The Real Reason You Compare Yourself (and How to Heal It)
Episode Notes
It can happen so fast - you feel grateful one moment, and five minutes on Instagram later you’re suddenly feeling small or behind. But what if comparison isn’t the problem itself, but a messenger?
Dr. Alison explores how comparison, when we pause to listen, can actually reveal our deepest longings and lead us back to connection with God, with others, and with ourselves. She explains why comparison is wired into us, what it’s trying to show us, and how to shift from competition to curiosity and compassion.
This conversation invites you to slow down, notice what stirs inside you when comparison shows up, and remember: your story is unfolding at its own sacred pace.
In this episode, we cover:
- Why comparison isn’t always toxic, and what it’s really telling you
- How to move from calibration to condemnation (and back again)
- The two types of comparison
- A simple three-step practice to use when you find yourself comparing
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Here are some other episodes you might like :
Episode 37: The Problem with Toxic Thinking
Episode 140: If You Struggle with Guilt and Second-Guessing Yourself, This Will Set You Free
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
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TRANSCRIPT:
Honestly, comparison is so often a longing for something that we see reflected in
someone else, but that longing is so important for us to pay attention to. Where
comparison leads depends on how we relate to it. Again, it's not the comparison in
itself that's the problem. It's the fruit that it bears in your soul. When it's
healthy, it can help us tune in to our surroundings and find our place among
others. But it's when we move from that calibration to condemnation. When the goal
shifts from connection to competition, that we start to lose the grounding in who we
are. What is this longing trying to show me? What is it revealing about what
matters most to my own soul?
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It's funny how I can feel perfectly content with my life one minute, grateful even,
and then five minutes on Instagram later, I feel behind inadequate or invisible. It
happens so fast. Maybe for you, it's not social media. Maybe it's that friend who
seems to have the kind of marriage you wish you had, or the sibling who always
lands on her feet. Maybe it's someone in your church who seems to have endless
blessings while you're just trying to hang on. Comparison has a way of sneaking in
quietly. It shows up in our friendships, in our families, even in our faith. One
moment we feel grounded, connected, confident in who we are in the next, that inner
voice starts whispering, you're falling behind, she's better than you are. You're not
good enough. The truth is, Comparison isn't really about envy.
It's about longing. The longing to feel seen, valued, and secure in our own story
and in our own lives. So as we begin today, I want to invite you to slow down
for a moment as you're listening or as you're watching and notice, who do you tend
to compare yourself to? Who's that person that stirs up that inner voice of
comparison. And most importantly, what messages do you hear about yourself when you
notice that person? For those of you watching the video, you'll see a vase of mums
here on the screen. Some are in full bloom, right? These red ones took a while to
come out, and I love it when they come out in full bloom. They're so beautiful.
But you'll also see some of these buds haven't opened up at all, right?
A little while back, we had asked you to share about your experiences around
comparison, and we heard from so many of you, and here's what a few of you had to
say. Hi, Allison, this is Julie from Connecticut, and I was calling to follow up
about your question about where I compare myself to others. And one area I noticed
in working through some difficult relationships in the past several years is kind of
comparing myself to some people who are maybe not acting ways that would be healthy
and kind of constantly trying to criticize myself, like, see your acting just as
badly as they are. Hi, my name is Katie from South Mississippi.
I often compare myself to where others are in their spiritual journey,
and I know what God has placed on my heart and the future that he has for me.
I know it's great, but in the moment, in the mundane, I get lost in the daily
task of being a stay -at -home mom, and I would love to grow in faith and courage,
knowing that what God has shown me in my past for my future will come,
and I just need to trust and lean on now.
Hi, my name is Rebecca. I'm calling from Seattle, Washington. I was just listening
to your podcast on comparison. And comparison has affected me psychologically,
spiritually, for most of my life. I'm pretty new to the faith. I was saved by
Jesus in January of this year after a really long, painful,
divorce, trauma, death, grief. And I had this sensation that God was holding out on
me. I would look on Instagram and I would see people getting married and pregnant
and I'm divorced I'm divorced in a one -bedroom apartment trying to make ends meet.
In that oppression of comparison, one thing that's really helped me is reflecting on
few scriptures, like, I've seen the God who sees me, and just resting in the
assurance that God has a good plan for my life. I've been anchored in the knowing
that God is going to use this season of my life, wherever I feel lack for his
glory, for his redemption. So thank you so much for speaking on this. You can hear
the thread, the common thread of comparison and the ache. So many of us feel
beneath these stories. Comparison is never really about the other person.
It's something deeper going on inside our own souls. And honestly,
comparison is so often a longing for something that we see reflected in someone
else. But that longing is so important for us to pay attention to.
This is the work of what I call taking a U -turn and noticing what's happening
inside of us as we're comparing ourselves to others. And I love how each one of
these women who shared,
that longing and gently attune to the place inside your own soul that's speaking.
Here's the truth. Comparison is wired into us. It's not a flaw. It's part of being
human. Psychologists call this social comparison theory, and I write about this in my
book. I shouldn't feel this way. Social comparison is the instinct to measure
ourselves against others. It's a way of finding belonging and safety.
We look around us at others to gauge our own sense of belonging. It's like walking
into a room full of people and realizing you didn't get the memo. I do this all
the time and I hate it when this happens. But I look around and I see that
everyone else in the room is in jeans and t -shirts and I'm standing there in heels
and a cocktail dress and wanting to literally just run and hide because I'm not in
sort of coordination with the group. And that quick scan,
right, to see what's everyone else is doing. How do I measure up? Is your nervous
system trying to find belonging? It's how our nervous system once tried to figure
out, am I okay here? Do I fit in? Am I safe in this group.
Do I belong? Think about when you start a new job or step into a new community,
maybe a small group at church or a new job or a new workout class at the gym. At
first, you kind of find yourself scanning the room. How do people interact here?
What's normal? How do things work? Do people talk to each other? Do they not? I'm
trying to figure out What are the social norms in the room? And that kind of
comparison is just natural. It's not all bad. It helps us attune to our environments
and find our places in it. You're not judging yourself or others. You're just
gathering data, right? You're gathering the information. What are the norms here? How
do I fit in here? How do I feel safe and connected? In psychology, we call this
social calibration. It's how we learn the rhythms of a group.
others to orient ourselves. We don't want to care too much,
right, about what other people think, but we do care a little. It's part of being
human. You want to have some sense that you fit in, that you understand and that
you're part of the larger whole. And here's the thing. If you do want to stand
out, right, you do want to be different than the group. You do it knowingly because
you wanted to, because you chose to, because you understood the norms and you said,
this is how I want to be different, not because you misunderstood the assignment. So
here's the bottom line. Comparison itself isn't the problem. When it's healthy,
it can help us tune in to our surroundings and find our place among others. This
is part of our biology. It's part of our wiring. It's how God made us. But it's
when we move from that calibration to condemnation, when the goal shifts from
connection to competition, that we start to lose the grounding in who we are.
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There are actually two kinds of comparison, and we saw these reflected in the
messages today. One is called upward comparison. We tend to look towards someone who
we think is ahead of us in some way. That can either inspire us or it can leave
us feeling deflated, depending on how we relate to it. The other type of comparison
is downward comparison. When we look towards someone who seems to be struggling more
than we are, and that might give us a sense of comfort, but sometimes it can feed
a sense of pride or distance or false confidence rooted in superiority,
rather in a healthy self -examination. Here's the thing. Neither of these is all bad
or all good. Again, it's not the comparison in itself that's the problem.
It's the fruit that it bears in your soul. Upward comparison,
when you look to someone who you see as ahead of you, can become an inspiration.
You see someone who's excelling in a certain way, and instead of shrinking back, You
let it wake up something really alive.
descending way, but in a deeply human way, right? Instead of judging or looking down
on or distancing, you pause and you notice. You think, gosh,
I see that they're struggling and I feel bad for them. I also am grateful in a
way that I'm not struggling in that way. I'm not there anymore. And it reminds you
to be grateful for what you have. It brings a sort of healthy humility and a
healthy gratitude of, gosh, I'm not there. I've come far.
I'm at a different place in my life. And that can be another healthy form of
comparison. When it opens your heart and it awakens empathy as well as inspiration
and it brings you closer, both to God and to others and more fully into your true
self, where you want to go with your own life. When comparison brings a good fruit
of courage or inspiration or gratitude, it's healthy. But here's the thing.
So often, and especially in this social media age, comparison starts to bear the
fruit of envy, resentment, even desolation and despair, it can also bear the fruit
of pride again. When we're divided from our own worth,
from our own love, from our own passions, from our own gifts, that's the signal
that it's time to come back home to your own soul, that something's off,
that there's work to be done inside of you. Comparison becomes a signal,
a cue. Oh my gosh, I'm not being inspired. I'm not feeling gratitude. I'm not
feeling compassion or empathy. I'm just beating up on myself. I'm just hating on
myself. I'm just feeling, you know, sort of desolate inside of myself as I see
myself in comparison to others. That's when it becomes toxic. And that's when we
have to pause and pay attention. Because it's taking us away from our own sense of
belovedness. And we forget that like those moms, right? We have our own pace,
our own path. We will bloom in our own time, but we don't want to squash those
buds that aren't quite there yet. We want to give them the good soil and the water
and the nutrients that they need to bloom in their own time.
And this is when we begin to hear that phrase that so many of you have heard.
It's called comparison becomes the thief of joy. And it's really true.
But I'm not sure that comparison is only the thief of joy. It's also the thief of
connection. Because when we're comparing ourselves negatively to other people, whether
upward or downward, we're robbing ourselves of connectedness. Instead of seeing people
as other people with whom to walk, to be inspired to more greatness or to
understand our own gratitude for where we've come and have a sense of compassion and
even a desire to lift up someone else who's struggling. We become really self
-focused, right? We become focused on our own insecurities,
our own perceived flaws. And we lose connection with other people,
with ourselves and with God. If you think about comparison, right, on a line,
right, on a line, I'm holding my hands out here if you're watching the video. At
the top of that line is the word inspiration, right? In the middle is observation.
And at the bottom is despair, right? Where comparison leads depends on how we relate
to it. When it's observation, it's just neutral. I notice something about this other
person. I notice something about this other person. I notice where they're struggling.
I notice where this person is excelling. Right. I'm making an observation. When it
moves to inspiration, it helps bring out the best of who we are. When it moves to
empathy or compassion, it helps bring out the best of who we are. but when we
judge ourselves or judge someone else, it moves down to despair.
The invitation with comparison is to stay curious. When we notice that observation,
right, when we're noticing what's going on with someone else, is to ask ourselves,
what is this longing trying to show me? What is it revealing about what matters
most to my own soul. So we've talked a little bit about the psychology of
comparison, how it's wired into us, how it can lead us toward inspiration and
gratitude, or how it can lead us away from connection toward despair.
Now I want to bring this a little deeper into the language of scripture. I think
of Psalm 139. It's such a beautiful verse that we all know. It says you are
fearfully and wonderfully made. That's not just a poetic statement,
right? That's a grounding truth. That's an ontological reality of your being. You are
beautifully and wonderfully made. It means that your pace and your wiring and the
blooming that you are designed to do was formed with intention and care.
God, put that in you. It's there. It can't be taken away.
Right. So when you catch yourself comparing yourself to someone else, it's not just
an invitation to stop. It's an invitation to look to God,
right? To look to God as that ultimate compass. I think of the plum line, right?
If you're into building or if you're into construction or if you've renovated your
house, builders use these plum lines to make sure that lines are straight. And
there's sort of like a weighted magnet that pulls toward the center of gravity to
make sure that the line is straight. And that plum line of who you are and who
you're meant to become always has to be anchored vertically, first and foremost, to
God, the one who created your soul and designed you for a wonderful purpose and
with wonderful gifts to contribute to this world. And ultimately, that has to be the
anchoring for our ultimate comparison. So when you notice yourself observing something
going on and someone else, right, you take that as a cue and then you always take
it back vertically to God. And that's how you begin to bring in to check and move
toward inspiration, toward gratitude, toward connection, and away from those negative
components of comparison. This is about trust. And trust in God is not passive.
It's active. It's a partnership. Trusting God includes trusting the person.
God is forming inside of you. The person he's made inside of you.
Sometimes comparison reveals a longing, a spark of something sacred,
right? That longing might be pointing you toward a part of your story or a part of
your soul that really wants to grow. I remember a season when I was comparing
myself to a woman incessantly and it was negative. But I noticed it and I paused
and this was years ago. She was a writer. She had such a great lovely presence.
She had kids. She worked from home and she wrote books, incredible books. And I
just would notice myself comparing myself to her. And it had a little bit of tinge
of envy in that case. But when I paused,
that you want.
One of you wrote in, you didn't want to use your voice, but you talked about how
you compare yourself to others spiritually. And I thought, what a beautiful cue that
a part of you really longs for a spiritually vibrant life. You long for a
spiritually vital relationship with God where you're walking in harmony with God. What
a beautiful longing. And that cue that you're comparing.
from you. And in that way, comparison can become a signal about what our real
longings are. Lori, you mentioned how easy it is to compare yourself to your
friends. And I love that you're paying attention to that. Friendship can be such a
fertile ground for comparison for all of us. But it's also such a great place to
practice this attunement. What is that longing you feel and how is it actually a
signal to honor your own unique desire, something that's showing up inside of you
and that before God you could cultivate in the soil of your own soul.
Rebecca, you talked about how you've been comparing your stage of life when going
through a divorce, making ends meet, and comparing yourself to others on social
media, and it makes so much sense that you're feeling that way. I think so many of
us can relate to you. And we're in a tough season of life. We've just come through
something, right? And we see other people in a different season of life, and it's
painful. And I hope you know you're not alone that so many of us have felt that
way. I know I have felt that way in different seasons of my life. And that
longing, you know, for stability and the joy of a healthy relationship and to feel
like you've come through something and you're out the other side is so beautiful.
It's a sign that your soul is intact. It's a sign that your soul longs for
something God longs for you also to have. And I hear in your desire to trust God
and to acknowledge where you are, but to know that you also long for more.
Remember, your story isn't behind. It's unfolding at a pace that's right for you.
God is still writing your story, even in these chapters that feel uncertain and
different from others. Julie, you talked about comparing yourself to others with
unhealthy habits. I thought it was so interesting because in a way, you're
criticizing yourself in comparison to others. and sometimes that's how we try to feel
safe, right, by kind of looking at others and gauging ourselves in comparison to how
they're doing. But it's also a deeper longing. What if that longing is some part of
you that's kind of trying to tell you, I want to work on some habits. I want to
work on some habits. I don't want to beat myself up about them, but I want to
work on some habits in my own life. What's that deeper longing and how can you
take that longing and move it away from that horizontal comparison and toward that
vertical inquiry with God. God, what's this about? What part of my soul is speaking
to me and longing for something that actually has nothing to do with these other
people, but that is all about my own health and something that you're calling me to
into a deeper grace and the freedom to release this sense of comparison,
both toward others and this criticism toward my own self. So whether it's friendship,
faith, or life stage, or someone else's habits, each of these longings points us
back to the same truth. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your timeline is not their timeline. Your story is not their story.
And the God who formed you is still forming you. So what does this actually look
like? Moving from comparison into a deeper sense of connection with ourselves, with
God, and with others. How do we take that moment of noticing, that observation, that
spark of longing, and turn it into something life -giving? Here's a simple practice I
often use. It's the name it, frame it, brave it model that I write about. And I
shouldn't feel.
name it and make a note of it, especially if it's recurring. Number two, frame it.
What messages do you tell yourself about this situation?
Are you self -critical? I should have been better. I should be more like they are.
Do you notice guilt messages? I shouldn't feel this way. Do you feel envy?
I want what they have. Do you notice self -doubt? I'll never be good enough,
right? The second part of framing it is to normalize it. This is part of being
human. Everyone compares. Everyone has moments of insecurity and longing, right?
This is part of being human. It's the sign that your soul is working. You're not
broken because you feel this way. You're alive, right? This is the sign of a
healthy soul. It's what you do with it. Right. So reframe it in your mind that
way. When you notice comparison, don't beat yourself up. But instead, notice that,
oh, this is it. This is, there I go again. That part of me is scanning for
belonging. And it's normal. And everyone does it. And then number three,
we get into the final step, which is rave it. Ask yourself, what is a step I can
take? I've kind of analyzed and thought about this observation, right?
I want it to move me toward inspiration, toward gratitude. So what is a step I can
take? Maybe it's showing you a value you hold, something God has placed within you
that wants attention. What's a step I can take toward nurturing that value. Maybe
it's showing you a need for rest. Maybe you need more encouragement. Maybe to find
a sense of purpose. Maybe to find more connection. What step can you take to
cultivate those things in your own life? Whatever it is, always bring that
observation, that comparison back to that plum line anchoring yourself in the love of
God. You might simply pray, God, show me what you're forming in me through this
feeling. Or you might just say, thank you, God, for the life you've given me today.
Thank you for what's mine to hold and what's mine to release. Gratitude doesn't
erase longing. It grounds it. It helps you see your own story with tenderness,
always in the light of God's love for you. When you put these steps together, you
start to rewire how your soul responds. Comparison becomes a cue for connection.
Longing becomes a doorway into greater relationship with God, and slowly you begin to
live from that deep, steady place inside, the place where you know who you are, you
know you are fearfully and wonderfully made take a moment as we close and just
picture that person you often compare yourself to notice what you feel inside maybe
it's tension maybe it's envy maybe it's sadness now bring that part of you your
comparing part of you into the light of god's love What does that part of you need
from God right now, today? As we close, I want you to remember this.
Comparison is a signal, not a sin. It's a messenger from your soul,
a sign that something inside you is longing to grow, to be seen, to be loved,
and God's plan has always included your becoming. It's not just about the
destination, right? It's about
restores your sense of enoughness. It grounds you back in your own story,
reminding you who you are and whose you are. There is such beauty in blooming right
where you are today. So as you head into your week, I want to leave you with this
affirmation. There is no timeline on your becoming. The same God who made you
uniquely is the one who's growing you at your own pace.
Take a few minutes today to journal or pray about one area where comparison has
been whispering to you lately and ask God, what are you showing me through this
longing? Thank you for joining me for this episode of The Best of You. Be sure to
check out the show notes for any resources and links mentioned in the show. You can
find those on my website at And Allison cook .com. That's Allison with one L .cook
.com. Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that you don't miss
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remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God, you heal others,
and you stay true to your God -given self.