Have you ever felt trapped in the web of somebody’s words? No matter what you say, this person takes your words, spins them into something else, and uses them to get you to doubt yourself or do things you do not want to do. For example, a conversation might go something like this:
You: “I’m sorry, I can’t make it tonight.”
Them: “You told me you could.”
You: “I don’t think I said that I could make it.”
Them: “Yes, you did. You promised you would be there. Now, you’re backing out.”
The truth is that you did not say you would make the event. But, this person is masterful at spinning a lie to trap you and make you feel like you are the one who has done something wrong. This tactic is a form of manipulation called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which your reality or experience is systematically and intentionally invalidated. It’s when someone uses lies and deception in order to manipulate you. Someone who gaslights constantly questions your word or your perception of reality.
Make no mistake: a gaslighter is not doing this in order to help you or as a collaborative effort to arrive at shared truth. Instead, they are questioning you in order to gain power over you. Their goal is not to help; it’s to make you feel crazy, weak, or dependent. A gaslighter wants something from you, and they use deceptive tactics to get it.
And, while the term is new, the behavior is as old as the sun.
Gaslighting in the Bible
In fact, the Bible has a very specific word for the person who consistently engages this strategy: Fool.
According to the dictionary, there are 2 key qualities that describe a fool:
- Fools are unwise.
- Fools are deceptive.
Let me be clear: fools are not necessarily unintelligent. They are unwise. There is a big difference. Instead of relying on honesty, sincerity, and healthy vulnerability to get what they need and want, a fool resorts to tricks, deception, and manipulation.
And, the Bible has more warnings against foolishness than almost any other topic. Here is a small sample:
- Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth. (Proverbs 18:2)
- Fools are headstrong and do what they like. (Proverbs 12:15 MSG)
- Liars secretly hoard hatred; fools openly spread slander. (Proverbs 10:18)
- The words of a fool start fights. (Proverbs 18:6)
- The wise watch their steps and avoid evil; fools are headstrong and reckless. (Proverbs 14:16)
- [Fools] leave a wake of wrecked lives and lies about God, turning their backs on the homeless hungry, ignoring those dying of thirst in the streets. (Isaiah 32:5-7)
In other words, here is what the Bible says about fools:
- Fools don’t care about thoughtful discourse.
- Fools don’t care about respecting you.
- Fools will harbor bitterness and gossip about you.
- Fools are more interested in starting fights than in listening to you.
- Fools are reckless.
- Fools don’t care about those who are hurting.
Lesson #1 in today’s blog post is this: Do everything you can to not be a fool.
How do I Respond to Gaslighting?
If you’re dealing with someone who behaves in this manner, it can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. Typically, when I work with people who are dealing with gaslighters, they are consumed by the following question:
How can I get them to understand me?
The answer is that you can’t. Read through that list of what the Bible says about fools again. Someone who consistently behaves in this manner is not interested in understanding you.
So, what do you do? Well, thankfully, the Bible also has a lot to say about how to interact with fools.
1. Limit your words and interactions.
- Escape quickly from the company of fools; they’re a waste of your time, a waste of your words. (Proverbs 14:7)
- Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words. (Proverbs 23:9)
- Don’t respond to the stupidity of a fool; you’ll only look foolish yourself. Answer a fool in simple terms so he doesn’t get a swelled head. (Proverbs 26:4-5)
In other words, “less is more” when it comes to communicating with someone who is consistently gaslighting you. You will not win a war of words. Instead, limit your communication to the necessary facts. Resist attempts to explain or get them to understand you. Actions speak louder than words.
2. Let the foolish person suffer his/her own consequences.
- Fools are undone by their big mouths; their souls are crushed by their words. (Proverbs 18:7)
- The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! (Galatians 6:7)
This is a hard one for those of who want to show empathy and care. But, one of the most loving things you can do for someone who is headed down a road of deception and destruction is to let them suffer the consequences. One of the best examples of this is the Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke Chapter 15. In this parable, the father gives the son his inheritance, even though it’s a foolish request. Somehow, this father knew that his son would not listen to reason in this case. My guess is that he’d tried numerous times to reason with him prior to letting him go his own way. He finally decides to let him suffer his own consequences. There’s a lesson here for all of us who care for someone who is choosing whether to walk in the way of wisdom or foolishness.
3. Stay anchored in your own integrity.
- A fool lets it all hang out; a sage quietly mulls it over. (Proverbs 29:11)
- But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. (Galatians 6:8)
Above all, stay true to the work of God’s Spirit in you. Focus on the activities and relationships in your life that ARE bearing fruit. Don’t let the fool rob you of the good works God has given to you to do.
4. Surround yourself with wise people.
- Wise people take advice. (Proverbs 12:15)
- Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces. (Proverbs 13:20)
If you have to deal with a gaslighter on a day to day basis, it is critical that you surround yourself with good people who love you and bring out the best in you. You will need reminders of who you are and whose you are. Wise people help you anchor yourself in what is true, noble, and good. They form a hedge of protection around you heart, soul, mind, and body.
5. Trust in God’s justice.
- No more will fools become celebrities, nor crooks be rewarded with fame. For fools are fools and that’s that, thinking up new ways to do mischief. (Isaiah 32:5-8)
- Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. (Galatians 6:7)
Read that again: No one makes a fool of God. It can be hard to know that someone is lying about you or gossiping behind your back. But, at the end of the day, the truth will win out. Take charge of what you can: limit your words and your interactions, keep your own integrity in tact. Stay wise. God will handle the things that you can’t.
The good news is this: while the Enemy of our souls is the Father of Lies (John 8:44), we have access to the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Armour up with the help of friends, God, the Bible, and possibly a good therapist. Anchor yourself in your body and pay attention to the cues.
So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good.
At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit.(Galatians 6:9)
For Further Reading:
Gaslighting and the Importance of a Good BS Detector
Should I Turn the Other Cheek?
Trust in GOD’s Justice
In the book of Isaiah; GOD will cause fools to bear weeds and in those weeds the fool will dry up one day and be no more. (
Paraphrasing). Great blog! My 1st time commenting. Thank you!
This was such a good read and perfect timing for me! Thank you so much!
Stay truthful in the LORD be wise surround myself buy the Wise stay connected with GOD
I needed this today. It’s hard when the gaslighted is your spouse. Thank you .
I meant to write *gaslighter
Amy, your comment is 100% true. For those of us who are empaths, we fall “prey” to them, BUT GOD… He will provide a way of escape and He IS our ever present Help in the time of trouble. It has taken me so many years to realize that this is a spirit that we are powerless over, UNLESS we invite Him into our situation; inviting Him in to intervene on our behalf against the enemy who is prowling like a roaring lion seeking whom he can destroy. WE ARE NO LONGER his prey, because Jesus, Himself has prayed for us. He knew that there are those who seek to sift us. Amy, I am in partnership with you in prayer that God will keep us in perfect peace when we keep our minds stayed on Him. He made us, not the gaslighting fool. We are fearfully and wonderfully made and the enemy of our souls knows this very well. We are a treasure in our earthly vessels and the enemy can not occupy us. When we feel like the spirit of gaslighting is present in our husbands, God, we pray that He protects us and guides us to stand firm in Him while He works to give hearts of flesh to these men so that they may see His face. Amy, thank you for this post and to the writer of this blog, thank you for this post. Mostly, thank You Lord for Your word, may it give us strength in times when we feel weak and worn. Thank you for letting me post here, family. WE WILL OVERCOME THIS, BECAUSE WE ARE HIS! Take care, stay healthy, and blessed.
~Anjeleigh
Well said, Amen! xoxo 🙂
Anjeleigh! This is a terrific response! Thank you for your comment!
I didn’t indicate it, but my previous reply was to Amy AND it was soooo long and so late at night that I didn’t proof read…lots of typos!
Such a great point you make about those of us who are empaths. I so desperately wanted and still want my husband to understand me and where I’m coming from that it’s extremely hurtful when he refuses to listen to me, minimizes me, says “but those are just your feelings” or, “that’s just your perspective” all while impressing upon me how important his feelings are.
I often feel like it he operates on “rules for thee and not for me.”
I believe you’re right, if I weren’t such an empathetic person who is very passionate about many things especially getting my point across, it would be so much easier to ignore the foolishness on his part. Nevertheless, reading a chapter of Proverbs a day, visiting regularly with a faith-based therapist, praying for God to help me walk thought this, praying for God to open my husband’s heart, and talking to my sister have all really helped me.
It sure is but God’s grace is sufficient, He will walk us through it.
Exactly.
This is a terrific blog and very timely. I used to feel so crazy trying to get him to understand where me and how he was making me feel. I was, and still am sometimes, meet with a minimizing of my feelings and twisting things so that I’d get confused in my head during a conversation and try to recuperate and be understood only to be scolded for interrupting him. He’d rattle off several things I was doing, when in actuality it was him doing it. The note I tried to explain the worse it got. Anyhow, For so long I desperately wanted to know why he was doing that to me. And why he rejected that he was doing it (gaslighting and twisting things) to me at all. I’ve since come to learn that he is hurting very much inside. He’s never told me that, but he must be. There’s something wounded inside of him that causes him to lash out verbally and then behave as though he didn’t do anything. I’d be hurting and he’d be going about his business like he did nothing hurtful the next day….but no matter how much I tell him he’s hurt me he’s more into his own self-preservation than he is about feeling badly about his behavior and seeking forgiveness…people who think they’ve done nothing wrong or hurtful don’t ask for Forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness would be an acknowledgment that you did something wrong which he doesn’t think he has so patiently wait and ask God to bring him to a place of repentance. In the meantime, I don’t love your feel crazy because I stand in my truth and I know what I’m feeling is it’s valid and that I was being made to feel crazy. I have a good therapist, a sister who I can talk to,
And I’ve been in the word consistently so that I can start each day with the full armor of God on! I also started praying in more meaningful ways for my husband and asking God to show me what I can do and what I need to change in my own heart to make the situation better.
Ohmygosh!!!! This is so affirming! I have ben thru hell with a gaslighter in my life, but I’ve made some hard choices, and have invited God into my place of anger and frustration, and now feel empowered not only with the strength to say “No more!” but with grace that says to myself, “You’re sick… I can’t fix you, so I’ll be quiet, listen, and do what’s best… ALWAYS… period!!!”
THANK YOU, Alison!!!!!!
I’ve been going through an impossibly hard time at the hands of a mother in law… I have been reading the proverb of the day (Proverbs 1 KJV on the first day of the month and so on) and have gotten so much wisdom by knowing that she was the fool. Thanks for this!!!! She has been lying, manipulating, stealing my scripture displays from my home, disrespecting me and my husband and my wishes for our children. Somehow I am always made to the bad one for having boundaries and for not being a well of forgiveness and chances. There comes to a point when you have to pull away for your own wellbeing and sanity.
This was very timely for me as well, I was just asking the Lord, what is truth, and your article came in my email. Thank you for putting a word/name to what I feel when speaking to certain members of my family, it’s so subtle, I always ask myself afterwards why do I feel so slimed, now I know and how to deal with it, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Ali!
Hi, struggling with relationship and my faith. Thank you for your blessings.
Love:
So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good.
At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit.(Galatians 6:9)
God bless you. This was a divinely timed read for me as I just escaped a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Do you have any blogs on that topic? Thanks in advance. 🙂
I was searching for examples of gaslighting in the Bible & found this. Thank you!!
Thank you, Dawn – we’re glad you found the article! We appreciate your feedback!
Amen 🙏. Just in time that I saw the article. The beauty of personality is important and it is not the face. Red flag was there but refused to accept. Too late