How do I set boundaries without being cruel?
I hear this question often, and it reveals a conundrum that many people face—you feel like you have only two options when a boundary has been crossed:
a. Lash out and risk being seen as cruel or selfish
b. Stay silent and avoid conflict in the name of “kindness”
Thankfully, there’s a better way. It’s entirely possible to stand up for yourself with strength and integrity—without compromising your character. When you follow the three steps below, you can rest assured that you’re not being cruel. And that’s what matters most.
3 Steps to Set Boundaries Without Being Cruel
1. Don’t React Out of Anger—Listen to What It’s Telling You
First, know this: it’s okay to feel angry. Anger is a signal—it often points to the fact that you’ve been hurt, overlooked, or disrespected. That signal matters. But you don’t want it to take over.
In the moment, you may feel the urge to respond with sarcasm, snark, or spite. You might want to punish the person who hurt you.
Don't.
That kind of reaction won’t serve anyone—especially not you. Responding with anger only keeps you entangled with the person who hurt you and often intensifies the conflict.
Instead, pause. Recognize the anger rising inside and give yourself space to process. Go for a walk. Journal. Talk with a trusted friend. When you offer compassion to your anger, it will often soften—and with it, so will the urge to retaliate.
2. Don’t Retreat Out of Guilt—Stay Present to What Matters
After anger, guilt often rushes in:
- Was I overreacting?
- Should I just let this go?
- What if I hurt their feelings?
Guilt is often a sign that you care about doing the right thing. But for many people—especially those raised to avoid conflict—it can also be a trap. It can keep you silent when your voice is needed most.
Avoiding conflict to avoid guilt only keeps you stuck. You don’t want to lash out, but you also don’t want to shut down. And many people get stuck in that cycle: angry, then guilty, then silent. Neither extreme leads to healthy communication.
You don’t have to choose between attack and avoidance. There is another way.
3. Respond with Integrity—From a Place of Clarity and Courage
The healthiest responses come from the middle ground: where clarity and courage meet. This is where you pause long enough to assess the situation—and choose an action that honors both the truth of what happened and compassion.
Here’s how to get there:
a. What are the facts?
Step back from the emotion and name what happened objectively. What was said or done? What pattern do you see? Write it down or talk it out with someone you trust.
b. What was the impact on you?
What did you experience emotionally, mentally, or physically? Anxiety? Shame? A pit in your stomach? Identify what happened inside of you—because that’s where the wisdom lies.
c. What response aligns with your integrity?
Now, decide what action will protect your dignity and well-being. That might mean setting a clear boundary, limiting contact, or naming what’s not okay moving forward.
There’s nothing cruel about saying:
- “I’m not asking for your opinion. What I need right now is empathy.”
- “I feel anxious / angry / overwhelmed. I’m going to take a moment to myself.”
- “It’s hurtful when you ask me to do XYZ. Please don't do it again.”
- “I’m not comfortable talking right now. I’m going to excuse myself.”
Do these statements sound harsh?
They’re not.
They’re clear. They’re honest. And they’re said without blame.
If you’re still unsure, try this:
Ask yourself how you’d want your child—or someone you love—to stand up for themselves in the same situation. That often brings the answer into sharper focus.
When you take this kind of grounded action, you’re not being mean. You’re being honest. You’re showing up as a whole person—one who can be kind and clear. Compassionate and courageous.
For more on healthy boundaries, get a free devotional, workbook, and the first 3 chapters of The Best of You here!
