Why People Pleasing Actually Makes You Feel More Alone, and 3 Steps to Create Real Connection
Episode Notes
Why do we work so hard to earn the approval of others?
And what is it really costing us?
In this candid, practical episode, Dr. Alison tackles one of the most common struggles she hears from so many of you: people pleasing. You’ll hear powerful voice messages from listeners as she explores the many forms this pattern can take—from avoiding conflict, to saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” to slowly losing sight of who you really are.
Together, you’ll learn:
- 5 common roots of people pleasing
- How certain Bible verses get misused to reinforce self-erasure
- The high cost of people pleasing
- 3 simple steps to move toward wholeness
📥 Pick up your copy of The Best of You—Dr. Alison’s book on this topic here
📥 Download Alison’s free printable with the five boundary tools when you sign up for her weekly email.
Other episodes you might like :
Episode 46: People Pleasing as Survival, How Jesus Regulated Emotions & the Problem With Toxic Positivity and Spiritual Bypassing with Aundi Kolber
Episode 33: People Pleasing & Developing Your Own Inner Compass: Thoughts on Depression, Mental Health & the Church, and Finding Hope in Dark Places with Dr. Monique Gadson
Episode 14: The Fawn Response
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Editing by Giulia Hjort
Sound engineering by Kelly Kramarik
Music by Andy Luiten
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© 2025 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage or transcript without permission from the author.
Transcript:
Hi everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of the Best of You. I'm so glad you're here today with me. One of my favorite parts of this podcast is getting to hear directly from you. Your questions, your stories, and the honest reflections you share with me through your emails on social media, through your reviews, or whether I get the opportunity to meet you in person.
And in today's episode, you're gonna hear some of your voices woven throughout our conversation. We're talking about something so many of us wrestle with, and that's people pleasing, what it looks like, how it shapes our relationships, and how we begin to break free from it in a way that honors both ourselves and God.
Speaking of your voices, I'd love for you to be part of an upcoming episode where we're exploring comparison and competition within friendships, how it shows up, how we navigate it, and how we heal from it. If you've got a question, an observation, or an insight related to how you've dealt with comparison and competition within friendships, we would love to include your voice.
You can call us at (307) 429-2525 and leave us a voicemail and we might just use your voice in a future episode.
Now for today's topic one, I know so many of us wrestle with people pleasing. This was the top theme that surfaced through the voicemails that you've been leaving me these past few months. In today's episode, we're gonna name what people pleasing really is, the different ways it shows up and how we begin to break free, not by abandoning others, but by coming home to ourselves and to a God who doesn't ask us to disappear.
We're gonna start off today with your voices because people pleasing doesn't always look the same, and the journey out of it is deeply personal. These different voices show us just how varied and also vulnerable the journey can be.
Hi, Dr. Allison. My name is Elizabeth and I've been following your work for a few years. I'm a really big fan and I always look forward to Thursdays when a new podcast episode drops. As a recovering people pleaser, I have been working on showing up for myself and showing up to my life more fully. I'm trying to move away from postures of passivity, people pleasing, going along to get along, et cetera, and continuing to develop my bravery muscles.
This sometimes means disappointing people or having conflict, which isn't easy. As someone who is very attuned to others, I'm working on differentiating, taking care of myself and asking for what I need. I'm so grateful for your work and encouragement to be true to ourselves and to who we are in God.
Hi, my name is Susan. I'm calling from Ohio. I love your podcast. I listen to it and I go back and re-listen to a lot of episodes and I love how you combine psychology and faith and an area that I would really like to grow in personally and spiritually is not meeting other people to make me feel like I'm okay when I feel that sting of disapproval from others or maybe even rejection. They're angry with me. Suddenly I feel like my prop has just been pulled away from me, and then I feel bad about myself or I don't feel okay. And I know that God loves me, but I really struggle to be secure enough in God's love that other people aren't like a mirror for me to see myself, to see if they approve of me or like me in order that I can feel okay.
I wanna be more secure in God's love so I can forget about myself and just have that freedom and relationships to interact with other people. And to be focused on them and not always worried, am I okay? And if I am alone and I maybe don't have the support of others, am I still okay?
Hello, good morning. My name is Jeannie and I'm calling from the North Dallas, Texas area. I feel like I've been growing in many aspects of my life through various things such as meditation practices, centering prayer, shadow work, parts work. Understanding some of my core wounds and defenses, becoming alcohol free, making healthy choices, and incorporating changes from insightful podcasts and a growing relationship with Christ.
So where I continue to struggle is building and maintaining relationships. I just still happier living a life of solitude, though I know relationships are important. Doing the inner work has taken a lot, and when I go into relationships, I don't feel the value of them. They feel shallow and make me want to hide from all the work I've done.
I would like to grow on those deeper relationships of authenticity, and I don't feel like I can do that in some of my current close friendships.
Hi, Dr. Allison. This is Bree and I am calling from Philadelphia. I'm so grateful for your work. You have been an integral part of my faith journey, and honestly, God has used you tremendously in my life. So I just wanna say thank you. Where I would like to grow is mainly in my spiritual life. I used to be very linear when it came to growth where I would only focus on spiritual and I would neglect any type of physical strength or emotional or mental strength learning from you and others.
I have balanced that out some, but something that's been difficult is. Understanding how to incorporate my faith in this new understanding of my mental health and how that matters, and how it's important to not neglect things like rest and making sure that I am prioritizing myself when in the past I would neglect myself.
And so now that I'm choosing myself more. Sometimes things that have felt hopeful for me are not as helpful, such as certain spiritual practices like sitting down, reading my Bible, going to church, listening to Christian music. I almost have started to have like a stress response to those things because for so long I just allowed myself.
To only let those things be helpful. And now I'm finding that other things are helpful, like grounding exercises and listening to my needs and saying no. And so it's kind of been a little disorienting in this season of my spiritual life because. I don't know how to relate to God now, and I know you talked about this quite a bit.However, I feel this disconnect with trying to relate to God in this new season and this new understanding of me choosing me.
Did you notice the different faces of people pleasing? Jeannie, you've done some deep inner work, but you're now struggling to connect in relationships that feel shallow, and that makes sense. Elizabeth, you're learning how to show up bravely even when it means you have to disappoint others. Susan, you're longing to feel secure in God's love instead of relying on others' approval to feel. Okay. Brie, you're learning to say no more often to choose yourself, and it's reshaping how you experience God. All of this makes sense and underneath it all, do you hear the longing in each one of these voices? In all of our voices? The longing for freedom, for real connection, and for clarity, and a deep sense of who we really are in God's love.
What is people pleasing? I wanna start with a definition because people pleasing isn't the same thing as being kind, compassionate, or generous. Those are beautiful qualities that are often lying underneath our people pleasing tendencies, but those qualities are rooted in deep love and genuine care for the other person.
People pleasing, on the other hand, is something different. It's when your sense of worth depends on other people being pleased with you. It's when your desire to be liked, to be accepted, to be affirmed leads you to abandon your own needs, your opinions, even your values. And here's where it gets interesting, because there's a deeper distinction.
We don't always talk about. We often conflate approval seeking with people pleasing. Approval seeking is the motivation underneath our people pleasing behaviors. It's that inner drive to be liked, to be validated, to be accepted by others, and often it's sub subconscious. We don't even realize it's there.
It's an inner belief deep down inside that you might not even be aware of That says. My okayness depends on your approval and approval. Seeking shows up in all kinds of ways. It shows up when we overexplain ourselves to make sure we're understood when we fish for compliments or reassurance, when we avoid disagreement so that others won't think poorly of us, or when we perform or curate a version of ourselves to earn praise.
Now people pleasing is how that motivation often plays out externally. It's the behavior pattern that we see, right? People pleasing behaviors are all those behaviors we do to ensure that no one else will ever be upset with us. It often looks like saying yes. When you want to say no. Avoiding conflict at all costs, taking responsibility for other people's emotions, prioritizing other people's needs to your own detriment.
Here's the relationship between the two. Approval seeking is the internal driver. I need your approval to be okay. And people pleasing is one of the ways that we act out on that drive. Here's what the research in psychology shows us. People who chronically seek approval from others, especially through people pleasing behaviors, report higher levels of depression, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
And it's not because they're quote unquote, too nice. It's because over time you suppress your own needs, your own authentic voice in order to earn love. One recent study found that this pattern actually creates what psychologists call social disconnection. Despite trying to gain acceptance, people pleasers often feel more lonely and more misunderstood because the connections they form aren't based on their true self.
The very thing we do to feel closer to others actually leaves us feeling more alone and acknowledging that truth is where the healing begins. I actually feel alone, even though I'm working overtime to make sure everybody else is happy. I feel disconnected and unseen even though I'm working so hard to make sure other people feel validated by me.
The more you rely on approval from others to feel okay, the less seen and the more isolated you actually feel. Even though people pleasing is an attempt to belong, it often creates the very disconnection we're trying so hard to avoid. If it's so counterproductive, why do we develop these people pleasing patterns of behavior?
This is where I find parts work to be such a helpful perspective. When you think about your own people pleasing tendencies, I want you to think about that part of you as a protector part of you. Some part of you took up, pleasing others, trying to win the approval of others as its strategy and what's underneath that protector part of you is a deep fear that if I don't make that other person happy.
I will not be okay. My life depends on their happiness. My okayness depends on their approval of me. So there's two different things going on. We've got that part of you that takes up the strategy and does all of the people pleasing activities that make us so mad at ourselves, but underneath that is a deep fear that I have to earn their love, that I can't disappoint them or I won't be.
Okay. And here are five common reasons that that pattern might have surfaced inside of your own soul. Number one, attachment wounds. You may have learned early on that love was conditional. You didn't experience unconditional love from your caregivers, from the people around you, so a part of you learned that you had to work hard to earn love.
Number two, high sensitivity to others' emotions. People who are highly empathetic and those high and emotional intelligence often pick up intuitively on others' needs quickly and adapt to keep the peace. So part of you just never learned how to set gentle boundaries with a gift that God has given you.
Number three, enmeshment or blurred boundaries. In childhood, you may have taken responsibility for someone else's emotional wellbeing, especially a parent or a sibling, or an immediate family member, and you learn to conflate their happiness, their wellbeing with your own. Number four, religious or cultural messages.
Many of us were taught explicitly that it's selfish to say no to have needs or to even put ourselves first. We sort of cringe inwardly at the thought. It just feels so selfish, like it goes against everything we've been taught. And number five, it can also be a form of trauma response. People pleasing can be a form of what therapist Pete Walker has called fawning, which is a stress response.
Just as we fight or flee when we feel fearful or when we notice stress, right? We run toward conflict or we flee it. The fond response Walker theorized is a different sort of stress response that looks like being nice. It's a form of survival. If I can stay small and camouflage myself, then I won't be a threat.
So as you listen, think about which one of those roots resonates most with your experience and above all. Please know that people pleasing once did keep you safe. It is a form of survival response, but if it's running your life now, it's time to bring compassion to that part of you and help it rest inside healthy boundary lines in your soul.
I wanna talk a little bit about the Bible and people pleasing, and that touches on that. Number four, some of the religious and cultural messages, many of us received. One of the hardest things I hear from readers and listeners is this, I thought I was doing what God wanted, putting others first, dying to myself, but now I feel burned out, resentful and lonelier than ever.
That's real. And unfortunately there are a few Bible verses that can get misused to reinforce. People pleasing. Here are two examples. Number one, the verse from Philippians two, three that says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather, in humility, value others above yourselves. I love this verse.
I have tried to live my life by this verse, but the truth is this verse is about humility. Not self erasure. It doesn't say, your needs don't matter. It doesn't say you don't matter. In fact, humility, I would argue flows from a strong sense of self, from being deeply acquainted with your own needs, with your own opinions, from being deeply connected with our own souls.
Here are some examples of how humility differs from people pleasing. Let's say you're receiving critical feedback. Humility says, that's helpful. I hadn't considered that perspective. I'll reflect on it. People pleasing says, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it wrong. I'll fix it right away. Please don't be upset.
Let's say someone disagrees with you. Humility says, I see that we disagree and I respect your perspective. Here's where I am coming from. People pleasing says, yes, totally. I agree. Even when you don't, when someone is disappointed in you, humility says, I understand that this isn't what you hoped for. I'm also making the choice that feels right for me.
People pleasing says, I feel terrible. I'll change my decision so that you are not upset when it comes to service. Humility sounds like I'd love to help where I can and here's what I can realistically offer people pleasing sounds like whatever you need anything, just let me know. And then you feel resentful or depleted when you give more than you actually have.
When someone asks you to do something you don't have capacity for. Humility says, I really value what you're doing, but I need to say no right now so that I can honor my other commitments. People pleasing says, sure, I can do it. Anything, even though you're overwhelmed. Do you see the distinction? Humility honors the other person.
It honors their perspective without erasing yourself. The other verse that I talk about at length in my book, the best of you is Matthew 1624. Jesus says, deny yourself. Take up your cross and follow me. This one is a big one for me because I do believe in self-denial as a spiritual practice, but it gets so misconstrued, especially for women and especially for people who are inherently empathetic and especially for people who are carrying attachment wounds and trauma from childhood.
Jesus isn't saying never have an opinion. He's inviting us to surrender false identities, not our God-given voice or our inherent dignity. And listen, sometimes our false identities that he's asking us to deny is the part of us working overtime to please. Others people pleasing is not the same as Christlike Love.
Jesus was full of compassion and he had strong boundaries. He said no, he left crowds to rest. He sometimes disappointed other people and he spoke up when something wasn't right.
Most of us try to fix people pleasing by only changing the outward behavior. We try to say no more often. We practice boundary scripts. We brace ourselves for disappointing others, and it's a good start. Sometimes we have to practice before something feels intuitive, but if we don't also address the inner fear.
Driving those behaviors we're just muscling our way through. We're trying to fix ourselves instead of seeking the deeper transformational healing, I believe God has for us that deep inner fear is often that quiet voice inside each of us that says, if I stop pleasing them, will I be safe? Will I be loved?
Will I be okay? This is not just about learning to behave differently. It's about learning to relate differently to the part of you that's afraid. It's about connecting to that part of you that never fully knew love. Let's walk through what that healing process can look like. Number one, name the part of you that people pleases.
Simply notice what that part of you looks like, how it shows up. I notice there's a part of me that wants everyone to like me. That part of you isn't bad. It's trying to protect you, so we don't shame it. We get curious about it. What are you afraid would happen if I stop pleasing everyone? That one question can open the door to so much healing.
Number two, let God's love speak louder than other people's approval. This one's hard because that approval often feels like safety, but this is why Susan's question was so powerful. How do I feel okay without someone else's approval that's such. A valid and real question. When we start to shift, it opens our soul up to a different kind of love, and it can often feel disorienting, uncomfortable, uncertain, like we've shifted how we show up with other people, but then what happens to the part of us that has been working so hard to fill that void with other people's approval?
How do we bring that deeper part of us into. God's loving presence. It begins by rooting yourself in a love that doesn't shift with other people's moods, opinions or expectations. It means accessing that deeper younger. Part of you that maybe has never fully known what it's like to sit in the presence of love and to absorb into the depths of your being that you are not loved because you please others, you are loved because you are God's beloved child.
Let that truth settle into your nervous system. Spend time in prayer or reflection with that fearful part of you. What if it's true that I'm loved by God? What if I'm safe, even if others are not pleased with me? When you stop pleasing others, it doesn't only affect your relationships with others, it affects your relationship with God.
Parts of us have to learn what it feels like to receive. Love parts of us don't know what that feels like. When you've spent years pushing down your needs, beginning to care for yourself, your body, your mind, your emotions can feel like uncharted territory like Brie shared. It can even feel disorienting in your relationship with God.
Here's the thing. Your body, your emotions are not obstacles. It's new to discover a God who is actually in your body, in your nervous system, in your breath, in your movement, in the way you breathe. Slow when you feel safe. What if God's present isn't something you only reach for outside of yourself, but something you learn to experience within yourself as you become more whole?
Number three, practice speaking up bit by bit. As you become more aware of what's happening internally, take small steps to introduce change in your patterns. Healing doesn't mean swinging to the other extreme and becoming harsh or reactive. Healing is far more sustainable when you take small steps and introduce tiny changes and then allow your body, your nervous system, your emotions, the time to catch up.
And lastly, get support. People pleasing patterns often run deep. They're often rooted in early experiences and deeply embedded cultural messages and spiritual beliefs. You don't have to untangle this alone. Check in with a therapist, a spiritual director, a good friend, a wise mentor who can help you notice these patterns and begin to rewrite them.
As we close this episode, I want you to remember even the people pleasing part of you is. Beloved of God, don't beat yourself up for that. Part of you. Learn to get curious about those behaviors and the fears that lie underneath them. This is part of becoming integrated, becoming more whole. You are doing the brave work of coming home to yourself and learning to trust a God who wants to heal and be near every single part of you.
That's the kind of love that doesn't require performance or pleasing, just presence.
Thank you for joining me for this week's episode Of The Best of You, it would mean so much if you take a moment to subscribe. You can go to Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts and click the Plus or. Follow button that will ensure you don't miss an episode, and it helps get the word out to others while you're there.
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