Sometimes the world feels like too much. The noise, the heartache, the injustice—your empathy picks up on all of it. You sense the pain behind someone’s anger. You see the wounds hiding beneath someone’s harmful behavior. You can’t not feel it.
Empathy is a beautiful gift. But if you’re not careful, that gift can turn into a trap. You start absorbing everyone else’s pain, excusing mistreatment, or staying silent when your voice is needed most.
You’re not weak. You’re not too sensitive. You’re caught in what I call The Empathy Trap.
The Empathy Trap
Research shows that people high in empathy also tend to be deeply loyal. When you feel someone’s pain, you’re more likely to stick with them, even when things get hard. It’s a powerful combination—but also a risky one.
Empathy is the ability to feel with another person. It’s not just feeling sorry for them—it’s stepping inside their skin and sensing what they feel. It’s an uncanny gift. Empathy is the oxygen of healing.
Loyalty is showing up through the good and the bad. It’s seeing the worst in someone you love and staying. At its best, loyalty is a form of faithfulness—the fabric of safety and trust.
Empathy builds the bridge—an emotional connection that helps you understand and care for someone deeply. Loyalty keeps you standing on that bridge—even when it starts to crumble beneath you.
Together, empathy and loyalty can make you an extraordinary friend, spouse, child, parent, or neighbor. Someone who gets what others are going through. Someone who stays, no matter what.
But here’s the problem: those very qualities can also trap you—especially if someone is exploiting your goodness.
Because sometimes, people aren’t worthy of the gifts you bring. Sometimes, you’re not the one called to heal a particular situation. And sometimes—perhaps most importantly—you’re the one in need of care.
Empathy makes it hard to confront someone you love when they’re behaving poorly. You feel their pain. You anticipate their reaction. You understand what's underneath their behaviors.
Now add loyalty into the mix, and the challenge deepens.
Empathy whispers, “Don’t hurt them.”
Loyalty insists, “You have to stick by them.”
Together, these voices can leave you painfully stuck.
That’s why you need to develop a third quality—one that allows you to honor your empathy and loyalty without losing yourself in the process.
The Way Out of the Trap
Empathy and loyalty are priceless. They are powerful agents of healing and safety. But if you are someone rich in these two qualities, there’s a third ingredient you’ll need:
Courage.
Courage takes empathy by the hand and gently propels you forward. It helps you step out from behind all your efforts to show up for them—and reminds you that you must also show up for yourself.
Courage says to empathy:
I see you. You feel so deeply. But I need you to trust me on this. It’s not OK to let someone mistreat you just because you understand the hurt behind their behavior. Would you take a step back for a moment?
Courage says to loyalty:
I get you. You are strong and unwavering. You’d take a bullet for this other person. But right now, you’re the one who is bruised and broken. You’re the one who needs support. Would you take a step back for a moment?
Courage gives you the mental and spiritual strength to name what is wrong and to stand for what is right. It helps you break free from the Empathy Trap.
Think about it: people who lack empathy don’t need much courage to use their voice. They’re not tuned in to how others feel—so they steamroll.
And people who lack loyalty? They don’t need courage to face conflict. They just move on.
But that’s not you.
You do care about how others feel. You can’t just move on—not that easily.
If you’re an empathetic person, you need courage to create the change you long for.
You need courage to speak up—even when it might hurt someone else.
You need courage to break silent pacts that are wounding your soul.
You need courage to seek help.
You need courage to speak the truth about what’s wrong.
You need courage to protect yourself.
You don’t have to abandon your empathy or loyalty—you just need a path forward that includes you, too.
Steps to Break Free From the Empathy Trap
1. Clarify the facts—to yourself and to God.
Start by naming the facts inside yourself. Stick to what’s happening, without justifying or analyzing the other person’s motives. For example:
- He gossips about me.
- She is manipulating me.
- He betrayed my trust.
- She is behaving in a cruel manner.
Ask God to help you see the situation clearly. Getting honest with yourself is courageous in and of itself.
2. Separate the behavior from the person.
Practice isolating the problematic behavior from the person as a whole. One way to do this is to imagine the behavior in a different context:
- If someone treated a close friend this way, how would you respond?
- What would you want to teach your child about how to respond to this type of behavior?
Write out general statements that help you name what’s not OK:
- Manipulating others isn’t OK.
- I don’t like it when someone tries to control me.
- If someone betrayed a friend in this manner, I would want them to protect themselves.
- Someone who makes rude comments about others may be doing the same behind my back.
This helps you see the behavior for what it is—without being clouded by your emotional connection to the person.
3. Recognize when your empathy and loyalty are overworking.
Think of empathy and loyalty as parts of you that may be working overtime. They mean well, but they also need rest. What if you asked them to step back in this particular situation—so that other parts of you can step forward?
You don’t want these parts to disappear. You need them. But in this moment, you may need to make space for other parts of you—like anger, conviction, honesty, or wisdom. What might those parts have to say? How might they help you show up with strength?
4. Practice setting a boundary.
Consider what boundary might be needed to protect your peace or your values. When you're ready, use your voice wisely and clearly.
- “I’m not available for conversations where I’m being blamed or manipulated.”
- “If this behavior continues, I’ll need to take a step back from the relationship.”
- “I care about you, but I can’t stay silent when something feels harmful.”
- “I need some space to process. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk.”
Above all, don’t lose your empathy—or your loyalty.
They are beautiful, essential parts of who you are.
But don’t waste them on harmful behavior.
Instead, learn to lead yourself with wisdom. Let courage rise alongside your compassion.
To learn more, check out my book The Best of You: Break Free From Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God
