Think about what you say to yourself when you’ve made a mistake, faced rejection, or been exposed in a way that felt uncomfortable. Do you notice shame messages like these?
- You’re a terrible person.
- You’re not worthy of love.
- You deserve this bad thing that’s happened.
- You’re making a fool of yourself.
- Who do you think you are?
You wouldn’t say these things to your worst enemy, yet a voice in your mind may have mastered the art of shaming you relentlessly.
Let’s be clear: shame is not constructive—it’s toxic. It’s not how God sees you, nor how God wants you to see yourself. Understanding shame is essential so you can recognize it and combat it effectively.
Self-reflection is healthy; shame is different. It doesn’t just make you feel bad about a specific mistake—it seeps into your whole sense of self. Shame targets your vulnerabilities—your pain, limitations, insecurities—and parades them in front of you. It drives you toward isolation, keeps you small, and blocks growth.
Here are four common sources of shame, followed by four strategies to fight it.
1. Shame From Unhealed wounds
Maybe your parents neglected you, leaving you feeling unworthy of care. Or perhaps a family member was overly critical, causing you to feel perpetually inadequate. As an adult, you may know these perceptions aren’t true, but shame still exploits those old wounds when life gets hard.
If you struggle with shame rooted in childhood wounds, it's important to heal these younger parts of yourself and embrace the deep self-honoring God desires for you.
2. Shame Fueled by Comparison
Shame often thrives in comparison. It’s one thing to admire someone else’s success; it’s another to use it as a weapon against yourself:
- She never yells at her kids—she’s a good mom, I’m a bad mom.
- She has so many friends—I’m not lovable like she is.
- That couple has what I’ll never have—I’m not worthy of that kind of love.
These messages often run quietly in the background. That’s why noticing them is the first step toward stopping them.
3. Shame Triggered By Exposure
Taking a risk—sharing your work, speaking up, letting yourself be seen—can trigger shame. Sometimes, it follows a real mistake or failure. Other times, shame comes simply from being vulnerable.
Risk and failure are both part of growth. But shame tries to twist them into proof that you should hide, stay small, and never try again.
4. Shame Born from Rejection
Rejection happens in both small and significant ways—whether it’s a curt comment from a spouse or the loss of a relationship. The danger comes when you interpret it as proof you are unlovable or at fault.
Shame distorts the truth, making you feel fundamentally flawed. But God’s love tells a different story—one of worth, dignity, and compassion.
4 Strategies to Fight Shame
1. Get curious about shame triggers.
Notice when shame shows up. What situations, relationships, or memories consistently make you feel small or unworthy? Simply naming these patterns loosens shame’s grip. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson calls this keeping a “shame inventory.” Awareness interrupts the automatic pathway so you can choose a new response.
2. Create a holy reframe.
Replace the shaming message with balanced, compassionate, and truth-filled statements—rooted in how God sees you. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a dear friend.
- Instead of thinking, "I’m such a failure," remind yourself, "Every step—even the missteps—is part of my growth and healing."
- Instead of, "I’m not worthy of love," remind yourself, "I am inherently worthy, deeply loved, and created to reflect God’s image."
- Instead of, "I’m not good enough," remind yourself, "I am unique and irreplaceable—no one can take my place."
3. Share your feelings of shame with a safe person.
Shame can’t survive in the presence of compassion. Confiding in a trustworthy friend, mentor, or therapist helps dismantle its grip and replaces it with connection.
4. Practice daily truth-telling.
Build a regular habit of affirming what is true about you in God’s eyes—your worth, your belonging, and your capacity for growth. Over time, this rewires your inner dialogue so truth becomes the default, not shame.
Shame is a liar. God’s voice is never shaming—it is loving, honest, and always invites growth.
To learn more, check out Dr. Alison Cook's book, I Shouldn't Feel This Way: Name What's Hard, Tame your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage Into Brave Action.
