Question: People keep telling me that I need to forgive and move on in my relationship. I want to forgive, but does that mean I have to pretend like nothing happened? (Julie W.)
Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. How to forgive and move on in a relationship is often misunderstood. The short answer to your question is “no.” But, let me explain why.
Forgiveness does not mean that you ignore what happened. In addition, forgiveness does not mean you trust someone after the trust has been broken. Nor does it mean you continue to place yourself in harm’s way.
When you forgive someone, you simply release your right to get even. You let go of your desire to make the other person hurt in the way you did. You stop wishing them harm. Forgiveness often happens inside of YOU. It’s an attitude of the heart that restores you, but it may never restore the broken relationship. That part is up to them.
True forgiveness requires you to face what happened honestly, not gloss over the facts.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. As a young adult, I didn’t know how to hold others responsible for their behaviors, nor did I even think it was important.
I could usually understand why someone was misbehaving, even when it hurt me. So, I used to tell myself, “She’s lonely,” “I need to respond with kindness,” or “She’s going through a lot with her parents, so I can’t expect much of her in this situation.”
For the most part, I was praised for my kind ways. “You’re such a forgiving person,” people would say.
The problem is that I let myself get walked on. I ignored bad behavior in the name of being “nice.” That wasn’t forgiving—that was foolish.
True forgiveness is about releasing any hatred and resentment in your heart toward someone who has hurt you.
Forgiveness is not the same thing as mending a broken relationship. That’s called reconciliation, and reconciliation requires TWO people, not just you.
In fact, the ability to forgive often goes hand-in-hand with accountability. For instance:
- You can forgive someone AND maintain healthy distance.
- You can forgive someone AND have firm boundaries.
- You can forgive someone AND let consequences play themselves out.
When someone has hurt you repeatedly without showing remorse, forgiveness is something that occurs inside of you. I suggest these three helpful steps to start the healing process:
3 Steps to Forgive and Move On in a Relationship:
Step 1. Before you consider forgiving someone else, ensure that you are safe and far removed from the hurtful behavior
Think about it this way, when someone has hurt you repeatedly and shows no effort to change, you have two choices:
a. Continue to put yourself in harm’s way and grow increasingly resentful; or
b. Distance yourself from the other person and forgive.
Which option is better? Obviously, the latter. Once you’ve said “no” to being hurt, you can then use the space you’ve created to say “yes” to an attitude of forgiveness.
Step 2. Care for your own wounds
In many cases, forgiveness is much more about what goes on inside of you than it is about the other person. Remember, it’s about acknowledging and releasing anger, resentment, hostility, and pain.
However, don’t rush the “releasing” part. First, take the time to work through and heal the hurting parts of you. For example:
—Notice the emotions you’re feeling. What surfaces when you think of the other person?
—Extend compassion to yourself. Can you understand your negative emotions and why they’re there? Emotions pass. But, they do need to be acknowledged as valid. Something bad happened to you.
—Rebuild trust with yourself. What assurances do the hurting parts of you need that you’ll protect yourself going forward? For example, you might notice your anger soften a bit as you promise yourself you’ll limit exposure to the person who has hurt you.
—Talk to someone you trust. Check in with a family member, friend, or counselor who can help you process what happened. But, be careful of people who suggest that you rush the path to forgiveness. It takes time and effort to heal. It’s not helpful to put a band-aid on a gaping wound.
Step 3. As you tend to your own heartache, begin to release the resentment, anger and pain.
Releasing the negative emotions inside you is critical to the process. Look at the issue from these perspectives:
—Ask God to handle the justice. This doesn’t mean justice isn’t important; it just means you’re not going to pursue it anymore because pursuing it isn’t to YOUR benefit. At this point, you don’t deny what happened, you simply leave your desire for justice in God’s hands to work out. You might pray, “That person hurt me. But, I trust you to work out the details of righting the wrong your way, even as I take measures to protect myself.”
—Repeat as often as needed. When someone hurts you deeply without showing any remorse, then forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. Forgiveness may be something that you practice on a daily basis for a while. So, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a process.
—Imagine the challenging person as his or her best self. In some cases, especially if you have to be in ongoing relationship with this person, it can be helpful to release the other person to God. When you think of the person you’re forgiving, you might imagine that individual in the way that God MEANT for them to be. Then, pray that they grow in that direction. This does not mean you change the boundaries you have put in place. It can, however, help YOU shift away from negative emotions you are carrying.
You can forgive and still set healthy boundaries.
When you forgive and move on from someone who has hurt you, remember that you are not being mean. Nor are you trying to punish anyone. Instead, you are saying “no” to the harm, so that you can say “yes” to the health and peace you need in your own life.
You may never have a relationship with that person again. But, you’ll be able to replace any toxic hatred and resentment with the healing balm of joy and peace. Other people may never change, but YOU will be FREE.
For Further Reading:
How to Forgive When No One’s Asking For It
Join the conversation. Leave a comment below:
Do you wrestle with forgiveness after someone offends you? What aspects of forgiving do you find the easiest or the hardest?
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Excellent! Thanks for your contribution… I think much applies to men as well…
Thanks for your comment, John. Yes, forgiveness is most definitely something we all need to understand!
Allison, this was so well said and clear to easy understanding. Who hasnt struggled with this? I certainly have. It’s a practice and the more I do I, the easier it gets. There is one thing I’d like to ask though for some feedback on: although I find I can forgive a person, the little individual insults seem to be piling up inside of me changing my perspective of humanity and its not something I like or am proud of. I’m a Christian and the effects seem to be compounded because of this. Does this mean I haven’t actually forgiven or is there a larger scale of forgiveness that isnt always talked about? I’d love to hear input on this as this is alexactly where I am in my own spiritual journey.
This is a great question, Tara, and I’ll write more on it in the future. What you are describing has to do with healing (step 2), which is related to but different from forgiveness. Forgiveness won’t magically cure the wounds that were created. It just helps you come out from under the resentment toward the other person. Healing is a separate process that also takes time and attention. I pray you’ll find relief for the parts of you that are still reeling.
Gosh! This was SO helpful! THANK YOU! I also loved Tara’s question, and look forward to your perspective about the road to healing, once forgiveness has been done!
I am SUCH a feeler (4 on the Enneagram ?) so emotional wounds cut so deep,. They continue to nag and hurt long after my choice and determination to forgive has been accomplished!
Thanks, Sandy. I appreciate your self-awareness. (The Enneagram is such a helpful tool!) I’m working on some material right now on working with and healing painful emotions. Stay tuned. (-:
Excited to learn more about healing painful emotions. I have rejection issues. I have been told it is an “evil” spirit. However, I am sure it is part of my family of origin and I haven’t learned how to uproot it with my Jesus’ family traits.
Hi Lori, thank you for the note! Struggling with rejection is a common experience, and I will be addressing it in upcoming blog posts and webinars so tuned. (-: I am glad you have the wisdom to understand where it is coming from; and I’m cheering for you as you get closer to that root and find the freedom you desire!
This is so helpful Alison! Unlearning misconceptions of forgiveness that I grew up with implicitly & explicitly in Evangelical Christianity has been a difficult process. I’m going through a divorce that followed a lot of neglectful and hurtful treatment from my spouse that caused an overwhelming amount of resentment to build up inside me. I kept hearing the message over and over again that I just need to forgive him to “fix the marriage”. But it was hard for me to understand that because he showed at minimum a lack of understanding and empathy for the hurt he caused, and at worst showed no remorse and shamed me for my pain. People conflate forgiveness with reconciliation, and I was doing that too – to the point of berating myself for not being able to forgive. This article really is validating for me because it shows me that it is understandable to be unable to continue in a relationship with such chronic neglect and hurt. This really shows how a relationship/marriage can fall apart – after all, it’s hard to distance yourself from your spouse to prevent further harm and stay married at the same time.
Thank you!
I am so glad it helped. I pray for ongoing strength as you heal and care well for yourself.
My mother was an abusive alcohol most my life. A couple years ago I left my abusive husband. I live with my mom now ( and my two kids) because I can’t afford to live on my own. How do I set boundaries with her now that I am also her caregiver and live with her? Also how do I forgive her when I see her every day and she continues to be manipulative and dishonest? I love the Lord and know I have to forgive. This is really hard!
Hi Connie, I understand, and I pray for courage and wisdom as you care for your kids and take good care of yourself in this context. You can forgive and still set healthy boundaries, even when in close proximity. You might want to seek someone to journey alongside of you as you find your way one step at a time. Here is a list of affordable resources: https://www.dralisoncook.com/6-ways-to-set-up-a-support-network-and-why-it-matters/ I will also be teaching a webinar on how to set healthy boundaries with a challenging mom in the coming months.
I would suggest Lewis Smedes book The Art of Forgiving as a research source for your work. He has some excellent ideas to collaborate your work, which is sorely needed in today’s world.
Thanks, Carol!
Having worked with well over a thousand victims of violent and sexual crimes I think most of this is good advice with the exception of imagining the offender as their best self. It is not the victims responsibility to carry the shamelessness of their perpetrator’s actions (I won’t go into why they do here, but they do) and it certainly is not their responsibility to spend time imagining the perpetrator as his/her best self. That is the sole responsibility of the perpetrator and to suggest in any way that is something a victim should consider as a healing step serves rather, only, as a way for the victim to remain stuck in their own struggles from the event(s). I cannot disagree more with Dr. Cooks assertion. If the perpetrator decided to take corrective actions that is 100% their responsibility; but again, for the victim, their only responsibility it to their well-being and that well-being is not conditioned, at all, by her/his spending any amount of time on the actions, the past, the thoughts or the why’s of their perpetratot.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Jon. I agree with you on this important caveat, especially with regard to trauma and violence. It is never the victim’s responsibility to extend compassion toward their perpetrator. However, in some cases, when the offense is less extreme, or when the person is in an ongoing relationship with a challenging person (such as co-parenting or dealing with an aging parent), women have reported to me that it can be helpful to re-imagine the person as a way of creating a mental barrier. This is not to take the person off the hook or do their work for them. Rather, it is a way of caring for YOURSELF as you cope with ongoing toxicity.
This article is well-written and is practical in its application. I walked through these steps over the course of four days last week and I was finally able to forgive someone who hurt me and to release him. You thoughtfully and respectfully validated the hurt that had been done while offering a doable approach to healing and beyond. Thank you.
I am so grateful that this article helped in this way. Thanks so much for letting me know.