Posts by Alison Cook
The Empathy Trap
Sometimes the world can feel like a mess. The cruelty, the hatred, the gaslighting from every direction. The hidden agendas and loud, screaming voices. If you’re empathetic you feel all of it. You anticipate the pain of the people around you. You understand the hurt behind those who are misbehaving, even when their actions are...
Can a Boundary Become Unhealthy?
Vivian feels frustrated that her friend, Sue, constantly offers unsolicited advice about how she parents her children. However, she’s afraid of making Sue mad, so she doesn’t say anything. She tells herself it’s better to keep the peace in the relationship than risk offending her friend. John is fearful about trusting anyone and refuses to...
The Most Important Choice You Make Each Day
Every single day, every single one of us faces both the good and the hard that we see in ourselves. We’re human. And, we have a choice about which of two voices we’ll listen to. The first voice is shame. Shame tells us that we’re “bad”, that we’re disgusting and not worthy. Shame can feel...
Should I Become Less?
Have you heard the often-quoted verse: “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30)? Maybe you have heard this verse as a call to humble yourself or make yourself small. You don’t want to exalt yourself in ways that are selfish or detrimental. So you might try to “become less” in any of...
Will Setting Boundaries Make Me Cruel?
I hear this question often and it reveals a conundrum that many people of faith face when it comes to setting boundaries. Many of you feel that you have only two options when a boundary line has been crossed: a. Lash out and be perceived as cruel or selfish. b. Ignore the boundary foul and...
What to Do With Loneliness
I struggled with loneliness for years. And I did not know what to do with loneliness. In fact, I often felt as if it was a shameful secret I couldn’t tell anybody. I didn’t know that loneliness is a tender guide that could lead me to the connections I craved. The pain of loneliness is...
The Secret to Setting Boundaries
My client, Kay, was facing bullying at work. One colleague in particular was taking advantage of her. She didn’t like the way he treated her, but she didn’t know how to get it to stop. Each week, she would come into my office filled with anger, guilt, and shame. She’d fume about her colleague, and...
The Hidden Root of Toxic Behavior
You don’t really care about me. You only care about yourself. These words lingered in Mya’s mind as she came to my office for counseling. Earlier that week, her mother had lashed out at her—again. The truth was that Mya was trying to help her arrange for transportation to and from the hospital. But, her...
Is it Wrong to Focus on Myself?
As I’ve read and studied over the past few years, I am struck with two opposing messages that infiltrate our current cultural landscape. In the first message, you are taught to deny yourself in a way that I do not believe is of God. You are taught that you should bury your feelings, shrink, self-flagellate,...
Why Doesn’t God Just Fix It?
My son has gone off the rails. Our marriage is imploding. I can’t get my ex to stop spreading lies about me. Why are my parents so cruel to me? These are just a few of the stories that show up in my counseling office. I hear these stories from people who are working hard...
What are Self-Sabotaging Messages and How Can You Spot Them?
As you may know if you’ve been following along these past few weeks, I’m writing a book this summer. Shortly after signing the contract, I started noticing old self-sabotaging behaviors that I haven’t seen in a decade. Suddenly, the house was clean, old files were organized. I was even starting to sleuth through a random...
Gaslighting and the Bible: How to Respond When Someone is Manipulating You
Have you ever felt trapped in the web of somebody’s words? No matter what you say, this person takes your words, spins them into something else, and uses them to get you to doubt yourself or do things you do not want to do. For example, a conversation might go something like this: You: “I’m...
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