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Psychology Buzzwords are back, only this time you picked the topics! This week we're focusing on the 4 Fear Responses, often called Survival Responses or Trauma Responses, with a special look at the Fawn Response.‍

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Here's what we cover:

1. What are 4 common fear responses?

2. What is the freeze response?

3. What is disassociation?

4. How are these responses helpful?

5. What is this Fawn Response?

6. What are the hidden fears underneath it?

7. Why doesn't talking myself out of a fear response work?

8. What *does* work to help me return to calm?

Resources

• Mindsight, by Dan Siegel, M.D.
• Try Softer, by Aundi Kolber
• More on healing from trauma and the 4 Fear Responses: The Best of You: Break Free From Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God, by Dr. Alison Cook
• Resources for support

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Key Quotes:

A lot of times, these traumatic events happen when we're children. We learn how to survive in a moment but that's all we ever learn. We never get to go through that process of letting all the terror, all the fear, all the scared, lonely anguish of, "I'm alone, no one is helping me. I don't know what to do" flow through in a healthy way.

If no one ever helped you heal, to return to that calm, centered place inside, all you've ever known is survival. All you've ever known is how to respond out of fear.

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Thanks to our sponsor Organifi -Go to www.organifi.com/bestofyou and use code BESTOFYOU for 20% off your order

While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.

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Transcript

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Alison: Hey, everyone. Welcome to this new series, Psychology Buzzwords Part Two Listeners' Choice Edition. So this time I'm going to cover the words you selected. 

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I ran a poll in my Instagram Stories last week, and you gave me so many great ideas. In fact, you've given me so many ideas that now I have my content scheduled, pretty much, for the rest of this year. 

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If you don't hear your favorite topic in this series, keep checking back. You asked some great questions and I'm going to get to all of them over the coming months. 

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So for this series, I'm going to focus on the top-five vote-getters. Starting with the four fear responses, especially the fawn response. 

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But before we get started, I want to remind you to sign up for my two-part August webinar series Five Toxic Behaviors, and How to Protect Yourself. The first one is August 11th. It's live with me via Zoom. I'm going to go deep into five toxic behaviors that we haven't yet discussed on the podcast. 

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These are important for everyone to know. They're behaviors that people often don't understand, and how can you protect yourself if you don't even understand what you're walking into? 

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I'm going to teach you how to detect what's happening and how to respond in a way that is strategic, effective, and practical. It's hard to engage toxicity when you haven't been taught how, but these are skills that you can learn. 

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This is one of my bonus gifts for you when you pre-order my new book, The Best of You. So go order the book now anywhere books are sold. Save your confirmation number. Then go over to my website, dralisoncook.com/book. That's dralisoncook.com/book, and sign up for the one-book deal. And you'll get entered into this two-part live webinar series in August, where I will answer your questions and you'll get practical strategies to address toxicity.

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You'll also get a whole bunch of other bonus items, including the first three chapters of the book. Now, I really appreciate, so much, how many of you are showing early support for The Best of You. It means so much to authors. And since I can't get the book to you until September 13th, this is my way of trying to get resources into your hands now.

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< Music >

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Today's topic was one of your most-requested topics, and I'm not surprised. It's a topic you're hearing about everywhere, and it's really important to understand. So what are these Four Fear Responses? And, especially, what is this fawn response? 

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Now, a lot of people call these trauma responses, anxiety responses, survival responses, stress responses. I like to call them fear responses because these are ways that our bodies have been wired to respond, in the face of danger. When you're confronted with any sort of danger outside of you. Whether it's a physical threat or an emotional threat, your body is equipped to respond to protect you. 

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Something happens outside of you that stirs up fear or stress on the inside of you. And this triggers your brain and your nervous system to respond, in one of four ways to protect you. It's actually a beautiful part of your God-given design.

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And the foremost common that we talk about, you've probably heard the most, are number one, the Fight/Flight response. And number two, the Freeze/Fawn response, those ones aren't talked about as much. We're going to touch a lot on that fawn response today.

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But here is an overview, when you sense danger your inner alert system kicks into high gear. Your heart rate quickens. Your palms might grow sweaty. Your body grows tense, as if it's positioned to fight or positioned to flee.

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If you tend toward fight you might get louder, physically act out, or run head first into the conflict. You feel the anger rise and you might lash out or engage. 

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If you tend toward flight, your body is still similarly activated, The blood is rushing to your muscles. Your heart rate quickens. But instead of running into the confrontation, you might run away, hide, or simply just avoid. Do everything you can to get away from what's happening.

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So in both of these fight/flight responses, your nervous system is activated. This is the same mechanism within your nervous system. You might even feel some of the same physiological things, such as the sweaty palms or the tense muscles. But instead of moving toward the conflict, which is fight, you run, as fast as you can, away from the threat. 

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Now for more on the neurobiology of what's, actually, happening in your body during this response, check out two books. 

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The first is Mindsight by Dr. Dan Siegel. 

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The second is Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.

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They go through the mechanisms of this, in the nervous system, in great detail. If you're interested in learning the neurobiology of this. But, in short, cortisol, courses through, which is the stress hormone. There's cortisol adrenaline that are coursing through your nervous system, and this is a good thing in a moment.

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If you are really in danger, if somebody is really threatening you, you want your nervous system to kick into high gear. You want that shot of adrenaline, to give you what you need to survive in that moment. 

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Now, the next fear response is called— The Freeze Response. The freeze response is really interesting in that it's when you shut down, altogether. And what is really happening is both your hyper arousal, your sympathetic nervous system and your parasympathetic nervous system, the one that causes you to rest or tone down. Both of those are activated at the same time, causing you to feel stuck, trapped. You might disconnect from the emotional cues in that moment.

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So a lot of times dissociation can occur when you freeze. You're frozen, you don't know what to do. You're immobilized. And, in many cases, you dissociate from the emotions, the anger, the anxiety, the feelings that you have in response to that threat. You sort of leave your body and don't even feel those things, you're just frozen or trapped in that moment.

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Now, dissociation is really an interesting survival response. Because, if you think about it, something really painful is happening to you or around you, and instead of feeling the appropriate emotions. 

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The terror, the anxiety, the rage, because you have nowhere to go with those emotions. You've lost control in that moment. You're in danger. And, so, something really interesting happens where you dissociate from those emotions. And if you think about it, this is how you survive that terrible thing. 

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You don't experience those emotions, instead, you freeze. Your whole system freezes, and that allows you to tolerate this awful, painful thing that's happening to you or in front of you without being overwhelmed by what you are feeling. 

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In the face of a real threat, these responses are adaptive. This fight/flight/freeze response, they allow you to survive in the moment. They're there for a reason. They help you cope in a moment of trauma. They're a way that God designed your body to allow you to survive. It's quite amazing, really, what our bodies can do.

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When you witness something terrifying, though, here is the thing: it's appropriate to feel a whole range of emotions, and these emotions need to be processed. These emotions need to be allowed to flow through you. The anger, the terror, the fear, and the grief, the rage, the pain. All of these emotions need to be able to flow through you after the traumatic event. 

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So in the moment of the traumatic event, these fear responses come in to help you survive, and that's good, that's helpful. That's a constructive thing in that moment. 

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But what happens is after the fact you need a process to heal. You need a process to help you let all of those emotions flow through you. So that you can return to that calm, clear, centered place inside. Where the best of you, the wise, discerning place, where the Holy Spirit lives.

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Dan Siegel calls it "The window of tolerance". I call it the best of you or the spirit-led self. That place inside, where you're operating from that homeostasis. That best part of who you are. That calm, clear, centered place inside, and you can't return to that place inside until you've processed what's happened. 

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So let's say you have a traumatic event. It might even be a medical event. And I remember when I had a medical crisis two years ago, that was terrifying, I write about it in my new book, it's when I had a stroke. 

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And I remember as I flowed through it. As I came out the other side and I realized I was going to be okay. My whole body was shaking, and I started crying, and I started laughing, and all of these emotions started to come out of me, and it was a bizarre experience. Because it was a whole bunch of emotions all at once.

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It was the terror. It was the relief of having survived. It was the fear, the grief of having something terrible happen that I didn't expect. It was the feeling of what it's like to be out of control, and then all of a sudden to realize you're okay.

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There's a lot of complicated emotions that have to be processed after a traumatic event. You need a process to heal. So these fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses are adaptive in a moment. They help you survive. 

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But you need a process, after the traumatic event, to help you get those emotions out of your body, to flow through your body. So you can reengage back into that calm, centered place inside. 

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And here is the problem, a lot of times, these traumatic events happened when we're children. And, so, we have that fear response. We have that survival response. We learn how to survive but that's all we ever learn. We never get to go through that process of letting all the terror, all the fear, all the scared, lonely anguish of, "I'm alone, no one is helping me. I don't know what to do."

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None of that gets witnessed. None of that gets healed. No one comes along side of you, to help you allow all of those emotions to flow through. And, so, you then feel what it feels like to return to a centered, calm place inside. 

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All you know is what it feels like to survive. All you know is what it feels like to bounce between a fight/flight/freeze or fawn, we're going to get into fawn response, where you experience a lot of hypervigilance. 

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You're always on alert. You're always on guard. Your body is tense. You might feel constantly irritable. You might feel a lot of shame. Because nobody ever taught you how to soothe your nervous system and how to come back to that centered place. 

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And, in order, to do that you have to reengage all those emotions that got trapped in that moment, and this is why it's so important to get help. And we'll walk through some steps to help you heal that, at the end of this episode. 

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But first I want to move into what is this Fawn response? 

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Now, this is the response that I see most often in my work with women and, especially, women who are raised in faith communities.

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And the reason is the fawn response appears like being nice. The fawn response is often affirmed, especially in faith communities. Let me give you an example. Let's say you're a child, and growing up in your home there was violence around you. Maybe your parents fought. Maybe your sibling and a parent fought. Maybe your sibling was cruel to you. Maybe a parent was cruel to you. 

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Any number of things can happen. You felt anxiety. You felt distressed. You felt fearful inside. You didn't know what to do. So instead of getting the care that you needed, nobody came alongside of you. You learned how to take care of everybody else. 

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You learned how to clean up after the mess your parents made after their fight. You learned to try to follow your older brother, your older sister around making them happy, so they wouldn't bully you. You learned to try to bend yourself over backwards to make your dad feel good, feel happy, so he wouldn't lose his temper. Do you see where I'm going? I know a lot of you relate to this. 

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It's a very common childhood way of coping with fear, with anxiety inside of us. When we're not getting our own needs met, "I'll take care of somebody else." Guess what happens? Guess what they say to you? "Oh, you're such a good girl."

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"Oh, thank you for helping me out."

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"Wow, what a nice kid."

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"Oh, wow, man, you're so helpful to me." You start to get this positive conditioning. “You're never a bother.” “You're never a problem.”

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You make yourself invisible. 

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You work overtime to make sure everyone around you is happy so that no one can hurt you, and you get that hit of love. You get that hit of connection. You get that hit of affirmation. And that feels like connection, it's not actually connection, it feels like the connection you desperately crave. 

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And, so, your nervous system, your body learns a powerful message. "If I can only make everybody else feel good, I can feel like I'm connected with them. I can feel like I matter, I can feel like I'm on the team. I can get the love, the attention, the care that I need."

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But here is the problem, you're not actually getting the care, the attention, the connection you need. You're betraying yourself. You're shoving aside your own actual needs, and it's not your fault, this is what you've been conditioned to do. 

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You're shoving aside your own actual needs, to make someone else feel okay. So that then they will affirm you. You learn how to get those needs met through shoving your actual needs aside, and it works. It works. It can keep you out of the fray. It can keep you from other people's anger. It can keep other people liking you.

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But here is the problem, you're not, actually, getting your needs met. And when you get conditioned to fawn, this is what it means to fawn, it's the fawn response. It's pleasing other people as an anxiety response, to deal with our own anxiety, our own fear, our own insecurities. We work overtime to make other people feel good, feel okay, like us, it's a survival response. 

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"I'll win you over then you can't hurt me."

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Think about it. Think about how often we do that. "If I can make you like me."

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"If I can be pleasing enough, kind enough, helpful enough, perform enough, produce enough, then you can never be mad at me."

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It's a very adaptive survival response. Here is the problem, if this is the only way you've learned to connect with other people, nobody is connecting to the real you. 

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You're not getting your real needs met. You're not showing up in your relationships as your true self. You're denying yourself, bypassing yourself, pushing yourself aside, bending yourself over backwards. Doing mental gymnastics to make sure other people are happy.

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But you wind up in relationships you don't really want. You wind up exhausted, burnout, lonely, and invisible. I call this the armor of invisibility in my new book. I write about this a lot in my new book, The Best of You— The Armor of Invisibility. It keeps you safe and it also keeps you invisible. 

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If no one ever helped you heal; if no one ever helped you return to that centered place inside, All you've ever known is survival. All you've ever known is fear. And, so, your nervous system is constantly being amped up. The first thing you've got to do is take a deep breath. This is in your body, your nervous system is firing. You can't conquer that with your mind, you've got to conquer that with your breaths. Slowing down. See if you can count to 10, just give yourself a pause. 

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Take that deep breath, when you feel that instinct, that impulse to fawn, in particular, is the one we're talking about right now. Take that deep breath. Take a step back, give yourself 24 hours if you can. 

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Give yourself as much time as you can to listen, "Wait, what's going on inside of me, am I scared?"

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"Am I afraid of losing their love?"

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"Am I afraid of their anger?" 

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"Am I afraid of rejection?" 

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"What's actually happening inside of me?"

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"Am I afraid of walking into this room full of people, what if they don't like me?" 

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"What if they hurt me, the way I've been hurt in the past?"

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"What if they don't see me?" 

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"What if who I am isn't enough?"

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These are the fears that are going on. That cause us to amp up the pleasing, performing, and producing. These are the fears that are going on. You got to be tender with those fears, and those fears aren't ready to bring into that room full of people or into that relationship, that challenging relationship.

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These fears need you. They need your presence. They need God's presence. They need the presence of a safe witness, maybe a friend, maybe you phone a friend. You pause, you take a minute. You ask yourself, "What is happening inside of me, am I afraid?"

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"What am I afraid of?"

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And then, "Who is safe?"

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"Who can I talk to, that's outside of this situation?"

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"I notice that when I walk into this room full of people at church, or at my kid's school, or at this party that I was invited to, or in my own family, I just go into overdrive. Trying to please everybody, and I exhaust myself, and I wear myself out. And I'm realizing that I'm terrified. I'm terrified to show up just as myself. I'm terrified about that."

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"People have been mean to me."

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"I've been rejected, I've been hurt."

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"My mom didn't love me."

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"I was bullied."

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"All I've learned is if I show up as my true self, I'm just going to get shoved aside or hurt, and that's terrifying to me." Name that to somebody. I want you to think about right now, who is someone who feels safe?

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And if you don't have someone get a counselor, get a spiritual director. Get a mentor and say, "I need someone to talk to because I got to change, I'm exhausting myself. I'm wearing myself out. My nervous system is fried from all this that I'm trying to do to please other people. And what I really need to learn to do is be seen in my own pain for a minute. Is to share what I'm afraid of, for a minute, with someone who's safe."

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And in the context of that safe relationship, you start to heal. Your nervous system starts to go, "Oh, wait a minute, this person sees me. This person accepts me. This is what it feels like to be real, and to be seen, and to be held and loved." And you feel a little bit stronger, and then you decide, "Okay, all right, I'm going to walk into this room full of people." 

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Or "I'm going to walk into this relationship."

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Or "I'm going to walk into this family gathering, and I'm just going to be quiet." Don't go for the biggest thing. Don't be like, "I'm going to just show them who I am."

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Just be like, "I'm going to practice this new muscle of just being quiet. Just not offering to fix everybody's problems. I'm just going to listen today."

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Start with baby steps. "I'm just going to listen today."

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"I'm going to see what that feels like."

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"What if I just show up quietly?"

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What if, when someone asks, "How are you doing?" Instead of immediately turning it on them, "I'm great. How are you?" Which is an anxiety response half the time. What if we say, "You know, I'm learning a lot right now. I'm in a process."

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You don't have to share all of your deepest, darkest secrets. But what if you just answered a little bit authentically, "I'm going through something right now, thanks for asking."

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"I'm working on some new skills, thanks for asking."

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"I'm a little nervous to be here today, thanks for asking."

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You don't have to, again, give them everything, but something authentic about you. "I'm tired, but I'm so glad to be here." You might say, at a family gathering, "I'm just in listening mode. I just enjoy listening to everybody."

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Again, you're giving yourself permission to just show up a little bit more authentically. This is how we begin to heal that fawn response. This is how we begin to heal those conditioned responses. 

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We, first of all, number one, we have to name them to ourselves, understand what's happening. "Oh, this is a fear response."

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"This is an anxiety response."

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Okay, "Let's just name that. Let's just get curious about that. Let's show ourselves compassion for that."

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Number two, how do I inhabit that just a little bit. To pause, to take a breath, when I feel it.

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Number three, who is someone's safe I can talk with about it. I can name it and try to understand what the fear is. What the wound is underneath that. 

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And then number four, arm yourself, equip yourself with some scripts. When you walk into that situation, where you're tempted to fawn. Where you're tempted to deploy this conditioning, practice small, tiny steps of authenticity.

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"I'm so glad to be here today. I don't have much to share." There's so many different ways you can just, quietly, be authentic. 

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Now, as you grow the muscle, you'll learn how to say what's really going on in a healthy way. But at first, just take a baby step of authenticity, baby steps, all right?

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So this is a little primer on the fawn response. I go into this so much more deeply in my new book, The Best of You, you can pre-order it now. And when you pre-order it now you will get access to this webinar, which goes into more of these buzzwords. And really what it goes into is more of the strategies for how to respond to other people. As we become more and more aware of our conditioning. 

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So go check that out dralisoncook.com/book. Thank you for being here today. I can't wait to see you next week for the next buzzword we're going to talk about in this series. Have a great week.

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Everyone, don't forget to notice what brings out the best of you.

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This week on the podcast, I'm answering 3 of your questions! All of these questions relate to dealing with our parents as adults:

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1. How do I cope with an internal critical voice that came from a parent?

2. What is the next step after recognizing that my parents were narcissistic?

3. Am I disrespecting my parents when I set boundaries with them as an adult?

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I discuss:

• What is an inner critic?
• How do we retrain an internal critical voice?
• What beliefs do we take in when raised by narcissistic parents?
• What is trauma-informed therapy?
• God's heart for healing
• Boundaries 101 principles as an adult with your parents

Stay tuned for next week's new series: Psychology Buzzwords Round 2 - Listener's Choice Edition

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Resources

• Boundaries for Your Soul, by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller (includes a 5-step process for retraining an inner critic)
• Trauma Informed Therapy
• Find an EMDR therapist
• Find an IFS therapist (Jenna Riemersma)
• More on inner critics and healing from trauma: Try Softer, by Aundi Kolber
• More on healing from trauma and boundaries: The Best of You: Break Free From Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God
• Resources for support

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Key Quotes:

It might feel hard at first to take that spotlight you've learned to shine on everyone around you and let it shine on you. But it's worth it. You are worth it.

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God is a God of healing. The word "save" that we see in Scripture means "to heal." God came to heal. And I believe that healing starts now.

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There's a new path you've got to walk down. You've walked down the path of helping everybody else, of being faithful to everybody else. It's time to go down your own path of healing.

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While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.

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Transcript

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Alison: Hey everyone. Welcome to today's special Q&A episode. I'm so excited to answer real-life questions from you. Thank you, for your patience with me while I figured out the technology. I hope to do more of these.

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Before we get started, I have a quick announcement. I am hosting a new two-part webinar called Five Toxic Behaviors and How to Respond to Protect Yourself.  So part one is on August 11th, it's live via Zoom. The recordings will be emailed to you. So if you can't attend live you'll still get them. This is one of my bonus resources for you when you pre-order my new book, The Best of You. 

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I've been busy working on a bunch of resources and webinars as part of this book launch campaign, and they really came out of your questions. Many of you asked me related to some of these buzzwords we did in our last series. 

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"How do you respond when you're dealing with situations like these?" You wanted to go deeper. 

So that's what we're going to do in this webinar. We'll go more into strategies. I'll identify more what these behaviors look like, how they show up, and how you can respond to protect yourself. 

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All right, here is today's first question.

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Kristin: Hi, my name is Kristin. I listen to your awesome podcast on Self-Love and how it can come from a critical upbringing. My question is how do you cope with the voice that still continues to be critical when you are trying to learn self-love? It seems as if, no matter what, I still hear my mother's voice as I am trying to learn to love myself. Thanks so much.

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Alison: Okay, Kristin, I am so glad you called in with this question. I imagine almost every listener can relate to what you're saying. We all have an inner critic. It's something most of us come by naturally. But when a parent criticized us over, and over, and over, it magnifies the volume and the tone of that inner critic exponentially. 

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So it's a really great question. I want to start by saying what is an inner critic? Well, do you ever notice thoughts like these running through your mind—

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"You should be better at this."

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"You should be more like they are."

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"You deserve this bad thing that's happened."

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"You'll never be as good as other people."

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"You'll never get it right?"

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"You can't do this."

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"They'll never accept you."

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These are just a few of the ways an inner critic shows up in our minds, and sometimes we're not even aware of it. Some of these messages operate beneath our conscious awareness. Here is the thing, you wouldn't say these things to your worst enemy. But, somehow, a voice inside your head has picked up a habit of beating you up in a way that you would never speak to another person. 

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Here is the thing, we all do it on some level. Some of us have extremely shaming inner critics that have been amplified by our parents, as in your case. Some of our inner critics are more subtle or maybe slightly less toxic. But everybody has this naysayer inside. 

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It often goes after our vulnerabilities. It picks up on our insecurities, maybe even our limitations, our struggles, and parades them in front of us in cruel and ultimately unproductive ways. Oftentimes these inner critics are adept at comparing us negatively to other people. 

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So what might surprise you is this, at its best an inner critic is trying to help. It thinks it's motivating you. It thinks that if it stops telling you all the ways you're messing up or how much better you could be doing, that you'd become mediocre, lazy, a failure, or unlovable. These inner critics are these really maladaptive ways that we learn to drive ourselves.

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So one of the things that you asked is, "How long should I cope with that voice?" And here's how I would reframe that you've already been coping with it. You've already, probably, been doing a masterful job of coping. 

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What if you could heal it? 

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What if you could train it? 

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Now that's a lofty goal, but I think it's a goal that we can reach. It may take a long time, but I think we can learn to train these inner critic voices inside our minds. It starts with this number one, Notice it. It's so great that you're aware of it, awareness is the first step toward change. Often, an inner critic shows up when we feel down on ourselves, defeated, or sad. If that happens, start to notice what are the messages going through your mind. 

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When you focus on that message, on that critical voice, you differentiate from it. Now, psychologists call this intrapsychic differentiation. It's differentiation inside of ourselves. Now, if you think about it, we all have to differentiate from other people. That's interpersonal differentiation. "That person is different from me."

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We realize, "Oh, their thought is not my thought."

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"Their belief doesn't have to be my belief."

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"Their feeling doesn't have to be my feeling."

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This is an incredibly tricky skill to learn, this idea of differentiating from another person. Especially if someone has played a very loud role in our lives, such as a parent or a spouse. But we also do this inside of ourselves. Intrapsychic or internal differentiation is when we differentiate from a thought that we're having. 

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It's so powerful because when we do it, we realize, "Oh, this is a thought I'm having. It's not, necessarily, true. It's not, necessarily, coming from the best of who I am. It's not, necessarily, representative of all of who I am. This is a thought that I'm experiencing." And when you differentiate from that thought you start to have power over it. 

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Instead of the thought operating subconsciously inside of you, outside of your conscious awareness. You're now bringing it into the light where you can examine it and decide how you want to try to retrain that thought. Whether or not you want to keep it, change it, or reject it. 

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So, for me, I often have a tenacious voice that kicks in when I'm feeling vulnerable. And it sounds something like this, "Why bother?" And it's linked, and I'll get into this, to a long tail memory back to childhood that no matter how hard you try things might not go your way. So it kind of has this tone of "Why bother?" 

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So I know, now, this voice. I know what it feels like. I know the thought, I know the message, and when I begin to notice it I then have a choice. It's still there, but then I get to choose how I want to respond to it. Whether or not I want to let it drive me or whether or not I can figure out how to reframe that message. 

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Is it true? 

‍

Is it helpful to me? 

‍

The thought no longer has to have control when we differentiate from it. Often these critical voices go way back. They have what I call a long tail back to childhood. It might go back to what your mom used to say to you or what a parent used to say to you. 

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"You can never do it well enough for me."

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"You'll never amount to anything."

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Sometimes they attach to messages about who we are, our identity. 

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"You're so bossy."

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"You talk back all the time."

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"You are so messy."

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Even, sometimes, the most well-intended parent can insert these messages into our minds, that we carry with us into adulthood. Now, as a child you think, "Well, they must be right, I must believe this. This is my mom, this is my parent, this has to be true."

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But when you get to the root of that message you, as an adult, get to decide—

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"Is this true?" 

‍

"Is this how I've come to experience myself?"

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"Why would my mom say those things to me?"

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"Was this perhaps more about her than it was about me?" 

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"What does that little girl, inside of me, need to hear?" Maybe she needs to hear, "What if you can get it right?"

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"What if you can do this hard thing?"

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"What if it's time to be brave?"

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"What if I can help you get the skills you need to do this thing you so long to do?"

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"What if you're not alone?"

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"What if I'll be with you?"

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"What if this quality is an asset not a liability?"

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You start to get a sense of what if this younger part of you, this younger version of you, need to hear that she didn't get, and you start to give her this message. You start to insert this new message into the narrative, and you retrain yourself to absorb a different message. 

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This goes a little bit to 2 Corinthians 10:5, where Paul talks about "Taking captive every thought." 

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This is a practice of compassion, primarily, it's a practice of curiosity. 

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"Where is this message coming from?"

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"Did someone tell me this?"

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"Is it true?"

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"Is this what God thinks?"

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"What do I really need to hear in this situation?"

‍

So this is really the topic of my book with Kimberly Miller, Boundaries for Your Soul, where we walk you through a five-step process of differentiating from thoughts and feeling. So that you can lead them from that place inside where the Holy Spirit lives inside of you. 

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You're leading yourself with wisdom and the steps go like this, it's kind of what we've already talked about. But number one is To Focus. You start to focus on that critical voice so that you can differentiate from it. You see it, you name it, you recognize it's only one part of who you are. 

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Second, you Befriend It, which means you get curious about it with compassion, get to know it. Where did it come from? Did it come from a parent? If it came from a parent that is really hard because parents have a lot of authority in our lives as young children. So you're trying to understand, with compassion, how you can work with this message that you've internalized so deeply inside. 

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Step three, you Invite God into the Process. With all the wisdom of God and of your Holy Spirit-led self, use your imagination. What does this part of you long to hear? And you might consider, "How would I parent my own child through this?"

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"What would I say to a friend or a child who is struggling with this?"

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"What messages would I want them to hear?" And then see if you can apply those messages to your own internal world. 

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And then number four is to Unburden. Because here's the thing, when someone tells you something, at a young age, you take on a burden and you believe that this thing is true. Because as a child that's what you're supposed to do. And, so, it's a process of helping yourself unburden the weight of that message. 

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And there can be some grief with that because you realize, "Oh, my goodness, this thing that was told to me, my whole life, isn't true. I was told I could never do that and it wasn't true."

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Or "I was told that this aspect of my personality is bad and it's not."

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And there can be some grief that comes with that process of unburdening. And then number five, you Integrate a newer, truer, more beautiful message into your internal world. Now, it's not going to take that inner critic away, altogether, but you will grow skills to retrain that inner critic. So that when it appears you're more quickly able to go, "Oh, wait a minute, there's that old voice, what's the new message that I, actually, need to absorb." 

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And you gently begin to set a boundary with that old critical message and replace it with a truer, more God-driven, more constructive, helpful message, instead. It's a process of retraining your mind. Great question. 

‍

Let's go to question number two.

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Corey: Hi Dr. Alison. My name is Corey from New Zealand. I use encourage and inspire on Instagram, usually. I'm wondering what now?

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What happens after we've discovered that both my parents were narcissistic?

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What happens now that my dad is, finally, blown it and forced me into counselling?

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What happens now that we know that I've never known anything other than trauma? I'm in my early 50s, I have no experience of not being traumatized?

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I have no experience of, actually, feeling totally connected with God. I am very faithful, very loyal, but I'm in this wasteland now. Trying to care for kids, trying to care for elderly parents on both sides, just like what now? I don't know how to word it better than that, what now?

‍

Alison: Corey, thank you for this question. I hear so much in that, what now? 

‍

That What Now? You've survived. 

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You've been caring for others, your kids, even your parents, you've been loyal, you've been faithful. And I love that some part of you is looking around going, what now? And I hear so much in that, "What now?" Sort of, is this all there is?

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Could there be more?

‍

If there is more, what is it? 

‍

I've done all this work to care for everybody else. Is it possible that there's something now for me? And I want to answer, with every fiber of my being, yes. What's next? It's your time to heal. And I know so many of you, listening, feel this way. You've coped, you've survived, you didn't get much coming in. You raised children of your own, and now you're looking around going, "What now?

And you genuinely don't know what it would look like to start taking steps to bravely heal your own soul, and claim your own life. And that's a path you've got to go down, it's a brave path. But I believe it's a path that God wants for you. 

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I believe that it's a path that God wants you to take because your soul, your wellbeing, your health, your life, matters, and it's never too late. It's never too late to start. In fact, I think we have to start now. We have to start now. I don't think we wait until the next life to start healing the parts of us that need our care, I think we start now. 

‍

So the fact that you're asking, "What now?" Is a beautiful trailhead, a beautiful cue to start going down the path of turning toward your own healing. This will be a process and I wouldn't do it alone, especially, when you've had significant trauma. Especially when you haven't been parented well.

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The first thing I would do is get a trauma-informed counselor. Now, what does that mean? Well, in episode four of this podcast, we talked about healing from trauma. And I use the metaphor of walking down a path. This idea of a trailhead, and your "What now" question, to me, feels like a trailhead. 

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It's a signpost of a trail to walk down and that trail is unknown. It's scary. It might even feel a little dangerous, and I want you to treat that with the reverence it deserves. You don't want to walk down that trail alone. You want a guide. You want someone to walk with you. You're going to unpack some things. 

‍

There are some wounds in your soul that need to be unpacked, need to be healed, and you want someone to walk you down that trail. To help you pace yourself through that process, and that's what a trauma-informed therapist understands how to do. 

‍

They're trained in evidence-based modalities, such as EMDR, IFS, I'll link to these in the show notes, that help you pace your body. Pace, your process of healing as you walk down that trail of healing. 

‍

So your job is to look at that signpost, see it as a trailhead and go, "Huh, there's a new path I've got to walk down now. It's a new one. I've walked down the path of helping everybody else, of being faithful to everybody else, it's time to go down my own path of healing."

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And it's okay to feel a little scared, a little uncertain, a little skeptical, a little confused about that. But I would find a guide, and I'll link to some ideas in the show notes. Because this is a process of going deeper into your own soul. 

‍

Where you carefully, delicately, gently, unearth some areas where you need a safe, loving, presence to help you begin to see parts of your story that were never told. That never got healed, that never had a witness, a loving presence to come alongside of you, and help you understand your own story, your own soul. And to tell those stories, we can't do it alone, we need someone to walk with us.

‍

Because you'll bump into some of the narratives. Again, to get back to the other question that get lodged in this soul, when we're raised by parents who are narcissistic, who don't parent us, who don't love us, parts of us pick up beliefs like—

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"I was never worth more."

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"No one could love me."

‍

"I'm invisible."

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"If I were worthy of love, why didn't anyone see me?"

‍

These are deep wounds that children pick up when they're raised in homes where they're not seen. Where they're neglected. Where they're not heard, and these wounds need a safe, loving presence, in order for them to begin to get the care that they need.

‍

So find a trauma-informed therapist who can help you walk that journey in a safe, contained way. That can help you peel back the layers slowly at the right pace. So that you can find the healing and freedom you deserve and that God made you to have. 

‍

Change takes time but you can learn. You could heal. We can heal parts of us that have been stuck in the past. It's amazing, our bodies are designed to heal. But don't do it alone, get the help that you need.

‍

So here are my tips for you— 

• It's not too late. 
• Pay attention to the trailhead- What now?
• Find someone to walk with you, find a trauma-informed therapist. 

‍

And then as you walk with that guide, you will become aware of the next steps that you need to take. It might feel hard, at first, to take that spotlight you've learned to shine on everyone around you, and let it shine on you, but it's worth it. You are worth it. 

‍

God is a God of healing. The word saved that we see in Scripture, sozo, is often means to heal. God came to heal, and I believe that healing starts now. Thank you so much for your question. I am praying for you and just so excited for all of you, who are embarking on this journey toward healing. 

‍

All right, question three, we're going to just touch on briefly. This is a question I'm going to read, it's from Sue and she transcribed her question instead of speaking it, here it is. 

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"Hi, Dr. Alison. I have a boundaries question. I'm getting some pushback from my parents. They're really upset with me because I won't let my sons spend the night with them at their house. I have some concerns about some questionable decisions they make that put my children's safety at risk. 

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I let them visit during the day, without supervision, but they can't stay overnight. My parents think I'm disrespecting them and their choices, I don't know what to do. Am I disrespecting my parents or do I have the right to decide what to do with my kids, and what I feel comfortable with?" 

‍

All right, Sue, great question. I'm sure there are many listeners who can relate. Yes, you are setting a very simple boundary. This is Boundaries 101. You do have the right to keep your own children safe, even when your parents don't like it. Your first responsibility is to your own children.

‍

You're not being disrespectful to your parents to state a clear boundary. You're not trying to change them. What you're trying to do, what I hear in your question is you're trying to say, "Here is what they choose to do, in response to their choice here is what I need to do."

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"Here is the decision I see you making and in response to that, here is the decision I will be making." That's a healthy boundary. That is your right, as a parent, you get to decide. Now they may not like it, so here are a couple of tips to help you communicate.

‍

Remember, you're not trying to punish them, control them, shame them, or change them, that's not your job. So be very clean on your side of the street. You just want to say very clearly, "Here is what I'm going to do for my kids." 

‍

Tell them the yes, that you're saying, "They can stay with you during the day. I love for them to spend time with you, but they're not allowed to stay at your house overnight, full stop." You don't know them an explanation.

‍

You are providing a way for your kids to see their grandparents within certain boundaries. They may not like it. They may talk back. They may try to get you to concede. Stand firm in your confidence, you're taking care of your own children. 

‍

It's not your job to change your parents. It's not your job to get them to agree, to get them to like it, to get them to understand. It's your job to make wise decisions on behalf of your children. All right, so a little boundaries talk there.

‍

Thank you so much for these questions and join me here next week, where we're going to do another round of psychology buzzwords Listeners Choice Edition. You guys gave me a whole bunch of great words and I can't wait to dive into them with you, see you soon. And in the meantime, make sure you're paying attention to what brings out the best of you.

Divorce is so rarely discussed yet it touches all of us—whether you've gone through a divorce or love someone who has. That’s why I’m so grateful that Eryn Eddy bravely went there with me today. This is such an honest conversation about the pain of divorce—and the compounded pain that comes afterward.

‍

She speaks with nuance & humility about the loneliness of a distant marriage, and how discovering the secrets that led to that distance didn’t come out until after she’d shouldered most of the blame. She is upfront about owning her own stuff, even as she *finally* realized it was not her job to own his.

‍

Before we dive in, I want to highlight 2 points:  

—If someone is telling you: “If you were more godly or if you were more loving, then HE wouldn’t do XYZ (porn, cheat, drink. . .)”  that’s called *blame shifting* and it’s toxic.  

—If your spouse is narcissistic, couples therapy likely won’t work. And it could end up hurting you.

‍

Here’s what we discuss in this episode:  

1. You can be loved well as a child and still bump up against toxicity in your adult relationships  

2. How doing all the “right things” didn’t work.  

3. How the pursuit of attention outside of marriage is often more subtle than we like to admit  

4. Why loneliness or pain in marriage is so hard to talk about  

5. How secrecy in marriage can lead to confusion and self-blame  

6. How Eryn learned to “date herself” and find validation apart from men  

7. Why it’s important to both own our mistakes *and* show compassion to ourselves for what we do when we are in pain  

8. How she learned to trust a new therapist after a bad experience

‍

Connect with Eryn on Instagram @eryneddy or @soworthloving

www.eryneddy.com  

www.soworthloving.com

‍

Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik

‍

If you struggle with body image or how to make wise decisions on behalf of what you *actually* want out of your life, please do not miss this episode. Christy Meeks provides such grounded, thoughtful, and focused insight into how she overcame the pain of weaponizing her body and learned to work with her body as a beautiful and unique gift. She is a wife, a mom of 5 children, and a body image coach.

‍

Here's what we cover:

1. How one painful moment in childhood changed the way she viewed her body for decades

2. The way exercise can be both a weapon and a superpower

3. How to find ways to physicalize emotional pain, so that it flows through our bodies

4. The pain of miscarriage

5. Why she decided to leave social media

6. How to translate self-awareness to action, so that we're living our lives with intention.

7. How true freedom comes from the inner conviction that you are living the life that is right for YOU.

‍

Key quotes:

I wanted to change so badly that it was worth it to have the discomfort of growing, especially if it meant being a healthier version of myself for my children. -Christy Meeks

Even though we become grown ups, we get stuck emotionally in the exact place where that painful thing happened. -Christy Meeks

‍

Question for Reflection:

How do you relate to your body?

‍

Resources

• Learn more about Christy here: @callmechristyjoy  
• Women, Food, and God, by Geneen Roth
• Episode 4: What Do I Need To Know About Trauma?
• Episode 6: Do I Really Have an Inner Child? What It Means to Reparent Yourself
• Resources for support

This episode is a gold mine of rich, hopeful nuggets for anyone who has struggled to overcome limiting beliefs. My guest, Mary Marantz, is so gentle and thoughtful and wise as she reflects on the challenges of her childhood and the life she went on to create. It's a beautiful tribute to the power of "both-and."

‍

We discuss these topics and more:

1. Different types of poverty

2. How the messages our parents give us and the desires of our own hearts can create painful inner conflict

3. The limiting beliefs we pick up without even realizing it-and how to break free from them

4. How to honor a parent while also disagreeing with them

5. The 10 scripts we all have to confront in our minds

6. The temptation-and the danger-of being the woman who always come through

‍

Key takeaways:

You can become aware of the scripts in your mind that may be limiting your potential.

What happened to you is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to get healed and to not continue to put that on other people. -Mary Marantz

‍

Question for Reflection:

Which of the 10 scripts Mary mentioned resonated with you the most?

‍

Resources

• Take Mary's quiz at www.marymarantz.com/quiz or connect with her on Instagram: @marymarantz  
• Check out Mary's books: Dirt and Slow Growth Equals Strong Roots
• Dirt Book Trailer Video
• Rotary Ambassador Scholarships
• Enneagram
• Dear Younger Me by Mercy Me
• Resources for support

Suppressing your emotions doesn't work. It's okay to not hide behind your smile. This conversation is an absolute gift. Bianca is a powerhouse of wisdom who talks honestly about the hidden pain that both motivated her and almost got the best of her. She shares about the moment she passed out on her dorm room floor from carrying so much hidden pain-and how she began to face the fears that drove her. You do not want to miss her encouragement for listeners with mother or father wounds and the commitment she made to herself to "die empty."

‍

We discuss these topics and more:

1. Will I struggle with feeling pain forever?

2. Why trying to "just be happy" doesn't work.

3. How her first trip to counseling was a bust

4. How fear can motivate us in both positive and negative ways

5. The burdens of generational trauma that can add to our pain

6. The pressure she put on herself to heal so she wouldn't pass on pain to her own children

7. How she learned to advocate for herself and "staffed" herself accordingly

‍

Key takeaways:

Hidden pain keeps you stuck in fear-based pressure and productivity.

Releasing that pain sets you free to be the confident, wholehearted woman God made.

‍

Question for Reflection:

What fear does [your name here] need to share with someone today?

‍

Resources

• Connect with Bianca at www.behindtheconfidentsmile.com or on Instagram: @biancancotton & @behindtheconfidentsmile
• Check out Bianca's latest book: Captivating Confidence: An 11-Step Guide to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Yourself and Own Your Inner Greatness
• For more on racial trauma, see Healing Racial Trauma, by Sheila Wise Rowe
• For more on managing overwhelming emotions, see Boundaries for Your Soul: How to Turn Your Overwhelminng Thoughts andd Feelings into Your Greatest Allies by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller
• Resources for support

We are launching a new series on the podcast this week: Real People Overcoming Real Problems.

‍

You do not want to miss this very first episode with author, speaker, podcaster, and new friend of mine, Ashley Abercrombie, who shares with me her story of overcoming addiction and learning to ask for help. Ashley speaks candidly about the pain in her life, how she tried to numb it, and the divide that nearly shattered her until she learned to ask for help. And do not miss the last part of this interview where Ashley talks about how she's been getting through a period of extended isolation and loneliness these past few years.

‍

Episode highlights:

1. The various big "T" and little "t" traumas that can lead to addiction and painful patterns of self-soothing.
2. Why carrying your pain silently doesn't work.
3. How Ashley finally found healing in safe community
4. Why failure is our friend
5. How to be helpful (and what's not helpful) to people who are struggling
6. The wisdom Ashley would give her 20-year-old self now.

‍

Key Take Aways:

"Integrity earns itself in time." -Ashley Abercrombie

"We should not have to lie to live." -Ashley Abercrombie

‍

Questions for Reflection:

Do you relate to feeling like you are living as two different people?

What is one step you can take to share what you are feeling with a safe person?

‍

Resources

• Connect with Ashley on Instagram‍
• Ashley's After Hours newsletter on Substack‍
• Books by Ashley:‍
  • Rise of the Truth Teller: Own Your Story, Tell It Like It Is, and Live with Holy Gumption
  • Love Is the Resistance: Learn to Disagree, Resolve the Conflicts You've Been Avoiding, and Create Real Change‍
• ‍Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend‍
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker‍
• Changes that Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud‍
• Safe People, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend‍
• The Soul of Shame, by Dr. Curt Thompson‍
• Resources for Support

The #1 question I get asked about is how to set boundaries. They are so important and so powerful, and yet they are so hard to set. We dive into the power of boundaries in this episode and I guide you through a real time exercise on taking that first step no matter what you are facing.

‍

Here's what we cover:

1. Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
2. What is the primary purpose of boundaries?
3. What 2 skills does boundary setting require?
4. What is the first step to setting boundaries?
5. What does the Bible have to say about boundaries?
6. An exercise to help you take a first step.

‍

Key Take Away:

Boundaries are not primarily about saying no to other people. Boundaries are first and foremost about safeguarding the heart, mind, soul, and body God has given you.

‍

Questions for Reflection:

• What is it you need to say yes to in your life?
• What are the good things you need to move toward?

‍

Resources

• ‍Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend‍
• Try Softer, by Aundi Kolber‍
• Boundaries for your soul , by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller‍
• Genesis 1 - God dividing day from night / land from sea‍
• Proverbs 4:23‍
• Resources for Support

‍

What is this "inner child" we see everywhere? Do I really have one? Is this just woo-woo psychology or is there science behind it?

‍

In today's podcast episode, we'll discuss this buzzword "inner child" and why it matters. We'll get into what it means to have an internal family, and the power of memory in shaping who you are.

‍

Here's what we'll discuss:

1. What is an inner child and do I really have one?

2. Is there any science behind it?

3. What is an internal family?

4. Who is the wise parent inside of you?

5. What does the Bible have to say about our inner child?

6. Enjoy A 10 minute guided reflection to help you connect to a young part of yourself

‍

Key Takeaway:

Like a wise parent, we can learn to parent the young parts of us. We can bring them to Jesus who invited the children always to come to him-without shame or judgment.

‍

Questions for reflection:

What is a part of you that frustrates or bothers you?

What might it be like to get curious about that part of you and its history?

‍

Resources

• ‍Inner Child Archetype, Carl Jung‍
• Mindsight, by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel
• ‍Boundaries for your Soul, by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller‍
• Introduction to Internal Family systems (IFS) by Richard C. Schwartz‍
• Inside Out Official Movie Trailer - Pixar‍
• Mark 10:13-16‍
• Resources for Getting Support