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Spiritually-based wisdom.

You've heard the word gaslighting, but what does it really mean?

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In this episode we'll discuss:

1. What is gaslighting?
2. What are some examples of it in real life?
3. Why do people do this?
4. What does the Bible have to say about gaslighting?
5. The #1 question I get from people who are dealing with a gaslighter
6. How do I protect myself with someone who gaslights?

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Questions for Reflection:

• Are there any relationships in your life where gaslighting is occurring?
• Who are the people you trust?
• Who are the people who help you move toward the best of who you are?
• Are there any areas in your life of dishonesty or deception?

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Key takeaways:

Less is more when communicating with someone who gaslights. Actions speak loudest. The more you get honest with yourself and with God, the more you detect honesty-or deception-in others.

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Escape quickly from the company of fools. They're a waste of your time, a waste of your words. -Proverbs 14:7

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Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces. -Proverbs 13:20

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Resources

• Gas Light, by Patrick Hamilton

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Scriptures Referenced

Proverbs 18:2-7

Proverbs 12:15

Proverbs 10:18

Isaiah 32:5-7

Proverbs 14:7

Proverbs 23:9

Proverbs 26:4-5

Galatians 6:7-8

Parable of the Prodigal Son Luke Chapter 15:11-31

Proverbs 29:11

Proverbs 13:20

John 8:44

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Transcript:

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Dr. Alison: Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Alison Cook, and I'm here to help you discover what brings out the best of you. This podcast is all about helping you break free from painful patterns, mend your past, and discover your true self in God. I'm so grateful you're here and I can't wait to get started, as we learn together how to become the best version of who we are with God's help.

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Hey everyone, it's Dr. Alison, and welcome back to The Best of You podcast. In this second episode, in our series, on psychology buzzwords, we're going to get right into the topic of gaslighting.

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So have you ever felt trapped in a web of somebody's words? If you have, you'll know exactly what we're going to talk about. No matter what you say, this person takes your words, spins them into something entirely new, and spits them out back on you.

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Okay, they use your words against you. To get you to doubt yourself or maybe even agree to do something or admit to something that doesn't feel quite right to you. You can't find your way out of this web. Because they're taking words that you've used, twisting them, and turning them against you. It's extremely disorienting and confusing, and it's extremely toxic. So this is gaslighting.

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Gaslighting is a form of manipulation. It's a form of psychological abuse, really. It's when someone uses lies and deception in order to manipulate you, and specifically, they're trying to make you question yourself.

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They're trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself, doubting your memory, doubting your own instincts, your perceptions, maybe even your belief about what you believe to be true.

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They're trying to get you to doubt yourself because they want you to stay dependent on them, they want you to stay insecure. So we're going to get into why someone might do this, and how you can counter it.

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But before we go there, I want to start off with where this word came from. It's a really interesting example and then I'll get into some examples of how I've seen this play out in the lives of my clients, in the lives of everyday people.

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So the word comes from a Play that was written in the 1930s. And in this Play there's a husband and a wife. And the husband methodically and knowingly uses these tactics to try to drive his wife crazy. It's really an extreme form. It's the most toxic form of gaslighting, but it's a great example of what it is.

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So this guy, basically, what he does, in their house, is every day he systematically starts dimming the lights, and they're called gas lights back then because they're fueled by gas. So he starts dimming the lights in the house and he also starts rummaging around in the attic making all this noise in the attic.

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But when his wife comes to him each day, asking him things like, "Why are the lights getting dimmer? Why does it seem like it's getting darker in the house?" Or, "why am I hearing these noises?"

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He denies it and says something to the effect of, "Well, I don't notice any difference, what's wrong with you? There's no noises, the lights aren't darker. There's something going on with you, I'm getting worried about you."

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Okay, he's intentionally doing these things and when she notices the reality, there is something actually happening. He both denies that reality and then he twists it to make her question her own sanity. This is an extreme example of really abusive, gaslighting.

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Again, as we discussed in episode one, On Narcissism, all of these behaviors lie on a spectrum. So this is a really extreme case where he's methodically and intentionally, over time, doing this to try to erode somebody's confidence in themselves. To erode somebody's sense of sanity. So here are some examples of how this might come out in everyday life. Because it's usually not quite that overt, it's usually a lot more subtle.

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But here's an example, let's say you go to your spouse, and you say, "Hey, I just wanted to remind you that I'm not going to be home tonight. Remember, you promised that you'd be available to help put the kids to bed." And it's just a reminder.

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And let's say they reply, "You never told me, you wouldn't be home tonight. You never said that." "Well, no, I'm pretty sure I did. I remember telling you and you replying that you will be home tonight, that you could help out. Don't you remember?"

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"No you didn't, I don't remember that. You're making that up, what's going on with you? Why would you do this? Why would you lie about something like that?"

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So in this conversation, you see the two key components of gaslighting, number one, they're lying. You did tell them. You did ask them to help out with the kids, in this instance, they agreed to it. So there's a lie at the baseline.

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They're saying, "You never told me this, this isn't happening. It's not true." When in fact, it did happen, you did ask them. And then number two, even worse, the gaslighting takes it one step further, they turn it on you.

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They try to make you feel like there's something wrong with you. They say things like, "You're making that up. You're crazy. You're not trusting me, you need help." So you're left feeling completely confused, bewildered, you might even doubt yourself, "Maybe I did forget to ask, maybe I'm not remembering that correctly. Oh, I'm sorry."

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You might even start apologizing, when in fact, you didn't do anything wrong. And all the while they're doing this as a way to protect themselves and to keep you on the hot seat, to keep you questioning yourself. So that they stay out of the fray so that they retain their own control and their own power.

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So gaslighting moves beyond just simple lies and deception, those are bad enough. It often starts with a lie, but it takes it one step further, it flips the narrative to put you on the defense. The person doing it is using this tactic to protect themselves and to control you.

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They might feel shame inside. They might feel defensive, because, maybe, you're calling them out, and maybe they forgot. But instead of taking responsibility for what's actually true for their own behaviors. They flip the narrative in an attempt to make you feel crazy, like the bad guy, like you're in the wrong.

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So why would somebody do this? Well, number one, they're trying to avoid their own feelings of shame, self-doubt, their own guilt. They're somebody who, again, as we discussed in episode one, they cannot tolerate these feelings within themselves.

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So maybe they did remember, maybe, all of a sudden, they realize, "Oh, I know that she did ask me to do that and I forgot." They feel terrible inside, they can't tolerate that, they can't go there.

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So they quickly cover that over with a lie and then flip it on you to make you feel crazy. They're getting you to question your experience to make themselves feel better. Some part of them needs to make you feel weak, crazy, doubting, yourself.

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Because somehow, that's a tactic they've picked up. It's a really toxic tactic that they've picked up to make themselves feel better. To avoid their own shame, their own vulnerability, and to keep themselves feeling like they're in charge like they're in command.

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They're avoiding their own feelings. They haven't done their own work. And as a result, they cannot come to you and say, "Oh, my gosh, I completely forgot. You did ask me to watch the kids tonight. I am so sorry, I made plans, I forgot, and I'm so sorry."

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That's what a healthy person does in that situation. They take ownership, they take responsibility, that would be an appropriate response. But someone who gaslights doesn't do that, they can't do that. So they picked up this strategy, instead of facing their own stuff, they flip it and turn it on you.

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All right, so, here are some examples of different types of gaslighting. So number one, this sort of accusatory, gaslighting. This sort of overt gaslighting that goes beyond somebody just getting defensive. They're not just defensive, they go on the offense, that's another way to put it.

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So let's say you find that your favorite shirt is stained or wrinkled, and it's clear that somebody wore it right. So maybe you go to your roommate about it, and your roommate did in fact, let's say borrow it without asking you.

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But instead of admitting that, they immediately go on the offense, "Why would you accuse me of that? Why would you say that? I wouldn't do that." But they did do it, so there's the lie. "I didn't do that." And then they accuse you, they go on offense, "What's wrong with you? Why would you accuse me of that?"

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Another example, is maybe your spouse has started drinking again, and you're noticing the signs. You're picking up the clues, and you go to them and ask, and say, "Hey, man, are you drinking again?" And they immediately again, deny, "No, I'm not drinking, you have trust issues, you're paranoid."

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So again, they're accusing you they're going on the offense to try to de-settle you, to try to get you off your game. To try to cover up their own lie.

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So some of these things at a very basic level, we're all tempted to do from time to time. It's a temptation for all of us to cover up our tracks, to tell a white lie when we're caught in a moment when we're caught at our worst. It's tempting, "No, I didn't take your keys, I didn't borrow your car, I didn't use your phone." When in fact, we did do those things.

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So I want to be clear, we all are tempted to do these things in a moment and you can recover from that. You can come back from that you can go to the person and say, "I'm so sorry, in that moment, I actually did borrow your shirt. I actually did lose the keys. I am sorry, in that moment, I'm sorry that A, I did it and B, I lied to you about it."

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This is the kind of things we want to teach our kids. How to take responsibility, how to take ownership. It's not that you can't mess up, you have to take ownership of it,

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But when you're gaslighting, you're taking it to another level. You're lying, which is bad enough, but then you're tightening it up by accusing the other person, by going on the offense, and it's really malicious. You're flipping it and some of their favorite scripts to use are things like, "You're paranoid, you're so nosy, you're jealous."

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They're projecting these things onto you, when maybe, in fact, you just had a really legitimate concern. No, "You're jealous, you're insecure, you're ruining this relationship, you have trust issues. You must not feel good about yourself that you would raise this concern about me." These are all some of the go-to phrases of the gaslighter.

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I just saw this recently on social media where somebody raised a really legitimate concern. And the person came back publicly and said, "You're just jealous." And I was like, "I don't actually think that person was jealous." So they're not only denying the accusation but flipping it on to that person.

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All right, there's another more subtle form that comes, that's still really toxic and it's when we emotionally gaslight somebody. It's when someone tries to talk you out of the experience of your pain.

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So let's say, for example, you confide in a friend, or maybe a small group that you're struggling a lot with feeling lonely. And the response that you hear in return is something like, "You're not lonely, what's wrong with you. Look at all the people you have in your life, that's just stupid. You're not lonely."

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So that's a subtle form of gaslighting. I mean, A, it's just insensitive, but B, that is a form of invalidating this reality of your experience that you've just shared in vulnerability.

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Now, remember, you have to take a look at the intent and the patterns of behavior over time. I mean, does this person mean well, but you just caught them in a bad moment or do they just lack basic, healthy communication skills? It's possible, okay, so you have to consider the whole picture of the person.

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We all can sometimes get caught up in a bad moment where we're not our best selves, and we say something that's really insensitive, and that isn't helpful.

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But again, the difference is that person can come back and say, "I am so sorry, I just completely invalidated you. I'm sorry, can we hit the reset button? Can we start over? Can you tell me about what you're trying to say? I'm listening now."

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So it's not that we can't make mistakes and I want to be clear about that. But if this is somebody who's constantly kind of questioning your experience, questioning and saying, "No, you don't really feel that way. You can't feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't feel angry. God doesn't want you to feel that way." That hurts and it really erodes your own sense of self, your own sense of-

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Well, wait a minute, I think, I really feel this way. I know, I really think I feel lonely and now I not only feel lonely, but I'm really confused and I'm really disoriented because you're telling me I shouldn't feel that way, all right. Don't feel that way. Okay, this is not a safe person. If they're consistently doing this, this is not a safe person for you to confide in.

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This can also happen in faith communities and I hate it that this is true, but I hear it all too often. Let's say you go to a pastor and you share, vulnerably, that you're feeling really uncomfortable with the way you're seeing certain things being done, and the way certain people are being treated.

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And the response that you hear in return is, "You have issues, you need to repent. You are slandering this community, this is a problem within you." And you're just shocked. You're like, "Wait a minute, like, "No, I'm seeing something bad. I'm seeing stuff that's going on here that isn't good, and I need to be able to talk to you about it."

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And instead, you're being told that you're bad, that you're wrong, that maybe you're even sinful, that you're sowing seeds of discord, that you're unrepentant. It's really, really toxic.

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The correct response would be something like, "Wow, it's hard for me to hear that, but I want to understand. It's going to be hard for me to hear this, but I really want to hear more. I want to hear your perspective."

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There's a way to respond to someone who is sharing vulnerably maybe even challenging a system vulnerably. "Tell me more." "I'd like to hear from you." "I'd like to understand." And then together, you chart a course forward.

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If someone is immediately coming at you with, "No, you're wrong. You're wrong. Your experience is invalid, I don't believe you. You're ruining this community. You're being toxic." And you genuinely know you're like, "Man, I am just trying to speak up honestly about what I see here." This is a form of gaslighting, it's really toxic.

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So I want to be clear, remember, people won't always have the perfect response in the moment. I mean, if you've shared a hard thing with your spouse, they might get angry and go on the offense. It happens to the best of us, they might get angry, get defensive, "Stop accusing me, stop blaming me."

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The difference between having a bad moment and being a gaslighter is the ability to come back to hit the reset button. To apologize to say, "I'm sorry, I did not hear you well in that moment. What I did and what I said was wrong, can we start over? I want to listen, I want to hear, I want to have that conversation with you." Somebody who's healthy can do that, that's what you need to look for.

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But someone who cannot do that, someone who consistently is flipping the script on you. Putting you on the defense, making you question yourself, making you feel crazy, making you feel confused, making you doubt yourself, big red flags, pay attention. You want to move away from those kinds of behaviors. These behaviors erode your sense of self over time.

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What's the impact? So the impact of gaslighting is, you start to doubt yourself, you start to question your own experience. You might even start to question your own sanity, in these worst-case scenarios.

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You start to wonder, "Can I trust myself? What is really true? I don't even know. Am I crazy? Am I seeing things completely wrong? Am I just too sensitive? Am I just too prideful or are my expectations too high?" You start to doubt yourself and this is what that person wants.

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They want to keep you on your toes, they want to keep you questioning yourself. Because the more you're questioning yourself, the less you're looking at them. The less you are going to actually see what needs to be seen, about what's really going on in this situation.

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They are trying to protect themselves, something is going on behind the scenes. You're not wrong and they don't want you to see it. So they're going to keep you spinning in your own mind. So that you don't actually get the strength to call out what's wrong and to move toward health.

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To hold them accountable if you can, and in some cases, you can't, we'll talk about that. But at the very least to separate out from that toxicity and move yourself toward health. I've seen really capable intelligent people start to lose their bearings when they're in a situation of constant gaslighting. This happens to everybody.

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It's really easy to get sucked into and it's really hard. When you've been consistently exposed to a parent, a partner, a pastor, a boss, a family member, a friend who's constantly using these tactics to get you to undermine yourself, to get you to doubt yourself.

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It's really, really hard to get your bearings back. So don't shame yourself if you've been lost or stuck in this web that it gaslighter creates.

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All right, so what does the Bible have to say about gaslighting? I find this really, really interesting. So I believe the Bible has a very specific word for the person who consistently engages in this strategy and that word is a fool.

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So we see this word fool over and over in the Bible. So I looked it up in the dictionary to see how this word is defined in the modern sense. So there's two components one, fools are unwise. Number two fools are deceptive. Interesting, unwise and deceptive.

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So let's clarify fools are not necessarily unintelligent, they're unwise, there's a big difference. Instead of relying on honesty, sincerity, and healthy vulnerability, to get what they need and want. A fool resorts to tricks, deception, and manipulation.

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They're con artists, they gaslight and, man, sometimes people are really good at it. They're really smart about it, they do this really well. And it's really insidious and it's really scary when they get really good at this.

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So again, fools are unwise and deceptive this is this combination. And the Bible has more warnings against foolishness than almost any other topic and I don't think we're talking about this enough.

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So here's some examples, primarily from the book of Proverbs. So Proverbs 18:2 "Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse. All they do is run off at the mouse." Proverbs 12:15, "Fools are headstrong and do what they like."

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Proverbs 10:18, "Liars secretly hoard hatred, and they are fools who openly spread slander." Proverbs 18:6, "The words of a fool starts fights." And then from Isaiah 32 "Fools leave a wake of wrecked lives and lies. They turn their backs on the hungry, on the homeless, ignoring those dying of thirst and in need on the streets."

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There's a self-centeredness about this gaslighting tactic, that gets back at what we discussed in episode one, on narcissism. This is somebody who is protecting this really fragile, fragile void inside.

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They are lacking the ability to look inside themselves, to heal their own shame, to heal their own sense of self, and to take responsibility for their own actions. So that they can also be responsible to other people.

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And, so, instead, they use these tactics of deception, and manipulation, and lies, to spin these webs to keep the focus off of their own poor behavior and their own actions.

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So in my own words, here's what the Bible says about Fools. Fools don't care about thoughtful dialogue. They're not interested in a back and forth a genuine exchange of ideas or a genuine exchange of feelings.

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Fools don't care about respecting you, or understanding you. Fools harbor bitterness and they're going to do anything they can to kind of keep the story, reinforcing their own bitterness. Fools are more interested in chaos than they are in clarity. They're reckless, and they don't care about those who are hurting, they don't care.

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So this leads us to the number one question I get from people who are dealing with a gaslighter. They always are asking me, "How can I get them to understand me? How can I make myself heard?"

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They're just or desperate, "To have my spouse hear me. To get my parent to understand me. To get the people in my church community to see what's going on, to see what I'm seeing, to see the reality of the situation?" And here's the answer to that question, they can't, they won't.

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The gaslighter will not try to understand you, they will not hear you. And this is so hard for people to understand when they're caught up with someone who gaslights them. Someone who consistently behaves in this manner is not interested in understanding you. They're not interested in actually hearing you.

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You think if I could just say it better, louder, more clearly, that they'll understand me, they won't. You're just giving them more ammunition for them to use against you because that's what they do.

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That's how they've learned to cope. That's the tactic that they've used and it's going to take them a lot of work, and a lot of counseling, and a lot of come-to-Jesus moments to change, and you may not be able to be the one to make that happen. So you've got to protect yourself.

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So what do you do? How do you respond when you're in a relationship with somebody like this? Well, the Bible also has a lot to say about how we interact with gaslighting fools.

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Number one, and this is counterintuitive, but it's really important, you limit your words and your interactions. So from Proverbs 14:7, "Escape quickly from the company of fools. They're a waste of your time, a waste of your words."

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Proverbs 23:9, "Do not speak to fools for they will scorn your prudent words." Proverbs 26:4, "Don't respond to the stupidity of a fool. You'll only look foolish yourself. Answer a fool in simple terms."

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And this good wisdom from the book of Proverbs, that is held up in psychology today. I see this all the time in my clinical practice. When you're dealing with someone who is like this, less is more.

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When it comes to communicating with someone who's consistently gaslighting you, you will not win a war of words. Remember, your words will just become more fodder for them to spit back out at you. To twist and to use against you.

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So you have to limit your communication, you have to extract yourself as best you can. You have to resist attempts to explain or to get them to understand you and this is painful, but it won't work.

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Your actions will speak the loudest. In fact, if you have to communicate with someone like this, if it's a parent, maybe it's a co-parenting situation, maybe it's a work colleague. I often tell people to write out scripts with bullet points and just stick to the script, and don't respond to anything they throw at you. You have to be so careful in the words that you use with someone like this.

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Number two, and this is hard for folks, but you have to let this person suffer their own consequences. There are a lot of ways that this plays out. But from Proverbs, again, "Fools are undone by their mouths. Their souls are crushed by their words."

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From Galatians six, "The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others, ignoring God will harvest a crop of weeds." What they'll have to show for their life is weeds.

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So there's the sense that they will suffer their own consequences. It's almost like you have to get out of their way. Get out of their way, take care of yourself, we'll get into how you take care of yourself but get out of their way.

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This is really hard for those of you who are high in empathy, who want to connect, who want to stay loyal. You want this person to hear you, you want some sort of connection, and, so, this is really, really hard.

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But one of the most loving things you can do for someone who is headed down this road of deception and destruction is to let them suffer those consequences. Is to extract yourself, save yourself first. Put on your own life jacket first and let them suffer their own consequences.

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And one of the best examples of this is from the parable of the prodigal son, from Luke chapter 15. And in this parable we see the father giving the son his inheritance, even though he sees it as a foolish request. And my guess when I read that passage is that the father probably had tried to reason with his adult son.

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He probably tried to connect with him, to share his perspective. And I can almost imagine the son using gaslighting tactics against his father. I can almost imagine the son saying things like, "You don't care about me. You don't want me to live my best life. You're selfish, you don't want to share your money with me."

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You can almost imagine some of the gaslighting that might have been occurring. Where the son is flipping it on his father, when the father really actually cares for him and wants what's best for him. But the son can't see it and he wants what he wants and so he starts doing this to the dad. And the father, finally, just lets him go, and says, "Okay, go, go, take the money and go."

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And the father has to step back and let the son suffer the consequences. And, oh, this is so hard. Oh, this is painful, when you love or care for somebody, who's caught up in this way of behaving in the world. It's really painful to do.

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But there's wisdom in letting that person go and suffering their own consequences. And I just want to add in here and I always want to remind you to seek help from a trained professional, if you're dealing with someone like this. Especially a close family member, someone you're in deep relationship with. To help you walk through that.

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Number three, this is where you then turn toward healing yourself. Stay anchored in your own integrity. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A sage quietly mulls things over a fool lets it all hang out. A sage, quietly mulls things over inside their own heart."

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Galatians six, "The one who plant seeds in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work, harvests a crop of real life, of abundant life."

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So the wise person takes this really hard situation, and turns to growth turns toward God, and says, "Man, I don't want to get sucked into this, I got to set a boundary with this and I got to heal my own soul.

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And I got to stay true to the work of God's Spirit in me. And I got to focus on the activities and the relationships that bring me life, and that bear good fruit in my life. So that I don't let this person rob me of the life that God wants for me." So stay anchored in your own integrity in your own healing work.

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Number four, surround yourself with wise, honest people, so important. Proverbs 13:20 says, "Become wise by walking with the wise. If you hang out with fools, you will watch your life falls to pieces." This is healthy boundaries.

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Guys, if you have to deal with a gaslighter on a day-to-day basis, you have to surround yourself with honest people who see you, who help you see reality, who help you name what's really going on. So you can stay strong and intact inside your own soul.

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And then number five, remember God's justice. And again, we turn to Galatians six here, "No one makes a fool of God." Okay, "No one makes a fool of God."

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So even if you have to extract yourself from this painful situation, and maybe this person goes on and they're spinning lies about you. And they're telling everybody, all these lies about you because you've extracted yourself and you've turned away from this behavior.

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You have to remember no one makes a fool of God and this is painful, and it can be so hard to know that someone is lying about you, or spreading stories behind your back.

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But at the end of the day, the truth will win out. You may not be able to win that momentary battle, that momentary war of words. You may not be able to clear the air in that exact moment, it may take some time.

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But you can save and heal your own soul. You can go on to find healthy relationships with honest, humble, kind, good God-fearing in a healthy way, people. You get to walk away and make sure your own soul is intact. And remember, at whatever point you do that, that justice will come. It will come.

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It may not be now, it may not be next year. It may take a while, but no one can make a fool of God, the truth will win out, the truth will set you free.

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So take heart, take charge of what you can. Limit your words, limit your interactions, keep your own integrity intact. Surround yourself with good, wise, safe, people, and then let go of what you cannot control. Let go of what you can't control and remember that God cannot be a made fool, that justice will prevail.

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It will at some point and you'll know. You'll know when you need to revisit that. But for now, turn toward the life-giving work of being true to the beautiful soul that God made in you.

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The good news is this, "The enemy of our souls is the father of lies." The father of gaslighting. These Malicious lies, this is John 8:44. But we have access to the one who is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.

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Armor up with the help of good friends, with God's Spirit on your side. Get a good therapist and you will be okay, you will be okay. You can find a new life apart from the gaslighter.

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So finally, I want to conclude with this question. What's the antidote to gaslighting? How do I make sure I don't go down the road of becoming a gaslighter? And how do I avoid people who might gaslight me going forward?

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So here's the thing we all are inclined to tell little white lies from time to time. We all want to brush things under the carpet. This is a part of our human nature and it's the part of us, we need to become really aware of and be honest about.

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Because the truth is the best antidote to gaslighting is to become a truth-teller yourself. It's to work on being as honest as you can with yourself, with God, and with a few trustworthy people.

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When you're honest with yourself, when you're honest with God, you build up that muscle, you build up that discernment. When you can name something in yourself, when you can say, "Man, I see that thing and it's there and it's real." You start to build up that reality muscle. And it actually helps prime you to detect deceit and manipulation and others.

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So it starts from the inside out and it is such a freeing way to live. I've learned to live this way myself. I've walked my clients through this process of learning to get really honest inside your own self. Because it is the best way to really get a refined sense of what's real, what's honest, what's truthful in the world around you.

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So here are some things you can do just to build up your own inner truth-teller. When you make a mistake, own it. Really work on this, this is a skill to work on it and you don't always have to go to the other person. This should be in the context of a compassionate self-awareness.

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But go to yourself, go to God. Journal, "Man, I can't believe it. But I, I did this thing today and I just want to name that, and I want to be honest about that. Not with shaming myself, not with judging or condemning myself." But just getting really honest with yourself and with God.

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Another thing that you can practice is just being someone who learns how to validate, and get curious about the experiences of other people. Even when you don't understand what they're going through.

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When you practice this muscle in yourself of listening to someone and saying, "Well, I don't understand, I want to hear more. Help me understand your perspective. Could you tell me more about what that's like for you?"

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Once, you build up that muscle inside of yourself, when you become that kind of person. You will also draw those kinds of people toward you. You will also learn to look for those qualities in other people.

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So as you become, the kind of person you become is the kind of person you will more and more begin to seek out and look for in others.

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The more of that goodness you taste in healthy relationships. Where you listen, and honor, and ask good questions with curiosity with compassion. The more you do that with yourself, the more you do that with the people in your life, the more you'll draw those people toward you.

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I mean, sometimes, I think, can you imagine if we lived in a world where we were all just really honest. We took responsibility for ourselves. We listened well, to the person in front of us, we didn't manipulate things. We didn't try to distort the truth, we all just came together.

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Can you imagine how much healing and goodness there would be. How much more we would all thrive and the truth is we don't live in a world like that. We don't live in a world where everybody operates that way, so we have to be careful.

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But you can start to operate that way in your own little world, and start first within yourself and within your really key relationships with God and with the people you trust.

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And then number two, develop what I call a good inner BS detector. And all that means is learn to become shrewd and learn to become discerning. And you can learn how to do that.

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And a couple of ways you start to do that, one, you learn to listen to your body and the cues your body, and emotions are sending to you. You start to notice things like a pit in your stomach after a conversation you've had with somebody.

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Maybe you notice a tightness in your chest or a racing heart. Maybe you leave a conversation feeling angry, or even more anxious, or confused, or shame. Learn to pay attention to this because sometimes it may be because you did something wrong.

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But a lot of times, these cues are giving you warning signs, they're telling you something is off. So pay attention, learn to notice those cues, get help from a third party, learn to ask, "Wait, something happened here. I left this conversation feeling sort of funny. Something doesn't feel quite right. I'm not sure what's me and what's them."

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Look for those third-party advisors that you trust. Where you can really look at the facts, look at what happened, and get clarity about those situations.

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Psychologists call this reality testing, where you get really clear about the facts. And maybe you even write it down, you're like, "Here's what I saw, here's what I said, here's what I did. Here's what I know to be true."

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And you name those things. And you maybe bring along another set of eyeballs to look at those with you. To really get clear about reality.

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If you've been swimming in the waters of gaslighting toxicity, you're going to have to get really clear about the facts of a situation and reality test them. Anchor yourself in the truth so that you can stay strong, and you can turn away from toxicity and toward health.

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So this week, as you consider this question, "What brings out the best of you?" I want you to ask yourself a couple of questions as we close. Are there any relationships in your life where this kind of gaslighting is occurring? Are you wondering about that?

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Are these people really for me? Is this person really for me? Is this person really coming alongside of me and together we're trying to get toward a better, more honest, more open relationship? Is this person really helping me move toward the best of who I am? And, and I'm trying to help them move toward the best of who they are?

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So take inventory. If you're noticing any signs, just notice that. And then ask yourself who are the people, I don't ever ask that question about? Who are the people I just trust? And it's so interesting to me that often those are the people we overlook.

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We don't spend a lot of time thinking about them, because we just take it as baseline that they're trustworthy. Those are special relationships, so notice those. Notice where it's just like, "I just know, I can trust this person. I know they're going to always show up for me and they're never going to try to undermine me or deceive me or manipulate me."

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Really pay attention and move toward these trustworthy relationships. And then begin to wonder and ask yourself and get curious about those relationships, where you're constantly kind of feeling on edge or constantly kind of feeling like you have to monitor your every word.

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And then lastly, always look at your own soul looking at your own self. Are there any areas in your own life of dishonesty or deception and listen, this can be hard to face. But the more you face it in yourself the more free you become.

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The more you get honest with yourself and with God the more you detect honesty in others. The more you get really, really clear about what's a truth and what's a lie.

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You know that game two truths and a lie, you get really good at identifying truth, it starts inside yourself. So don't blame or shame yourself. Just start to get curious about your own soul, about your own self, about areas in your own life.

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Get curious about your relationships, start to notice. And as you do remember, as you pay attention to your own soul, to your relationships, to the work of God. The work God's tapping on inside your own body, inside your own heart, inside your own mind. As you do that work, you will set yourself and others free.

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Thank you for joining me for this episode of The Best of You. Be sure to check out the show notes for any resources and links mentioned in the show. You can find those on my website at dralisoncook.com. That's Alison with one -L- cook.com.

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Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that you don't miss an episode. And I love it, if you go ahead and leave a review. It helps so much to get the word out.

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I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday. And remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God you heal others, and you stay true to your God-given self.

You've heard the word narcissist, but what does it really mean?

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In this episode we'll discuss:

1. What narcissism is- how it's presented in the Bible and the criteria psychologists use to diagnose it
2. The difference between labeling people vs. naming behaviors
3. Different types of narcissism
4. What it feels like if you're in a narcissistic relationship
5. How do I know that I'm not a narcissist?
6. The antidote to narcissism

Resources

• When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat
• 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (Message)
• 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NTE)
• Psychology Today: Narcissism
• Counseling and Support Resources

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Transcript:

Dr. Alison: Hey everyone. I'm Dr. Alison Cook, and I'm here to help you discover what brings out the best of you. This podcast is all about helping you break free from painful patterns, mend your past, and discover your true self in God. I'm so grateful you're here and I can't wait to get started. As we learn together how to become the best version of who we are with God's help.

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***

Hey, everyone, it's Dr. Alison, and welcome to this very first episode of The Best of You podcast. So this week, I want to kick off our very first series, I'm calling psychology buzzwords. So what I want to do in this series is tackle some of these buzzy words that we are seeing everywhere.

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Some of them you may be more familiar with than others. Some of them represent aspirational qualities, the best of who we hope to be. And some of these words represent the toxic side of things. They show up when people are living from the worst of who they are.

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Before we dive into this series, I want to say the following, and I'll probably repeat it over and over in this series. Because it's so important to understand the power of words. There's a difference between labeling a person and naming a pattern of behaviors. Labeling, slaps a sticker on someone that says, "You are this. This is who you are. You are bad."

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On the other hand, naming a pattern of behaviors brings clarity. It brings life, it brings freedom. It's saying, "Here is what this is, here is how this affects me, here is how it affects other people, and now that I have clarity. I can move toward health both in myself and in my relationships and I can move away from toxicity."

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So labeling uses knowledge as a weapon. It takes words and throws them on people and it doesn't really help anybody. Naming patterns of behaviors uses knowledge as a shield. It's not so much about attacking the other person or even labeling the other person.

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Instead, it's about equipping and empowering you to live with wisdom and discernment. It's about you learning to honor your own heart, mind, and body as precious and worthy of care. So in your name patterns, whether in yourself or in other people. You can take steps to turn away from harm, and toward becoming the best version of who you are with God's help.

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All right, today, we're going to start off with one of the buzziest buzzwords right now, and that's narcissism. So I want to start here for two reasons. Narcissism, in many ways, represents the worst of who we can become.

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It's the opposite of a strong, healthy sense of self. It's a picture of what we want to move away from. And a lot of people don't understand this about narcissism, they see it as someone being too full of themselves. When the reality is, it's the absence of a core sense of self and we'll unpack that a little bit as we go.

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So the second reason I want to start with narcissism, is that it's the word I see thrown around the most, right now. And there's a lot of good reasons for that it's real, it's destructive. If you've been in a relationship with a narcissistic parent, pastor, partner, friend, anyone, it's really devastating.

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It's really hard to see it, to name it, and to find your way out of that kind of relationship. But the term is also often misused in ways that can be damaging. So it's really important that we understand it since we're hearing it a lot.

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All right, so to define narcissism I'm going to look to two primary sources. And because this is a podcast where we talk about faith and psychology. We're going to look at the Bible and we're going to look at the DSM for our definition of narcissism.

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The DSM is a Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. It's what psychologists use to classify and describe patterns of human behaviors. It's exactly what we're doing here. So it gives us a picture of how the world of psychology is seeing these behaviors. And it's only one picture, there are many ways of looking at this. But I find it to be helpful when we're trying to understand these things.

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So this is how I define it in its simplest terms, and that is, "Narcissism is the absence of a strong sense of self." And that might be surprising to some of you. You might have thought of narcissism as being someone who's completely full of themselves. And that's, a lot of times, is what we say or they love themselves so much.

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But the reality is that someone who is narcissistic is very far from their true sense of self. From their God-made self. There's a bit of a black hole inside, a bit of a void. And, as a result, someone who's narcissistic has to take everything in the world, around them, as an object to try to fill that void inside of them.

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Everyone in the world, around a narcissist, really only exists to help that person fill their own void inside. The narcissist can't really connect inwardly to a healthy core sense of self, out of which to give out to others. So they're always trying to fill that void on the inside.

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So with that in mind, here's what the DSM, which is this manual used by psychologists says about narcissistic behaviors. These are the criteria that are used to diagnose someone who is narcissistic.

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The first and important point is that "It's a pervasive pattern of behaviors." And we'll get into more of what we mean by that word pervasive. But here's some of the checklist: A grandiose sense of self-importance. Someone who's preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, sort of this idealized fantasy of love.

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Someone who requires excessive admiration. They might have a sense of entitlement, which is an unreasonable expectation of special treatment. Or maybe they want you to automatically comply with whatever they think, or want, or need in any given moment.

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They lack empathy. Which means they are either unable, or unwilling to recognize, or identify, or come alongside the feelings of other people. They are someone who exploits other people. And this is what I mean by this idea that they're looking at you only as someone to serve their needs, to fill that void inside of them. You're just an object in their world. Arrogance is a feature of narcissism, as well as envy.

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Now, here's the thing, we all have some of these qualities. And in order to meet the criteria to be diagnosed, as someone who's narcissistic, you have to have a bunch of these qualities. And remember that word, they have to be pervasive, and we'll talk more about what that means.

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But before we get there, I want to look at a passage from the Bible. That I think really describes this idea of narcissism really well in a way that's amazing to me. Because it's long before the word ever really existed in our modern vernacular.

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So listen to me read these words from 2 Timothy 3, now, I'm reading from The Message Version. Okay, are you ready? This is 2 Timothy 3:1-5, "Don't be naive. There are difficult times ahead. People are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people."

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So that's from The Message version, again, from 2 Timothy 3, I'll link to it in the show notes. But it's so striking to me, there's a way in which nothing is really new under the sun. You're going to find that as we dig into this podcast. All these psychology buzzwords are, in many ways, new words, for old behaviors, behaviors as old as the sun.

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So another thing that's interesting to me is N.T. Wright's translation of this very same passage uses the phrase, "People will be in love with themselves. And there will be a pattern of godlessness."

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Now, again, this idea that people are in love with themselves. Not so much because they actually love themselves in that way that we're supposed to care for ourselves. But they're just in love with this idea of themselves because there's such a void at the center. And, so, there's no real ability for love to flow vertically and horizontally.

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They're only able to bring love toward "ME" inwardly. "I can only bring the love in. I don't have anything on the inside from which to pour out to others." That's the narcissist

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Okay, so there's a lot to unpack here. So I want to start - I just want to pull out three different things from what we just read. Number one, this idea, "Don't be naive." Don't be naive in this world. And you know this you're listening to this episode, so you're obviously interested in this idea.

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You know there's toxicity in our world. I wish there wasn't. I wish I could get on here and talk about nice happy things all the time and I promise we will. But it's real. Narcissism is real and we can't be naive. And if you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship without knowing what it is, it's really helpful to understand it so that you can name it.

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This is biblical. It's biblical, to be wise, to be discerning, to be careful, to be cautious, to arm ourselves with that shield of knowledge that I was talking about.

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The other thing I want you to pay attention to is this idea of patterns of behaviors. Both in the DSM and the Bible, there's this emphasis on patterns. This is so important, it's not just a one-off. Any one of us can be selfish, self-centered, entitled, arrogant, or envious.

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Any one of us can be any of those things in any given moment. If any one of those behaviors, at one moment in time makes someone a narcissist, we are all narcissists, right there. I mean, I know I am. If any one of those behaviors makes somebody a narcissist.

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There's a difference between someone who's self-centered in a moment, and someone who has a constant pervasive pattern of only being able to see the world through their own self-centered lens. Who is incapable of empathizing with another human.

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So this idea of it being a pattern of behaviors, over time, is really important to understand as we go through all of these buzzwords. These are not one-offs.

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We get to make mistakes, we get to have a moment. It's not just a selfish or self-centered person, even. This is a pervasive pattern of self-focus behaviors, over time, with reckless disregard for other people, okay? So don't be naive, these are patterns of behaviors.

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So the third thing I want to pull out of 2 Timothy, in particular, is this idea that he says, "They'll make a show of religion." So religious people are not immune from these toxic behaviors. And I know you're sitting there listening to me going, "Yes, I know this."

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I know many of you have been hurt by narcissistic behaviors in faith communities, in faith-filled homes. You may have grown up in a home where faith was shown, but the way that it was lived out was really toxic. So people of faith are not immune from these patterns of behaviors.

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In fact, Timothy highlights that "These behaviors will come from people making a show of religion," he's highlighting this. And I don't want to stigmatize any one group. But we can be really quick to point to celebrity culture, or politicians, or other go-to places.

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But the truth is these toxic behaviors are also in faith communities, and they can be even more hurtful there. Because we're not expecting them there. We're, oftentimes, taking our guard down when we go into these faith communities. And so it's even more harmful than when we bump up against these toxic behaviors. So those are three things to pause on before we move forward.

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So what are some examples of different types of narcissism? Well, first of all, it lies on a spectrum and that's true of any behavior. Most of us are not one thing. Most people are not all one thing, we're complex. And some forms of narcissism are more damaging than others.

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They all create wounds, they all create pain. But some forms can be more damaging, and even more dangerous than others. So my good friend, who's a professor and therapist, Chuck DeGroat has an amazing book. Where he talks about how narcissism shows up by Enneagram type.

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So for those of you who are Enneagram enthusiasts, please check out that book. It's fascinating to see the ways he describes the different numbers and how narcissism shows up. The book is called When Narcissism Comes to Church. And he talks a lot about how narcissism shows up in faith communities, specifically.

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But Chuck says, "There are many faces of narcissism." And with that in mind, I want to paint a picture of a couple of different types of narcissism, and how these may have shown up in your life.

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So I'll start with what I call a more benign narcissist. And this type of person might not even quite make the cut for a diagnosis. But a lot of the features are there, and it's helpful to understand because it's one of the more common types.

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For example, let's say you have a parent who is really self-preoccupied. Maybe it's your mom, maybe she can only talk about herself. She can't really understand that you have struggles, or that you're busy with raising your kids, or your work, or all the things that you have on your plate. Maybe she can only see you as someone to be there for her. It's really all about her needs and she's not, necessarily, trying to hurt you.

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There's nothing malicious going on but she really can't see you. She can't empathize with you. She can't enter into your world. No matter how hard you might be trying to get her to enter into your world, to see your world, she just can't do it.

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She can only exist in her own world and you can only be in a relationship with her as long as you enter into her world. And what I mean by that is as long as you are listening to her, propping up her ideas, validating her feelings, seeking out her opinions. She can't really do those things for you, okay?

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So the reason I use the word benign is that this person isn't actively trying to harm you. So let's say, for example, you set some boundaries with this person. Maybe you reduced the amount of time you spend with them, or maybe you get some space from them.

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They don't necessarily try to manipulate you, or guilt-trip you, or coerce you to feel guilty or obligated to them. They might even let you go. But even in that, especially when it's a parent, that's painful.

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Because it's like, "Why wouldn't they come to me and ask what's going on?" And you have to remember, this person simply cannot see you. They cannot come into your world and say, "I want to hear about you, how are you? What's going on with you?"

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This is really hard, especially, when it's a parent or a family member. It's like they live in their own orb and you're welcome if you enter into their world. But if you need it to be about you, that option isn't there.

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So it's not that there's malicious behavior. Again, you might be able to be around this person, but you will need to adjust your expectations of them. You might need to limit your time and you've got to constantly remind yourself, "This person is never going to ask me about my day. They're never going to enter into my problems, my opinions. They're not going to seek out my opinion." So you reduce your expectations in that way.

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So next up, we go to what a lot of people call covert narcissism, and I tend to call it victim narcissism. It's still always about them but it's more from this victim place. It's more from this place of, "You need to be available to me. I need you. I need you always to be helping me. I need you to love me. I need you to affirm me."

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There's a lot of guilt-tripping, and a lot of manipulation in this type of narcissism. They're always trying to get your affirmation. They're using tactics to keep you close to them and these tactics are harmful. Because they usually pull on your own wounds and your own vulnerabilities.

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They don't really necessarily want your help. They don't really want to come out of that victim place. But they do want you to validate them in that victim place. And if you don't, let's say you try to set a boundary or you try to take space, they won't like it, and they may try to blame you. They may try to make you feel bad. When in reality, all you're trying to bring out is more of your true self in the relationship, and they can't tolerate that.

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So the next one we get into is what we call overt narcissism. Which is really what people are typically talking about when they start to say things like, "Oh, he's such a narcissist." Or "Oh, she's such a narcissist."

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It's that sort of archetype of this charismatic, self-promoting, sort of, dynamic person. And these people, at first, they are a lot of fun. There is usually a lot of energy. There is a lot going on, they make you feel wonderful. They make a lot of promises about what they can do for you. You might feel really special to be chosen by them initially.

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So, initially, we can really get sucked into sort of this orb of the overt narcissist. But over time, again, remember patterns of behavior over time. You start to realize, man, this is all about their world, this is all about them.

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Heaven forbid, I have a difference of opinion, or maybe I don't want to show up for that thing. Or maybe I need to call them out on something and I think they're being a little bit selfish. And, all of a sudden, you start to see this other side of the person.

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You start to realize that it's not okay to question or challenge them. You can't confront or have any sort of meaningful conversation about conflict in any way. It all goes really, really, well with this type of person as long as you stick to their terms, all right?

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So this is when a lot of us get sucked into it and it can feel really bad about yourself. Because you're like, "Why didn't I see it earlier?"

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But I want you to remember, again, these are patterns of behavior. So, initially, this person is really wooing you, it's really fun, there's a lot going on. And it takes a minute to see behind, peer behind the veil, and see what's really going on underneath.

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All right, last, we move into the most-toxic narcissism, what we call malignant narcissism. Now, these are folks at whatever point you cross them, at whatever point you challenge them. Whether it's their leadership or maybe their victim narrative, they're going to come after you. So, and that's what we mean by malignant, there's going to be malice. There's some malignant intent here.

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So, for example, you might start to notice, you know, "Man, I really love how dynamic this person is, they're motivating and captivating. But I'm seeing some things behind the scenes that are concerning me, in the way that they're treating other people. It feels like maybe they're not thinking about how their actions are affecting others." And when you start to see that, and if you start to point it out, they're not going to like it.

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Their core sense of self can't tolerate that disagreement, that difference, that differentiation. It's what we call, psychologists call, when you start to insert some difference, you bring your own self into the picture. You differentiate from that person, they can't tolerate that.

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They can't tolerate you calling them out and you'll be punished if you do that. You'll be punished if you don't abide by what they perceive to be their needs, their demands. What they've dictated to be the way things are going to be, and this is where it can get really destructive.

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It can get really hard to get out of these kinds of relationships. Especially in a marriage or maybe even a church community or a family member, in any type of committed relationship where there's been some investment on your part. Because they're going to use things against you. They're going to take things they know about you and use them against you and it's really, really toxic.

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So I want to touch on, next, a little bit, just to quickly on where does narcissism come from? So I've come to believe that shame is at the root of narcissism. And, so, this can happen when a child either had no attention and were completely neglected.

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So they didn't get the healthy mirroring, this idea of mirroring is the idea of parents, kind of, holding up a mirror to a child. To help a child see themselves that's really healthy when a child is young. That's what we need when we're young.

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So if you didn't get that you don't develop that healthy sense of self. And then on the other extreme, this can happen when children are overindulged and no boundaries are ever set. They're never taught how to see some of their blind spots, how to see some of their shortcomings, which is also really important.

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So either extreme can create the situation in which nobody's ever taught this child, "Hey, you know sometimes you get it wrong. Sometimes you've got to be able to tolerate somebody disagreeing with you. Somebody not liking the way you do things, somebody's giving you input. You've got to learn to tolerate challenges. You've got to learn to tolerate other people's boundaries, other people's YESES and NOs. You've got to be able to say them and you've got to be able to tolerate them from others."

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And, so, if this isn't taught, if this child never learned this, whether they were overindulged or whether they were neglected, there's a lot of shame at the root. Where they don't know how to tolerate.

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They've never built up that core sense of self to tolerate, somebody, coming into their space, and introducing difference. Introducing another perspective, introducing maybe healthy confrontation or a healthy boundary. And then their desire to avoid that shame, that void inside that's been filled in with shame in the absence of any healthy messaging.

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They're really quick to turn things around and lay that shame right back on you. And spoiler alert, this is our topic next week, we're going to get into their favorite tactic to use, which is gaslighting. So you might even think of narcissism as people who are stuck in those very early stages of development and that's where there's so much shame there.

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Because it's like a little child inside the narcissist. A really young child that has never been able to grow into a healthy, mature adult who understands boundaries. Who understands distinction between myself and others. So remember, narcissism isn't a strong sense of self, it's the opposite. It's the lack of that whole sense of a healthy self.

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So I want to move into how does it affects us? What's it feels like to be in a relationship with someone with these patterns? Because many of you listening have probably been hurt by someone or maybe even wondering if you're in a relationship like that.

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So here's what it can feel like; you start to find yourself in a world where you don't exist. It's like you're looking around, going, "I'm in this relationship and I don't exist in this relationship. I only exist in so far as I'm mirroring back to them what it is that they think, what it is that they need. I'm validating their feelings constantly."

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And you can start to feel a little crazy, almost like, "What's wrong with me?" Like, "Why can't I make myself heard?" "Am I not explaining myself clearly enough?" "Am I doing something wrong?" "Am I not standing up for myself enough?"

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Because they can't enter into my needs or honor my opinions, they can't hear me. They can't have a healthy dialogue. They can't have this conversation, where you might say, "Hey, here's what's hard for me." And then maybe there's an exchange when two healthy people come together.

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It goes kind of like, "Here's what I need, here's what I'm struggling with." And then the other person listens and they might say, "Okay, I get that, I hear you, I understand, here's how I see it, here's what I need." And then two healthy people come together and negotiate through those differences.

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But with a narcissistic person, you can't do that. You can't have that kind of healthy communication. As long as you're gazing upon them, as long as you're building them up, as long as you're listening to the way they see the world, the relationship is good.

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But if you take a second look. If you show any difference. If you question something. If you say, "I'm not sure I agree with you on that. I'm not sure I want to do it that way." Or, "I think I need to set a boundary here." They can't tolerate that.

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So there's no communication avenues possible with someone who is truly narcissistic. And that's what's really hard for people to understand, those communication avenues are closed off. You're not going to get anywhere by continuing to try to make yourself heard, with someone who's truly narcissistic.

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In healthy relationships, there's a back and forth. You might have ruptures but you repair. You might have disagreements, but you negotiate your way through them. You might have conflict, but you figure it out, you figure out a way forward.

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Someone who is narcissistic cannot do these things, you can't get traction with them. They need to be in charge. It needs to be on their terms, they can't repair after a rupture. They will do just enough to engage, but never really get to the root of the problem so that the problem can be healed and solved.

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Because the only way to get to the root of a problem is for both people to be able to get to the root of themselves. To see themselves clearly including an awareness of our strengths and of our shortcomings. It requires a full self to be able to go into a relationship with another person and there's no sense of self there. There's no stable core sense of self there when someone is narcissistic.

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I want to just briefly touch on this question, how do I know I'm not a narcissist? I get asked this a lot and it's a very simple answer. When you can really start to genuinely reflect on yourself, to the point where you're genuinely asking that question, you're probably not a narcissist.

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When you can reflect on yourself with any sense of self-awareness, and even naming, "Oh man, I do long for approval. I'm aware that sometimes my motivation is to try to get approval." That's healthy self-awareness because then you can work with that. Or I want my kids to validate me, to tell me that I'm awesome.

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I know, it's not primarily my job as a parent to get my kids to validate my needs. I know, that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. I know I'm supposed to be loving them for them and helping them become their truest self.

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But, man, sometimes I just want them to tell me I'm doing a great job. That's healthy self-awareness. That's you owning your own stuff. That's you becoming aware of your own blind spots, be compassionate toward yourself, you don't need to shame yourself, but it's just this healthy way of seeing yourself.

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So we all have to be doing the work of looking inside our own hearts, I mean, every single one of us. If you're a church leader, a pastor, a politician, a parent, a celebrity, whatever your situation is in life, you have to be doing the hard work of looking inside your own heart.

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Because we can all move toward narcissistic tendencies. We can all move toward trying to get our own gaping wounds healed by manipulating others. By trying to get other people to see us a certain way instead, of trying to be who we really are with God's help.

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We have to do this work of really being vulnerable about where we're struggling. About where we need validation, about where we notice when we're being a little bit entitled. Or when we're trying to manipulate someone else trying to get them to do what I want them to do. Instead, of asking someone directly for what I need, and letting the other person be an adult, and respond how is best for them.

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We all have to do this work to stay on top of ourselves. To notice, "When am I loving the spotlight, and when do I need to practice stepping back out of the spotlight? To make sure that, that desire isn't getting the best of me?" Or, "When do I need to make sure that I'm lifting up others voices? That I'm not making it all about my voice?"

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So we want to be looking for people who are doing that work. It's not that they're perfect, it's that they're doing the work of growing in self-awareness. They're doing the work of showing up and here we're going to go with the opposite of the patterns that we want to be looking with.

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We want to be looking for consistent patterns of kindness, of humility, of goodness, of self-control, of patience, of gentleness, of faithfulness, of peace. These are the fruit of God's Spirit. These are the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5. And we want to be looking for people who show that they know how to live from this place of being loved.

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Of having received kindness, of having received goodness. But they have something to pour out to others from that place of wholeness inside. And that comes through self-awareness. That comes through facing our stuff, we learn to be good to ourselves, even when we have really blown it in the moment.

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Because when we learn how to do that for ourselves. When I learned how to go, "Man, I was just so manipulative right there, I cannot believe myself." But I can be kind to myself in that, I can forgive myself, I can be patient with myself as I grow, that's cultivating a whole sense of self. And then guess what, when someone else comes to me and says, "Hey, I noticed you were a little off yesterday." I can take it. Because I've learned how to take it inside of myself, I've done the work.

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So the difference between health and toxicity is the ability to reflect on your own behaviors honestly. And to be able to come to the table and say, "This is where I am. This is what's going on inside of me and I am okay with that. I'm okay with where I am right now. I want to grow, I want to change. Do you want to do that work with me? Can we do that work together?"

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The more we do this work inside of ourselves, the more we will recognize the kind of people who are also doing this work. And we'll begin to move away from toxicity and more toward health.

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So what's the antidote to narcissism? It's becoming your truest self in God. It's not becoming less of yourself, it's becoming more of your truest, deepest, best self. And it starts by doing the work of looking inside.

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It's learning how to grow strong inside, learning who you really are. The things you like, and some of the things you don't. And it's welcoming all parts of you to the table in partnership with God. Because as you become truer and truer, as you become at peace with the real you. The best of you and sometimes the worst of you, as you learn to acknowledge all parts of you. And you bring God into that, and you learn to show up for yourself.

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With these qualities, with gentleness, with patience, with humility, with kindness. You grow this beautiful sense of self, this beautiful soul, and you start to show up for other people in that way. And you start to notice the kind of people who can show up like that for you.

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It's not that people are just showing up telling you how great you are. It's that people can show up with you and with kindness, and with compassion, you grow together. So keep doing this work, get to know yourself, keep getting honest with yourself.

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It's such rich work, it's the best kind of work. It's the fruit of a soul that's known. And there's so much peace in that, there's so much freedom, in just being able to know yourself, know the good stuff, and know the bad stuff.

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Know that God knows it, have a few safe people who know it and there's so much freedom in that. And when you do that you bring life to yourself and you bring life to others. You empower others to do that work too, this is freedom.

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So I just want to close today by saying if you've been in a narcissistic relationship, or if you are currently wondering if you're in one. I first want to say there's no shame in that, a lot of people get sucked into it. It's really easy to be duped and to get sucked into one of these, there's no shame in it. It's really also hard to extract yourself.

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So first of all, just name those behaviors. If you're seeing the signs, and if you're wondering if you are in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic. First, just name those patterns of behaviors with yourself and with God.

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Because remember naming is clarifying. And then I want you to find safe places, you're going to need to find support and safe places where you can show up as your true full self. And it could be a therapist's office, it could be a group of friends.
But you'll need to find a place where you're really seen, and where you can begin to build up that core sense of self. So that you begin to disentangle from some of these tactics, that that person might be using to try to disrupt you and to make you feel crazy. You often need to get help outside of the system.

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So remember, when I was saying you're not able to communicate with that person anymore. You've got to get support from outside of that relationship. To help you see more clearly how you can disentangle from the toxicity and craft a plan to help you move forward.

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So we'll circle back to a lot of these topics. But remember to name it, be gentle with yourself, and get support, get support. I'll link to some places where you can do that in the show notes.

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All right, to close our episode out today, I want to close every episode with a question and a challenge. The question is what brings out the best of you? And this week, I want you to think about this question, especially, if you're someone who's been hurt by a narcissistic relationship.

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I want you to think about these questions. Where do I feel most alive? Where do I feel most myself? Where do I feel the most seen? Where do I feel like a real person who's loved, honored, and valued? It might be with other people, it might be a place, it might be with God, it might be in a counselor's office, it might be an activity that makes you feel alive.

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But I want you to notice and I want you to move toward that. Because as you heal and you move toward what brings out the best of you. You will begin to disentangle from these toxic relationships, and you'll begin to find your way into a healthier, more whole-hearted way of being and to the best version of who God longs for you to become.

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So I just want to leave you with this reminder today. When you move toward health, when you move toward becoming the best of who you are, you set yourself free. And as you set yourself free, you will set everyone around you in this world free too. Thank you so much for joining me today and I will see you here next Thursday on The Best of You.

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Thank you for joining me for this episode of The Best of You. Be sure to check out the show notes for any resources and links mentioned in the show. You can find those on my website at dralisoncook.com. That's Alison with one -L- cook.com.

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Before you forget, I hope you'll follow the show now so that you don't miss an episode. And I'd love it if you'd go ahead and leave a review, it helps so much to get the word out. I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday. And remember, as you become the best of who you are, you honor God, you heal others, and you stay true to your God-given self.