Have you ever dealt with a difficult person, such as a bully, a manipulator, or someone who was just downright mean?
I’ve counseled hundreds of women in these types of agonizing relationships. Yet, one of the first things these ladies will ask me is:
Shouldn’t I turn the other cheek?
Isn’t that how we’re supposed to deal with challenging people?
Were you taught that idea as a young woman? Do you still hear it preached today? If so, let’s look at what the phrase, “turn the other cheek” really means. Here is how Jesus said it in the Bible:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matthew 5:38-39).
When this verse is taken out of context, it implies that Jesus is saying if someone harms you, simply take it. Or, even worse, continue to ask for more.
But, we know that Jesus is never as superficial as he is often made out to be. In fact, the more I read the Gospels, the more amazed I am by the bold, counter-cultural ways Jesus acts. So, let’s look more deeply.
In many ways, this phrase has been used to suggest that as a Christian you are supposed to put up with abuse and mistreatment. The idea is that by “turning the other cheek,” you will somehow “love” the offending party into seeing the error of their ways. Your loving response will prompt them to change.
In real life, though, circumstances often don’t work out that way. Imagine telling someone to “turn the other cheek” in these situations:
- Your husband is abusing you.
- Your boss is harassing you or discriminating against you.
- Your friend is manipulating you.
- Your child is being bullied repeatedly at school.
Just take the pain. . . be the bigger person. . . your love can change them.
Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. In fact, the other person will usually keep taking advantage of you or your loved one. It’s foolish to pretend otherwise.
And, we know Jesus is no fool. In fact, “turning the other cheek” may be one of the most misunderstood teachings that Jesus ever spoke, especially as it relates to the challenges many women face.
Turning the Other Cheek: A Brave Countermove
It’s so important to understand this passage on a deeper level. When Jesus says to turn the other cheek, he does not mean to invite more abuse. His message here is much more subversive than that.
Rather, in context, to turn the other cheek is a demonstration of strength. Theologian N.T. Wright unpacks a subtle, but powerful lesson on boundaries implicit in this passage. Here is what he says:
“To be struck on the right cheek, in that world, almost certainly meant being hit with the back of the right hand. That’s not just violence, but an insult; it implies that you’re an inferior, perhaps a slave, a child, or (in that world, and sometimes even today), a woman. What’s the answer? Hitting back only keeps the evil in circulation. Offering the other cheek implies: hit me again if you like, but now as an equal, not an inferior.”1
Think about that for a minute. Seen in this light, turning the other cheek is a brave countermove. It’s not being a doormat. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Turning the other cheek is a way of standing your ground, communicating “You will not belittle me. You cannot take my dignity.” It’s countering bullying from a position of strength.
Think of it this way: Imagine if someone came up to you in the middle of your church, work, or mom’s group and berated you publicly. What if you stood your ground calmly, stared them straight in the eye, and said clearly so that everyone could hear, “Is there anything else you have to say to me?”
Who would look like the fool in that scenario? Who would look strong?
Turning the other cheek is not a way of saying, “just keep hurting me.” Rather, it’s a way of standing firm in the face of abuse and mistreatment from a position of strength. It’s a similar tactic Martin Luther King, Jr. would use in his non-violent protests. Instead of fighting back, he simply stood his ground in brave acts of defiance, daring his enemies to show even more of their true colors. It’s the opposite of being a doormat. And, it’s extremely effective.
When Jesus said to turn the other cheek, he was not advocating for spinelessness, nor was he advocating for you to take the offending party off the hook.
What Jesus is showing us here is an extremely profound way to take a stand. He’s saying: Anchor yourself in the truth of who you are and the truth of who I am. Stand your ground on what is right. Actions speak loudly.
Now, that my friends, is a powerful boundary.
Examples of Turning the Other Cheek
First, I want to be clear: if you are being physically abused, please seek help. For various support groups and crisis telephone numbers, check out the resources page of my website.
But, if you are someone who is learning how to stand up to more subtle forms of toxicity, you might practice “turning the other cheek” in light of this new approach. Here are some examples of how:
- Simply do not respond. No response is a powerful response. For example, if your spouse baits you, stand firm in the power of your silence. It speaks volumes.
- Name what is happening with confidence. If you get a snide comment from a friend, look them straight in the eye and say, “That was a rude comment. Is there more where that came from?”
- Clarify the choice they are making. For example, you might say to your mother-in-law, “Is that really how you want to talk to me?” A little attitude in your voice won’t hurt anyone.
This way of standing up for yourself is easier said than done. But, it’s important to see the strength in these examples. You are not asking for more mistreatment. Instead, by “turning the other cheek,” you make it very clear that you know exactly what is happening and exactly how you feel about it. In some cases, it’s helpful to think of that bully as if they were a child. (They are acting like one!) They can’t actually hurt you. So don’t give their toxic behavior more time than it deserves.
I once worked with a client who was constantly being taken advantage of by a colleague. She didn’t like it, but she didn’t know how to get it to stop. Finally, it came to a head. A project she had done most of the work on had been accepted at a conference. Yet, he wanted to present all of it.
She’d had enough. She anchored myself in the support of safe people. The next time they met, she mustered up her courage and said, “I know you’d like to present the project. But that won’t work for me. I’ll be presenting my portion of it.”
Sure enough, the blows started to come. She could see his face turn red as they stood facing each other. He accused her of being selfish, foolish and said that she couldn’t handle it. Each time he levied an accusation, she calmly said, “Is there more?”
Finally, he exhausted himself as he spewed out all of his best efforts to get her to fold. When she could tell he was finished, she paused, lifted her chin and completely ignoring the tantrum she’d just witnessed, simply repeated her boundary. “So, it’s all set, then,” she said. “I’ll present my part of the presentation.” Then, she turned on her heel and left.
I’m not sure that he ever understood how toxic that conversation was, or the hundreds of boundary violations leading up to it. He didn’t apologize, but he never hassled her again.
The truth is: she didn’t need him to understand, and she didn’t need his apology, though of course it would have been nice. She’d gained something far more important to her.
She’d gained her dignity.
She discovered the feeling of finally saying “Yes, I am worth more” and standing up to a manipulative bully. It doesn’t work to coddle a bully, nor does it work to yell, argue, or defend. You likely won’t make them understand.
What does work, is to “turn the other cheek,” lift your head high, and meet them as an equal. In doing so you draw a line in the sand. . .a line that says “you can try, but you can’t cross me.”
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” —Matthew 10:16
1 From N.T. Wright, Matthew For Everyone Part 1: Chapters 1-15, p. 51-52. (John Knox Press, 2004).
For Further Reading:
Are you Really Supposed to Die to Yourself?
Church Hurt and 4 Steps for Healing
Alison,
Once again such timely wisdom…and such an answer to prayer, especially with the holidays coming up! I’ll have to re-read this every morning for a week. 😊
It’s hard to believe that even in the counseling world, there are people that behave that way. But we’re all sinners so I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise.
One question: can you talk more about this line? “I anchored myself in the support of safe people.” I’m sure it’s multi-layered but in this time of the pandemic it’s even more of a challenge to do that.
So thankful for you, your life, and the work you do. ❤️
Thank you, Karen. I appreciate this question. Anchoring yourself in support might mean checking in with a trusted friend before and after the conversation, going over what you plan to say beforehand with a counselor, or asking for prayer from a small group. We all need encouragement, support, accountability, and another set of eyes and ears to help us stay brave!
I believe I can learn a lot from this thank you
I’m grateful. 🙏🏻
Thank you from my whole heart for all the work you’ve done on yourself moreover the raw sharing of it!!!! This is going to be a big game changer in my life. Prayers needed as I practice this!!
Thank you so so much for unpacking this scripture! I’ve known to speak truth in love, and to turn the other cheek has not been in alignment to confirm this until now!! God bless you!
Thanks, Terri. I pray for courage, strength and Spirit-led wisdom as you lean into the life God has for you. 🙏🏻
I am worthy an I am standing my ground to many who have used me an it’s stirring up alot around here. For me in a liberating an healthy way. For them u can see the confusion bc what use to work is not. Thank you so much for this article. Your wisdom an guidance is taken in an now I have more biblical tools JESUS backs up rather then me walking around letting people use me an walk over me. NOT TODAY SATAN.. JESUS WINS
Amen, Erica!
This is just what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you!
So grateful you found it helpful, Robin.
Wow! I am so encouraged by what your deeper look at this scripture reveals. Thank you for offering a clear view of how this new understanding can impact our reactions to toxic situations! Your insights are a blessing! So incredible to see you using your gifts in such a meaningful, powerful way!
Thanks so much, Kellie Jo. Much love and prayers to you!
You are worthy. This is a wonderful blog reminding us that we can turn the other cheek without allowing the manipulation or abuse to continue. ..YES, Not today Satan! Jesus wins!
For me it was being married to an unfaithful husband for 33 years, trying to “turn the other cheek” meant going for counseling over and over and over. It meant “forgiving and forgetting”. Everything in me was determined not to get a divorce, because I know it breaks God’s heart.
I drew the line asking him to go to counseling where he knew we would have to deal with the real issues, which unbelievably had never been brought up, like “Why do you think you have been unfaithful?”.
He said he no longer believed in counseling.
It is heartbreaking to me, but we are divorced.
I was told and I believe that God loves me more than He hates divorce.
Amen sister! Ditto on all of it, God doesn’t want any of His children to stay in abuse. That’s not His intention in marriage. I’m glad you set that example of saying no to it. Your husband saw your faithful example all those years and God will use that in his life, but that’s God’s responsibility, not yours. I’ve been free after 32 years of abusive marriage. Still healing, probably will take years, but that’s ok. God is faithful and He has a plan for his for me, and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope. God bless you
I am so sorry, Jami. God absolutely loves you more than he hates divorce. Much love and light to you as you heal. 🙏🏻
Thank You For Sharing This. I have been in a few
Abusive relationships, physically, mentally, socially, I Believe God Gave me the help I needed, to get loose from them
Now,. I depend on God Who Is Faithful & Truly Loves Me, For Who I Am. As a child, I was disciplined with a belt. I flunked P.E.
Because I was scared to get dressed & they would see the marks from the belt, on my legs. I’ve never felt wanted or loved, I could not understand this as a child growing up. It may not have been right, but this was how my dad was raised, so I guess he just thought of it as discipline. Our parents should be our example to follow.
But, I did not repeat his treatment on my children. I believe that is where my dysfunctional behavior began as a child. I then got into abusive relationships. Everybody wants to be accepted & loved. I Found That Love, IN JESUS CHRIST.
I’m so sorry for your experience, Wendy. I’m so grateful you have discovered the powerful love of Jesus and pray for ongoing healing as you claim the life he wants for you.
My daughter has been dealing with this exact thing and I was totally unsure of how to help her. I’ve misinterpreted that verse a million times and taught her how to be a doormat instead of how to stand. Thank you so, so much!! We will both learn a lot from this timely message. Love the “how tos” very much!! So many times I get told what is wrong but not any ideas on what to do for change. God bless you!!
I’m so glad you found this helpful, Amy, and that you can share it with your daughter. 🙏🏻
I loved this.
I sure do appreciate the way you explained it. It’s really healthy to stand up for yourself.
Thank you a million times for sharing! 😉
Yes, your dignity is worth standing up for!
Thank you Alison for your excellent insight into this topic of “turn the other cheek “. I learned a lot, timely, and the suggestions welcomed. Thank you again.
So grateful you found it helpful and timely!
Thank You for the clarification. This helps me not feel like I am doing something wrong when all I am trying to do is preserve my dignity.
Thanks, Becky. I’m glad it was encouraging to you.
I’ve seen your blog but never read it until today , it was time. Thank you for addressing this misunderstood verse. My dad was a First Church of God minister , that group is very strict. Some still don’t have tv’s. I won’t even go into my childhood except to say it was abusive in every way starting at age two. Marriage was a rude awakening and a doormat I was , but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t right. Needless to say we got divorced . I learned to say thank you to insults , learned to say no and not be around people that feel the need to hurt and belittle others. My grandson ( whom I have raised ) and his wife live with me and the only way out of this abusive situation is for me to move . While I would gladly do if I could afford it , i’m 65 and have some health issues . Please pray for me and my situation and that God will convict my grandson . He is full of hate and anger at everyone. Y’all have a Blessed weekend.
Praying that the Lord hold you up with strength and wisdom and continue to heal you in every way. 🙏🏻
This is excellent. Thank you, Alison!
Thanks, Julie!
Alison this was gold. Love your book by the way! The way you integrate the word of God with psychology is so needed.
Thanks, Heidi. I’m so grateful you enjoyed Boundaries for Your Soul!
Thank you, Alison. I tried all ways to resist the verbal and emotional abuse of my husband. After four years hearing the worst things about me and my family, I have asked him to leave the flat. He definitely does not understand my pain and perspectives, he does not listen to me. I think this is the only helpful solution.
I’m so sorry for what you have endured, Sandra and pray for healing and strength as you bravely move forward. 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this article. We needed this. 🙏🏻
Excellent explanation of what “turn the other cheek” means! Thanks for sharing!
Wow!!!! My mind is blown! This was so helpful to me and I immediately went to my husband to read it to him. We used to be such people pleasers and took years of spiritual abuse until we realized our worth in Christ. Thank you for this amazing post. I can’t wait to share it!
Thank you so much for what you do! I just came out of the fog around 1,5 years ago. The painful truth is that my mother might be a borderline. All my life I tried to save her and it never worked. There is nothing I can do to change her. I can only take responsible for myself, heal and make the most of my life. Telling my story helps me and hopefully others. I am so glad that there are helpful resources out there like your website!
Josi
Thanks for writing this Alison! I’m not a Christian but I love your articles, especially the practical examples. They helped give me language (for my own sake) to the subtle toxicity I have been experiencing in my marriage and also showed me how I can set boundaries, without abandoning myself in the name of self-improvement.
Thank you for this explanation of the verse. I have always heard it being described as basically becoming a doormat out of “Christian love”. Anyway, my short story is, I come from a fairly toxic family. Recently my brother’s wife (who hates me) convinced him I was lying about sexual abuse in my early childhood. Not only that, I found out he apologized to my abuser for “ever doubting him”. After finding out about this, I was devastated! I wrote to him and stuck up for myself (because my parents never did). Told him I didn’t appreciate what he and his wife did to hurt me. When my parents caught wind of my message to him, they told me how disgusted they were with me and needed time to “process” the anger I showed him. I was utterly floored by the double-standard. I told them I needed space and I would be distancing myself from them because I just could not accept their behavior towards me. This is not the first time they have turned against me. When I told them of my abuse many years ago, I was told to keep it secret so as to not “break up the family”. This article gives me the freedom I have needed for so long to not have guilt over distancing from toxic family members❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. I came to this forum looking for biblical understanding after years of not being about to set and hold boundaries to toxic and emotionally abusive family. Being told I’m the weak one who won’t “get over it”. I am so over this form of emotional trauma and ready to sever all ties in a bold attempt to save my own mental wellness. Enough! God help us all as we heal from trauma and learn to set and hold boundaries.
Dear Michelle, it is the hardest thing when those we love either don’t believe us or choose not to. I pray you will find the peace and love you deserve , despite this.
Thankyou for your words Allison, I believe they are transforming my experience as they give me hope.
You talked about what you do to protect your dignity, but how do we transform the other person? what is the treatment for the bully or the abuser or the selfish person?Is a treatment possible? If yes, how?
You can’t control or transform another person. You can only take charge of yourself, set the boundaries you need, and work on healing. It’s a very painful reality to accept, but so necessary.
Wow! I needed this! After years of not turning the other cheek I finally did with some family members a couple of months ago. The results of that were nothing but hatred. I am no longer welcome to the family members house all because I calmly stated that I didn’t appreciate the way they talked to me. That led to me leaving and driving 5 1/2 hours back home. I feel like I have gained my dignity and have a backbone to finally say I have had enough of the toxic behavior.
Wow! I have never heard it put in such a way that now I can try this and not ask God to forgive me because of my thoughts about that bully or friend who said something so hurtful not understanding why people hurt other people. Now I understand about the firey tongue. And what it means to say less. And to stand my ground without making the same mistake! Thank you so much!
Amazing! I have never heard it put in such a way that now I can try this and not ask God to forgive me because of my thoughts about that bully or friend who said something so hurtful not understanding why people hurt other people. Now I understand about the firey tongue. And what it means to say less. And to stand my ground without making the same mistake! Thank you so much!
This is the best explanation of one of the most misunderstood verse I have come across! Thank you for explaining it correctly, giving N.T. Wright’s citation AND using a personal story to round it out. While Jesus did speak in parables, I know that this one got lost in translation so many years ago to where it means exactly opposite of what He meant. But knowing the Gospels and learning of His character, He was anything but a weakling. It would be totally opposite of His character to advise anything like we have misunderstood it to be today.
My experience with being a target for constant abuse originates from psychopathic time travelers and it is unstoppable. Turning the other cheek constantly makes zero sense. I get their 203 year advanced technology to perform it, with no end in sight. The abuse is both emotional distress, physical injuries, and constant surveillance from people I cannot see, but hear. This originated after I caught one in a residence due to my contacts with gods that their future knows about.
Absolutely amazing! Just confirming what God has been telling me. I will be okay.
I stood in front of my church and made a motion to nominate 2 women as elders, and explained, briefly, why. Immediately, one of the male elders stood up and said, She has not made a motion, call for the question.
Clear intimidation. Our minister did nothing. So I said, I HAVE made a motion. There was silence. Of course, my motion was defeated, but I won the “war”, because our nominating committee adopted rules to make our leadership more balanced because of age and gender……
as a follow up; one of the men on the slate took it personally that I made the proposal “against” him. I called him directly and reviewed my reasons again. He spoke out of his own pain that the church had not recognized him as an elder when he was a younger man. I said, Yes, my point is that you should have been considered years ago ! It is not just about women but also age. We are friendly now.
However, the price I have paid for standing up for myself has been tough. I do not fit the norms of ladylike church, and have been neglected by staff and some members during times of personal pain ( like my father dying….). So, it just shows that it is really hard to follow Jesus. Worth it, but hard…….