Reboot Your Boundaries — A Practical Guide to Help you Reset, Protect Your Peace and Create Space for What Matters Most

Is summer leaving you more frazzled than refreshed? Between travel, family gatherings, long days, and shifting routines, summer can test your limits in unexpected ways. If you’re feeling stretched thin, resentful, or just plain exhausted—this episode will be your practical step by step guide to resetting your boundaries. 

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Backed by recent research and years of experience, Dr. Alison walks you through why boundaries are essential for your brain, relationships, and emotional health—and how to set them with clarity and kindness.

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In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How healthy boundaries light up the part of your brain responsible for resilience
  
  
• Why even Jesus modeled limits—and what that means for you
  
  
• The difference between healthy boundaries and controlling behavior
  
  
• Three levels of boundaries—from simple resets to firm protection
  
  
• Five boundary shortcuts you can start using today (with practical scripts!)
  
  
• Why the hardest boundaries are often the ones we set with ourselves
  
  

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If you’re longing for a summer with more peace, more joy, and less emotional exhaustion, this episode will leave you feeling empowered and equipped.

📥 Get the Alison’s free printable with the five boundary tools mentioned in this episode when you sign up for her weekly email.

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For more on boundaries, check out:

• Episodes 24 — Boundaries, the Spectrum of Toxicity, and a Note About Evil
• Episode 25 — Types of “No” Part 1 — How to say “No” in Healthy Relationships
• Episode 26 — Types of “No” Part 2 — How to say “No” to Toxicity, The Real Meaning of Turn The Other Cheek & How to Form A Boundaries Committee 
• Get the first 3 chapters of The Best of You + a free boundaries devotional & workbook here

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📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here

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💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.

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Editing by Giulia Hjort

Sound engineering by Kelly Kramarik

Music by Andy Luiten

While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍

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© 2025 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage or transcript without permission from the author.

Transcript

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Best of You podcast. I'm Dr. Alison, and my goodness have I been thinking a lot about boundaries. We're only about a month into summer. Phew. I am in need of a summer tuneup, and so that's what we're going to do today. 

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Today's episode comes out of a need in my own life for a summer tuneup, as well as it's coming out of what I'm hearing over and over again from so many of you, because summer, with all its beauty, has a lot of chaos and it has a way of testing our limits—whether it's travel, extended family time, parenting, fatigue, social obligations, or just the change in structure. The longer days, the pressure to be on all the time. You might find yourself stretched too thin, out of gas, resentful of other people, or just desperate for a tuneup.

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And that's where I want to meet you today. I want to walk you through a summer boundaries tuneup, a practical check-in, just you and me to help you reset. Take a deep breath, make some low hanging fruit, low stakes decisions to just take back a little bit more control this summer and discover just a little bit more peace, a little bit more clarity, and a little bit more joy.

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Now before we dive in, I want to encourage you with some recent research on the power and importance of boundaries. As I was diving into some of these articles over this past month, it was incredibly encouraging to me to read how important it is to stay on top of our boundaries and how it is an ongoing process.

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So here's what I found:

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Number one: There are recent studies that show that when you set boundaries, you actually light up the prefrontal cortex. That's the part of your brain responsible for decision making and emotional regulation. So when you set boundaries, you're helping to build resilience over time. It's good for your brain to set boundaries. 

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Number two: boundaries can help prevent emotional overload or emotional collapse. One journal found that establishing healthy boundaries can temporarily. Increased confrontations, which most of us don't like. However, when we step up decisively, when we take command, when we finally put our foot down about something that we need, it reduces our long-term anxiety. It reduces burnout and it reduces emotional exhaustion.

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Number three: Several recent studies have confirmed that there's a strong link between boundary setting and happiness, boundary setting, and more trusting healthier relationships and boundary setting and better overall wellbeing, Healthy boundaries are good for our relationships. We don't always like 'em on the front end, especially if we've been conditioned to always put other people first, to always make other people happy. But it's such an important muscle to exercise, and it's good not only for you, but for your relationships. 

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Number four: I thought this was so interesting. There's some really interesting research coming out of Australia where a survey of teenagers revealed that one in four misidentify controlling behaviors as healthy boundaries. Now, this can go both ways. We can misinterpret someone else trying to control us as them having a healthy boundary, but I've also seen it the other way where we can slip into trying to control others—which is not having a healthy boundary. It's crucial to know the difference between healthy boundaries and controlling behaviors. We're going to get into how to do that today. 

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And number five: there's also a lot out there warning against an overcorrection with boundaries, right? Where any conflict is labeled toxic, anyone else's misstep is seen as an excuse to sever ties. We don't want that. That's not what we're after here. What we are after in this community is that “both / and”—we want to be people of grace, we want to be people of kindness. We want to be people who honor the legitimate, genuine needs of other people. We want to be people who care for others. And we want to be people who are gracious and kind and honoring of ourselves. That's where healthy boundaries come in. 

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So if you've been feeling overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, anxious, indecisive, incapable of sticking up for yourself, this episode is for you. We're going to walk through just some really practical tips and scripts to help you reboot your summer boundaries. 

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First up, let's start with just a simple boundaries check-in.

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I want you to take just a minute right now, wherever you're sitting, wherever you're listening, whatever you're doing, and just ask yourself the following questions. 

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• Where are you feeling most drained right now? 
• Who or what is getting more access to your soul—taking up more mental real estate in your mind than is healthy for you?
• Where are you overexplaining yourself, over accommodating other people, or feeling quietly resentful?

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Just take a minute to notice what comes up for you. You don't have to fix it right now. Don't blame yourself for what you're feeling. Don't even blame the other person. 

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Just Notice.

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Recently in my own life, I found myself just feeling like I was moving in 25 different directions at once. And what happens for me is when I get overwhelmed, I get more compulsive in my need meeting. I get quicker to respond to texts quicker, to respond to emails quicker, to check in on someone who might be hurting. It's like that default part of me ratchets up. The more overwhelmed I am when what I really need to do is pull back, take a deep breath, give myself a moment to reset and reconfigure and take ownership back over my time and what I'm giving out to others.

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And so in my case, those questions really brought me back to an inner place of not even figuring out how to set boundaries with others, but instead figuring out how to set a gentle boundary with that compulsively need-meeting part of myself, right? There's endless needs around me when the kids are home and their friends are in the house and family's all around it, and there's a million logistics with travel plans and trying to get to the mountains and trying to pack up food and coolers and the dogs are needy and there's just a million things outside of me that I could focus on.

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There's just that gentle cue to turn my focus inward and check in with that part of myself that is frantically trying to meet every single. Quote unquote need because they're not all real needs around me. So often boundary setting starts inside yourself. Sometimes the hardest boundaries to set aren't with other people.

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They're with the parts of ourselves that feel responsible for keeping everybody else on track, happy or okay. You might recognize this inside of you. Maybe a part of you jumps in really quickly to meet needs. Smooth things over. Anticipate disappointment. Anticipate boredom in your kids. And while this part of you likely developed for a good reason, it can become compulsive. Exhausting. And at the end of the day, counterproductive—where you begin to meet needs all around you that don't need to be met. 

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So how do you work with that internal boundary? 

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Number one, name it. Oh my gosh. There's that part of me again, trying to earn love by being indispensable. Anxiously trying to ward off boredom because I can't stand to see my kids melt down. Trying to keep the peace between my kids, between my family members, between my friends. Instead of letting them fight their own battles. 

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Number two, listen in to that part of you with compassion. What are you afraid would happen if you didn't work so hard? This part of you usually carries old fears. Fears of not mattering, fears of being unworthy. Fears of being abandoned. Just notice what fears come up if you were to stop working so hard. 

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Number three, anchor yourself in truth. Remind this part of you: You don't have to keep everyone happy for me to be loved. You don't have to keep everybody at peace. For me to feel. Peace. You don't have to wait until everybody's needs are met to take time for your own needs.

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And then number four, offer this part of you a new role instead of overworking to keep everybody else happy. Invite this part of you to help you discern when you need a break. When you notice that part of you ratcheting up its energy to meet everybody's needs, to make everybody happy, to keep the peace to overperform, to overproduce: let that become a cue that you might need to take a deep breath, turn all that energy on its head.

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When you create space inside for that part of you to feel seen, understood, and heard by you, you begin to build healthy inner boundaries, and that becomes the foundation for your healthy boundaries with other people.

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When it comes to your external relationships, here are three levels of boundaries you might need to set—because sometimes you just need a little tweak and sometimes you're dealing with something a little more complicated. And I break all of these down in this series I did on boundaries episodes 24, 25, and 26. So if you want to go deeper on these, go back and check out that series—Episodes 24, 25 and 26, but I'm going to give you the very quick overview right now. 

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Level one is when you just need a simple reset of boundaries with the healthy people in your life. It could be your kids, could be family members, friends, work colleagues. These are the people who can hear you. You're just out of sync and you just need to hit a quick reset button in some of these relationships. In this case, it might just be as simple as saying to a friend. “I am so overwhelmed this week. Can we press pause on our plans?” or saying to your kids, “Hey, you guys are on your own this afternoon. I'm going to close the door and take a nap.” 

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Or maybe taking an hour of personal time at work when you're caught up, you're not going to hurt anybody, and you just say, “Hey, I'm going to cut out. A couple of hours early today, I need the personal time.”  These are situations where it's just a matter of giving yourself some space, an hour, two hours, that's just for you, where you're inserting a pause to give yourself a breath.

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Level two is when you're needing to reinforce boundaries with people who are really draining to you. These are people who may not realize how much they ask of you. They might be family members that actually need your care. They rely on you, and while you love them, it's challenging.

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These might be friends who are going through a hard time and you want to be there for them, and you also need to pace yourself so that you can stay in it with them over the long haul. There's no shame in acknowledging this to yourself, and this is where it's so important to have that healthy reframe internally. I need to pull back just a little bit so that I don't burn out, so that I don't overextend myself this summer and have nothing left to give down the road. 

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You're actually doing other people a favor when you manage your own pace and when you don't overextend what you have to give. But remember, this isn't being cruel. This is being wise. 

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And then level three are those unsafe people in your life where for whatever reason, maybe you've never had good boundaries with them. Maybe you're just beginning to realize how unsafe they are. Maybe you—because of summer— are overwhelmed because of everything you have had on your plate, you actually have kind of let them back in because it's just your default.

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This happens to so many of us, especially when we're overwhelmed. And here's the good news about this level three, especially when we're trying to go for the low hanging fruit, the quick wins. So often what you need in these cases are actions. You don't even have to figure out how to get the words right.

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Just let your actions do the talking. This is what I wish therapists would talk about more. Boundaries aren't always about the right words. They're rarely those polished scripts that you see online. So often boundaries are about your posture, your body, the energy with which you enter or leave. A room.

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They're the look in your eye, the way you rise up and excuse yourself from a space. They're that quiet energy that says, I'll stay in the room with you, but you don't get access to me. Or I'll listen to your words, but I'm not absorbing them or I'm here, but I will excuse myself the moment you step out of line.

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These boundaries don't always show up with words. They show up with an energy in your body with actions. They're embodied, and that's especially important in summer when you might be with people who don't listen well, who share more than you want them to share, who gossip about other people or who don't respect your words.

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You might just need to let your energy, not your explanations do. The work, and this is a powerful kind of boundary. So again, listen, this isn't cruel. This isn't the silent treatment. This is self protection, especially when the other person won't or cannot meet you with mutual respect. 

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Now let's get super practical.

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I want to give you five boundary shortcuts to keep handy this summer, and we're going to send out a little document in my weekly email. If you get my free weekly email, it comes out Thursdays. We're going to give this to you as a printout that you can literally paste on your fridge just to remind yourself, or better yet, paste it on your cell phone so that when that text comes in, when that call comes in, you see this right here, and you remind yourself, wait a minute. Look at the sheet before I agree to something I can't do. 

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Number one, the pause button. The pause button sounds like this. Let me think about that and get back to you. Use this one liberally. You're allowed to not respond to other people immediately. In fact, I would encourage you this summer to almost always answer any request for something from you with, let me think about that and get back to you.

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Number two. The gentle, no, the gentle, no sounds like, ah, that doesn't work for me this time. So simple. That won't work for me this week. No drama, no over-explaining. Just kind firm clarity. 

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Number three, the redirect. You simply say, that's not something I want to talk about right now. You can use this one with your kids, you can use it with your in-laws.

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You can use it with visiting out of town guests. It's especially helpful with intrusive questions or recurring conflict. You just say very nicely, oh, that's not something I want to talk about right now. 

Number four, the exit strategy. This is my favorite one, and this is one you can use without words, especially in those toxic situations. It simply means just have a plan for when you need to step away. Know what that plan is in your mind. I'll stay 30 minutes and then I will excuse myself and you do it. Or the minute they start criticizing me, I'll excuse myself and you do it. Or the minute the conversation gets political, I'll excuse myself and you do it.

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And if you do want to use words, just say, oh my goodness, I've gotta head out. I'll check in with you later. It's that simple. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

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Then number five, the support squad. And this is so important. Who are your one to two safe people you can text or call when boundaries get hard? This is your boundaries committee, right? These are those folks where you just say, I need help. SOS! I don’t know what to do in this situation. And just that very act gives you the gift of agency. It creates a pause and it allows you to set the healthy boundary. 

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Remember, boundaries are not about pushing people away. They're not about controlling other people's behaviors. They're creating space for your soul to thrive too. You are not an eternal need meter. It is not your job to make sure everybody else thrives at the expense of yourself. So as you listen, take a deep breath, tune in, reset. Remember to let your actions speak.

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If you need to simply walk into a quiet room, shut the door and give yourself 10 minutes to breathe. You can do it. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You're protecting what's sacred inside of you. 

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If you want more tools, don't forget to check out those older episodes, 24, 25 and 26, which is a boundaries deep dive. You can also grab the free workbook plus the first three chapters of my book, the Best of You, which is all about boundary setting. The link is in the show notes as well as the link to my free weekly email where we'll send you those five quick practical tools. As a cutout for you to hang on your refrigerator or put next to your phone.

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You deserve a summer where you are not exhausted by the end. Wherever you find yourself this weekend, this summer, whether you're resetting with someone you love, reinforcing a boundary that's long overdue or quietly stepping back from a dynamic that just isn't safe, I want you to remember this. Boundaries aren't about pushing people away, they're about protecting what's sacred inside of you.

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You don't have to explain everything. You don't have to do it perfectly. You don't have to get your words just right. You just need the courage to listen inward and take a step that's good for you. And so I'll leave you with this question I always want us to return to when we think about boundaries.

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This is when I invite you to sit with a journal on or bring into your time with God. This week, and that's this. 

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What is it you want to say Yes to this summer? 

What would bring life to you? 

What brings out the best of you? 

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Because every boundary you set isn't just a no. It's a yes to your peace, to your health, to your freedom, to the goodness and flourishing in life of your soul.

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So as you consider the nos, you need to say, don't forget that crucial question this summer. What's one thing you want to say yes to?

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Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Best of You. It would mean so much if you take a moment to subscribe. You can go to Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts and click the Plus or. Follow button that will ensure you don't miss an episode, and it helps get the word out to others while you're there.

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I'd love it if you leave your five star review. I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday. And remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God. You heal others and you stay true to your God given self.

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