The most important gift you have to give your relationships is the ability to show up for yourself.
When you start showing up for yourself, you learn to see yourself as God sees you. This means that you start to engage yourself from the core, or center, of your heart (1 Sam. 16:7). You learn how to honor your needs, desires, gifts, and limitations. You start living as if who you are matters.
As a result of showing up for yourself, you will engage other people more authentically. Instead of working to please other people, you will start to see them at their core, too. You will begin to understand that sometimes what people think they want from you is not what they actually need. It’s no longer your primary job to react to the needs around you. Instead, you begin to enter in with intention.
Finally, as you learn how to show up for yourself, you will stop wishing for others to do the work that only you can do. No matter how wonderful your spouse, children, or friends are—at some point—you will come face to face with the fact that you are ultimately the one best suited to show up for you. The truth is that ultimately, you are best suited to know how to:
- Care for your body.
- Tend to your emotions.
- Acknowledge your growth areas.
- Identify and ask for the help that you need.
- Understand and align with your core values.
The more you know how to do that work well, the more capacity you have to create healthy relationships with other people. As you learn to fill yourself up with love, compassion, and beauty, guess what flows out to others? All of that goodness. Instead of giving from empty—you’ll start giving from fullness and strength. You will also know how to ask for what you need.
It’s hard to do the work of showing up for yourself, especially if the concept is foreign to you. In fact, many of us have been conditioned only to show up for other people. Unlearning that conditioning takes practice.
You may well understand how to bend over backwards to meet their needs, empathize with their pain, and constantly buoy them up. Sometimes, this is altruistic and helpful.
Often, it gets extreme.
How do you know it’s gotten extreme? Well, typically, you start noticing resentment. You start wondering:
- When will someone see my struggles?
- Why do they get to rest, while I’m over here working myself to death?
- How come no one ever asks about me?
When you notice yourself begrudging the very people you are trying to please, pay attention.
Something is out of balance.
It’s time to start showing up for yourself.
The Fruit of Faithfulness
There is so much written about self-care right now, that the message can get diluted. I want to situate this conversation in a spiritual context. I believe that showing up for yourself goes hand-in-hand with the fruit of the Spirit called faithfulness (Gal. 5:22-23).
Typically we think of faithfulness in terms of our relationship to God. You show faithfulness to God when you:
- Spend time with God regularly.
- Align your priorities with what God values.
- Seek to understand who God is.
- Honor God by nurturing the gifts and talents he gave you.
- Prioritize God’s body, which is the church.
We also think of faithfulness in terms of being faithful to an intimate relationship, especially a spouse. A married couple shows faithfulness to each other when they:
- Spend time with each other regularly.
- Align their priorities with each other’s values.
- Seek to understand each other.
- Honor each other’s individual gifts and talents.
- Prioritize each other’s bodies.
So, in light of all this, what might it mean to show faithfulness to yourself? Lean in, because while the concept may feel foreign at first, it’s actually very familiar:
- Spend time with yourself regularly.
- Align your priorities with what you value.
- Seek to understand yourself.
- Honor yourself by nurturing the gifts and talents God gave you.
- Prioritize caring for your body.
Do you see how that works? All three relationships matter. And, all three relationships weave together. As you show faithfulness to God, you learn how to become more faithful to yourself and others. As you show faithfulness toward yourself, you show up more authentically with God and with the people you love.
An Exercise in Showing Up For Yourself
The following questions are designed to help you think about how to stop pleasing others and start showing up for yourself.
1. Using a scale from 1-5, rate how well you show up for yourself in each of the following categories. (1= not at all; 5 = very well).
- Exercise and nutrition: “I show up to care for my body.”
- Emotional and spiritual health: “I show up to care for my inner life.”
- Relationships: “I honor myself in my relationships.”
- Work/Vocation: “I value the contributions I make.”
2. Choose one category that you want to focus on first.
You might choose the category that is the most challenging for you, or you might choose one that is in the middle. Regardless, be sure to choose a category where you can establish a clear next step.
3. Create a commitment statement.
Now, create one commitment statement based on that category. This is a commitment you will make to yourself over the next 30 days. It’s important that you make a commitment that you can keep, so start small.
Here are some examples from each category:
- I commit to showing up for my body by walking 30 minutes each day.
- I commit to showing up for my body by drinking X amount of water each day.
- I commit to showing up for my emotional health by journaling every morning for 20 minutes.
- I commit to showing up for my spiritual health by listening to praise music while I cook dinner.
- I commit to showing up for myself with a needy friend by limiting our interactions to 1 text a week.
- I commit to showing up for myself in my marriage by asking my spouse if he’d have coffee with me once a week.
- I commit to showing up for myself at work by making a list of 3 things I’m proud of each day.
Remember, pick only one commitment for one category. You can use one of these statements or create your own.
4. Stick to it.
Showing up for yourself is a process of staying faithful to simple practices. So, stick with this commitment you’ve made over the next month. Don’t beat yourself up if you blow it or skip a few days. Instead, stay curious. Notice what happened and see if you can get back on track.
5. Repeat.
Once you have successfully committed to one small step, choose another one and begin again with that one. This is how you build new habits that you can sustain over time.
The truth is that no other person can make you show up for yourself. No one can force you to stop pleasing them. This is a commitment that rests entirely on you. Start with small steps. Ask for God’s Spirit to help.
The good news is that as you show up for yourself, you will start to sense what it means that God cares for you. You’ll develop more confidence and courage at the center of your being. You’ll start living more aligned with how God made you. You’ll start to feel more present in your relationships, as if you have a voice.
The more you show up for yourself, the more grounded your love becomes. As you learn to sense your deepest, truest needs, you start to see others differently. You shift from pleasing them at all costs to authentic, courageous love.
His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ —Matthew 25:21
For Further Reading:
How to Get Over Your Fear of Disappointing Others
Are you really supposed to die to yourself?
Join the conversation. Leave a comment below:
What is one area where you need to start showing up for yourself?
Health; sanity
Praying for both.
Just what I needed after an extra long year- a route back to taking care of myself. Thank you!
So true – I love how you put this and pray your route back leads to much fullness of life.
Hi Alison, as I read this article I breathed such a sigh of relief for 2 reasons….
1. Because I have been wrestling with the knowledge that self care is necessary but so many of the conversations around the topic are either selfish in tone or judging self care as selfish (particularly in Christian circles). Showing up for yourself is such a helpful way to approach what is so necessary for us all
2. Much more personally, your article helped me recognise how far I’ve come since exiting an emotionally destructive marriage now almost 4 years ago
I am hugely thankful for forums like this that are so much more accessible than even 4 years ago. Thank you for your contribution
Thank you for this, Inica. I’m so grateful to know that this was helpful to you.
Thank you so much for this, Alison. You have put into words what I have been struggling to do all my life. I have always had an inner sense of how to take care of myself, mainly for self-protection. I have felt confused and disorientated when I have continued to be mistreated. I haven’t been strong enough to stand against opposition, not brave enough to show up for myself.
On becoming a Christian 30 years ago when my life fell apart as a result of early life trauma, church has taught me not to value my own self-care, but to deny myself and submit to what amounted to abusive and harmful discipleship, to become ‘one of them’.
Only by disengaging from harmful church – not from God – for the last year have I been able to take care of myself. The healing I have experienced in simply being true to myself, spending time in activities that promote healing and recovery, has gone a long way to reverse the damage done. Excluding the harsh control of church has brought me so much closer to my Father. He has really helped me engage with the deep healing of trauma. I am encouraged to keep going even though it is painful at times, but so worth it to be strong enough to be, and affirmed in, my true self.
I am so grateful for what you have discovered this past year, Sue. I pray that you will continue to heal and uncover more and more of the beautiful soul God created in you.
Thankyou Alison,
I can see how I can do unselfish things for selfish reasons! I help out in a family problem trying to bring in peace how I can, when really it is because I HATE conflict! It looks so Godly on the surface, but I am really doing the work for me and my “peace”.
Thankyou for the idea of committing to taking small practical steps to change. Not sure what my first step should look like…….
Such great insight, Sherry. I pray you’ll have a sense of one small way to start showing up for yourself.
Here is a quick synopsis of my adult life: put my first spouse who I married at age 19 through seminary; raised our 5 children; divorced and remarried a much younger person who has largely conflicting views with me on just about everything (and yet we’ve pretty much worked it out for 27 years); spent 10 years with him caring for my physically and emotionally ill mother until her death. I have spent the last two years doing a major remodel of the dump of a house she left me, all the while working security in a large urban hospital Emergency Department until I retired last November. Oh, need I also mention– I have been battling bipolar disorder for many years. During the pandemic, I have checked up on all my friends and family, and hardly anyone ever called to check up on me. I guess I have the deserved reputation of being a tough and unkillable old b***h. They instinctively knew I was just fine. I had built up a lot of resentment–I thought I was entitled to it. Only God’s protection and my regimen of self-care have kept me alive and out of jail or the mental hospital. Through keeping myself healthy physically (healthy eating, exercise, sleep, hydration), mentally (keeping busy, always learning and growing….oh, and medication), and (the one thing I neglected for too long) spiritually (through prayer and meditation I am learning to FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE myself and others daily.) It has been a long, and insane ride, but grateful for it with no regrets.
This was a very helpful post with practical application steps: I particularly liked the emphasis on just one action step commitment for 30 days for one area. I tend to overthink, so that felt do-able and encouraging too. Thank you!
That’s the goal – pick something do-able so you get that first glimpse of what it’s like. You can build from there!
I’m working on my interactions with people. God bless you Alison. Your anointed. This is confirmation for me.
Many prayers, Candace. Keep doing the hard work.
Thank you Alison for your wisdom. I love how you explain topics in a professional level correlated with spirituality. May God continue using you , and blessing you and your family. 🤍
I just want to say that this article is just want I needed to read. I’m fortunate to have stumbled across your IG and subscribe to your email list.
After reading this article I realized I need to seek to understand myself, my emotions, and all that is me. This includes showing up for myself in my relationship with my boyfriend.
I’ve struggled putting my needs into words in the past and that is something I’m working on and with God’s help I’ve been able to! ☺️
It is true , sometimes we are conditioned to take care of others first..
I remember when I was a child, my mom sent my brother and I to live with my grandparents for a while and I vividly remember family members telling me “ Take care. Remember to take care of your little brother. Take care of each other, always” . I heard this countless times and now I think this is one of the reasons why I subconsciously think “ I have to take care of (someone)”. I feel like I was given a mom role at the age of four! Always thinking of others before myself .
Thanks to this article, I’m able to reflect and see where I need to seek to understand myself, and be “faithful “ to myself. I LOVE IT!! I’ve never seen it that way.
Once again, a thousand thank yous , Alison and everyone else for sharing your thoughts and experiences! ✨😊
Thank you for sharing this, Rebecca. What a powerful memory—one that reflects a powerful message that still impacts you to this day. I’m glad you’re beginning to shift that message by reflecting more on what you might need, with God’s help.
Oh I how I wish I had this sooner! This is very helpful and has helped me ask some hard questions – especially as it pertains to my role and my parents/siblings. My parents came to live with my family 5 years ago and I naively – ignorantly did not take in the ramifications and boundaries needed in having roles reversed. Through prayer and reading, I am realizing I am not responsible for everything! Right??!! Goodness I need to be hit over the head. 🙂
I truly am grateful for you writings – they have deepened my understanding of myself, my relationship with God and others. Thank you.
Wow just wow, speaking deep to me, thank you ✝️
Thank you so very much for this blog. It really cut me to the heart the part that says not one person can show up for me in my life ( my paraphrase) and the grace that immediately followed, I feel in a way starting all over with my true love Jesus , thank you.