The Healing Power of Safe People (Not Just Safe Spaces)
Episode Notes
What do you do when relationships feels risky after you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or let down, yet you still crave real connection?
This week, Dr. Alison is joined by speaker, and author Toni Collier, for a powerful and honest conversation about healing through community and learning how to trust again after deep pain.
Toni shares her story of betrayal and loss, and how she discovered the power of safe people - the kind who can hold your heart without judgment and help you rebuild when life falls apart. Together, they unpack what real friendship looks like and why isolation, while it feels safe, can slowly destroy us.
You’ll walk away with language for repair, courage to take off your “strong friend” cape, and practical wisdom for finding (and becoming) the kind of people who can walk with you through both heartbreak and healing.
This episode explores:
Why healing requires safe people, not just safe spaces
How to build a community that can hold your story
The difference between isolation and refuge
The courage it takes to say, “I need help”
The three steps to finding and keeping trustworthy friends
You can find Toni’s powerful book here:
📚Don't Try This Alone: How to Build Deep Community When You Want to Hide from Your Pain
Here are some other episodes you might like :
Episode 104: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
Episode 76: Finding the Faith & Strength to Move Forward after Loss & Heartache
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.
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What I went through was extremely painful, and God has a plan for our pain. Every
single question, feeling, everything that I wanted to process, I called someone. It
was your community that became the holding place for the big emotion. So I'm going
to go to a safe person. I loved that you highlighted the safe person aspect because
I think people are using the phrasing, you know, this is a safe space. But we
don't build safe spaces. We connect with safe people. It's not a rupture that ruins
a relationship. It's the love.
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You.
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. Here we
are on video. I still kind of can't believe that...
go it alone. I can just do better by myself. I won't risk being hurt.
And if that's you today, today's episode is, I hope, just a hand on your shoulder,
a quiet, honest, non -shaming, gentle invitation back into community.
Today I'm joined by someone who has lived this message in real time, Tony Collier.
Tony has been on the podcast before. We love Tony. She's so real. She's an author,
a speaker, and the founder of Broken Crayan Still Color and the Still Coloring
podcast, where she invites honest stories of healing and resilience. And Tony has a
brand new book out. And since we're on video, for those of you watching, I can
show it to you. It's called Don't Try This Alone, how to build deep community when
you want to hide from your pain. It's something we can all relate to. And it's
such a tender, courageous guide based in Tony's own story, which she's going to
share a little bit with us about today, about finding the kind of people who can
help you hold what feels overwhelming. Some of the worst life experiences are
mitigated when we have people who can come around us. It's how God made us to live
in this world that he's created. And also, we're going to talk about how to become
that type of person for others. In this conversation today, Tony and I talk about
why safe spaces are really made by safe people. The three key steps needed as you
build authentic, safe friendships and what it looks like to walk through betrayal,
rupture, and repair without losing your own soul in the process. And Tony gives
language to things so many of us have felt but haven't known how to name. A few
highlights I want you to listen for today is how Tony talks about living on
offense, not defense. She had built this community before the crisis hit.
So there was a net to hold her during crisis. It's such an important thing I want
all of you to have. Is that safety net in place. God forbid a crisis does come.
You want it to be there, right, to hold you when that crisis hits. She talks about
the difference between isolation and refuge, right? Hiding can feel protective, but
healing requires presence and how repair is a skill. And it isn't the rupture that
ruins relationships. It's the absence of repair. And she offers practical, gracious
language for coming back to the table when things get bumpy. If you're new to
Tony's work, you'll hear the same heartbeat that runs through all of her work, this
conviction that your story isn't over and that beauty can emerge right in the middle
of the mess. And if you've been following her for a while, you're here the deep
wisdom that has been formed in her through these last few years and some really
personal confessions and stories that I was just, well, it brought both of us to
tears, to be honest. I also want to say as someone who cares deeply about the
integration of faith and psychology, I think Tony's new book is a real gift. It's
honest about pain and equally honest about hope. So if you've ever wondered, where
do I find people who can help me hold all that I'm going through? How do I become
a safer person for other people? This conversation is going to meet you there.
So let your shoulders drop while you're listening and maybe invite God's spirit to
just tap you at whatever part of your soul needs to hear something from this
message. I'm thrilled to bring you my conversation today with Tony Collier.
What I think is really powerful about don't try this alone, the title in and of
itself and the book itself is it's really about the importance of safe, authentic
community for healing. And we know this. And so we'll get into the how you find
that if you don't have it and how to create it. But I want to start with your
story because the impetus right for your need of this community, which thank goodness
you had the scaffolding for when the crisis hit which doesn't always happen was a
betrayal in your marriage a significant betrayal that led to a divorce yeah can you
share with us about the moment you learned about the betrayal it was out of the
blue as i understand it yeah um and and just how that played out yeah so i i
will never forget the day it's september 19th 2023 23. You know, oftentimes we
remember big dates where we celebrate things, and then we remember really painful
dates as well. And so September 19th was that date for me. I was actually in
Nashville. I live in Atlanta, but I was in Nashville filming for a TV network for
this beautiful Christian TV show that I get to do. And I got a call in my hotel
room from my now ex -husband, and he was like, I've got to confess some things. And
I'm like, no, no, no. And the reason why I kind of already had some just knowledge
and understanding of what he was going to confess is because this wasn't the first
act of infidelity in our marriage. It was just the first one that I was aware of
in a long time. The infidelity originally started in the second year of our
marriage. And we'd gone to counseling and there had been some forgiveness and trust
kind of rebuilt. And so this call was a shock, but also it was familiar.
And so my ex -husband confessed to being extorted by someone that he'd hired for
sexual favors. And there was a video out there. And it just was devastating and
surprising. And in the same breath, as soon as I got off the phone with them, I
called two of my closest friends that are in my confessional community, my group
therapy group, because they had been on this same Christian network filming the same
show the day before. And I say that part of the story because I just want to
testify to someone that what I went through was extremely painful. And God has a
plan for our pain. And the plan that day was to have two of my closest friends
who knew a bunch of my story, a lot of my pain, who was right there.
I mean, in person. We live in different states, so that's not a normal thing. But
we were in the same state, in the same city, in the same hotel room, on the same
floor. And they came for me. And I just, I got to say, I just don't know how
well I would be today if I didn't have my people saying, hey, this is really
painful and it's really heavy. And alone, it could crush you. But with us, it
won't. And so, yeah, that's a little bit of context on the story. I really want to
get into the community piece because that's the thrust of the book is how that
carried you. Before we get there, I know one thing I often tell people when they
receive news, crushing news, especially in the form of a betrayal, is wait. Don't
make big decisions out of the big emotions.
Yep. How did you navigate that as you process this betrayal?
And I understand it was it almost though in some ways because it had happened
before and you'd work through repair. Yeah. To have it resurface in that way.
You know, it's almost even more. I mean, you can't, we can't compare what's right
but that it's all just devastating but yeah how did you navigate the emotional
aftermath that allowed you to get to a place of clarity because so often with the
betrayal you have to make big decisions in the middle of big emotions right when
you're parenting you're trying to figure out a relationship yeah tell us a a bit
about how you process that in the immediate aftermath. Yeah, I love what you said
about the waiting and about the pace because I do agree. I think in that moment,
it could have been so easy for me to respond to my ex -husband and say, well,
it's over, bye, don't talk to me ever again. It's over. I'm shutting this thing
down. I think I've just learned over the years that I just, I'm not the smartest.
I don't have all the answers. I don't always make the best decisions. And so I
need people to help me wait. And so for me, what that looked like is I just
rallied all the troops. And I said, listen, I need y 'all to walk with me through
this because I want to run. This is painful. I want to run away from this. I want
to scoop up my kids and take them to safety. I kind of sort of want to move to
a different country. Okay. Like, I want to leave the situation, and at the same
time, I've been intentionally using more ands, less butts, okay, because we can hold
all of this together, right? Like, and I want to do this well. Children are
involved. I can't move as quickly as I probably want to. I can't run away from the
reality that I have a public platform. And at the time, we were both pastors,
church planters, planting a church, like, I can't run away from that community, I
have to be wise. And sometimes wise means low. And so for me, my confessional
community, they're so sweet. They kept calling. We did some emergency zooms. I added
a couple of people to what I now called my freedom board. It was like an advisory
board of women who either had walked through this before or had wisdom and
understanding of being a leader and being in public and going through betrayal and
divorce. And I just didn't make any moves without them. Every single question,
feeling, everything that I wanted to process, I called someone. I did not dare do
it alone. And I think, if I'm honest, that's the reason why we're still standing
with such goodness and grace and freedom in our story. That's why it didn't
completely set everything ablaze and our whole lives were crazy. I think it's because
I did it with people and I moved so cautiously cautiously with them.
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Oh, that's so interesting. What I hear you saying is what allowed you to wait.
And again, not that any of those immediate reactions aren't warranted in these cases,
right? You know, I really want the listener to say, you know, sometimes that is the
immediate reaction. But in these big life relationships, there has to be some sort
of process. And what I hear you saying is it was your community that became the
holding place for the big emotions. Right. I want to right right now reach out and
just shred him or, you know, move to a different country. So I'm going to go to a
safe person with those feelings. And those people become the holding,
the regulating with you. Can I say this too? I loved that you highlighted the safe
person aspect because I think in our day and age, people are using the phrasing,
you know, this is a safe space and we built a safe environment for you. And the
truth is that is beautiful. But we don't build safe spaces.
We connect with safe people. Like, that's what, it's the people that gets you
through. I think it's easy for us to say, well, I just need to lay in my bed all
day because it's the safest place to be. And maybe for some of us, that's a
reality. But the truth is, I just think safety is built in the context of
relationship. And that's what I had. I didn't want to run to a safe space and be
isolated because I think sometimes when we're isolated, that safe space doesn't, it
isn't safe anymore. because it's just you and your thoughts and your emotion.
held you when you were. Yeah. I call it living on the offense, not the defense.
I'm a, you know, I'm from Texas. I'm a wild girl. I kind of just run. I don't
really walk. Slow is not my vibe, okay? But over these last couple of years, as
I've been healing and healing in public, which is even heavier, I've just learned
that It's just better to be prepared. I honestly feel like I sound like my dad. If
my dad listens this, he's going to be like, I've been telling that girl that for
years. But I just, I've been trying to live on the offense and not the defense.
And this confessional community came about because of one singular human being that
said, I don't want to live a life isolated. I also don't want to live a high
level life. I want to live a deep life, an intentional life. That's our, my friend
Jessica Honiger, who you know, and I'll never forget. She called me in the airport,
and she's like, hey, I want to do this thing. It's a group. We're going to meet
every single month, and we're going to go real deep. We're going to talk about our
trauma. We're going to hold each other accountable, and we're going to confess. And
I was like, don't want to do that. I'm not really sure what you're talking about
here. And I prayed about it and thought through it. And I was like, no, I want
that too. I actually think it's the antidote to a lot of things, not just betrayal
and divorce, but also accountability. I think it helps prevent addiction. I think it
helps to address addiction. I think it helps to curate language around your feelings.
I also think it gives us so much confidence and security in ourselves because we've
got a group of people here who is committed to a life of sharing, a life of
confessing with you. It's not one -sided. Everyone's in it. And every year we meet
in person for a retreat and we go super deep and we're there for like three days,
but it feels like three months because we are crying our hearts out and tending to
each other and contending in the spirit for each other. But then every single month
for three hours, we meet via Zoom. You've joined us on one of those calls and made
me not crying from all my friends as we did some part work. And it's that,
you know, I just, it's what I believe at least Jesus had with the disciples, these,
these, these, these, this.
when crisis hits, we have people, but we haven't tested that piece. Because sometimes
people can't, and it's legitimate. Sometimes, you know what I, right? And I love
that you said that, the capacity to hold the weight of pain. And that had been
tested before. Tony, for the listener who's listening to you saying,
that sounds amazing. I don't have that. Yeah.
How can somebody go about cultivating that with the, because I hear you saying there
was a lot of, there's structure to it because to hold, to have the capacity, we've
got to have structure. There's got to be some norms. There's got to be, because
it's hard. I know. Oh, my goodness. So how does somebody go, there's two questions
in that one is how does somebody go about beginning to develop that kind of safety
net yeah and what might they anticipate what scaffolding is needed so that that
safety net will hold because we are human and it gets hard yeah so i think there's
a couple of things i think the first thing is that we have to be brave enough to
admit that we need that type of community yeah and i think for some of us It's
going to require bravery because for some of us, we've been the strong friend for a
long time. We've been the one that everyone comes to. I get tender about this
because I've been the strong friend for a long time. And it took a lot of humility
and bravery on my part to say, I just, I'm not the strongest all the time. I need
breaks. I need help. I need people that'll say, I got that for you.
I see you're struggling. And I've especially needed that over the last two years.
And so I think for some of us, we've got to take that cape off and we've got to
start leaning in. I think the second thing that's super, super important is that we
have to transition friends that are currently there that don't have the capacity to
hold the weight. I can remember around 24, I really started to get serious about my
faith. I got saved at 21, but I was just a fan of God, not a follower. And at
24, 25, I was like, no, I really want to get serious about this. And I remember
the Lord prompting me to start really taking a deep dive, look at my community, my
current community, because they were, you know, people from college, from my past,
party girls, while doing living life together, partying. And that wasn't the life I
wanted to live anymore. And so unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to have deep
connection with people that still live that lifestyle because then I would end up
doing it myself. And so I remember doing something very brave and vulnerable and it
was asking the Lord to help me transition friends and help me to find new friends,
which is childish when you think about it. Like it's embarrassing a little bit like,
Daddy God, can you help me find friends, you know? But I kind of think that's
required of us. And I think the third thing is that it's anticipating that as an
adult, this is going to be really hard. When I was writing the book,
Don't Try This Alone, I was doing research on why it's so difficult for us as
adults to develop friendship and why it's so easy for kids to do it. And two
things came up consistently in all of these research studies and it was number one.
Kids don't have so much baggage in their stories. They don't handle or process shame
in the same way as we do as adults. So when my daughter goes to the park and 52
seconds later, she comes up to me and she's like, I got a best friend now. Her
name is such and such and her and I plan a playday together and I gave her your
number. Like, I'm like, what is happening right now? Like for her, for Dylan,
my daughter, she doesn't have so much shame. So she goes right up to a person.
She's like, you're going to be my friend and it's over. The second thing is our
parents and guardians were curators of community for us. So our parents brought us
to the park around kids and jumpy places around kids. They put us in school. So
literally the community was curated for us. Even all the way up to college when we
think about it, we're literally in a saturated small campus with other people that
are like -minded, there for the same reason. And so we have to find those places
now as adults. We have to go to church sometimes.
are in your area. Like you can just actually get on an email list with different
events that have different people interest in the same thing you're interested in.
And I would say the last thing is this, we've got to lay our personality types
aside. The biggest thing that I've heard as I've released this book is, well, I'm
an introvert, so this is hard for me. Well, I'm an eight, so I don't really like
people. Well, I'm this, I'm a that. I'm so sorry to break it to a couple of you
out there, but your God -given design was to be connected with other people. And
your personality type, I think, comes after that. Okay? So you're going to have to
lay that down and really start viewing yourself as a person that needs deep
connection, a person that needs deep community, no matter what day, month you were
born, no matter what wiring you have, no matter what emotional color you are, you
have to start thinking of yourself as a person that needs deep community like you
need water yeah yeah i love that and on that last point it can look differently
for different people and i but i love that you're saying that self awareness all
that means is that that that might dictate a different approach to finding the
people or i would prefer a group of three over a group of 12 you know you know
but but but but but but it the baseline need is universal so i heard three things
and i want to tony because it's so good and i really want the listener to hear
this so first well the first thing i heard you say is this is a universal need it
doesn't matter we have to have this it doesn't come naturally yeah and and so i
love this humility i need this yeah it's part of my god -given design the second
thing i heard you say essentially was discernment it's not just anybody i can have
a great friend that i love to go out with on friday nights that doesn't necessarily
become my safe people yep and i heard you say you went through a pair you had to
get really discerning yes and and i just i want to give a practical tip here
because i have gotten so many messages about this from people like, okay, but how?
Like, do I just like peace out like you're dead to me? I'm like, no, clarity is
kindness. The conversation that I had just give you, I'm going to give you guys a
script right now. Yeah. The conversation I had with one of my friends was, hey, I'm
getting ready to go on a healing journey. I'm really pressing into my faith and
relationship with the Lord. And so my friendships are going to look different. It
doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I'm upset with you in any way. I
just want you to know that you may feel a little bit more distance and space
between me because I'm getting stronger in the things that I do. I'm battling some
things with addiction. Like, I just need some space and time to really get more
healthy. And I can't do that in close proximity right now. Wow. So that's like...
How did that go with most people? Okay. So one friend was like, hey, I totally
understand. I'm here if you need me. And I'm like, keeping that as a mental note.
You're a person that I'm transitioning right now, but I could actually maybe
transition back in later. You're pretty safe. That's actually a sign of safety.
You're mature. There was another friend who is like, what are you even talking
about? If you don't want to be my friend, just tell me. And it was in that moment
that I, you know, had continued the conversation and said, hey, truly, it's not
about that at all. I am just personally not strong enough to be in deep friendship
with you right now because I really would like to stop cursing. I want to stop
drinking so much. I just had to provide more and more detail and more and more
clarity. And that's okay. It's okay to give people that, honestly, that respect of
saying, I'm not going anywhere. I just, I had to change some things about my life.
And, you know, unfortunately, our friendship never attached into a really deep,
intimate friendship. And she has great, lovely, beautiful friendships and so do I and
we're both still standing and we're fine but sometimes it's hard and that's okay
it's yeah it well and that leads to the third point which I hear you saying is
courage the brave it it takes to deal with the shame that might come up the guilt
that comes up I always talk about the guilt that follows a healthy
like there's that courage that that piece that kids have kind of more net but that
piece to be like this is what I need and and I've got to lean into it and people
some people may not like it
but it's how I'm figuring out this path yeah I also will say that a big question
I get all the time and this is for the listener is, well, how can I trust again
when I've been so betrayed? Yes. Because of my story and because of the public
betrayal and divorce, I get this question a whole bunch, like, but how can I trust
again? Yeah. Like, I've been so deeply hurt. Like, people, when people look over the
context of their story, they're like, when I'm in the most pain, it's, if it's not
a physical thing or a disease or anything in my body, it's because of people. And
so the question is, how how do I get back up again? And I think I get a little
bit feisty with this question because I know for me the first year after divorce
was, it was difficult. But I didn't have a choice. I had two kids.
I had to move out of my house. I needed help moving a crib that was twice my
size. I needed help furnishing my new house. I didn't have any income coming in
because I got off stage to heal. Like, I had no choice. I had to accept help.
And I just think that it was the kindness of God to remind me that not it doesn't
matter what happened in the past, but it can't matter so much that we jeopardize
the future of our relationships. The people that hurt us, betray us,
broke our trust, caused the need for us to go to counseling. They don't get to
have our future. It's just not something I'm willing to compromise on.
And I don't think it's something that you have to compromise on. And when I think
about the way of Jesus, I think about this idea that he had 12 disciples and all
along, even when choosing them, he knew two would betray him. He knew Judas was
going to rat him out. He knew it. He's omniscient. He's omnipresent. He's all
powerful. He knew this was coming. He also knew that Peter, one of his closest
disciples, would deny that he even knew him. And yet, the betrayal of the two
wasn't more powerful than the beauty of the ten. We have to walk like that just
because my ex -husband betrayed me doesn't mean that God hasn't created and put other
people in my life who I need, who won't betray me, who I can trust, who are safe.
And if I allow one human being and my experience with that one human being to tell
me or influence me not to open up again, I would have lost so much connection,
so much love, so much help when I really needed it. So I just want to encourage
you, and I want to be honest with you that this journey of community,
of curating it, the ebbs and flows of moving to different cities and being hurt and
being rejected, it's hard. I want to name it.
I don't want to be one of those people that's like, It's so beautiful.
it's not yep and I want the listener to hear that that the odds you can you can
bump into and we can do our work to figure out our patterns and figure out if
there's anything on our side of the street that we can yeah need to do about how
we're choosing sometimes it's not our fault at all sometimes we are not oh yes
right I can affirm that you can do all of that and when with all of that There
will be safe people out there. There will be. 100%.
And I don't say 100 % about anything. Yeah. But I've witnessed it. Yes.
Not only in my own story. Yeah. But in the countless amount of stories that I get
to hold from listeners, watchers, viewers, people in real life when I get off stage
like, no, Tony, I had this happened to me and this really hurt. I lost all these
friends. And now I'm in a beautiful community. And now I'm thriving. And now I know
what it looks like to have a real good friend. So I've just witnessed it. Like I
just, I'm a believer all the way. 100%. I
love it. I want to, Tony, just in this kind of final segment, how once you found
people, you have this confessional community, you find people, you find these people
who are people you can trust, there are still within safe friendships,
this process of what we call rupture and repair, in healthy marriages with our kids,
right? So one of the things I think that happens to people when there's been a lot
of broken trust, a lot of betrayal, is then when you encounter a bomb,
lie that these people are going to hurt me. They're going to betray me. I know
what pain feels like. I don't. I mean, it just for the first time my whole life,
I battled with forgiveness. I battled with anger. I am a telotubby on the inside.
So I felt anger and rage for the first time in a very long time. And so it was
hard. And in that, I leaked that pain, that anger from my divorce leaked into my
friendship. And I want to talk about a specific moment. I won't get in too much
detail. But in our confessional community, we had a rupture. And I was right at the
center of it. Something was said that triggered me, not intentionally at all. These
are beautiful, safe people. This is why I just want to affirm, like, even in the
healthiest, most safe environments, these things happened. I got triggered. I was also
battling a little bit with alcohol. I just want to be open and transparent about
that. And I'm now sober. I'm a part of the sober community. I'm not even playing
around with it. I wasn't like drunk, crazy, addicted. But it was something I started
using to numb. And I just, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that
person. And so I quit completely. But at the time, I hadn't quit. Motions were
high. I wasn't sleeping at all. I was on sleeping medicine, anxiety medicine. There
was just not good. And something was said in our confessional community that deeply
triggered me. And I left. I walked out of the room and I left everyone.
And it makes me emotional because one of the phrases that we have in our
confessional community is that we're never leaving the room. And I just was in so
much pain that I left. And about three months later, I felt so convicted about it
and not in a shame -filled way, but I was the one that needed to repair the
rupture. And I needed to lean in and I needed to explain what happened and why I
felt this way and what responsibility I needed to take because repair requires
responsibility. And so I got everybody on a Zoom call and I just apologized.
I didn't use my pain as an excuse. I took it on as a responsibility to
And that's repair. It's saying,
I'm sorry. I value this environment. I value you guys so much.
I value this friendship. I value what we've built. And I won't let my pain take us
apart. I won't let the pain cause a rupture that doesn't get repaired. Because the
truth is, Alison, and you know this and you've said this like it's not a rupture
that ruins a relationship it's the lack of repair that does and i'm here to testify
because i've witnessed it and i've been responsible for the rupture um that repair
is possible and it requires humility and it requires discernment and it requires
courage that's so good tony i i just want to honor your willingness to share that
story. One of my, my favorite things is when the thing that brings me closest to
tears is when someone raises their hand and said, oh, I was the one. That takes a
lot of, because I can imagine there were,
there were reasons. You were triggered. People hurt us, even when they don't mean to
hurt us. words are so feeble. I feel this way all the time when trying to be with
someone through pain. I'm so aware. I'm like, oh, words are a landmine. But we have
to use them. Yep. Right? There's no way out. And we misstep.
And boy, I just, and we do get hurt. And I just, I hear in you just such to
yeah um that's a that's a big deal to be able to because three months is an
insignificant amount of time yeah it suggests the level of the hurt to be able to
really dig deep and go yeah what happened i have to look at my side of this it
doesn't mean yeah again we're not going to talk this through and someone else might
not say hey i need you to know this is what I meant, you know, that's the repair,
but I have to show back up at the table. And I just, I appreciate your sharing
that. That's, that's going to really speak to someone listening, right, whether it's,
we're the one that has to say, it's me, I, or whether we're the one that has to
be the one that says, it's okay. But sometimes I think that part is a little bit
easier. Yeah. It's It's almost in the repair. I see it in marriage.
Yeah. Oh, it's so hard. It is so hard. It's so easy to justify. I could,
and I, you know, I know in marriage I'll say you can be right or you can stay
married. You can stay married. Surprise, guys. Right. You know what's interesting is
that when I look at the formation of repair in our lives when we were just
children, We weren't trained on that. No. You know, I think... It's not a skill we
were taught. Yeah. I mean, I think about like, well, my parents said when my
brother hurt my feelings or whatever, they were just like, say sorry to your sister.
My brother, sorry. And that was it. Now we're playing again. Now we're on the
Nintendo, you know? And we weren't taught to say, hey, I just noticed that there's
some distance between us. You know, when you're ready, do you mind talking to me
about it? Is there something that I said or did that you can help bring awareness
to so that I can fix it? Help me understand that more. The story that I'm telling
myself is that you said that because of this, this, this, and that. Those are
tools. Those are functions. Those are, that's a part of a framework that a lot of
us were not exposed to. So when we cause pain to someone and they're upset with
us. Everything else takes the front seat. Our insecurities, our shame, our denial of
it, like our running. We run away from repair. Our attachment loans. Right.
I mean, everything. And what are we going to do when all of those things come up?
Okay, we're going to have a strategy. We're going to have language in place. We're
going to be practicing conflict when conflict is not happening. We're going to be
living on the offense, not the defense.
there but I don't know how and sometimes it's bumpy reentry is bumpy and we're
afraid of that and so the path of least resistance to get back to what we were
saying is just to stay isolated versus the bumpy road of I don't know how to do
this and maybe that's just a way to start when you need to repair I don't know
how but I need you to know that what I'm trying to do is reach out you know and
I also love that you said bumpy. I just got this visual.
I always tell my friends, like, we're all on a bus together, guys. And we're going
to have some bumps in the road. But instead of just ignoring those bumps, we're
going to just make a little U -turn. We're going to go smooth out that pavement.
And then we're all going to get back on the bus and have us a party. And I just
think, like, that's the reality of what's happening. This is not all of us on a
beautiful sailboat, on a beautiful day, smooth sailing all the way. No, it is a
bumpy, sometimes hot, smelly bus that we are all on. I think about like a field
trip. We're all on the way to have so much fun together, so much life together,
but we may hit a pothole, we may run out of gas, we may have to pull up on the
side of the road. Somebody's not going to get their favorite seat. But we're on it,
And we're not getting off. We're going to be on it together. And it's beautiful.
And here's what I will say too, because I hear someone saying, don't want to get
on that bus. Don't want to get on the bumpy road. I'm not down. I'm going to get
car sickness. Like, we're going someplace beautiful. Yeah. Like,
we're going to the places where fun can actually be had, where freedom can actually
be experienced, where deep connection happens. We're going somewhere fun.
Yes. Get on the bus. Yeah. Where the joys are all the much more joyful and
celebratory for the having gone through the bumps, right? You don't get one without
the other, right? Yeah. So sorry. That's another hard reality that we have to face
that in order to experience the greatest amount of joy, we have to be open to
experience the greatest amount of pain. It's, I don't like it.
I don't want to do that. Even just saying it, I'm like, I don't even know why I
said that out loud just now, but goodness. And it's so worth it. It's worth it.
It's worth it. It really is. Yeah. Tell us about, so this is your beautiful new
book. Don't try this alone. Tell it, tell my listeners where they can find it, why
you wrote it, and what's in it for them as they're resonating with everything we're
saying. Well, you can get the book anywhere. All the books are sold, Amazon, Barnes
& Noble, Christian books, all the things. Audible's so fun. I got to record the
book this time. It's fun. It's like action -packed. I get to laugh a little bit.
Like, it's just a cool little thing. And it's actually really interesting, Allison,
that the audio book has sold more than the physical copy. And I don't even unheard
of. I love it. But it's just a super fun way to digest the book. And as far as
what you're going to get out of it, I mean, it is truly everything we've talked
about. It is how to transition friends that you need to put in a different, more
safe space, how to identify real good, godly friends. What are the traits and
characteristics we should be looking for? How to be honest about what you need as a
friend because that's a huge and big deal. Like if you can't name the things you
need, how someone should treat you, talk to you, then you're going to inevitably end
up with friends that hurt you that talk to you in ways that you don't appreciate.
So you have to know you in order for them to know you. Right? And shout out to
the best of you. Okay. I understand.
And one of the things I really love is the ending of the book because I kind of
turn it on you. We want good godly friends and we're not good godly friends
ourselves. And so we're going to talk about what that looks like right at the end
of the book for you to be a friend worth having friends. So that's the part I
really love because I do believe that we deeply desire the things that we're not
willing to work for. And so we're going to have to do our work to get real good
godly community and that's going to start with us. But I love it. I hope you get
it. Don't try this alone. It's great. You're so real, Tony. I always love our
conversations. It's, no, you just have this authenticity. You're so real and it
really tracks. And I just appreciate, even letting us into the bumpiness of your own
experience, it's, it's what this is about,
right? It's what this is about. There's, we have to keep our real souls. It's
ongoing work and I just so appreciate you and I'm so grateful that you shared your
wisdom with us today. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm so grateful. Thank you
for joining me for this episode of The Best of You. Be sure to check out the show
notes for any resources and links mentioned in the show. You can find those on my
website at Dr. Allison Cook .com. That's Allison with one l .cook .com.
Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that you don't miss an
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get the word out. I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday. And
remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God, you heal others,
and you stay true to your God -given self.