Building Wise Trust - How to Protect Your Heart Without Closing it Off
Episode Notes
What if you weren’t meant to trust blindly—but to trust wisely?
Trust is sacred—and when it’s broken, it’s easy to shut down or swing toward over-trusting. In this episode, Alison explores how to cultivate a steady, discerning trust—one that honors both your boundaries and your desire for connection.
In this episode, Dr. Alison explores what it means to build wise trust: the kind that’s discerning but still open to love. You’ll learn practical steps to protect your heart without hardening it, and how to partner with God in cultivating grounded, courageous trust that leads to real connection.
In this episode, we explore:
How broken trust impacts our nervous system and relationships
The difference between naïve trust and wise, grounded trust
How to protect your heart without closing it off
Practical steps to rebuild trust - with yourself, others, and God
Why choosing openness is one of the bravest things you can do
If you’ve been hurt, disappointed, or afraid to let people in again, this episode will give you language, perspective, and hope for what it looks like to trust wisely - and love freely - again.
📥 Grab your 3 free Boundaries For Your Soul resources here
📥 Download Alison’s free printable with the five boundary tools when you sign up for her weekly email.
Here are some other episodes you might like :
Episode 22: How to Build Trust With Yourself.
Episode 117: Healing in the Messy Middle
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.
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Editing by Crema Video
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Transcript
From the moment we are born, we are wired to rely on others for safety.
Kind of the shared trust. If I drop my kids off at school, right, that they're
gonna be safe and that the teachers are gonna be safe. That kind of trust that is
being eroded every single day we need that shared trust. When trust is broken,
something inside us fractures inside, shrinks. We pull back. Here's the good news and
I want you to hear me say this trust can be nurtured, it can be grown and it's
our job to keep our hearts open.
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Hey everyone and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. Today
we're diving into a topic so many of us are struggling with right now. It's trust.
To be honest, I felt pretty disoriented lately, especially when it comes to our
national and global culture. I don't always know who to believe in the news.
I don't always know who to trust from the pulpit, in politics, especially not on
social media. I do know who my safe trusted people are in my real embodied life.
But if I keep my eyes too long on that larger world outside of my own local
sphere, it can feel really disorienting and overwhelming. And I hear this from a lot
of people that I talk to, we're living in a time where this broader sense of trust
is unraveling and it makes us question, sometimes it makes us question ourselves,
what or who can I really trust? It ripples down from the global environment into
our own souls. And I think that's a little bit of what we're seeing happen with
these polarizations in our larger community, because we don't have that sense of
shared trust of common humanity. And so it forces us sometimes or prompts us,
I should say, sometimes to build up walls in our own souls, maybe inadvertently,
right? We wanna pull in. I don't trust anybody. I don't trust anybody except for
maybe a couple of people and God, or on the other hand,
sometimes we outsource our trust. We feel disoriented, we don't know who to trust,
so we latch on to a tribe, right? Like a group of people or a speaker or one
person, we say, I'll just go all in with this person. It's safer to go in with
this group, right? We sort of outsource our trust to a larger group because it's
just easier. It's just too scary. We don't know where we fit. We don't know who to
trust. We kind of lose our own discernment. And neither of those extremes is
healthy. It's not healthy to sort of pull in and just stop trusting altogether, but
it's also not healthy to sort of put your allegiance in with one person or one
community and one group and trust them blindly and not have discernment that starts
inwardly, that starts in your own soul. I want to start with a working definition
of trust. Trust isn't just a belief. It's a felt knowing. It's in your body.
It's embodied. It's the confidence that someone or something is reliable,
good, and safe enough to lean on, that their words and their actions will align for
the most part. Nobody's perfect, but consistently over time. When you trust someone,
you place something of value in their hands. It might be your ideas,
it might be your work, it might be your vulnerabilities, it might be some family
member, it might be your children, But you believe that they will honor and value
what's precious. Here's what I think most people don't understand about trust.
It's not static. It's not a one -time transaction. It's dynamic. It's relational.
It's always evolving. Trust can be broken. It can also be rebuilt. And it's always
earned over time. So I want to give you a picture. For those of you watching, I
have this heart figuring that a friend gave to me in my hands. It's breakable,
it's fragile, and let's say it represents my soul, right? Everything precious inside
of me. Trust isn't about handing this soul,
this literal heart to someone and walking away and assuming it's a one -and -done
kind of thing, right? "Yep, you've got my heart. It's yours. Take good care of it."
That's not exactly what trust is. Instead, imagine you hold something precious.
You hold your soul. You hold your heart in your hand. You learn to hold it a
little more loosely. Over time, you might start to show more of yourself to someone
else. Over time, you recognize this is someone who will help me hold it,
right? Their hands come underneath yours. There's a shared holding.
Over time, as someone proves steady, you might relax your grip a little bit. You
might even let them hold more of your heart. Right? At the same time,
you're also holding their heart. On a larger scale, more people might come in.
There might be many hands holding your heart, and you're holding many other people's
hearts too, right? It's a shared holding. We don't give trust away.
We share it. We hold it together with other people. On a larger scale,
trust works this way in our communities. Social scientists call this kind of shared
holding the glue of society. Without it, our families fracture and our communities
kind of fall apart. Rachel Botsman, she's a researcher on trust. She calls this a
confident relationship with the unknown. And I think about this every time I call an
Uber, like I'm kind of the shared trust that I'm going to get into this Uber and
I'm going to be safe and my Uber driver is going to be safe. Or if I drop my
kids off at school, right, that they're going to be safe and that the teachers are
going to be safe. Or if I send an email to a colleague that, that that colleague
is going to hold what I've shared with honor and with respect. That's a shared
trust in our communities and it's that kind of trust that is being eroded every
single day. We need that shared trust and it doesn't mean that everybody has to
believe the exact same things we believe but we need that shared trust as the
fabric of our societies. Scripture places trust at the very center of life.
Over and over we hear in the Bible, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and
lean not on your own understanding." That's that shared trust. Trust in the Lord.
The Lord's hands are so big to hold your heart with you. Trust begins with God,
the one who is always steady when everything else shifts. But Here's the thing,
guys, the Bible doesn't stop there. Trust isn't only vertical. It's also woven
horizontally. Paul writes that love always trusts.
Loving communities hold hearts together. Throughout scripture, God's people learn trust
not only through their prayers vertically, but also through the ways they lean on
one another. Israel in the wilderness, the church and in acts, right? The households
that Paul greets by name in his letters, there's a shared trust between Paul and
those communities. Trust is always personal and communal. In other words,
you can't compartmentalize trust. You can't say, I'll trust God, but I won't trust
other people. It's not how trust works, or I'll trust these people who all believe
the same way I do, but not these other people who I share a community with. It's
not how trust works. Trust has to be shared in our friendships,
in our churches, in our neighborhoods. And where this idea of shared trust is
practiced, right? This is where it's practiced in these places. It gets broken, it
gets wounded, and it can also get prepared. This is why broken trust cuts so deep.
It's not just disappointment, right? It strikes at the core of what we're made for.
We are made to live in this sort of shared trust. Trust is an luxury. It's a core
human need. From the moment we are born, we are wired to rely on others for safety
and nourishment. When trust is broken, a betrayal by a friend, a leader,
misusing power, a loved one letting us down, something inside us fractures inside,
it shrinks, we pull back, we pull that heart in, it's understandable, we might pull
our heart in or our nervous system might kick into hypervigilance, our stomach can
turn into nuts, we might have a hard time sleeping, our hearts start to race, we
want to go into protection mode, right? We grip tighter. We want to control
everything. Sometimes we want to withdraw. We want to just hide our hearts, our
souls out of sight so no one can hurt us. Sometimes we just numb, right?
We inject our hearts with whatever it is that will take away the fear and the pain
and the anxiety of broken trust. I've noticed these tendencies in myself.
sometimes I've wanted to just tuck my heart completely away. If no one can see it,
no one can break it. You know, that's been my motto at different times in my life.
It also happened spiritually. Distress can make us really cynical. It can make us
subtly apathetic toward God. Or we might grip tighter to religious certainty to the
leaven of legalism, Judgment and criticism of others, that's actually coming from
cynicism by the way, or we might withdraw slowly, stop practicing our faith and just
slip away because we just don't trust God anymore. And the problem is that while
distrust might feel safer in the short term, it always is costly in the long term.
It keeps us from God, it keeps us from others. It keeps us from the joy and the
goodness and the beauty that God designed our souls for and that our world so
desperately needs from us. So if trust is feeling hard for you right now,
I want you to hear me say this. You are not failing. It's not weakness,
but it is a signal that I want you to pay attention to. Whether you're tempted to
sort of cling to certainty or Whether you are tempted to just kind of give up all
together, please hear me say there is another way forward.
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Here's the tension. We can't afford to trust blindly. We don't want to be naive.
That wouldn't be wise. But we also can't afford to live without trust. So what do
we do? Well, for me, when I started noticing this disorientation in my soul,
I started to just ask myself a simple question. Where does trust come easy in my
life? Like, where do I almost not even have to think about it? I just trust, you
know, my husband, my kids. There's just some people in my life that are bedrock.
There's just a sturdy foundation of trust. And then I started noticing, where in my
life does trust come hard? I just find myself getting cynical. I find myself getting
disoriented. I'm like, I don't know what to trust. Oftentimes for me, that's when
I'm online. It's with social media, sometimes the news, sometimes the larger political
landscape. That's just where I can get sort of tempted to get cynical.
And so once I started to notice that, which just helpful to me because it gives me
a simple and quick way to go, "I'm going to move toward the things and the people
I do trust when I notice that cynicism," right? That's when it's time to turn off
the news or turn off social media or not listen to podcasts for a while and just
really focus on my embodied life, my neighborhood, my closest circle of friends,
the work that I do, this work that I to these embodied, tangible places that feel
more real, more grounded, more trustworthy. So often for me, that's my local
neighborhood. That's my local environment where I can be a part of change even when
there has been broken trust, but I can also kind of know in an embodied way where
trust really lives. It also means doubling down on trying to be trustworthy myself,
I want to, what I bring into the world to be trustworthy is best that I can,
I'm not perfect at it, but to try to be true, to try to be authentic, to try to
be someone whose actions align with what I think. And when I focus my attention on
how I can become a more trustworthy person, it helps me kind of counterbalance or
counteract that cynicism, right? because I'm not focusing on trusting out there. I'm
like, how do I become a more trustworthy person? So that's a little bit of what
I've been trying to do, move toward what feels trustworthy and try to become a more
trustworthy person myself. I wanna leave you with three practical steps you can take.
And they're based on the name it, frame it, brave it model from my work in my
book, I Shouldn't feel this way, you might think of it in that context. Maybe
you're telling yourself, "I shouldn't feel so cynical. I shouldn't feel like I can't
trust anyone. I shouldn't feel like I'm struggling to trust God." Right?
Just start there with the naming. With compassion, don't beat yourself up, but just
noticing. I noticed that I'm getting kind of cynical. I'm getting kind of untrusting
of anyone around me. Start there. For some of you,
naming it might mean naming that you're trusting too quickly or too easily.
That maybe for you, you take that heart, whatever object it is that represents your
soul and you give it away too fast and you wind of getting hurt and part of your
naming is I think I'm I'm too quick to outsource my trust and and maybe for me
I'm I'm not really doing my part of co -carrying right co -carrying the weight and
and I need to figure out how to do that right maybe that's how you're naming where
you are on this trust journey. Secondly I want you to move into framing right
Framing, whatever it is that you notice. Framing is the work of discerning with God,
getting curious about what this is about for you. When you're framing a relationship
with trust, you might ask yourself, similar to what I was asking myself, things
like, "Where does trust come easy for me right now? What people do I trust fairly
easy? I know they're going to be there for me. Where does trust feel really hard?
Where are those places where I'm just like, not, not going to trust that person,
right? Just again, notice that and just ask yourself what that's about.
Is there validity to that, right? Maybe there's wisdom in that. And so it's not
that you're being distrustful. It's that you're being wise, right? I'm not trusting
there for a reason. Now, if you notice that, acknowledge that with God, you know,
God, I don't think those are trustworthy places. So I need to filter them out. This
is what boundaries work is about, right? But it's not because you're cynical,
cynicism comes when we kind of keep trusting people and they continue to betray us,
right? But healthy trust comes when we go, I don't actually think that's a
trustworthy person or a trustworthy place. And so I'm going to remove myself from
it. I'm going to protect my heart from that place or that person in a healthy way.
Because then I move toward the people I do trust, right? I'm not going to hide or
withdraw or numb. I'm going to share my heart and my soul with people who have
proven Worthy. That's healthy trust. That's not cynicism,
but that requires a process of discernment, right? Am I withholding and withdrawing
and retreating, but not really moving toward healthy trust? That's the work of
framing is really taking the inventory of the people in places you do trust, move
toward them with intention, right? You're building where you don't feel trust,
where you're not sure, where you've been hurt repeatedly and setting healthy
boundaries in a healthy way, releasing those folks, not giving them access to your
soul or to your heart. Not because you hate them, not because you're angry with
them, but because you've acknowledged through wisdom. That's not a healthy place for
me. You're giving yourself the gift of agency when you do that. You're building
trust with yourself, with God, and you're moving toward healthy co -sharing of trust.
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And then finally we get into the braving step, and this is especially for those of
you who feel like your heart's been shattered. You just feel like, I can't trust
anyone, I'm barely hanging on trusting God, let alone another human, right?
My heart just feels so shattered, I just kind of want to hold it so tight so no
one ever hurts me again, right? For those of you who feel that way and I get it
and there's no shame in it, the braving step is all about what I call microsteps.
Not big, bold gestures. Don't give that heart away, but microsteps of trust.
And those very simply might just look like letting someone carry a very small task
for you, you know? It's almost like testing, not to put someone on trial,
but just to test, just, you know, I'm just gonna see if that person, if I ask
them to do something, or if I invite them to something and it's tiny, there's a
little bit of risk, not very much. See what happens, you know, they seem
trustworthy, I don't know, I'm scared to trust anybody, but I'm gonna take a micro
step toward trust or maybe you share one semi -vulnerable truth about yourself you
just take a small risk you know I'm gonna I'm gonna share with this friend a real
thought that I have you know it's I haven't been really vulnerable for a long time
you might even label it for that person listen this is hard for me but I I want
to tell you something I've been thinking about and here's what it is and and then
you notice How do they respond? Do they hold your heart well or not?
And if they don't, you don't have to share that trust with them again, right? You
can pull back and then you can take a micro step in a different direction. Maybe
trust for you is giving yourself permission to try something new like I'm doing with
this video, you know, where I'm like, okay, I'm going to put myself out there. This
is hard, you know, maybe it'll be a big flop, right? I'll be okay, right?
But I'm going to put myself out there and take a step and see what happens. See
who ends up holding this space with me, right? Giving yourself permission to take a
risk, right? And don't go so far with something that's going to shatter you again,
but a small calculated risk that you go, you know, even if this doesn't go well,
I'm going to be okay, right? But I'm going to try something because I do want to
grow. I want to grow more hands around this heart of mine, whether it's my work,
whether it's my heart, whether it's my beliefs. I want to see if there are more
people who can hold it. That's what we do when we take brave steps. Trust is not
all or nothing. It's not. It starts with these small openings, these micro steps,
these tiny steps of a little bit of vulnerability that over time build strength.
You start to see who's trustworthy with your heart and with your soul and with your
mind. I want to just close here with the word about digital trust because so much
of our world is digital and we do have to figure out who to trust out in the
digital space. Here's the thing that's true. Our brains and our nervous systems are
wired for cues, right? Trust grows in repeated interactions and shared environments.
And that's really hard to replicate online. It's really hard to replicate digitally
where there's no real feedback loop, right? That intimacy can feel real,
but it's one -sided, typically. We don't know how that person would respond to us in
real life. And so it can be tricky to discern trustworthiness online. There's a
couple of things you can look for. I think it's, it's not impossible, right? There
are things we can look for to, to develop a sense of who we trust and who we
don't. What are the ones that I think about is who's this person accountable to,
right? Who do they, what systems and, and what checks and balances do they place on
themselves, right? Do they admit when they're wrong? Are they consistent over time.
Do they honor shared wisdom? Do they turn to scripture? Do they look to science?
Do they look to other experts, to community, or do they set themselves up as the
only authority?
How do they treat the most vulnerable? The widow, the orphan, the poor? How do they
speak about people who are vulnerable? You know, even if they have differing opinions
about how our governments should treat folks, should treat folks, what's their posture
toward those who are hurting the most? I think that's an important measure of
trustworthiness. But just to be discerning, be discerning. People it's so important
for us to be discerning about who we expose even in the digital world that hurts
our minds and our souls too. We are living in tough times when it comes to trust,
we just are. But I will say this, the fact that we feel that actually is a good
sign. It means that it matters. It means that our souls are intact, right? The fact
that our souls feel fractured, the fact that our souls are longing for something
more beautiful, more good, co -sharing, right? The fact that our souls want places of
work, schools, universities, institutions where we can trust that for the most part
we'll get each other's backs as human beings. The fact that we long for that and
the fact that we're feeling a little disoriented and shattered right now is a real
good sign of health to be honest. So take heart in that sense if you're feeling
some of that cynicism or some of that fragility don't let it become cynicism but it
is a sign of a soul that's intact. We were designed to live in community with
other people who care for us and for whom we care. That's part of God's design for
our souls. Here's the good news. And I want you to hear me say this. Trust can be
nurtured. It can be grown. And it's our job to keep our hearts open, not blindly,
not naively, but open to trust. And here's what I want you to consider this week.
I love this for you and I'm excited. I'm going to do it with you. I want you to
find an object of your own that represents your own heart, just like this one I'm
holding here. It can be anything. And I want you to reflect on it this week
prayerfully and ask yourself, who is holding your heart represented by this object?
Who's holding it with you right now? What people or communities have shown themselves
steady and trustworthy in in your life. Just notice that with gratitude and give
thanks for those people.
And also notice, where do you notice distrust rising up, where you're tempted to
tuck your heart away, to hold it back to withdraw and maybe even grow cynical. And
I want you to also notice that and name that and talk to God about that. And then
I want you to ask yourself What's one small step you can take this week toward
building trust? Maybe it's leaning into a relationship that has proven to be safe.
Maybe it's creating distance or setting a boundary where there hasn't been safety,
right? To prove to yourself and to God that you are trustworthy with your own
heart. Maybe it's taking a break from social media, maybe it's taking a break from
the news to protect your heart and then moving towards someone in your real life to
have those conversations with instead of doing it online. My hope is that this
space, whether you're listening or watching, can be one where your heart feels held
and that together we can keep growing in trust in God, in each other,
and in the deepest parts of ourselves. Thank you for joining me for this episode of
The Best of You. Be sure to check out the show notes for any resources and links
mentioned in the show. You can find those on my website at drallisoncook .com. That's
allisonwithonelcook .com. Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that
you don't miss an episode. And I'd love it if you'd go ahead and leave a review.
It helps so much to get the word out. I look forward to seeing you back here next
Thursday. And remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God,
you heal others, and you stay true to your God -given self.