For the Ones Who Are Overwhelmed and Tempted to People-Please - A Real-Time Practice to Help You Return to God’s Loving Presence
Episode Notes
If you’ve ever found yourself wide awake at night replaying a conversation…
If you spiral through guilt after setting even the gentlest boundary…
If you carry everyone else’s emotions while losing sight of your own…
You’re not alone.
In today’s episode, Dr. Alison shares personally about these moments in her own life and guides you through a real-time reflective practice you can do right alongside her. It’s the most effective tool we’ve found to help when overwhelm rises, when you’re tempted to slip back into people-pleasing, or when conflict sends your nervous system into overdrive.
Instead of overthinking, overanalyzing, or pushing your feelings aside, this practice helps you:
- Notice what’s happening inside with kindness
- Connect with the part of you that’s working overtime to keep you safe
- Offer compassion to your own soul — the same compassion you extend so easily to others
- Invite God’s loving, steady presence into the places that feel tangled, tense, or afraid
📥 Grab your 3 free Boundaries For Your Soul resources here
📥 Download Alison’s free printable with the five boundary tools when you sign up for her weekly email.
If you liked this episode, you’ll love:
Episode 75: Your Secret Weapon Against Stress and Anxiety
Episode 112: Navigating Anxiety
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.
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TRANSCRIPT
I wanted to give you a real time tool. The most helpful tool,
in fact, I've ever found to help me when I'm feeling chaotic, overwhelmed, and
anxious. And I'm so worried about the other person. This isn't healthy self
-sacrifice. This is a form of self -erasure and even self -harm. Anxiety,
overwhelm, grief, stress. These things don't mean you're failing.
These are invitations to connect more lovingly to this beautiful soul God has made.
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. I'm so
glad you're here with me this week. This is our last episode before Thanksgiving.
So we're going to take next week, Thanksgiving off. And I wanted to record a sort
of special episode for you. I wanted to give you a real time tool.
The most helpful tool, in fact, I've ever found to help me when I'm feeling
chaotic, overwhelmed, and anxious. In fact, this last week I found myself exactly in
that place completely tied up in knots. In this case, it was over all things
conflict. I hate conflict with anyone. Now,
I've done a lot of work around trying to be clear, trying to communicate as well
as around healthy boundaries. I teach this stuff all the time. And yet, even after
all that work, there's still a deeply feeling, deeply empathetic part of my soul
that resins.
what I feel, what I think, what I need, I've already imagined exactly what I think
the other person must be feeling, right? It's like I'm carrying both of our emotions
at once. I'm carrying everything the other person is going through right alongside
and sometimes even before what I'm trying to work through. It's a familiar cocktail,
right? I write about this in the best of you, right? It's a mix of my own
personality style. I'm highly sensitive. I'm highly empathetic. My own childhood
conditioning and church messages that have told me to always think of others first.
These are not bad qualities and I'm grateful that I have them, but when I really
need to have the hard conversations, these qualities can get the best of me.
that drive to keep the peace, to make everyone else okay,
that's the place where a codependent part of me takes root in my life and starts
spinning all these catastrophizing and worst case scenarios where I'm worried more
about the other person, even though I'm not doing anything wrong. And I'm so worried
about the other person that I start risking doing harm to myself,
right? This isn't healthy self -sacrifice. This is a form of self -erasure and even
self -harm. And even now, it can still creep up on me. When I'm tangled up like
that inside, it tends to show up as anxiety. My heart starts raising. I feel a
rush of adrenaline. My whole nervous system goes into high alert. It's hard to sleep
and it can take a full day sometimes too for everything to begin to settle down
and then after I finally say the hard thing and speak up or even just set a very
gentle boundary another wave will hit a wave of guilt a wave of self -doubt that
feeling of did I do something wrong that really can still show up in my mind it's
like my body goes through the conflict twice. Once before I speak and once after.
I'm guessing many of you know exactly what that feels like. You wrestle and wrestle
with whether to say the hard thing, whether to pull back, whether to say no,
whether to show up, whether to not show up. And then when you finally make the
decision, there's a backlash, almost like your internal system can't believe you
actually stood up for yourself, right? And you start worrying about all the
implications. This is where my own inner work has been life -changing.
I can tell myself all the truths that I know. I can use logic on myself.
I can analyze the situation. I can even talk to a friend who reminds me of what's
real. And all of those things are important. But what has helped me the most in
these situations? The only thing that actually calms my soul and restores peace to
my body is when I turn inward and acknowledge the part of my soul that's in
distress. When I connect with this part of me like a person in my life in need of
care when I recognize this part of me is as deserving of my empathy and of my
care as everyone else out there. If you've ever found yourself like me wide awake
at night, replaying a conversation or caught in that loop of what ifs, you're not
alone. It's so deeply human. Anxiety is a part of being human.
Overwhelm is a part of being human. It happens to all of us. It's one of the ways
our soul signal that something inside is seeking safety,
connection, or care, right, where we can extend that same sort of empathy, that same
sort of compassion to an inner part of our souls that we're extending to other
people out there. In different seasons, this kind of anxiety can wear many faces.
Sometimes it hides behind perfectionism, right? You'll find yourself whispering. If I
could just get it right, maybe then I could relax. Or it shows up as chronic
people pleasing. If everyone else is happy, then I'll be okay. For some of you,
like me, it shows up from a fear of conflict. If I stay quiet, maybe I'll stay
safe. And for many of us today, it's triggered even by social media and technology,
right? The endless scroll that keeps us looped in a toxic,
anxious place in our minds. Over the past few episodes, we've talked about each of
these topics. What happens when other people push your buttons? We've talked about
that with Dr. Stuart Ablon. We've talked about anxious habits like doom scrolling
with Dr. Bethany Teachman. And I shared with you some of my own thoughts on
comparison. Today, I want to offer you something different.
to compare, a fear of conflict, worry about your own children, or worry about the
headlines. Whatever it is, if you're able, I want you to walk through this
reflection with me. Now, it means you'll need to be in a quiet space, so hopefully
you can close your eyes. So if you're driving in a car, go ahead and listen and
attune to what I'm saying, but keep your eyes on the road. But if you can, find a
safe place where you can close your eyes and join me in this exercise.
This isn't about fixing or suppressing or analyzing your anxiety.
It's about learning to notice what's happening inside of you with compassion and
inviting God into those anxious spaces in your soul. Because that's what I believe
mindfulness is. It's a sacred noticing. It's deeply tied to our spiritual formation.
It's slowing down long enough to observe what's happening within you, not to judge
it, but to be present to it and to invite God's presence to be with you too.
We're going to talk more about mindfulness after the holidays. Again, I think it's
such a helpful type of awareness to understand especially as we go into this holiday
season. But when you integrate it with a parts -based, God -centered approach,
something incredible happens. We realize we can notice the anxious,
tied up in knots, turned inside out, scared parts of our souls,
not as all of who we are, but as one part of us that's working overtime to make
us safe. And we remember that we don't face these things alone.
God is with us right here in the middle of whatever it is we're going through.
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So let's get to it. The next 10 to 12 minutes, I'm going to walk you through a
guided reflection, right? You can follow right along with me in real time.
You can hit the pause button on wherever you're watching, whether you're listening or
watching. If you want more time with each one of these prompts, I'm going to give
you. Ideally, you can get to a place where you can close your eyes and really
focus on what's happening inside your own soul.
in need of care. So often your attention is outward, caring for others,
caring for your kids, caring for your family, caring for the people with whom you
work, right? This is your time to care for your own soul in that same way.
I want you to bring to mind a situation that has stirred up stress or anxiety or
overwhelm recently. It doesn't have to be the biggest one,
just something mild or moderate, that has caused you some distress. Maybe it's an
upcoming meeting that you have. Or one that you had last week. Maybe it's a
conversation you've been dreading or one that didn't go so well.
Maybe it's something you saw on social media that stung or hurt or caused a mental
loop. Maybe you noticed your friends were getting together and didn't include you.
As you called to mind that situation, see if you can locate where that anxiety or
stress or tension lives in your body is
it in your chest your stomach your throat is it up in your mind you don't have to
change or fix it just notice it.
Now, as you notice this feeling, imagine that it belongs to a part of you.
A younger, hardworking part of your soul that carries anxiety on your behalf.
This anxious or overwhelmed part of you has likely been with you for a long time.
You might even picture it as a younger version of yourself, tugging at your sleeve
saying, please pay attention. I need you.
Take a moment and notice that part of your soul. How old is she?
What does she look like?
Let her know you see her, that you're with her, that you recognize she's there.
And notice how this part of you responds to your presence. Is their relief,
resistance,
tears.
Whatever you notice, just stay with this place in your soul that needs your care.
As you're connecting with this part of your soul, ask yourself this question.
What are you afraid would happen if this part of you didn't work so hard to keep
you on alert?
This part of you is there for reason. She's holding all that anxious energy to try
to help what does she fear would happen if she stepped back or softened just a
little bit
listen for whatever comes whatever you notice maybe this part of you is afraid
you'll be rejected Maybe it fears you'll fail.
Maybe it's terrified. You'll lose control. Or that someone will be hurt or
disappointed.
You don't have to solve anything. Just notice the fear behind all this anxious
energy. Listen to this part of your own soul as if you're...
for working so hard on my behalf.
Thank you so hard for working to keep me safe.
Notice what happens inside as you honor this hardworking part of your soul,
the one working so hard to try to keep you safe.
And now I want you to imagine inviting God.
or the face of Jesus, full of kindness, right there with you and this anxious part
of you. Not trying to fix you just with you,
present to you, connected to you. You might simply sense the presence of love.
Invite God to be near this anxious part of you.
And notice how this part of you responds to God's presence.
Is this part of you open to God's presence, or does it hesitate?
If you notice any reluctance or hesitance, that's okay. Some parts of us haven't yet
learned to fully put our trust in God. It's great to become aware of that.
And if you notice that, ask the part of you what it's afraid might happen If God
were to come closer, sometimes parts of us fear God's presence or don't trust that
God will accept us as we are.
Remember, God is never in a hurry. God's presence is patient and tender and kind
As you imagine what it's like to have God draw near,
notice what this anxious part needs from God.
Maybe it needs reassurance. You're not alone in this. Maybe it needs rest to lay
down the heavy burdens this part of you's been carrying.
Maybe it needs to know it's not responsible for holding everything together that this
part of you can let the ceiling fall.
Just notice what reassurances this part of you needs. You might picture God speaking
gently to this anxious part of you. my beloved child,
I see how hard you're working. You don't have to do this alone. You are safe in
my care.
Let those words wash over, this anxious place within your soul.
Let them sink deep into this place where anxiety lives within your body.
Now, take another deep breath and notice what it feels like for this anxious part
of you to be seen, not only by you, but by God.
Is there any small shift you notice any
sense of peace?
with kindness, with care, and with compassion.
Just rest a few more moments in this place of connection, where you're with yourself
and with the God who loves every part of you.
Ask God to help you remember to connect with this anxious part of you with
compassion to help you care for this part of your own soul gently the way you care
for so many other people.
When you're ready,
slowly bring your awareness back to the room.
This practice of noticing what's happening inside of you is an evidenced -based form
of mindfulness. It's also crucial not only to your mental health, as we'll learn in
upcoming episodes, but also to our spiritual health.
that's what we want from other people. So often we just want their presence with
us. More than we need their words of advice or their analysis, right, is we just
need their love, their steady presence with us, saying, I see that you're anxious
and I'm here with you. This is what we're doing with this part of our souls.
Instead of fixing and analyzing, we're saying, I get it. You're anxious. You're
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his mind, his longings, all turning toward God in connection.
It's whole being, whole soul, whole body, connection with God.
So you might think of this practice as connecting with God from your soul instead
of just your head. You're connecting with God with all of who you are. So often,
even when it's well -intended prayer, can keep us in our heads. We come to God with
words, ideas, or requests. Sometimes we even come to God with analysis. And there's
nothing wrong with that kind of prayer. But this is a different kind of prayer. A
whole body connectedness where our whole being enters into the presence of God.
God meets us in the places that are still hurting, that haven't been fixed, that
don't want analysis that don't need more advice, that don't need more solutions that
just need loving presence. Analysis and insight and head knowledge are great,
but they only take us so far. Soul -based connection is different. It's slowing down
long enough to bring your whole self, your thoughts, your emotions, your body, your
nervous system into God's presence. It's not about saying the right words.
It's about making space for God to meet you in what's real and what's happening
right now. When you connect with God from your whole soul, you move from talking
about God or even talking at God to being with God. You begin to experience what
the psalmist describes when they say, be still and know that am God,
right? That kind of knowing doesn't come from your head. It comes from that deep
inner place where your spirit and God's spirit meet in perfect connection in the way
that we were meant to walk with God and the way that we were created to walk with
God in the beginning where connection came easy before things got broken.
You get a glimpse of what that deep walking with being with God's soda soul really
feels like and God's presence brings that calm not just to your mind but to your
entire being and maybe your problems don't get solved in that moment right but you
get a glimpse of what that connection feels like the kind of connection,
that kind of partnership with God for which we were created is a glimpse not only
of the beginning in Eden, but a glimpse of where we're headed again,
a glimpse of heaven where we walk in harmony with God no matter what we're feeling.
God loves to bring his loving presence to be with us.
When you learn to attune to the anxious, overwhelmed places in your soul,
not just from your head, but from your whole being, you start to experience the
kind of peace Jesus showed us, the kind of peace Paul talked about,
the peace that doesn't depend on our circumstances.
out of a soul that is anchored in God's loving presence.
You learn to be with what is real and you learn to trust that God is with you
right here, right now, no matter what you're going through. That's why this practice
matters. You're not trying to make anxiety or stress or overwhelm disappear as if we
could on this side of heaven. You're learning to meet it differently. You're creating
space for love to enter the very place where fear lives inside your soul.
Anxiety. My friends, my listeners, my watchers, my fellow soul menders.
As we consider this upcoming holiday season, remember this anxiety,
overwhelm, grief, stress, these things don't mean you're failing.
These are invitations to connect more lovingly to this beautiful soul God has made.
It doesn't mean you're failing. It means there's a part of you longing for safety
and connection. Over time, as you tend to these parts of your soul,
you'll begin to notice a subtle shift. you'll notice less fear, less anxiety,
less reactivity, more grounded presence. And when the anxiety shows up again,
as it surely will, you'll know what to do. You can pause, you can breathe,
and you can say, I see you here, old friend, you're welcome here. God is with us
here too. This is the beginning of change.
It's not the absence of anxiety, but the presence of love in the middle of it.
The goal isn't to get rid of the anxiety. The goal is to change your relationship
to it. That's what this practice helps you do. You learn to meet anxiety and
overwhelm and stress, not with fear or shame or more criticism, but with compassion
and the power of God's loving presence. As you move through these next few weeks,
I hope you'll return to this practice. Whenever you notice anxiety or fear or
overwhelm start to rise, you can return to this exercise and we'll walk through it
together. I know I'll be doing it multiple times. Offer yourself compassionate
connection.
Find those on my website at Dr. Allisoncook .com. That's Allison with 1L .cook .com.
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remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God, you heal others,
and you stay true to your God -given self.