We live in a culture of gaslighting. That is, we live in a culture where people are adept at manipulating the truth to serve their own ego. It cuts across political parties, media, and even faith communities. It might have permeated your family. In today’s blog post, I will help you understand gaslighting, how it can show up in faith communities, and the importance of developing a good B.S. detector to withstand it.
The impact of gaslighting is that you start to doubt yourself, question your own experience, and ultimately question your own sanity. You start to feel any of these ways:
- Can I trust myself?
- What is true, anyway?
- Am I crazy? Or, is everyone around me going nuts?
It’s a psychological pandemic. And, it’s infecting faith communities.
What is spiritual gaslighting?
Spiritual gaslighting is when a person or faith community uses spiritual tools, such as God-language or the Bible, to cause you to question your own reality in order to retain power over you. This is spiritual abuse.
Here are some examples based on actual stories I have heard over the years:
You share with a church leader that you feel uncomfortable with the way a pastor talks about women. The response that you hear in return is: “You have an issue with authority. I’d encourage you to pray and ask God to change your heart.”
You confide in the members of your small group that you are struggling with feeling lonely. The response that you hear in return is: “You aren’t really lonely. You’re simply not trusting God enough.”
You share about feeling afraid of your spouse’s temper with your Christian counselor. The response that you hear in return is: “You must not be showing him enough respect.”
In each of these cases, you are sharing something vulnerable, and in response you are being told that your experience is invalid. You leave questioning yourself and wondering if YOU are the one with the problem.
The examples above are more overt. The truth is spiritual gaslighting happens in more subtle ways all the time. Whenever ego gets involved, we are at risk of gaslighting someone. It starts when someone uses white lies to cover their tracks—and—to put you on the defensive. Here are some examples:
- I didn’t borrow your phone—why are you always blaming me? (In fact, you did borrow the phone.)
- I’m not drinking! You have trust issues. (In fact, you have started drinking again.)
- I never said those things. You must have misheard me. (In fact, you did say those things.)
It’s bad enough as a form of manipulation. But, imagine adding spiritual language into it, like this:
- I didn’t borrow your phone—you need to address your meddlesome spirit! (In fact, you did borrow the phone.)
- I’m not drinking! Take the log out of your own eye. (In fact, you have started drinking again.)
- I never said those things. You need to ask God to help you listen better. (In fact, you did say those things.)
It’s soul-crushing for the person on the receiving end.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that moves beyond deception. It often starts with a lie, but it takes it one step further. It flips the narrative to put you on the defense. It’s a tactic used to gain or keep power.
The Antidote to Gaslighting
There are two key antidotes to any from of gaslighting, including spiritual gaslighting:
1.) Become a truth-teller.
This first one might sound simple, but unfortunately it’s hard to find truth-tellers in our image-driven world. Everything is “spun” from our news, to our advertisements, to our social media feeds. It’s hard to know what’s true, when everything is manipulated for an agenda. One of the best ways to protect yourself against gaslighting in the air around you is to become a truth-teller yourself. Work on being as honest as you can with yourself, with God, and with others. Honesty helps build up your own psychological immune system—it primes you to detect deceit and manipulation. Here are some things to work on to build up your own immune system:
- When you make a mistake, own it. “I did take your phone! I’m sorry I lied. I felt trapped in the moment, and I didn’t want you to be mad. It’s my fault for borrowing it without asking you.”
- If you don’t understand what someone is going through, get curious about their experience, instead of invalidating it. “I’m sorry you feel lonely. I’d love to understand your experience better. Could you tell me more about what that is like for you?”
- If you are struggling, find a safe place to be as honest as you can about it. “I’ve started drinking/worrying/ lashing out again. I don’t know how to stop, and I need help.”
- If you change your mind, acknowledge it. “I did say those things. I can see how that was confusing to you. I changed my mind for these reasons.”
Can you imagine if we lived in a world where our leaders were honest in these ways? How much more healing could occur? How much more whole would we be in our families, our churches, our world?
2.) Develop a good B.S. detector with the help of God’s Spirit.
Unfortunately, since we live in the midst of so much gaslighting, it’s important to develop a strong B.S. detector. When you learn to do this with God’s help, it’s what the Bible calls discernment, or the beginning of wisdom. Here are some ways to start developing your own Holy Spirit infused B.S. Detector:
- Learn to listen to your body. Your body is wired with a danger mechanism called the fight-flight response. It often gets out of balance as a result of trauma. However, its purpose is to help you detect danger. Notice things like a pit in your stomach, a tightness in your chest, or a racing heart. These physical sensations are signs that something has triggered your nervous system. Pay attention and take some deep breaths. Don’t immediately discount those responses. They might be important signals to heed.
- Develop a healthy relationship with your emotions. God gave you emotions like anger and fear for a reason. They help alert you to dangers in your environment. As you develop a healthy relationship to these important emotions, you can start to trust yourself with God’s help.
- Get help from people who are outside of your system. When you are swimming in water that’s toxic, so is everyone else in that same pond. Look for a lifeline outside of that water and start letting them know what’s going on in your family, work environment, or faith community.
- Test what you are being told against concrete data points. Get clear about your facts. Write them down and talk them through with a friend. Reality test your perspective against the Scriptures, science, and trusted advisers. Anchor yourself in the truth. For example, if you are feeling queasy with what is being taught in your faith community, ask yourself these questions:
- Is what you are being told practical?
- Does it help you or harm you?
- How would this approach impact the most vulnerable person you can think of?
Use your head. There is more in the Bible about wisdom vs. foolishness than any other topic. Don’t get caught in the snare of the fool.
Lastly, if you are experiencing gaslighting in your home or faith community, verbal engagement is rarely the solution. Proverbs 14:7 says, “Escape quickly from the company of fools; they’re a waste of your time, a waste of your words.” If someone is gaslighting you, create distance from them as best you can. Your words are a waste. They will go into their web, only to be spun out against you.
The good news is this: while the Enemy of our souls is the Father of Lies (John 8:44), we have access to the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Armour up with the help of friends, God, the Bible, and possibly a good therapist. Anchor yourself in your body and pay attention to the cues.
Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life.
—Ephesians 6:13-18, The MSG
For Further Reading:
What is Healthy Faith vs. Spiritual Bypassing?
Should I Turn the Other Cheek?
I am an LPC with over 30 years of experience. Your article is timely. The only issue I have is using the world’s vernacular of BS to express verbal garbage. I believe that we are told in Scripture to clean up our speech and thoughts. I believe that I need to be an example to others in what words I use.
I love this article as well. I also thought you should have used different verbiage than BS.
Thanks, Chandra. I appreciate your feedback.
I liked the use of BS. We all know what it means.
Thank you, Jo. It is hard to think of a better description – it’s so clear. (-:
👍
I agree
Thanks, Janice. I’m glad you found value in the article and I do agree about the importance of being cautious with our words. I’m typically pretty careful, but this one felt a bit more in line with a reference to “dung” (again, for lack of a better word) like what Paul uses in Phil 3:8. That being said, I hear you.
From a paper on the relationship between profanity and honesty: In three studies, we explored the relationship between profanity and honesty. We examined profanity and honesty first with profanity behavior and lying on a scale in the lab (Study 1; N 1⁄4 276), then with a linguistic analysis of real-life social interactions on Facebook (Study 2; N 1⁄4 73,789), and finally with profanity and integrity indexes for the aggregate level of U.S. states (Study 3; N 1⁄4 50 states). We found a consistent positive relationship between profanity and honesty; profanity was associated with less lying and deception at the individual level and with higher integrity at the society level.
Just another viewpoint.
This article is on point and very timely. I’ve encountered gaslighting many times in various churches. I would be emotionally hurt or bothered by what a leader said and have my whole experience invalidated. No talking things out or repair work. What is even more twisted is that most of these people are unaware of their own emotional realities and gaslight as a reflexive reaction. You are also right that it is worthless to talk to people within the community itself as they will tend to believe in and side with the leader and see you as the problem, which feels further invalidating. Figuring out what level of boundaries to set in such circumstances is challenging but very important for both mental and spiritual health..
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And, yes, establishing healthy boundaries is key.
That is fascinating!
Discernment guides are needed right now in our homes, neighborhoods, faith communities, and other communities. I have three people in my life right now who gaslight. Last night my mind was whirling about one of them. Your advice is good. I love that song by Lauren Daigle, “Losing My Religion.” Losing any religious spirit that elongates any spell of gaslighting in order to destroy a believer’s effectiveness on this earth is not God’s plan. Plead the Blood of Jesus, and fully and freely take the jump into our Father’s everlasting arms. Carry on Alison Cook, Ph.D.
Thank you, Jenny. You’ve put this so beautifully. Prayers for you in these relationships.
This was so helpful. I always felt the term gaslighting broad and undefined and this helped clarify the subtlety of how it is used in the faith community, especially the examples and how to respond.
I’m so glad it was helpful. Thank you for letting me know!
Thank you for another clarifying and insightful article. The words, including those in the comments, are similar to my experience (though I have zero substance abuse problems). I am married to a man with narcissistic tendencies who has a public persona honed professionally, and educationally. My anchor is the truest sense of the word, bringing to me clarification through a Biblical lense, and friends that futher guide. My anchor anchors us – our relationship – in God’s word, has really introduced me to Jesus, and encourages me to embrace my independent relationship with the Lord. I have a prayer partnership with one who means the best, may not realize it, but I think gaslights. She staunchly wants me to stay in my marriage. At a time, we were praying to brace myself if divorce necessary. But, then she stood rooted by the argument that Jesus hates divorce, and that I hadn’t tried everything yet. She will give account for me to God, she reminded me. So, I entered marriage counseling. No matter how “bad” I let her know things were, she seemed to be saying, its your yoke to bear.
This is drawing out, for me anyway, what’s in this article. I live in a real situation where getting out of my marriage seems nearly impossible because it feels like the church wouldn’t necessarily agree and as a stay-at- home mom with no private banking (my anchor gave me instructions on how to start to set up an account), I’d lose that place to lean into God’s word / community. I am 100 percent ready to move on from my relationship with the man with natural naracissitic tendencies. Though he tells anyone who asks his goal is to preserve his family, I cringe feeling owned like a slave, and worse feeling like “Jesus hates divorce” gives him the consideration. For a woman feeling enslaved it’s pretty awful when the man is treated as the head of the household, in that that woman now has no indepent voice or choice. I want to leave.
But I don’t know how on my own. I have two kids under 10, no access to private funds to get a place to live… I feel stuck. I realized that knowing the truth, I need help to practically, concretely leave and protect my custody of the kids. God says we can pray and ask for anything… I pray my anchor, who I’ve realized that I love, can be a “David” using honest one-to-one talks with my husband to loosen the grip, by being honest about our feelings, which I think are mutual, and ambically agreeing divorce can be a healthier option, and as Christians we would continue to share family ties. I could serve other women to recognize when situations like this occur and how to rescue their lives.
This is so hard, and I hear you. I pray for ongoing wisdom and discernment as you engage these complicated dynamics. If you need to increase your support, please check the many ideas on my resources page: https://www.dralisoncook.com/resources/.
I was in a marriage to a Narcissist and, like you, was afraid to divorce. Every pastor I tallked to was against divorce even though my husband was a serial adulterer. Jesus did allow divorce for the cause of fornication, but I was intimidated by the churches, especially pastors, who wanted to hold the family together since it all looked good on the outside. So I stayed for 49 years until my husband died rather unexpectedly 6 years ago. He had worked hard at devaluing me in the childrens’ eyes and turning 2 out of our 3 kids against me. He would never discipline, but turned parenting into a popularity contest. Whenever I disciplined he said or insinuated to the kids that I didn’t love them. One of our sons is now in a federal prison for 15 years because he grew up thinking he could live as he pleased because his father lived that way and undermined my authority at every turn.
Like you, I was a stay at home mom and my poor health (likely due to stress) prevented me from working outside the home. My narcissist husband threatened if I divorced him he would challege me in court for custody of the children. I now realize that I would have won the children and the house in court and that staying in the marriage was toxic for the kids. And my faith has grown strong enough to know that God would have provided for us had I divorced. I wanted to share my experience so you know that Narcissists have a very strong influence on the children who tend to follow the world instead of Jesus because it appeals to their flesh. Had I known what I know now, I would have divorced the Narcissist and trusted God who is always faithful.
Thank you Allison. I’ve heard the term “gaslighting” but never really understood what it was.
Thanks, Nancy! I’m glad it was helpful.
This is an excellent article on the subject. Thank you, Allison.
Thank you, Janelle.
Thank you, Alison. As always you got straight to the core of this dilemma. Spiritual gaslighting happened to me in 2017-2018. Still healing with a new, healthy church family, w/ Gods help. Would add Matthew 5’s words about not allowing our light from Jesus to be blown out by those around us, esp in a house of worship! This is my plumb line.
Keep giving your spirit filled wisdom to us. You are a blessing.
Thank you, Miriam! I love that addition of Matthew 5 in this context – what a beautiful image of the light holding steady amidst the winds.
My daughter is in a situation with her husband who is a gas light. I worry for her sanity
I’m so sorry, Rebecca, and I pray for you as you support your daughter. Please check the resources page of my website for ideas on how to get help: https://www.dralisoncook.com/resources/
Thank you for this article. I am disheartened to see that what most people are commenting on is the use of “BS”, that that is what captured their attention, vs the information so beautifully given, which is ironic to the subject at hand. As a pastor going through this struggle and finding myself questioning many things I have seen and felt, I appreciate this post and your heart to so eloquently post this. Thank you.
Thank you, Pastor Cam. Sending much prayer and kindness to you.
This was an awesome article. I thought the term BS was perfect. It’s what actually made me read the article, thinking someone was finally cutting through the crap. It gave me insight into a situation in my own life, where my deceased friend’s husband, who I believe, was complicit in her untimely death, is trying to convince me that I am imagining things. I know he is not only gaslighting me, but everyone who knew my friend. This article helped clarify that for me.