Finding Your Way Back to Peace This Holiday Season
Episode Notes
If the holidays bring up a lot for you, old roles, old emotions, or the pressure to keep everyone happy, you’re not alone. Christmas has a way of activating the patterns and survival strategies that once helped you feel safe, pleasing, perfecting, over-functioning, or shutting down.
In this episode, Dr. Alison Cook shares how these patterns show up in her own life, why they resurface, and how you can gently find your way back to peace. You’ll learn:
- the three types of needs that get tangled inside
- why holiday dynamics awaken old wounds and responses
- a simple way to return to the place of peace at your center
- how to redefine “success” this holiday season
This Christmas, gift a loved one (or yourself!) Dr Alison’s latest book, The Best of You!
📥 Grab your 3 free Boundaries For Your Soul resources here
📥 Download Alison’s free printable with the five boundary tools when you sign up for her weekly email.
If you liked this episode, you’ll love:
Episode 131: Navigating Holiday Emotions
Episode 135: Tackling Holiday People Pleasing
📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here
💬 Got a question? Call 307-429-2525 and leave a message for a future episode.
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Please hear me say this clearly. Nothing is wrong with you. Truly, this time of
year simply shines a brighter light on the inner world you carry every day.
You don't need a long quiet time or a perfectly structured ritual or long hours to
come back to center. Most days, all you need is two minutes. This is one of the
most beautiful truths of the spiritual life of Christmas. God doesn't meet us in the
performance of the season, not in the perfect gathering, or the perfectly managed
emotions, or the beautiful candlelit room. God meets us in the center of the storm
within ourselves, in the place inside where you can finally exhale and simply draw
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Hey, everyone. And welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You. We are
quickly approaching Christmas. And I know so many of you, if you're anything like
me, are feeling the swirl of this season. The beauty, the charm. Yes,
but also the pressure, the weight sometimes of expectations and the emotional
complexity that tends to rise to the surface in December. This is the time of year
when we're told to slow down and savor the moment, and yet for so many of us,
our hearts feel anything but settled. Maybe you're feeling polled between family needs
or old dynamics that still tug at you the moment you walk through a familiar
doorway. Maybe you're carrying the invisible labor of making things feel magical for
everybody else, or you might be navigating loneliness, grief, or the quiet ache of
feeling misunderstood. And then there's the internal pressure,
that little voice that says you should be more present, more grateful, more joyful,
it's more spiritual. It can be a lot. And our hearts can end up feeling stretched
thin and pulled in every direction at once. Today,
I want to offer you something gentle. A simple, grounded practice that you can
return to any time you feel the swirl inside you start to rise, a way of gathering
all those scattered pieces of your heart and soul, and returning to a deeper
presence within, the presence of love that is with you even here.
As we settle in, I want to name something I see so often this time of year.
In my clients, in my listeners, and also, most definitely also in myself. It's what
I call the intertangle. You know that feeling when everything inside you starts
firing at once? Overwhelm creeps in. Your mind starts spinning. Your body feels
tight. And suddenly, the simplest things, a comment from a family member, a change
in plans, a moment of silence feels strangely amplified. For many of us,
Christmas doesn't just bring external busyness. It also stirs up the deeper layers of
our inner world. Old wounds can resurface moments when you felt left out,
unseen, responsible for holding everyone else together from long ago, long before the
current moment. Memories you didn't even know were still tucked inside you can
suddenly feel close to the surface and the different parts of your soul, they start
working in overtime. Maybe your inner pleaser jumps to attention.
Just keep everybody happy. Don't rock the boat. Or your inner perfectionist begins
tightening up the reins. Make it special. Don't miss a detail. It's all on you to
make it perfect for everyone. Maybe there's a lonely one inside of you who feels
the quiet ache of not being truly known, even when you're surrounded by people you
love, or a tired one who has simply carried too much for too long and feels like
she's running on fumes. These different parts of your soul aren't problems.
They're ancient feelings. Often they go all the way back to survival strategies you
learned in childhood long ago that come to the surface in seasons of stress and
also seasons of joy and overwhelm like Christmas. These parts of you are trying to
help you feel safe, loved and connected. And the holidays have a way of lighting
them up because this season is so rooted in memory, in nostalgia, in expectation,
in longing. So if you're feeling that intertangle rise, if you're exhausted, stretched
thin or suddenly emotional, please hear me say this clearly. Nothing is wrong with
you. Truly, this time of years simply shines a brighter light on the inner world
you carry every day. It brings these inner parts of your soul to the surface.
It awakens old patterns that once kept you safe. It highlights the places inside you
that still long for tenderness, for reassurance, for rest.
The good news is those different activation points, those little flares inside become
invitations. Not to shame yourself, but to pay attention and to meet your own soul
with compassion to return gently to God's loving presence.
We'll move toward that together in just a moment, but first I want to anchor us in
a spiritual reframe. As we notice this intertangle at Christmas,
I want to bring us back to a grounding truth, one that has anchored people of
faith for thousands of years. It's the invitation from Psalm 4610. I love this
Psalm. Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am God.
Most of us hear those words and immediately think of kind of an external stillness,
quiet rooms, candles, soft music, a pause from the noise, something that feels out
of reach for many of us in a busy season. And while those things can help the
stillness, scripture speaks of is something so much deeper.
It's within our bodies. It's within our souls. It's a whole body stillness that
starts within. Stillness is not passivity.
It's not shutting down. It's not pretending. Everything is fine. Stillness is inner
spaciousness. It's the gentle, courageous act of turning inward,
of noticing what's swirling inside and making room for God to meet you there.
This is one of the most beautiful truths of the spiritual life of Christmas. God
doesn't meet us in the performance of this season, not in the perfect gathering or
the perfectly managed emotions or the beautiful candlelit room, although those things
are beautiful. It's not in trying to hold everyone else together, right? God meets
us in the center of the storm within ourselves, in the quiet core beneath all the
pressures in the place inside where you can finally exhale and simply draw near to
God. When scripture says be still, it's not commanding you to shut down your
emotions or silence the ache inside. It's inviting you to return to the truth deep
within that God is already here. God is already with you. God is already beside
you, ahead of you, before you, and within you through the power of his spirit. God
comes to the middle of the storm. So this is where we're headed.
We're going to practice what it means to come home to that inner place of love.
The place where your scattered parts of your soul can gather, where they can get
bandaged up and healed and touched by love itself,
where God holds you steady, where you remember that you are not alone in this
season or in any season. It's just a breath away. There's nothing you have to
force. There's nothing you have to make happen. We're simply making space for God to
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Before we move into the practice itself, I want to show you a simple visual that
captures what so many of us feel during December. I found this so helpful. I call
it the three circles of presence. If you're watching on video, I'm going to hold up
a whiteboard showing you what I'm describing, but if you're listening, you can just
picture three overlapping circles, like a Venn diagram. And circle one up here at
the top is the circle of what others want from me. And you could even make a list
if you draw your own, all the things you feel like others want or need from you.
Circle two becomes what I expect of myself, right? These are those inner pressures,
our inner expectations. You can make a list of those, the different ways we put
pressure on ourselves. And then circle three down here at the bottom is what my
soul actually needs for me, right? What my soul actually needs.
And then right here at the center, I'll take a little sharpy here and color this
in. Where they overlap is what I call this place of peace.
I'm going to write that here. This is the place of peace at the center.
Now, I want to walk you through what tends to happen during the holidays. Most of
us spend a lot of time right here in circle one, right? This is what others want
for me, right? The invitations, the expectations, the family dynamics, the emotional
and we want to have expectations of ourselves, this isn't all bad, but it's the
pressure you tend to put on your own shoulders, to be cheerful, to be happy, to be
present, to make it meaningful, to not disappoint anyone. This is where your inner
achiever, your inner perfectionist, or definitely your inner critic tends to take
over, right? If you don't hold this in balance, insisting you hold everything
together. But Rarely, so rarely, do we pause long enough to notice Circle 3?
And this is what my soul actually needs, right? This is the longing beneath these
other outer expectations, outer and inner expectations. It's the place inside where
parts of you feel tender, parts of you carry grief from the past or from the
present, where parts of you might be lonely or exhausted or overwhelmed or maybe
want to sense your own sense of wonder in this season, right? You have your own
memories you're tapping into, right? So this is often the part of us. We're not
connecting to enough. And here's the thing. Peace, again, is found in the overlap.
It's not in abandoning people, right, or dropping every responsibility. That wouldn't
make us who we are. We're not that kind of person. We do care about other people.
We do care about our own standards. But when we gently step back and also bring
into focus what our soul needs, what my soul actually needs from me,
from others, from the season, from God, right? What my soul actually also needs,
right? This isn't also
conversation right your spiritual life lives in that center space this is the space
where we have to get still for just a moment not to ignore the needs of other
people around us not to ignore the expectations we put on ourselves but to connect
to the deeper longings in our own souls right This is where God meets us at the
center of who we are. As you look at this visual or maybe draw it out for
yourself, I want to imagine yourself slowly, stepping out of the outer swirl of
Circle 1 for just a moment today while we're together and out of the inner pressure
of Circle 2 and join me for just a moment in Circle 3,
where you connect to your own deeper longings this season.
We're going to take just a few moments to move into an inner check -in together.
If you're able, if you're not driving a car, you can close your eyes. Let your
shoulders drop for just a moment. Maybe unclench your hands close your eyes and take
a slow breath in and a long steady exhale out and just right now while you're
listening ask yourself this question who's present in me most right now
Just notice which part of you comes forward.
You might notice the pleaser, working hard to keep everyone happy.
Maybe it's the perfectionist, tightening her grip.
Maybe it's a lonely one feeling a quiet ache beneath the surface or the tired one
who's carried too much for too long.
Just notice which part of you comes to the surface and
then gently ask whoever shows up, what are you afraid of right now?
Listen for even the faintest whisper.
Maybe she's afraid of disappointing someone. Maybe she fears being left out or
misunderstood.
Maybe she fears being alone or feeling invisible.
Maybe she's terrified of letting something drop.
Whatever comes, simply honor it.
Now, as this part of you,
what do you need?
It's not what you should need, not what others need.
But what does this part of you need from you in this moment?
Maybe it's just a deep breath.
Maybe it's a boundary. She's aching for you to set. Maybe it's a moment of
stillness each day for just a few minutes like this.
Maybe it's reassurance that you see her, that you're with her.
Maybe it's to be minded she doesn't have to carry the weight on her shoulders
and now picture god turning toward this part of you with warmth not critiquing not
correcting simply turning toward this part of your soul With compassion,
imagine God bending low,
meeting this young version of you at eye level,
calling her by name and saying, I see you, you are precious to me.
You don't have to hold this alone.
let this part of you rest for a moment in that presence
this is the beginning of returning to that center of peace,
not by forcing yourself to be calm, but by tending to what is true and real inside
of you and allowing love to meet you there.
Take one more deep breath, and when you're ready,
we'll gently move forward together.
I want to share a little story from my own life here because this intertangle we're
talking about is something I know really well. When my kids were younger, especially
in those early years, I would make myself absolutely crazy over the holidays.
And I didn't know then that it was younger parts of me stirring up, but I can see
it so clearly now. I wanted to knock it out of the park for everybody else. I
wanted to create magic and memories to please every member of the family to fill
everyone with delight. This well -intentioned part of me just took it as her job to
be the Christmas fairy, you know, just sprinkling magic Christmas everywhere. And
underneath, all of that effort was this deep pressure inside myself. This belief that
if I could just get it right, everyone would feel loved and I would finally feel
at peace. But the truth was I was completely disconnected from my own needs.
This pleaser part of me was really young. She had needs that I wasn't aware of,
but she was running the show and my achiever part was right there with her task
list and her clipboard, you know, gift after gift after gift, just redoing and
overdoing and doing more and just running on empty. And deep inside,
there was a part of me who longed for rest and for connection. And I didn't
realize then that that part of me could never get those needs met through all that
effort out here. That that part of me needed God's love and needed me too,
right? That part of me also needed love this Christmas season.
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And here's what would inevitably happen by the time Christmas finally arrived or
maybe the day after, I would be exhausted, bone tired, run down,
and in some cases I'd get irritable or I'd completely shut down, right? I'd poured
everything out and there was nothing left and that didn't serve anyone. It didn't
serve my family. That's not what they wanted. It was an exhausted parent running
around and it certainly didn't serve me. Over time, year after year,
I had to learn how to find this place of peace we've been talking about, that
place in the center of the three circles. It included what others need, a desire to
please others at the holidays. That's a beautiful gift, right? When it's held in
balance with my own self -expectations, my own capacity, and also when held in
balance with what my soul actually needs underneath at all.
The shifts started small. I still remember the year it began to click for me. It
happened with gift buying. I realized one December that by the time I got to the
fifth or sixth present for the kids, those extra gifts weren't adding any real joy.
They weren't improving anything for anyone. They were coming from my pressure, not
their delight. My family, my kids were just as happy, maybe even happier with the
first one or two thoughtful gifts. Right? It seemed silly, but it was a huge moment
of reckoning. Like, I can just stop at a point. It was the part of me that was
overreaching that didn't need to do that. It wasn't pleasing anyone, least of all
myself. So I experimented with something new the next year. I stopped.
I set a boundary with a part of me who kept pushing for just one more. I thanked
her for wanting to create meaningful memories and then I gently told her, we're
good. We've done enough. Let's rest. And you know what happened?
Everyone was still happy. The joy was still there Christmas morning. And for the
first time in years, I had a little gas left in the tank. I was present. And that
small shift opened up a door for me. Over the next few years, I started applying
the same mindset to other places to my schedule, saying no to things that looked
lovely, but would ultimately drain me. I said no to some of my own expectations,
letting go of the image of the perfect Christmas, which, spoiler alert, when you let
go of that, you tend to find it in unexpected places. And to my inner soul,
listening for what each part of me needed instead of letting them run on autopilot.
And slowly, steadily, I began to discover that inner place of peace,
not by doing more, not by performing harder, but by coming home to what my soul
actually needs. And I share that story because I want you to know you are not
alone in this. This work takes time. It's a practice and every small step toward
that inner place of peace matters. It matters for you.
It matters for the people you love. And it's the place where God loves to meet us,
which is after all the whole point of Christmas, right? It's God coming into the
mess and meeting us right where we are. So as you hear my story and engage with
your own soul, I want to turn this toward your life, toward the real moments you're
walking through this December, right, as we head into Christmas. Because here's the
truth. You don't need a long, quiet time or a perfectly structured ritual or long
hours to come back to center. Most days, all you need is two minutes of awareness.
I call this the two -minute return to center. It's based in mindfulness, which is
based on the episode I did with Dr. Judd Brewer in last week's episode. So if you
want the deep dive, go back and listen to that conversation. It was such a powerful
conversation. But this is the simple three -step version. It's simple. It's repeatable
and it breaks the cycle of overwhelm right in the moment. You can practice this
every day or any time you feel overwhelmed, chaotic, or just notice one of those
parts of you that we tapped into earlier today. Here's how it works. Step one,
you just pause. Take a deep breath. If it helps place a hand on your heart or
your stomach, just enough to signal to your soul. I'm here.
I'm listening. Right? It's that simple. Step two, name the part of you that you
notice. I see a part of me that's worried, that's bracing,
that's lonely, that's overfunctioning, that's tired.
Whatever rises, name it. Naming brings compassion and differentiation into the room.
You're becoming mindful of what's happening in your own soul. You're getting into
that third circle, right? That third circle of what my soul actually needs.
And then step three, I want you to bless this part of you. Offer a simple
kindness. It makes sense that you're here. I get it.
You've worked hard. You're not alone. God is here,
too. As part of step three, you might invite God into this place in your soul.
God, meet me right here. Not to fix, not to change,
but just to be with. Right. This is the opposite of inner pressure. It's inner
welcome. Right. It's welcoming Christ right there into that place in your own soul.
Just those three steps. Pause. Take a breath. Place a hand somewhere over where you
sense that inner voice, right? Name what you notice.
Give it a name. And then three, welcome with a blessing. I bless you, tiredness.
It's understandable that you're here. You're welcome at the table of my soul. I
bless you, you inner overworker. Right. I get your good intentions.
Right. You're welcome at the table. I don't want you to take over, but you get a
place in my soul. And then as you take that breath, right, as you take that pause,
you might just check in with yourself. What's one thing I need today? Maybe it's
just a deep breath. Maybe it's to untense my shoulders. Maybe it's to take a short
walk, right? It doesn't have to be fancy or a lot, but you're just trying to
interrupt that loop in your soul. This simple practice can shift the entire tone of
your day. It brings you out of autopilot, out of old patterns, out of those loops,
and back into a grounded presence where God meets you, right in the middle of what
you're feeling. Here's what I want you to remember. Peace this season will not look
like perfection. It will look like presence, small,
grounded moments. It might look like saying a gentle no to something that stretches
you too thin, like leaving a gathering just a few minutes early without guilt,
like taking three slow breaths before responding,
like stepping into a bathroom or a hallway for just a few minutes to re -center and
listen to your own soul. It might mean letting go of the idea of perfection or
perfect memories and instead looking for what is because what is is is good and
beautiful. It might mean allowing a place for grief or loneliness to sit at the
table of your soul. It might mean honoring your limits without apologizing,
offering compassion to yourself, to others, instead of performance.
Peace is so much less like those flawless holiday photos. It's more like a steady
inner exhale. It's the quiet confidence that you don't have to run ragged to be
loved.
finds you. You are not alone. I promise you there is a place inside of you where
God is already waiting to greet you to welcome every single part of your soul with
love. Thank you for joining me for this episode of The Best of You Be sure to
check out the show notes for any resources and links mentioned in the show. You can
find those on my website at dr. Allison cook .com. That's Allison with one L .cook
.com. Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that you don't miss
an episode. And I'd love it if you'd go ahead and leave a review. It helps so
much to get the word out. I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday.
And remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God, you heal
others, and you stay true to your God -given self.