Why Rejection Hurts So Much—and How to Stop Abandoning Yourself When It Happens
Episode Notes
Rejection has a way of feeling bigger than the moment itself.
A missed invitation. An unanswered text. A friendship that seems to be slipping away. An opportunity that goes to someone else. Even when we can understand why it happened, something inside us can begin telling a much older story: I'm not enough. I don't belong. This always happens to me.
In this deeply personal solo episode, Dr. Alison shares a recent experience with rejection and explores why present-day disappointments often awaken wounds from the past. Drawing from Psalm 27, attachment psychology, and the healing practice she calls Recognize and Return, she offers a compassionate framework for tending the sting of rejection without letting it define your worth.
You'll learn:
- Why rejection often activates emotional memories far older than the present moment
- How to recognize when today's hurt has become an old inner narrative
- Why logic alone can't heal wounded places inside us
- How self-compassion helps right-size present disappointments
- The difference between extending grace to others and abandoning yourself
- A practical practice for moving through rejection with God's loving presence
Rejection may still hurt. But it doesn't have to become the story you tell about yourself.
Healing begins when today's pain is allowed to be today's pain—instead of carrying every hurt you've ever known.
More Resources:
You can now preorder Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul, and immediately receive the first 3 chapters as well as early access to the companion guide!
Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram
Curious what Family Role may have shaped you? Take the Family Role Quiz to learn how you may be showing up in your relationships with others.
Want to hear more like this? Start here:
Episode 201: “This Must Be My Fault”—Why We Take Rejection So Personally
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
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TRANSCRIPT
Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Allison and welcome back to this week's deep dive episode of The Best of You.
Today I want to talk to you directly about rejection. Rejection to me is such a strange phenomenon,
especially as an adult, because sometimes the actual event that triggers that feeling of rejection
is relatively small. Maybe someone doesn't respond in the way you hoped that they would.
Maybe you're not included at an event. Maybe you reach out to someone and the door closes or nobody
even bothers to reply. Maybe a friendship shifts. An invitation doesn't come.
An opportunity goes to someone else. And here's the thing that I notice happening in my life.
You may even understand why this is happening. Maybe you can create a perfectly reasonable
explanation for the other person's behavior. Maybe you can even give them a charitable spin on why
this might have happened. And still, something inside of you begins to hurt, almost as if this one
moment is carrying the weight of every time you have ever felt overlooked. unwanted,
or like you don't belong.
This is what I want to talk about today because I have a real-time, real-life example I want to
share with you of how this work that we've been talking about so much on the podcast collides with
these moments of rejection and what happens when a present-day rejection lands on an old wound
deep inside and how do you acknowledge that something hurt without creating a story that there is
something wrong with you? How do you have... for someone else without abandoning the part of you
that feels disappointed? And how do you keep one closed door, one moment of rejection from becoming
a verdict on your own worth, your own sense of belonging, or your own outlook about your future?
I used to think that because I struggle with rejection, it was a sign of insecurity.
But one of the things I'm coming to believe with all of my heart, especially as I put this book
into the world, it's that a secure soul doesn't become immune to rejection. Security doesn't mean
you never feel hurt when someone doesn't choose you. It doesn't mean you stop longing for
connection, inclusion, belonging, friendship. or love. Those are marks of a beautiful soul.
And even if your soul like mine is sensitive to rejection, this is not something we need to change
about ourselves. A secure soul learns how to tend to the sting. It learns how to recognize when
today's hurt has touched on older places inside of you. And it learns how to return that place to
loving presence. I want to anchor our discussion today in Psalm 27.
This psalm begins with confidence. The Lord is my light and my salvation.
Whom shall I fear? But as the psalm unfolds, we also hear the vulnerability.
We hear David's fear of being abandoned, ignored or turned away. He says it like this,
hear my voice when I call, Lord, be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you,
seek his face, your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger. And then in verse 10,
David says, though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
And I want you to hear me say that again, the Lord.
I love this passage because David does not pretend that rejection doesn't matter.
He doesn't say, God loves me, so I shouldn't care what anybody else thinks. He doesn't shame
himself for wanting to be heard, seen, received, responded to, or welcomed.
He names the deepest fear underneath the rejection. Please don't turn away from me.
Please don't hide your face. Please don't leave me here alone. And then he remembers,
even here I am received. Even when someone else cannot make room for me,
I still have a place. Even when a human relationship falters, I am not abandoned by love.
I was planning for this episode last week when I got my feelings hurt deeply.
Someone I really wanted to stay connected with. Someone I thought I was developing a friendship
with shut a door on me. And it wasn't dramatic. It wasn't even a huge betrayal.
It was just sort of a quiet sense that what I was really excited about developing wasn't as
meaningful to the other person. and it hurt it stung me somewhere deep within and what was
interesting is that big part of me was genuinely understanding about what had happened. I could see
that this person was likely overwhelmed. She was probably doing her best. Maybe she didn't have the
capacity. Maybe she was trying to manage too many demands, too many things on her own plate. And
this was simply one more thing she couldn't take on. And I really wanted to try to give her that
charitable interpretation and not take it personally. Maybe it was personal. I didn't know. I mean,
she handled it very deftly, but it still hurt in that sense of she was clearly... setting a
boundary on her limits. And I know enough to know that the therapist part of me knows that when we
can interpret someone else's behavior in the most generous way, it's actually better for us. It
actually helps us. We don't have to immediately assume the worst. I was trying to do that, right?
I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. And tell myself she's likely overwhelmed. She's
likely doing the best that she can. I don't think this is personal. And I think that explanation
was likely true. The truth is I understand what that feels like. I also know what it's like to
reach. the end of my own capacity. I know what it's like to miss an email or take too long to
respond or even have to decline an opportunity or close a door or narrow a window,
you know, not be as available as I've been. And I hate having to do that, but I understand what
it's like sometimes when life gets full and you can't always be who the person on the other end
wants you to be. And so because of that, I have empathy and yet it just still hurt.
You know, I couldn't. talk myself out of it. I couldn't. I couldn't figure out how to logic my way
out of feeling this kind of festering pain inside. Even with all the empathy in the world,
with all the perspective in the world, with all the logic in the world, none of it was really
taking away that sting. And throughout the day, I just kind of noticed that there was just that
lingering feeling of that didn't feel good. And then those inner narratives that, again,
I haven't necessarily felt in a while, but that are very familiar to me. You know, did I do
something wrong? Was I too much? Did I try too hard? Did I somehow do something to make this
happen? And then there's another narrative that can rise up from an even deeper place within.
Why does this always happen to me? Why do I never belong? Why do I always get that closed door in
the face? And I could feel the beginnings of this old narrative.
And this is in... to notice because this narrative inside that goes way back is often that clue
that something inside of us is telling a story that isn't only about this present event.
Because I was aware that that old narrative didn't really apply to this situation,
but I couldn't shake. The feeling, I couldn't get that sting to come out from deep within my soul
where it had gotten lodged. And this is the thing about narratives. They often transform a painful
moment into a deeper wound. You know, something hurts and then our minds begin to try to explain
why. Maybe the door closed because I'm not... enough maybe she didn't make room for me because i'm
not important maybe i wasn't invited because i just am not someone who really belongs or maybe this
happened because there's something wrong with me And here's the thing, the disappointment is real,
right? I don't want to minimize the reality of that current disappointment, but when that
disappointment starts gathering all this random data from your whole life and creating a story
about it, it reaches all the way back to every single time that we've been excluded,
every single time a friendship ended, every single time that someone else was chosen and we
weren't. And it creates this story. See? This is what always happens to you.
And it was such an interesting experience in that moment because I've done a lot of work on this.
And again, part of me, a big part of me understood that this, this faint whisper of a narrative
inside was old news, that I didn't have to go there, that I didn't have to let it fester.
And so I was doing okay. I wasn't spiraling. I wasn't lashing out, but I was aware of that inner.
narrative, that the traces of it, the whispers of it that were still there. And I also knew from
the past that it had potential to fester. I didn't want it to fester into resentment.
I didn't want it to fester into that old story that I can start to tell about myself,
that I'm not good enough, that I'm not as good as other people, that I don't deserve a seat at the
table, that what I do doesn't matter enough. You know, I didn't want to go there. I've come so far,
right? Throughout the day, I just kind of checked in. I was aware that the logic wasn't working.
And that evening, I was in my room before bed. I was by myself and I...
in this habit of, I get down on my knees and kneel at my bed because it helps me not fall asleep so
that I can say my prayers before bed. And I've learned this from my husband. He's super disciplined
about this. I talk about this in the Secure Soul in the opening chapter, if you've read this, sort
of my journey with prayer. But I've learned that this is a really helpful, just getting on my
knees. And I thought of all the Psalms that we go through every week on the dailies,
the daily podcast episode. And I just talked to God about it. I just cried out to Jesus,
you know, and I, and immediately what I teach, this process that I teach kind of came into my
conscious awareness from the Holy Spirit.
And I almost instantly got a picture in my mind and my imagination of myself at 13,
maybe 14, this young, tiny, I was such a late bloomer. giant teeth,
crooked teeth, you know, funny little permed hair. The kids called me toothpick because I was so
tiny. I was such a late bloomer. And I was on in this particular memory. I just, in my imagination
that the Holy Spirit just brought to mind, just on the school bus that I rode to the middle school
in our town. It was a long ride. We went all the way across town in this school book with just all
the kids. And just that feeling, all these different images kind of came into my mind.
In that moment, just a lot of my friends, my girlfriends who were already starting to kind of like
boys and be into boys a little bit. And the boys were passing notes to them and kind of flirting
with them on the bus. Or they were athletes and they had like their athletic wear with them.
I grew up in a really athletic sports town and I wasn't very notably athletic. I was not made to be
an athlete in that context. And just that feeling of sitting there and kind of watching everybody
else seem to belong. with each other you know seem to be on the team be in the student council be
in a relationship be be at the parties be at the school dances and i was just felt in my own soul
like i didn't belong anywhere definitely not with my peers at that time And the thing is,
looking back, I don't know that any of my peers really felt like they belonged either. You know,
that's the funny thing about these childhood wounds. Now I can see that, but it doesn't matter.
My experience in that moment was just of everybody else has a seat at the table,
but me. I'm sitting here all by myself. There was just a part of me that always kind of felt like I
was watching everybody else live out their lives while I was on the sidelines. And I can just still
feel that energy inside of me of when will it be my turn? When will someone notice me? When will
somebody choose me? When will I get to be on the team? When will I get a seat at the table? When
will someone let me in?
That feeling stayed with me through much of my teen years, much of my adolescence. It wasn't only
attached to one dramatic incident, right? It was sort of like the emotional atmosphere around me.
I share some of the stories from that season that really kind of lodged that narrative deep inside
in the secure soul. But that theme that other people belong. I'm on the outside. Other people are
chosen. I'm not. Other people know how to enter into life while I'm just watching here from the
sidelines. It's just a really strong feeling at times inside of me. And in that moment of prayer,
in that moment of reaching out to God and of connecting to that younger version of me,
as the Holy Spirit kind of brought that memory to mind, I realized that that email,
that recent closed door, as minor as it was, had landed directly on that old wounded place inside.
The present situation had hurt, yes, but it had also really tapped on that old tail wound of that
13-year-old girl who's still asking, when will somebody finally let me in?
Right? And all of my logic didn't touch that. root place, that place where the wound is still to
some degree or another alive inside of me. And here's the thing that's so interesting to me when we
connect to the old narratives, to the old place of the wound. It's counterintuitive because we
often think that when we look back, toward that history, when we look back toward that younger
place where some of those core messages took root, that it will make us feel worse.
And if you've never done this work before, and if you have deep trauma, it can be overwhelming.
So I want to be clear. I've done a lot of this work, and these were not big T traumas. These are
more... you know, wounds. These are hurts, right? So if you've had big T trauma where you're going
all the way back to a really painful place you've never looked at, you want to do this work with a
therapist, with a guide. But when we learn how to be with that place inside where those wounds
first formed, especially in the presence of a loving God, of the Holy Spirit who wants to bring
that healing presence to every part of our souls, when we can be present with that part of us, it
brings self-compassion. Suddenly I had compassion. for myself, I thought, oh my gosh,
I feel for that young girl. That was hard. That was painful. And it went on for a lot of years.
And she really felt like she didn't belong, like she was an outsider looking in at other people.
And I get why I feel this way. I get why this particular kind of rejection. It's hurtful to me.
And suddenly I had compassion for myself. And suddenly my whole nervous system kind of softened. I
wasn't trying to beat myself up for feeling this way. I wasn't trying to talk myself out of it. I
wasn't trying to kind of sideline the feeling. I was just with this younger part of me and a really
compassionate. way and I could see for her what I couldn't yet see for myself,
which was, yes, this hurt. I could be with her in that hurt without trying to talk her out of it.
I could be with her in that feeling of rejection. And I could also be with her as an adult who had
more perspective than she had. I could see more clearly the truth for her and I could help remind
her and therefore myself of the larger truth that... not trapped on the outside of your life.
This one person's lack of capacity is not proof that you are unwanted.
One closed door does not mean every door will close. There will be people who do invite you in.
You do have a place. You have been chosen in countless ways. Good things have come to you and good
things will come. again. And I could see that in a way as I connected with her and the current
disappointment became right-sized again. It still hurt.
I still wished the situation had worked out differently. It still was like, ouch, I wish that door
had opened, but... became today's hurt instead of every hurt I had ever carried,
right? Somehow in that place of being able to imagine that younger version of me and holding space
for her and inviting God's presence to be with her all together helped my nervous system soften,
helped me find that compassion to return to myself in the present moment.
And here's the thing, healing doesn't always mean the pain or the hurt immediately disappears.
Sometimes healing means that today's pain no longer has to carry your entire history.
A rejection can be disappointing without becoming proof. that you are unworthy.
This is a big part of the healing journey, that those old wounds from the past no longer have to
narrate your present story. A closed door can be painful without becoming evidence that you will
never belong to anyone. Someone can lack capacity for you without that lack becoming a measure of
your value. And this is all rooted in the psychology of rejection.
Our present experiences, the experiences we have today with our friends, with our spouses,
with our families, with our loved ones, these do not occur in isolation. They interact with our
emotional memories. Sometimes we consciously remember those memories, but often we don't.
They're often operating outside of our conscious awareness. may not think, you know, this
unanswered text reminds me of middle school. Those dots might not be connected immediately in your
mind. Instead, you simply feel the familiar emotional conclusion,
that narrative. I don't matter. I'm unwanted. I'm too much.
I'm not good enough. It must be me. I'm the problem.
And it can feel as though the present moment is generating all of that intensity, but often the
present moment has touched a place in history. And that doesn't mean you're being overly sensitive
or overly dramatic. It doesn't mean you're being emotionally immature. In fact, the road to healing
is becoming aware of those places inside where the wounds still live,
right? And when that happens, arguing with yourself or criticizing yourself or trying to logic
yourself out of feeling that way doesn't... You can't shame a young place inside of you that's
never known loving presence into feeling something it's never felt. You can't lecture yourself into
security. You can't sort of badger yourself saying, this is ridiculous. Stop caring so much and
expect it to work. That younger place inside of you also needs care.
It also needs connection. It also needs your compassionate. presence.
That younger place inside of you needs the truth spoken in a way it can receive. It needs
parenting, maybe the kind of parenting you never got. And the good news is this,
you can bring that healing. You can bring that presence in partnership with God's spirit to those
places even now. This is part of what I call the process of recognizing and returning.
You recognize what is happening inside of you. You notice the thoughts, the narratives,
those festering feelings, maybe of resentment, the self-doubt, the old story beginning to form.
And you become curious instead of critical. What is this about? What is this reminding me of?
When have I felt this before? What conclusion am I beginning to draw about myself?
How old does this part of me feel? And you begin to recognize these inner movements with
compassion, with curiosity and without shame. And then you return. You return to that place with
compassion and with God's loving. presence. I mean,
the beautiful thing about God's loving presence is it doesn't know the bounds of time or space. And
so when you connect with that memory, with that place inside where the narrative still lingers,
where the wound was first formed, God's loving presence goes back in time and is with you right
there where you need healing the most. And through the miracle of God's design,
we are able to bring every part of ourselves back into loving presence.
This is the theological movement we see in Psalm 27. David doesn't bypass his feelings about
rejection. He names it. He brings it into the light. He says, hear me, answer me.
Do not hide your face. Do not turn me away. These are the prayers of someone who longs for
connection. And then he says, your face, Lord, I will seek. He brings the fear of being turned away
into relationship. He doesn't suppress the longing. He doesn't deny the ache.
He directs that aching place inside of him toward the one who can meet him in it.
And it's then that he remembers, the Lord will receive me.
Every part of himself is now connected to the truth that God's love receives him,
that he is loved even here. And here's the thing. God's welcome does not mean that human rejection
stops hurting. We were created for connection. And I hate the experience of rejection.
And I hate that I feel it. And I hate that many of you listening will relate to this story.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. Sometimes when I imagine heaven, this is what
I imagine. I imagine us all finally being with one another without the rejection, without the pain,
without the small feelings, without the insecurities. We're just with each other in love.
That's a miracle. We were created to live in connection with one another.
We need friendship. We need love. We need community. We need to belong. It's not immature or weak
to care when another person shuts a door. But God's welcoming presence to every part of us keeps
another person's rejection from becoming the final authority on who you are.
God receiving you means that there is no closed door that can remove you from the place where your
deepest lies. belonging begins. Another person may not recognize your value.
They may not create room for you at their table. They may misunderstand you. They may choose
someone else. They may even act carelessly or unkindly, but they do not get to determine whether
you are worthy of belonging. They do not get to determine whether you are worthy of love.
They do not get to define your place. in the world, and they do not get to write the ending of your
story. And this is where we also begin to hold two truths together.
When we feel that sting of rejection, one of two things can happen. Sometimes we rush to be so
gracious that we rush too quickly to the other person's perspective. We make excuses for the other
person. But in doing so, sometimes we bypass our own hurt. But on the other hand, sometimes we rush
to blaming the other person. We harbor resentment. We make up excuses about their character that
may not actually be true.
does is it allows you to hold compassion for yourself and an open posture toward the other person.
As you're compassionate toward yourself in that moment of rejection, it also gives you more
perspective about what happened with the other person. Maybe you'll never know what happened,
but you'll be able to mentally let it go, let them off the hook, kind of a go in peace.
Maybe I'm not going to give you a lot of my time or energy anymore, but I'm not doing it out of
resentment. I can genuinely just let you go, right? And there's such peace in that,
especially when you don't really know what happened. Maybe if the person really did hurt you and
maybe they did do something wrong and they're not owing up to it, once you've been compassionate
toward yourself, you're more able to walk through an actual process of forgiveness. Or in some
cases, maybe you'll soon discover that this person actually does care about you, that they,
for whatever reason, let you down in that moment, but that it wasn't worth getting resentful or
cutting off the whole friendship. Maybe you'll work through a... process of repair or you'll
reconnect. So the goal of this work of self-compassion,
of being with yourself at the place of rejection is so that you,
in partnership with God's Spirit, have tended to your own soul and you can move forward in peace
regardless. of what happens and as you do this work you keep the wound from becoming resentment
toward another person or a verdict against yourself
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So the next time rejection stings, here are a few questions you might ask yourself.
First, what actually happened? Try to name the present hurt factually without minimizing it,
but without trying to interpret it. So maybe that's the fact that someone didn't respond. Or maybe
they said no. Or maybe you didn't get invited. Or maybe this relationship has changed and this
other person isn't making time for you in the way they once did. These are all facts.
So first, look at the facts. What happened? Second, ask yourself, what is the most gracious
explanation you can honestly offer? Not a false... and not one that denies harmful behavior,
but the most generous explanation that actually still respects reality.
Is it possible that this person is overwhelmed? Are they limited? Are they afraid?
Are they distracted? Are they simply unable or unwilling to give what you hoped they would give?
Third, notice where the disappointment starts to become an inner narrative.
What are you beginning to conclude about yourself? Maybe you're starting to notice those faint
whispers or loud shouts of, I don't matter. This always happens to me.
No one wants me. I'm always overlooked. I'm too much. I'm not enough.
I'll never belong. Right? Start to notice those inner narratives. Next,
do a little journaling prayerfully with God. Ask yourself when you first remember feeling that way.
What memory comes to mind from when you were young? You don't have to force a memory,
but simply get curious about the history of this narrative. Does it remind you of being on a school
bus or in a classroom? Does it remind you of an old relationship?
Maybe of a relationship in which it always felt like you had to earn your place and couldn't quite
fit in? Just notice this is a younger place inside of you that's carried a history.
And then as you pray or as you journal, bring that younger place, that memory, that place where
this narrative lives into connection with God and with you. What does that younger version of you
need to hear from your present day self?
Maybe she needs to hear your validation. Yeah, this hurts. I'm with you. Maybe she needs to hear
your perspective. You didn't cause this closed door. Maybe she needs to hear your reassurance.
You do not have to prove your value. You are not trapped in the past.
You have choices now.
And then ask what that younger place needs to receive from God. Maybe it's the simple truth of
Psalm 27 that God receives you. God does not turn away from the tender,
disappointed places inside of you. That God's face is not hidden from you.
That you are never left alone on the outside.
And then lastly, return the present disappointment to its proper size.
You might ask yourself simply, what is true about this moment? And what is not true?
It may be true that this door closed. It is not true that every door will close.
It may be true that this person did not choose you.
unworthy of being chosen. It may be true that you are disappointed. It is not true that you're
stuck back in the past. It may be true that you feel alone. It is not true that you have been
abandoned by love. This is one of the most healing practices that I found is learning to let
today's hurt be today's hurt. And it starts by noticing those tender places inside that are longing
to return. to love. May you have the courage today to acknowledge when rejection hurts.
May you resist the urge to turn someone else into a villain or yourself into the problem.
May you recognize the younger places where today's disappointment has landed. May you meet those
places with tenderness, with truth, and with the steady presence of God. May you be gracious toward
others without abandoning yourself. And may you let today's pain become today's pain instead of
every pain you have ever carried. You are not standing alone on the outside.
If you found your way to this place, there are so many of us who are right there with you.
And above all, there is a God who receives you. You are already held in love.
Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Best of You. It would mean so much if you
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