Sometimes the world can feel like a mess. The cruelty, the hatred, the gaslighting from every direction. The hidden agendas and loud, screaming voices. If you’re empathetic you feel all of it. You anticipate the pain of the people around you. You understand the hurt behind those who are misbehaving, even when their actions are harmful or toxic.
You not only feel all of the pain, but your loyalty tells you that other people need you. You want to be loyal to a friend who is hurting—even a friend with whom you disagree. You might even wish to be loyal to someone who is behaving poorly, mistreating you, or mistreating someone you love.
Your empathy feels it all. Your loyalty keeps you from saying much of anything.
Empathy is a gift, as is loyalty, don’t get me wrong. But if you’re not prayerful and careful with them, you’ll find yourself trapped between your own best qualities.
You’ll find yourself stuck in what I call the Empathy Trap.
The Empathy Trap
Empathy is the ability to feel with another person. It’s not feeling sorry for them. It’s stepping inside their skin and feeling what they feel. It’s an uncanny gift. Empathy is the oxygen of healing.
Loyalty is showing support through the bad and the good. It’s seeing the worst in someone you love and sticking with them. At its best, loyalty is similar to faithfulness. It’s the fabric of safety and trust.
Mixed together these two qualities create the best kind of friend, spouse, child, parent, or neighbor. Someone who gets what you are going through. Someone who will stick with you, no matter what.
The problem is that these qualities may well keep you trapped if someone is exploiting you.
The problem is that sometimes people are not worthy of these gifts that you bring.
One of the hardest challenges you will face as an empathetic person, is showing up for yourself, especially if it might hurt someone.
Empathy makes it incredibly hard to confront misbehavior in the people you love. You feel what they feel, and you sense how they will respond. You don’t want to hurt anyone. Your care is genuine. Then, add loyalty into that mix, and you will face an incredible challenge.
Empathy tells you, “Don’t hurt anyone.”
Loyalty tells you, “You have to stick by them.”
Taken together, you might feel incredibly stuck. That’s why you need to develop a third quality if you really want to become the best version of yourself.
The Way Out of the Trap
Empathy and loyalty are priceless. They are powerful agents of healing and safety. But, if you are someone who is rich in these two qualities, there is a third ingredient you will need:
Courage
Courage takes empathy by the hand and gently propels you forward. It helps you step out from behind all of your efforts to show up for them, and reminds you that you also have to show up for yourself.
Courage says to empathy:
I see you. You are so deeply feeling. But, I need you to trust me on this. It’s not OK to let someone else mistreat you, just because you understand the hurt behind their behavior. Would you step behind me for a moment? It’s not unkind to name a behavior that is wrong.
Courage says to loyalty:
I get you. You are strong and capable. You would take a bullet for this other person. But right now, you are the one who is bruised and busted up. You are the one who needs support. Would you rest for a moment? It’s not disloyal to speak up for yourself.
Courage gives you the mental and spiritual strength to name what is wrong and to stand for what is right. It helps you break free from the Empathy Trap. Think about it. Folks who lack empathy don’t need a lot of courage to use their voice. They aren’t aware of (or don’t care about) how others feel. So, they simply steamroll over them. Likewise, folks who lack loyalty don’t need courage to face conflict in relationships. They don’t care. They’ll just move on.
But that’s not you. You do care about what they feel. You can’t just move on, at least not that easily. If you are an empathetic person, you must develop courage to create the change that you need.
Empathy makes it hard to speak up in a way that might hurt someone else, even when you are the one being hurt.
You need courage to break silent pacts that are hurting you.
You need courage to seek help from someone outside of a broken system.
You need courage to speak up on behalf of wrongs that you see.
You need courage to protect yourself, or someone you love.
If you are an empathetic person, one of the most difficult realities you will have to face is the reality that sometimes people can be small, petty, manipulative, or downright cruel. Even the people you love.
Steps to Break Free From the Empathy Trap
Clarify the facts to yourself and to God.
Before you figure out what to say or do in a challenging situation, start by naming the facts inside of yourself first. At this point, stick to the facts. For example:
- He gossips about me.
- She is manipulating me.
- They are showing cruel behavior toward other people.
Try not to justify or analyze why they might be doing this at this point. Simply ask God to help you see the situation clearly. Getting honest with yourself about what is happening is courageous in and of itself.
Separate the behavior from the person.
Practice isolating the problematic behavior from the other person. You might start by imagining this behavior in other contexts with other people. For example, if someone was treating a friend this way, how would you respond? What would you want to teach your child about this behavior? How would you help them learn to protect themselves from it?
Write out statements about the general behavior to help you get clarity about what’s happening. For example:
- Manipulating other people isn’t OK.
- I don’t like it when someone tries to control me.
- Someone who makes snide, rude comments about other people is likely saying similar things about me.
Consider your empathy and loyalty as parts of you that might be over-working.
Everybody needs a rest sometimes to show up as their best self. Think of empathy and loyalty as parts of you that work over-time and might need a rest. What if you asked them to sit out from this particular situation, so that other parts of you can step up? You don’t want them to go away—in fact, you need them. But in this particular situation, you might need other parts of you to weigh in. For example, you might make room for anger, conviction, honesty, or wisdom at the table of your soul. What approach might these parts of you bring to the table?
4. Consider a healthy boundary you might set.
As you get stronger internally, you’ll be more prepared to take brave steps externally with other people. As you consider how and when to use your voice, check out some of the articles listed below on how to set healthy boundaries and use your voice wisely.
Above all: Do not lose your empathy, nor your loyalty. They’re incredibly valuable parts of who you are. However, do not waste them on the wrong behaviors. Learn to lead yourself wisely, as you develop your courage.
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” —Matthew 10:16
For Further Reading:
Will Setting Boundaries Make Me Cruel?
The Secret to Setting Boundaries
How to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Showing Up for Yourself
The timeliness of your post feels prophetic. I definitely find myself stuck in the empathy trap and it’s exhausting.
I hear you, Kim and I pray for courage and discernment as you move toward freedom.
Yes, its tiring. Trying to stop helping others and also listening to all the “chatter” in those with neither empathy or loyalty…who use these gifts, of someone else, to manipulate for their own selfish reasons.
I definitely find myself in this trap..
I woke up this morning and read this and you are describing me to the core. I am in an unhealthy very toxic marriage of almost 9 years. He is extremely narcissistic and I can’t seem to break completely free of him. I am planning to leave for the 7th time very soon. He always seems to find a way to suck me back in. He know my good heart and I am loyal and definitely very sympathetic and have deep empathy. He grew up in a “Christian” family where the father was extremely abusive physically, mentally, and emotionally. On our marriage there was a couple of times of physical abuse but most definitely mental and emotional. We have went to so much counseling and I have had counseling from domestic abuse centers. Today it’s been over two years of counseling at a center and we are working very hard to get me out again. I have my own home and we do not have kids together. Yet I am still stuck. I have adult kids and now grandchildren who don’t want to be around him and they just want me free and myself again. If I don’t agree with him then there’s an argument. He tells me oh you are woman hear me roar. He can tear me down and cuss and yell and not say he’s sorry and I am to forgive and forget and move on. He withholds heat, money, anything he possibly can. The rules are ever changing and there are many for me. He doesn’t obey rules and is mad when and if he ever has a consequence. I want out I want my life back. He will go to church and quote the scriptures amen during the sermon at what he likes and then walk it to be the devil. I can divorce him as he says biblically I don’t have a right. Who knows if he has cheated when i have left him. I pray all the time, ask God for wisdom and direction. I want peace, joy, and to be present with my family and not worrying about him. Nothing will ever be enough. He gaslight, projects, demeaning, blames, shames, you name it. What his dad did to him, his siblings, and mom he does to me. As a dear friend said to me, “you have carry his baggage long enough”. I pay the price for his insecurities. His ex-wife whom he has a son with could only make it a little over a year of marriage. He convinced her a couple of years after there horrible divorce to marry him a second time. She believed he had changed, only to find out he married her so he didn’t have to pay child support and be with his son 100% of the time. Within a couple of weeks she realized it. He is great at manipulating, deceiving, controlling, anything of the enemy. He has had so many relationships with so many women. No one sticks around but me. Why, why, can’t I get our? He is destroying my health, finances, friends, and family. I just had my yearly physical and my Doctor knows my environment. She just encourages me to get strong and leave him for good. She said I could get very sick from the stress, and the constant flight or fight mode I remain in. Sorry everyone for the long post but this is serious and I never dreamed I would be in a mess like this. I have never experienced someone like this. It isn’t easy to get out of like others seem to think. This is real. My brother and sister can’t understand it and just say leave him but it’s not that easy. I have one friend who totally understands what I am going through. She was with his brother for 8 years and finally got free. They never married but he strung her on that long. They are so good at being evil men. They want giving, loving, caring, forgiving, women because they aren’t any of those things. I believe there should be a rehab center for people to recover from this narcissistic abuse. If I could just be gone for a program similar to that of addition I believe I could be free. I need to be de-programed from all the toxic abuse. It’s the trauma bonding that also keeps one bound. There’s also what they call soul ties and it is real. I just want free.
Hi Sharon, I’m so sorry and I’m so glad you have sought support from a domestic abuse center. It is so important to seek help from outside of a toxic system in order to find your way out to freedom. There is a list of support groups and counseling resources on my website here: https://www.dralisoncook.com/resources/
is there such thing as “over emphatic” feelings? I always think I feel too much ….
Hi Daniela, yes. Our empathy can take us over to where we feel more than what is healthy. Learning to separate out from empathy, and even to set gentle boundaries with it, is a key part of emotional health.
I feel like I made the big switch to the opposite side – for 20 years I have been that people-pleasing empathetic , courage less person in every single relationship. Then I believe God intervened through circumstances and flipped the switch. I am now having to learn when to switch that empathy switch on- after being abandoned and just lied to this is hard for me- thank you Alison. Lots to think about – and pray about.
Hi Chantal. I get it. When we are first healing from painful relationships, we often flip the empathy switch “off” as a way to survive! Over time, as you build trust with yourself, you can learn to regulate it with discernment (vs. flipping between on and off).
I am so angry at myself because I end up in the same relationships and trying to see the good rather than the red flags. I am going to counseling because I feel trapped.
Hi D, It takes courage to reach out for help from a counselor—it’s such an important step! I pray you will shift from anger toward curiosity and compassion toward yourself as you heal and become the person you long to be.
This is an outstanding post! I love the way you advise adding clarity & courage to balance these two good qualities of empathy & loyalty!!
Thank you for this information. I have felt stuck in this empathy trap my whole life. Even when God has told me to let go of a specific person, I struggle to do so because of the empathy and loyalty. I walk through life wanting to love on people and end up feeling used and abused constantly. Thank you for showing me there is a better way and showing me some tools to help me escape the trap. I have had to remove myself from most people in my life over the last 3 years because the level of toxic traits were invading the few boundaries I had. I pulled back to learn how to set boundaries. I am getting better at it. And as I am looking at integrating back into some family relationships on a limited level this blog helps me greatly that not everyone is going to see all I see because they don’t have my same giftings of empathy and loyalty. But, now I know I have to take courage with me to make it safe and healthy for all involved, especially me. Thank you again for sharing. It was just what I needed to hear.
Story of my 30yr marriage to a narcissist, wkg any extra shift my nursing office needed covered, wkg myself sick-no sleep, eating, etc. When I told wk after the divorce-(he filed, had gf on side for a while) that I wouldn’t be wkg ANY/ALL shifts they needed, that I would be taking time for myself, so I was warning them now. They’re not too happy. Told them to deal w/ it. Am taking off wk for 1st time in yrs! Has helped tremendously to get times of refreshment!