Why You Still Feel Insecure—and How to Build a Secure Soul

What if being secure doesn’t mean you never second-guess yourself?

If you replay conversations, second-guess yourself, worry about how you came across, or compare yourself to other people, you may assume security is something other people naturally have—and you somehow missed. But real security isn’t the absence of insecurity. It’s knowing where to return when insecurity shows up.

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Alison shares her own lifelong struggle with insecurity, self-doubt, and the fear of not being enough—and why writing The Secure Soul changed the way she understands security altogether.

You’ll learn:

*Why insecurity can linger even as you become stronger and healthier

*The hidden reason self-doubt can feel so convincing

*How old experiences can shape the stories you still tell about yourself

*How to become a safe person for your own soul

*A simple practice for recognizing God’s presence in the places where you still feel afraid, ashamed, or unsure

A secure soul isn’t one that never feels insecure. It’s one that has somewhere to return to when the insecurity comes.

More Resources:

‍

With every purchase of Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul, you’ll get exclusive access to her Soul Tending Video Library, including  “Boundaries for the Deeply Feeling Woman” and her masterclass “Healing the Wounds That Still Shape You” and over $350 worth of bonuses.

‍

Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram

📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here

Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts!

• Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order!
• AirDoctor - Did you know the quality of oxygen you breathe affects your brain which in turn your thoughts? Eliminate 99.9% contaminants in your home with AirDoctor by visiting AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code BESTOFYOU to get UP TO $300 off today!

*Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.

While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍

‍

TRANSCRIPT

‍

For as long as I can remember, I've second-guessed myself. I have memories all the way back to

‍

fourth, fifth, sixth grade, all the way through high school of replaying conversations,

‍

feeling mortified that I said the wrong thing or doubting my capacities when something didn't turn

‍

out the way that I'd wanted or comparing myself to other girls and even into adulthood to other.

‍

I had to sit with younger versions of myself to the young girl in middle school who wanted so badly

‍

to be chosen and who learned in a sequence of painful moments, a story about herself that she

‍

carried for years. Why bother? Dreaming only leads to heartache. I'm not.

‍

good enough. A secure soul isn't one that never feels insecure. It's one that has somewhere to

‍

return to when the insecurity comes. That's the whole thing.

‍

Security isn't the absence of the ache. It's having a place to bring the ache.

‍

You can't always find a safe person outside of you, but you can learn to become a safe person for

‍

yourself.

‍

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's Deep Dive episode of The Best of You. I am so

‍

thrilled to be with you. This week, it's launch week. It's the week that the secure soul is out

‍

into so many of your hands. And it's such an insane mixture of emotions to bring a book into the

‍

world. But especially for me with this one, because it's more personal than books I've written in

‍

the past. that continues to surface for me these past few weeks as I've prepared for this book to

‍

come out is my own journey through insecurity. I have struggled with insecurities for most of my

‍

life. For as long as I can remember, I've second-guessed myself. I've doubted myself.

‍

I have memories all the way back to fourth, fifth, sixth grade, all the way through high school of

‍

replaying conversations, feeling mortified that I said the wrong thing or doubting my capacities

‍

when something didn't turn out the way that I'd wanted or comparing myself to other girls and even

‍

into adulthood to other women. Before anyone else could criticize me, that own inner voice of self

‍

-doubt inside of me has always been loud. It's kind of strange and kind of surreal to write a book

‍

with a title like The Secure Soul. But on one hand,

‍

while it feels a little bit strange, on another hand, nothing could feel more like it's of God.

‍

Because there's no one who has struggled with this in many ways as much as I have.

‍

And if I can find my way to what it feels like to have a secure soul, then I know.

‍

You can. And as we built up to this book launch week, I've noticed some of those old insecurities

‍

flare up. Did I say anything wrong? Did I say too much?

‍

Did I say too little? Will anything I say land the wrong way with certain groups of people?

‍

Is it good enough? Right? And I've noticed the whispers of those voices,

‍

but the truth is also this. I've experienced more joy, more freedom,

‍

more inner peace with the release of this book than I have in a really long time.

‍

It's felt really different from times I've launched other books. And what has changed isn't the

‍

absence of some of that second guessing voice that I suspect will always be a part of me.

‍

It's the practice that I laid out as I wrote this book over the last almost two years.

‍

I've learned to recognize I'm feeling fearful. I'm scared.

‍

I'm nervous. And return. I am loved even here.

‍

And this is where I want to start today. Not as an expert, but as someone who has traveled a long

‍

road through inner strength and security. And I'm still on it with you. Because something happened

‍

these past two years as I was writing this book and reconnecting to these places within my own soul

‍

where I have doubted myself, where I've struggled with insecurity, struggled with trust,

‍

struggled to feel connected. The writing itself began to heal something.

‍

To write this book, I had to go back. I had to sit with younger versions of myself to the young

‍

girl in middle school who wanted so badly to be chosen and who learned in a sequence of painful

‍

moments a story about herself that she carried for years. Why? Bother. Dreaming only leads to

‍

heartache. I'm not good enough. I had to sit with another young version of me a few years later who

‍

would swear in her journal, crying out to God, why did you make me like this and struggling to feel

‍

God's presence in return? I had to sit with the young woman in her 20s trying to stay safe by

‍

staying in her mind and staying in her books and trying to earn worth that if she accomplished

‍

enough, if she did enough, surely. she'd finally feel like enough. And I also had to sit with the

‍

woman I am today, the one who on any ordinary day still catches herself getting nervous or anxious

‍

about how she will be received by other. And as I've traveled back to revisit these places inside

‍

my own soul, I've created new attachment tethers within, revisiting these places with the

‍

compassion and loving presence, my own and God's, that these places inside my own soul have always

‍

needed. Now, for most of my life, I've held a definition of security that almost instantly

‍

disqualifies me. I thought security was the... of insecurity.

‍

I thought secure people were those people who just effortlessly enter a room who things seem to

‍

just glide off them with ease. They never second guess themselves. They have that sort of internal

‍

confidence. They never doubt themselves. They just know who they are and they know how to own the

‍

space that they're in. And that was never going to be me. It's not the way God made me.

‍

But the truth is I had it all wrong. And that's the very thing I want you to take from this episode

‍

today. If you're carrying a similar sort of sense of insecurity the way I did,

‍

if you doubt yourself, if you overthink, if you stay up late at night wondering if something you

‍

said landed wrong, if you second guess yourself, if you overthink, all of this does not disqualify

‍

you from a secure soul. We believe security is a personality.

‍

We missed out on a club we didn't get into. And so we assume that ache we feel is something we just

‍

will never fully belong to.

‍

A lot of us pay attention to what we eat and put on our bodies, but we don't always think about

‍

what we're breathing all day long. Between dust, pet dander, allergens, and wildfire smoke, clean

‍

indoor air really matters. That's why Air Doctor is the air purifier I use in my home.

‍

Its powerful three-stage filtration captures extremely small particles about 100 times smaller

‍

than what typical air purifiers can remove, including dust, pollen, mold spores, pet dander,

‍

wildfire smoke, bacteria, viruses, odors. smoke, ozone, and VOCs. It's whisper quiet, and I love

‍

that auto mode continually adjusts to the air quality. It even reminds you when it's time to change

‍

the filter, so there's no guesswork. Air Doctor also won Newsweek's Reader's Choice Award for Best

‍

Air Purifier. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code BESTOVU and get up to $300 off any of

‍

their select Air Doctor models. Plus, you will get a three-year warranty. absolutely free. All Air

‍

Doctor air purifiers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Get this exclusive podcast-only

‍

offer now at airdoctorpro.com, A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O.com using promo code BESTOFYOU.

‍

But it's just not true. And here's what I've discovered. A secure soul isn't one that never feels

‍

insecure. It's one that has somewhere to return to when the insecurity comes.

‍

That's the whole thing. Security isn't the absence of the ache. It's having a place to bring the

‍

ache. It's learning over and over to turn toward the frightened, striving, second-guessing,

‍

overthinking parts of yourself in the same way a loving parent turns toward. a frightened child,

‍

not with shame, what's wrong with you or a lecture or trying to fix yourself,

‍

but with loving, compassionate presence. It's knowing that you can learn to stay with yourself no

‍

matter what you're feeling, no matter what you're experiencing, no matter what's happening in the

‍

circumstances around you. You can't always find a safe...

‍

person outside of you but you can learn to become a safe person for yourself a secure soul isn't

‍

unshakable the ache still comes the old insecurity still knocks the difference now is that the ache

‍

has somewhere to go and here's the wonder of your god-made design you were made for this the same

‍

presence and warmth you'd offer to someone you love you can offer that inward to the parts of your

‍

soul that have gotten lost or exiled or fearful you can become a kind of internal attachment figure

‍

for your own soul And hear me say this, you do not do this work alone.

‍

Just as you join with God in caring for others, you join with God when you care for the parts of

‍

your own soul. You can become a compassionate witness to your own experience,

‍

the one who recognizes disconnection and makes the choice to return always to love.

‍

This is the sacred ongoing work of inner attachment, what I call becoming a secure soul.

‍

I didn't write this book because somehow I had arrived. I wrote it because I found the way back.

‍

And I keep taking that way back to love every single. If you're someone who's doubted yourself,

‍

second-guessed yourself, struggled with insecurity, you are not disqualified. I want you to know

‍

you're in good company. You are exactly who this is for. And for all that insecurity,

‍

you will experience the loving presence as you learn the way back all the more for the ache you had

‍

in the first place. The way back was never a personality trait you were missing. It's a practice

‍

you can learn. And it starts with getting to know this beautiful soul God has made inside of you.

‍

Today, I want to read you one of my favorite excerpts from the book. This is a picture of what this

‍

soul looks like. I like to think of it as your inner soul mountain.

‍

I want you to imagine your soul as a mountain. It's not a desolate place,

‍

but a wild and beautiful realm full of distinct terrain. There are sunlit meadows and shadowed

‍

caves, rocky cliffs and quiet coves. It's not flat or simple. It's layered,

‍

alive, in motion. These contours of your soul reflect your entire life.

‍

The different seasons and eras and places where you felt alone or where love came in.

‍

Places where you learned to protect or learn to hide. And places where you also learned to hope.

‍

And within each of these terrains lives a different version of you, a different part of you, each

‍

one shaped by the context in which you were formed in that season, the landscape it inhabits.

‍

Some parts of you are hunkered down, lost in the thick forest, unsure how to find their way out.

‍

Some are tucked into shadowy caves, places within where you've learned to hide out of fear or

‍

shame. Some live close to the rocky cliffs, alert. vigilant, always standing guard.

‍

These parts of your soul are not mistakes. They're not problems to solve. They're places within

‍

where you're still struggling, yes, but not because your soul is broken. These parts of you are

‍

struggling because they're still stuck in old ways, old places from the past, places where they've

‍

been neglected, hurt, or misunderstood by others and also at times by you.

‍

what if instead of calling these parts of yourself selfish or wayward or lost you named them for

‍

what they are treasures in exile because here's the thing each lonely weary or aching part of your

‍

soul each treasure waiting to be found is reaching out longing to be met with compassion.

‍

These parts of the soul may not speak in words, but they do send signals, tiny cues that something

‍

hurts, something feels off, or something matters. A sudden irritation, a wave of dread,

‍

an urge to withdraw, a craving for approval. These aren't random disruptions,

‍

they're inner bids for connection. And when you learn to turn toward these bids coming within your

‍

soul with compassion, a path of safety, of love, of security is built or strengthened within your

‍

soul.

‍

Here's some insight into my own inner soul mountain. In the middle of the forest sits the

‍

controller. She's intense, efficient, quick to action, and slow to rest.

‍

She clears trails, scans for danger, and tries to keep the whole mountain running on sheer

‍

willpower. When she's anxious, she gets sharp. But underneath, she's scared.

‍

Scared that if she lets go, everything will fall apart. What looks like strength is really a heavy

‍

weight she's learned to carry. I'm the only one you can trust. Down in a dark,

‍

cool cave lives the shadow. When connection feels out of reach, she pulls the fog around me,

‍

scrolling, snacking, one more episode, anything to dull the sting. But beneath the numbing is

‍

something deeper. Often it's anger, shame, the raw pain of feeling unseen.

‍

She disappears, not because she wants to be alone, but because she's afraid she's the problem.

‍

Her withdrawal is a form of protection. I'm safest when I'm alone. And then there's the young one,

‍

playful, tender, unguarded. She dances barefoot on the sunlit ridge where wildflowers bloom and

‍

wonder still feels possible. She only emerges when it feels safe,

‍

when connection is close and the air is filled with love. This is the inner landscape of my own

‍

soul, and my guess is that yours is... different. None of these parts are broken.

‍

They're treasures in exile, pieces of your soul longing to be reclaimed and reconnected.

‍

And your work is to listen for their bids, to learn the language of your own inner world,

‍

to recognize a part of me is hurting. A part of me is grasping for control.

‍

A part of me is hiding and to return always to connection. I'm here.

‍

I see you. You belong with me. This is the beginning of inner security,

‍

of inner strength, of inner connection with the one person you may have overlooked entirely,

‍

yourself. And while you are essential to this process, do not think for one moment that you are

‍

doing this work alone. You are not a single parent to your own soul.

‍

None of us is. The truth is you don't set out on this journey of reclaiming lost parts of your soul

‍

alone. That's not how you were made. You were never meant to take this journey by yourself.

‍

Someone goes with you, clearing the path ahead, giving you the courage and at times even carrying

‍

you. This someone is God. Love. incarnate the one who is spirit and yet took on flesh who once

‍

walked among us in jesus and who still moves within us through the power of the spirit the one who

‍

as scripture says is love a god who is not only out there in the heavens but also alive within the

‍

inner recesses of your soul like a radiant flame in a mountain sanctuary From there,

‍

light spills into every forest path, every shadowed cave, every fractured place.

‍

Imagine this. A loving presence steps into your inner soul mountain to reclaim every single lost

‍

part of you. Jesus moves along the rugged pathways, searches through every cave,

‍

calls out across the rocky cliffs, and combs through dense forests.

‍

He is not rushed and is not afraid of what he finds. He is steady, intentional,

‍

and unshaken. He will go into the deepest, most broken places to bring healing warmth to what has

‍

been lost, left alone, or disconnected. And when he finds these unclaimed parts of you,

‍

he is patient, gentle, and kind, because at first they are like frightened creatures in the wild.

‍

They don't know what love is like. They don't know if they can trust him, but he stays,

‍

not forcing, not judging, just offering the steady warmth of secure presence.

‍

And as each part of your soul slowly starts to trust him, he gathers them in and brings them home.

‍

and home as it turns out is not a fortress but a feast at the centre of the mountain the sanctuary

‍

opens into a sunlit meadow a long table is spread with fruit and warm bread and sparkling drinks

‍

it's a feast of welcome a feast of togetherness, of belonging. Here each now-claimed treasure

‍

takes her seat of honor, welcomed by the source of love, the one who brings all things back into

‍

connection. The controller begins to sense what it feels like to be held by someone stronger than

‍

herself. She exhales, releases her grip, and turns her face toward the sun,

‍

the shadow. no longer hidden in the dark with shame, begins to shimmer with a shy sort of joy.

‍

She's learning what it feels like to receive love's compassion. And the young one,

‍

wide-eyed with wonder, steps into the light at the center of it all, dancing with delight before

‍

the one who loves her. There's no shame. At this banquet,

‍

no judgment, only delight in these quirky, sometimes ragged, always beautiful parts of your own

‍

soul, finally gathered in the presence of love, finally sensing what it means to belong to God and

‍

to one another. Each part of you is distinct, and each part of you is thrilled to be gathered with

‍

the others. It's a glimpse of the greater feast that awaits when every part of you and every soul

‍

gathered at last into love is welcomed into the heavenly mountain sanctuary.

‍

A quiet warmth dazzling and steady spreads through you. You feel vulnerable,

‍

yet safe. I don't want you to leave, you whisper, and he doesn't.

‍

Instead, he stays. right there at the center grace keeps flowing as your whole soul every hidden

‍

place bathes in the goodness of being fully welcomed fully seen fully loved and slowly gently you

‍

begin to change not by force not by effort but by love you are becoming someone new no longer

‍

fragmented or lost no longer filled with blame or shame but whole a person filled with love the

‍

most powerful kind of person there is recognize a part of me is disconnected return i am loved even

‍

here. This is The Secure Soul. This is the book. This is the work I believe every single one of us

‍

is called to do the work of returning every single part of our soul, every single place within to

‍

love. I want to just shift gears here and remind you this launch week of The Secure Soul,

‍

this is the last week that you can get all of the pre-order bonus items for free when you order

‍

your copy of The Secure Soul. It's such a help to authors when you Order the book during launch

‍

week as it comes out. It just signals all the powers that be that this is a book worth paying

‍

attention to. It sort of triggers algorithms and mechanisms that I don't fully understand to let

‍

them know this is a book worth paying attention to. If you're thinking about ordering the book,

‍

this is the week to do it. It's the single most helpful thing you can do to support an author.

‍

And when you order this week, you will still get full access to my soul-tending video library.

‍

It includes healing. the Wounds Within. It includes the live roundtable. It includes the five toxic

‍

traits and how to protect yourself webinar. And it includes the boundaries for the Deeply Feeling

‍

Woman workshop. So many resources there. I want you to have this work.

‍

It has meant so much to me to find this rhythm of recognize and return.

‍

It has meant the world to me to find ways to bring this work to you.

‍

You can find all of that information. over at thesecuresoulbook.com. And no matter what,

‍

remember always your soul is worth tending. I am so grateful to be on this journey with you.

‍

Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Best of You. It would mean so much if you

‍

take a moment to subscribe. You can go to Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to or

‍

watch podcasts and click the plus or follow button. That'll ensure you don't miss an episode and it

‍

helps get the word out to others. While you're there, I'd love it if you leave a five-star review.

‍

Join us each weekday for the best of you every day, a brief daily reflection to help you start your

‍

mornings with a steady dose of wisdom. Remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor

‍

God, you heal others, and you stay true to your God-given self.

‍