Braving Change—3 Ways to Get Unstuck & Transform Guilt and Regret

We're tackling a topic that continues to strike a chord with so many of you: how to make a change when you're stuck between loyalty and growth, guilt and freedom, regret and redemption.

If you’ve ever struggled with a complicated relationship or wrestled with the quiet shame of feeling stuck, this episode is for you.

We explore:

The 3 brave paths you can take when a relationship feels hard.

A powerful story of a woman confronting regret.

How to distinguish between true guilt and false guilt

What "radical surrender" really means.

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Whether you're braving a big life change or feeling held back by old emotional patterns, I hope this episode gives you courage, clarity, and compassion.

📞 Plus, don’t forget to call 307-429-2525 to share your thoughts or a question for a future episode.

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If you liked this, you’ll love:

• ⁠Episode 140⁠: If You Struggle with Guilt and  Second-Guessing Yourself, This Will Set You Free – How to Stop Blaming  Yourself for Things That Aren’t Your Fault

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‍Thanks to our sponsors:

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Editing by Giulia Hjort

Sound engineering by Kelly Kramarik

Music by Andy Luiten

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While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍

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© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage or transcript without permission from the author.

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Transcript:

 Hey everyone, and welcome back to The Best of You podcast. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to give you just a quick reminder that we are inviting you to be part of a future episode.

We've opened up a phone line where you can call in and leave a voicemail with your thoughts, questions, and comments. You can share with me a question you'd love for me to address on an upcoming episode. You can share with me an area where you've been trying something new but feel stuck.

Or, I'd love for you to simply answer the following question: What is one area of your mental, emotional, or spiritual health where you'd like to grow right now?

Just call 307-429-2525 and leave a quick voicemail with your first name, where you're calling from, and your response. We've already started listening to some of your messages, and I can't wait to share more of your voices and thoughts and stories in future episodes.

And if something sparks your thoughts from this week's episode, it's a great place to capture it. Again, the number is 307-429-2525. I'd love to hear from you.

Now, for today's episode.

It's been exactly one year since I Shouldn't Feel This Way released into the world. And today I want to return to a chapter from the book that continues to speak to me and to so many of you who have reached out to me this past year. It's from Chapter Four—all about braving a new path. If you've ever found yourself stuck between guilt and growth, this one is for you.

I wanna start with the story of a woman named Priya.

I've changed her name, and the names and details of all the stories in this episode, to preserve confidentiality. But I wanted to share these stories with you because there's something in them for all of us.

I saw, years ago, Priya loved her mom. She was loyal to her mom. They'd been through a lot together, and in many ways, they'd been more like best friends than mother and daughter. When Priya was 13, her mom had finally left an abusive spouse and years of turmoil behind her.

Both mother and daughter had become inseparable. But as she had become an adult, Priya had noticed that her mom's love had strings attached to it.

When she left home and started to forge her own life—especially including marrying and having kids of her own—her mom seemed to resent it.

As Priya and I began to meet, she explained to me the complicated feelings that she was feeling. She loved her mom. She admired her resilience. She was grateful for their relationship. On the other hand, she was really frustrated and angry about how controlling her mom had become.

She found herself hiding aspects of her life from her mom—even lying to her mom at times—to avoid conflict, because she just didn't know how to deal with her mom's criticism and passive aggression.

As Priya laid out all the different truth pieces of what she was feeling, a picture of a complex situation emerged. She loved her mom and felt loyal to her, and at the same time, her mom was exhibiting some problematic behaviors.

Priya was frustrated and angry with her mom, but instead of dealing with the situation, she was lying to avoid conflict.

Like many of us, she felt trapped between frustration on one side and loyalty on the other. She was grateful for her mom's good qualities.

She didn't think her mom was a bad person. But she also didn't like how her mom would try to control her through passive-aggressive remarks and criticism. She didn't like feeling guilty for having a life apart from her mom. And she also didn't like that she was lying about it.

As I worked with Priya, it struck me that so many of us find ourselves in situations like these—relationships that aren't bad enough to leave but aren't the healthy, vibrant relationships that we crave.

And this framework that I lay out in I Shouldn't Feel This Way addresses these kinds of complicated situations, where you name what's hard, frame your reality, and then brave a new path.

Priya's story resonates because so many of us have felt caught between what we've always done and what we suspect we might need to do.

The moment we start to name this divide—this dissonance inside our own souls—we're stepping onto a brave new path.

When it comes to braving complicated situations, I’ve found one of the most helpful frameworks to guide your next steps is to consider the following three options:

1. Fight for change.
2. Leave the relationship or the situation.
3. Suffer it wisely.

I want to unpack each one of those a little bit.

The first option is to fight for change. You might fight for something within yourself. For example, you might fight for improved mental or physical health, or better coping strategies.

You might fight for healthier boundaries. Or you might fight for a healthier relationship with someone else—a friend, a parent, a child, or spouse. You might fight for a job or for a dream. You might fight for justice in the world around you. You might fight for the health of your community.

Alternatively, through this process, you might determine that the best course of action is to leave something or someone behind. It may be that you need to leave behind a way of thinking, a habit, or a coping tactic that's not serving you anymore.

You might need to leave a relationship that's causing harm. It's simply not wise or sustainable to continue to give this person access to your soul. You might need to leave a job, a church, or a group.

Finally, in many cases, you'll choose the third option: to suffer wisely.

Now, when I share about this framework, this last one is the one that gets the most attention. Some people love when I lay out this option. Sometimes it's very activating for people. So I wanna make sure you understand what I mean by suffer wisely.

Sometimes it's the only choice you have.

For example, you might need to suffer a health condition or a painful medical diagnosis. You can't make it go away, but you can take brave steps each day to care for yourself.

You might have to suffer a job that you do not like but need. Or you might have to suffer a challenging relationship.

For example, maybe you have to co-parent with an ex who betrayed you. You can't remove yourself from the relationship entirely, but you can work to mitigate further injury.

There are also times when you deliberately choose a challenging path. You might decide to remain in a challenging situation for specific, clear reasons.

For example, you might choose to stay in a marriage or in a relationship that's hard but not bad enough to leave. You might not sever ties with an adult child who is mistreating you, even as you set boundaries to protect yourself. You might choose to care for ailing parents, even as you work to shield yourself from their criticism or constant guilt-tripping.

To brave the path of suffering, regardless of the cause, is a nuanced and complex decision.

It's a path we all face at various times in our lives. Suffering wisely is not passive. It requires wisdom, clarity, and intentionality. It requires healthy boundaries, self-care, and a skill psychologists call radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance does not mean you approve of a situation or believe that a certain behavior should continue.

Nor does it mean you're resigning yourself to misery or giving up. It's not martyring, nor is it pretending something isn't hard. Instead, it means equipping yourself to deal with a hard situation realistically—taking charge of what you can while releasing what's out of your control.

Whether you choose to fight for change, leave, or suffer wisely, you give yourself the gift of agency.

Healthy actions in any of these three paths flow from a place of self-awareness, inner conviction, and integrity. While you cannot remove all suffering, you can wisely brave your way through it—empowering yourself to navigate challenges with resilience and self-compassion.

As you think about your own complicated situation or relationship, which of these paths calls out to you?

Do you feel a nudge to fight for change?

Do you feel that quiet voice of it might be time to leave?

Or are you aware that this might be a situation that you have to suffer wisely, with intention?

Notice what you feel as you consider each of those three paths.

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As you brave a new path, no matter what you choose, do not be surprised if you notice guilt, regret, or even ambivalence as you move. It's so normal for these feelings to surface in the wake of challenging decisions, and it's so important, when you notice any of these emotions, that you pause to notice those feelings with compassion.

It's normal to feel these emotions after you make a hard decision.

For example, when you take steps to brave a new path, you might notice the voice of regret:Why didn't I figure this out sooner?Why did I waste all that time?Why didn't I know better before?

When you make a change, you often stir up old wounds that remind you of past mistakes or regrets. This is a normal part of growth. The trick is to honor the feelings of regret, even as you don't let them hinder the progress you are making.

My client, Ava, taught me a powerful lesson about regret in my early work as a therapist. By the age of 38, she had already weathered more than her fair share of storms. A pattern of abusive relationships, stemming from childhood traumas, had cast a shadow over much of her adult life. Two years prior to starting therapy with me, she'd managed to finally break free from the latest cycle of physical and emotional abuse.

She'd sworn off men, gotten a place to herself, and embarked on a journey of healing. In many ways, she was doing great, but she was also living in isolation. One day, as we sat in my office together, Ava told me that she had run into a childhood boyfriend.

His name was Tom. He was a kind-hearted guy who had loved her through her tumultuous teen years. They had dated briefly, but mostly he had been her best friend. Seeing him again years later stirred up a cauldron of emotions,

and she became filled with regret.

"Why was I so stupid?" she said to me, angry with herself. "He's such a great man now, and a wonderful husband and dad to someone else. Why did I walk away from him? That could have been my life."

As I listened to Ava, I fought against all the things I wanted to say to comfort her or to make the pain of regret go away.

Instead, I sat with her quietly, feeling that pain with her. After a few moments, I asked her a question that was formulating in my mind:"Ava, is it Tom himself you want, or are you longing for something he represents?"

She reflected for a moment.

"It's not Tom. I'm happy for him and the life he's found. I'm just so sad about the girl I was back then. The girl he saw in me. The girl I lost shortly after we broke up."

"And what was she like, Ava?" I asked.

"She was smart, good-hearted, full of life. She had dreams. So much promise and potential. And he saw that in me. He saw the woman I could have been."

"What if that woman he saw is you?" I asked. "What if she's still in there?"

She nodded thoughtfully and then said softly, "I want that to be true."

She told me later that something profound lifted from her that day. As she honored her regret, she'd bravely gotten herself out of a toxic pattern of relationships.

She was in a better place, but she was hesitant to brave the next leg of her journey.

She had wanted to open up to the possibility of healthy, loving partnership again, but some part of her was whispering, "It's too late for you."

When she faced regret head on and worked her way through it, she was able to reframe that old message. While she couldn't go back in time, she could brave a new life ahead.

She realized something incredibly powerful about the subtle nature of regret. She didn't regret that path not taken way back then. She regretted the person she hadn't become—and it was not too late for that.

I love this story because it reminds us that it's never too late—not for growth, not for courage, not for change.

As you consider the challenging situation you are in, is it possible that feelings of regret about the past are keeping you from braving a path forward into change?

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There's one more obstacle to braving a new path I want to discuss. The most ubiquitous obstacle most of my clients face when they start to brave a change is guilt. When you make a change that's wise for you, it often means disappointing someone else.

Guilt messages swoop in. If you're not careful, these messages will lure you back to that place of confusion and turmoil—right back to that place of confusion and turmoil, right back to where you started—that "I shouldn't feel this way" moment of beating yourself up instead of braving a new path.

And that's why it's so important to name guilt when you feel it, frame it accurately, so that it doesn't hold you back.

The bottom line is this: The presence of guilty feelings does not mean you have done something wrong. It might mean you've done something brave.

I want to pause here because this is such a powerful truth: The presence of guilt does not always mean you've done something wrong. It might mean you've done something brave.

Guilt is an emotion—not necessarily a direct message from God. Therefore, braving guilt involves getting curious about it, just as you would any other feeling, such as sadness, anger, or fear.

Guilt has important information for you, but it does not always have the full perspective. It is helpful to distinguish between true guilt and false guilt. The messages of true guilt show up after you've done something wrong.

You'll know it's true guilt if you can name the thing you did wrong:I yelled at my kids. I lied to a friend. I betrayed someone's trust. I shared their confidential information in a moment of gossip.

In these cases, true guilt brings conviction. It involves a clear prick of the conscience, followed by clarity about the offense.

You'll then need to determine your next braving steps. You'll work to change your own behaviors, and if it's appropriate, you can apologize or make amends.

On the other hand, the message of false guilt shows up when you haven't done anything wrong.

You'll know it's false guilt if you can't name an actual thing that you did wrong.

You might feel a vague sense of not measuring up to some impossible standard either you or someone else has set.

For example:I feel guilty that they feel disappointed. I feel guilty that I'm not available 24/7. I feel guilty that other people might be inconvenienced.

In the case of false guilt, you can tell yourself a thousand different ways that you shouldn't feel guilty, but you do. Guilt clings to you like a frightened child:What if I have done something wrong? What if I've hurt someone? What if I've made a mistake? What if they'll never forgive me?

The solution in this case isn't to try to shoo guilt away. It's to gently reframe guilt and give it a new name—one that more accurately describes what you're feeling.

The truth is that false guilt often protects you from facing other more vulnerable emotions, like sadness, fear, and even helplessness.

These emotions can be challenging to face:I'm sad that I'm disappointing my friend—I don't wish to.I'm worried I'm letting my kids down—I want to do right by them.I feel helpless that I can't improve this other person's situation.

Of course you don't want other people to feel disappointed or let down, or even inconvenienced. You don't want others to be hurting. But it's not helpful to tell yourself that these things are exclusively your responsibility.

When you experience false guilt, you essentially feel guilty for being human. You feel guilty that you are finite. You feel guilty that you're not omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.

In other words, you feel guilty that you're not God.

The good news is: You're not. You're finite. You're limited. You're human. We all are.

The antidote to guilt in this case is radical acceptance of your human limitations. It's what we mean by the word surrender.

***

When you surrender, you reframe your expectations of yourself:

Guilt says, I should be perfect.
Surrender says, I'm not perfect—and God is enough.

Guilt says, I should have done more.
Surrender says, I gave my best—and I have to trust God with the rest.

Guilt says, I'm letting people down.
Surrender says, I am limited—and God's grace is enough.

Do you see what I am getting at? The antidote to guilt is a radical acceptance of our dependence on God. It's choosing to bravely suffer the reality of our human limitations wisely.

God, I don't want to disappoint this other person. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want other people to suffer or hurt or be inconvenienced. And I have to be brave. I have to make decisions. I have to live within the limits of my own capacity—of my own humanity.

Braving radical acceptance and radical dependence on the One who actually holds all things together is the work of an active faith. It isn't shrugging your shoulders in the face of complex challenges and saying, "God is in control."

An act of faith means taking steps to change what you can change. It means taking responsibility for what is yours to own. It also means bravely surrendering to the reality that you are not ultimately in control.

There's a profound shift that happens when we surrender—when we glimpse the end of ourselves and reach the boundaries of our own capacity. A moment of surrender is quite possibly the bravest act there is.

It's not that challenges magically resolve themselves. It's that when we become aware of our own limitations, our own frailties, our own finitude—we discover that's where God loves to enter in.

It's where we stumble upon a deeper strength. Surrender does not mean passivity. It does not indicate a lack of effort. Nor is it giving up. You are doing everything in your power. Yet these problems are just so big at times.

In a moment of surrender, all that mental work comes grinding to a halt. You stop. You breathe. You release your grip. And in that moment, something clicks together. Our loving God, who has been there all along, breaks through a little bit. That divide between where you are and where God is disappears.

Your mind calms. Something inside your body shifts.

You take a break. Move your body. Call a friend. You let the tears flow freely. And sometimes, you just sob.

And then—you get back up. And with God's help, you take that next one brave step.

As we mark this one-year anniversary of I Shouldn't Feel This Way, I hope this excerpt reminds you that no matter what you're facing, there is a brave step you can take.

Your regret doesn't have to hold you back. It can become a redemptive signal. And your guilt doesn't have to be your enemy. Sometimes, it's just a sign that you're stepping onto unfamiliar—but sacred—ground.

If this episode speaks to you, I hope you'll share it with a friend.

Remember: You are already beloved. In light of that truth, what's your next one brave step?