost 20 years. Finally, over all of these years,
mastering what a proper apology looks like and feels like for us and then teaching
our kids that. And I talk about how, you know, so many times my kids will do
something and they're trying to resolve conflict. They just hurt each other's
feelings. But the apology is so subpar. It's really like a sorry,
not sorry kind of apology. And you learn a lot from watching them try to apologize.
But then sometimes you see yourself in that. It's like sometimes we're not that good
at apologizing. And so in one of the chapters, I unpack conflict resolution in light
of... a substantial meaningful apology and how there's stages to that of taking
ownership of what you did yeah acknowledging how that might have made the other
person feel talking about what you're going to do differently next time not just oh
i'm so sorry let's move on but okay i see the problem i see what i did i see
how you feel and here's how i'm going to do it differently and then Will you
forgive me for that? Like the way that we repair after rupture makes such a
difference in being able to restore the relationship and move forward versus feeling
stuck. Yep. And so I think it's a big deal. I think it's a much bigger deal than
we make it. Yeah, that's huge. Yeah, there's a lot of that's a really healthy
there's a and I love that about the book, right? There's different components. First
of all, got to make sure you're trying to negotiate conflict with someone who can
do it with you. Right. Not someone where there's but then there's once you're in
that realm, there's still a lot of skill involved. Yeah. Yeah. And it's interesting
when you know, you you've probably see this and working with clients and they say,
Well, I did apologize well. Okay. So I'll say, well, tell me how you apologized.
I told her, I'm sorry you felt that way. You know, wait a second.
Let's back up. Is that actually a proper apology? And how do you seek out repair?
Totally. It's a skill set. And it's ongoing, right? I love what you said about
being married for a while. I noticed even recently, I'm quick to apologize in the
sense of there's a pleasing component to me. And you get to that in the book
where. I'll offer the quick, oh, I'm sorry. And sometimes it's meaningless, right?
I'm not actually, you know, it's just, I'm sorry to smooth things over and move on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have to own my part in, oh, that's also, right?
I kind of know how to put the right words on it, but am I really doing the self
-reflection to go, what's the deeper thing? What's the, and marriage really brings
that, you know, I think we could probably reread this book, you know. Every year,
you know, because the skills get deeper and deeper and deeper, right? They go
together with our character too, right? As our character forms. Yeah. And every
season does reveal. Like I always say God is taking us on a journey of revealing
what he wants to heal. Taking us deeper and deeper in our own personal healing.
Because that. overflows into all of our relationships and so many of these skills
end up being rooted in something deeper yes like where is that coming from let's
dig a little bit underneath the surface what are the belief systems that make you
act this way what are the feelings that have that that contribute to you responding
this way what are the deep -seated insecurities and fears what are the traumas what
are the woundings underneath the surface that make us respond this way or feel this
way about rejection, there's a whole chapter about rejection, and just all the
different things that people might think, well, this is just my personality. But is
it really? And in what factors here are things that you can grow,
learn, transform, heal and change? I love it. I want to just as we're winding down,
I want to ask you a question where we're coming up on Valentine's Day. And I'm
thinking of the listener who would love a relationship in which to practice these
skills, but has had a hard time with that, whether in love or friendship, right?
Who feels lonely or discouraged. What's a simple practice or a skill from the book
that they could start right now? Because again,
to your point, the goal is to be in loving,
you know, loving relationships with others. The goal, you know, for the skill isn't
just to gain success or what, you know, all these things, it's to be in embodied
loving relationships that God designed us to have. So what's one skill that you
think someone might be able to practice, even if they're feeling lonely or
discouraged? Yeah, I would say, especially if you're feeling lonely and discouraged,
because loneliness is a signal. You know,
it's a signal. It's your body's way of saying, I want connection.
Just like hunger is your body's way of saying, I need food. Loneliness is a signal
saying, I need connection. And so, especially if you're feeling lonely, the skill set
of intentionality, you know, who can I connect with in an intentional way?
Who can I text? Who can I FaceTime? Who can I? plan a coffee date with?
Who can I invite to my house for dinner? Who can I invite for a lunch date?
Who can I ask to mentor me? Who could I ask on a coffee date and maybe get to
know them a little bit better? Like, what does it look like for us when we're
lonely to respond to the loneliness with intentionality, to reach out my hand rather
than waiting for someone to reach out their hand to me? but to actually be the one
that reaches out my hand because I am feeling lonely. So I'm going to respond to
that in a healthy way. If we don't respond to loneliness in a healthy way, we will
ultimately end up having to feed it in unhealthy ways. We will be much more
susceptible. To toxic, convenient relationships that are not good for us. To
pornography. To alcohol. To just numbing our loneliness rather than saying,
you know what, I'm going to be intentional. What can I do to be intentional and
make a connection? Because my body is telling me that I was made for a connection.
I love that. I love thinking of intentionality as a skill. Yeah. And it absolutely
is. I love that. Look at your texts. Look at your text history. Do you text people
first and check on them? Or are you more of a responder? Like that's even one way
to know. Am I the type of person who normally I reach out to people? Hey, how are
you doing? I was just thinking of you. Hey, I was just praying for you. Hey,
here's a verse to encourage you. Hey, let's go out and grab lunch. Hey, let's get
something on the calendar. Or do you tend to just respond if you don't forget to
people, you know, because. I say people that lean more towards intentionality are the
ones that have more fulfilled, satisfied, content relationships. So just something to
think about even in our basic everyday interactions. Even I could imagine if it's
hard for you to, intentionality would also encompass showing up, kind of researching
your local groups, activities based, and showing up with intention at,
one that is, you might be inclined to bump into people with whom you have things
in common. Absolutely. You know, whether it's a meetup group or a singles group or
a women's group at church or, you know, a pickleball group, whatever it is, but
like, yeah, I'm going to be proactive and show up with intentionality. That's good.
Tell my listeners all the things you're doing. You've got a lot of different
resources for folks. So tell them where they can find you and the new book and all
the things. Yeah. Well, I typically hang out on Instagram. That's the one place
you'll find me answering DMs and just being present in community there.
Everywhere else is, you know. interns and staff and whatnot, but Instagram and my
handle is Deborah Faleta and my website is DeborahFaleta .com.
And there you'll find all the different books I've written. I actually released my
first children's book this past year as well. So that was really fun. You'll find
information about people skills and all the other books I have. And then you'll also
find a link to my podcast, which is called talk to me. It's on air counseling
style. conversations. And I have a team of faith forward counselors for anybody that
needs help in going a little bit deeper in the journey of healing as well. Yeah.
Can you just touch on that for a minute? It's really amazing what you've, is it
almost all local or is there some virtual component to that? Because that's probably
the number one question I field from folks is how do I find a faith forward
counselor? Yeah, it's all online. It's all via Zoom. And it's,
you know, Christian men and women who are trained, but primarily they are Holy
Spirit filled and faith forward and rooted in God's word. And they all have their
training, which really helps to kind of give them that foundation of how to really
help people. But we work with people of all in all different walks of life, whether
it be marriage. work or individual work, personal healing, um, help with trauma,
you know, all the different things that come up, um, where people just want to go
deeper with God on their journey of mental and emotional healing. And it's called
the Deborah Flay to counselors network. Great. And they can find that at the same
link at your website? Yep. DebraFaleta .com. I just love a kindred spirit.
It's so fun to be able to chat with somebody in this world as well. Because it's
not my day -to -day life. As far as my day -to -day conversations are either with
clients or friends or kids or people I'm speaking to. So I just love chatting with
you. Both you and I are so committed. And again, this is kind of a word I've been
thinking about, this idea of skill. So when I saw your book come through, I was
like, that's it. You know, the skills, which is really different. It's a different
category from often what we get, especially in the relational, emotional landscape.
And, you know, that was my story. I had a lot of Bible knowledge, a lot of
theology, and didn't have a lot of skill. And you need it. And so I think I
really appreciate just to the listener, you've got some amazing resources, and I'm
just grateful for all that you're putting into the world. Well, thank you. And thank
you for what you're doing in this space and just helping people heal. Here's to a
year of God taking us all deeper in our healing journey so that he can take us
wider and helping others heal. Beautiful. I love it. Thank you for joining me for
this week's episode of The Best of You. It would mean so much if you take a
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