I was taught not to trust myself. After all, the heart is deceitful and wicked. For years, I second-guessed my every thought, feeling, or inkling. It felt wrong to listen to—let alone trust—my own instincts.
Instead, I did one of two things:
1.) I prayed for God to “just tell me” clear answers.
2.) I analyzed with friends ad-nauseam.
And, mostly, I stayed stuck. I sabotaged opportunities for happiness, and I shied away from leaning into my own wisdom and talents. I figured that since I couldn’t trust myself, it was better to play it safe.
That’s not trusting God. It’s hiding.
I didn’t yet know that I could learn, with God’s help, to trust the woman that God had made me to be. I didn’t yet know that learning to trust yourself is key to forging healthy relationships with other people.
Many of you were taught not to trust yourself based on a specific Bible verse that says, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked” (Jer. 17:9 NLT) The problem is that this verse is taken out of context. The very same prophet who declared this bad news about our deceitful state also foretold the good news about what would happen one day when Jesus would come. Just a few chapters later, Jeremiah prophesied the solution to this problem in the coming of God’s Spirit: “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts” (Jer. 31:33 NLT).
As humans, we are not “ultimately” trustworthy like God is. We fail all the time. But, we also have access to the spirit of God inside the beautiful soul that he made. We can become trustworthy people, even as we acknowledge our shortcomings. We can learn to trust ourselves, even as we ask for help in facing our blind spots.
However, as women, we don’t often hear, let alone see modeled, what it’s like to trust the spirit that lives within us.
We don’t feel that we can trust ourselves, so we give over to self-doubt.
For example, you might find it challenging to trust yourself to:
- Make a decision that goes against what is expected of you.
- Call out toxic behavior.
- See the red flags in a romantic relationship.
- Choose a path that aligns with how God made you.
Instead of learning that you have what it takes, you defer to those outside of you. You search for answers from your parents, friends, a pastor, or spouse. That works for a time, until one of them fails you. When all else fails you might pull out the old Magic 8 Ball (or Google) for help. You grow frustrated and weary of this cycle. But, you don’t know how to stop.
After all, if you can’t trust yourself, how can you really trust anyone around you?
It’s a terrible place to find yourself.
Instead of taking charge of the things that you can (which are many), you wait around for God to bail you out.
For example you:
- Hope God will magically put the right friends in front of you.
- Pray your boss will do right by you, even if he’s proven otherwise.
- Hope your spouse will somehow know what you need.
- Pray your toxic parents will suddenly change.
When you don’t trust yourself, you put yourself at the mercy of other people. Instead of using the abilities God gave you, you lean on others blindly.
That’s not trust. It’s codependency.
A relationship is thought of as “codependent” when you rely excessively on another person. You tend to:
- Look to another person for approval constantly.
- Rely on others for all your decision making.
- Let others define your needs
- Defer always to their emotional state.
Codependency shows up in any relationship where we outsource what psychologists call our “agency” to another person. Agency is simply your ability to take charge of your life. We can give control of our lives over to our parents (even as adults), spouses, friends, pastors, and even to our children. You can even become codependent in your relationship with God. Instead of maturing into a capable, spirit-filled disciple, we stay young and unformed, hiding behind God, instead of going forth into the world shining his light.
Frankly, most women are taught that deferring our power to others is right.
It’s not.
Always deferring to someone else can appear like you’re being loving, faithful, or a servant. But, it’s not. It’s hitching on to someone else instead of doing the hard work of healing, growing, and becoming more of your true self.
I lived hidden like that for years. And, I hid behind God.
But, then God called me out, and I had to change. I started the work of healing with God’s help.
Think of it this way: when someone really loves you, they call you out of hiding. They ask you to step out from behind where you are hiding because they want to see you. They want to get to know who you are. They want to beam with pride as you move, think, express, and create. And something beautiful happens as you are seen in this way:
Trust starts to develop.
You start to trust yourself, the woman God made.
Other people start to see you as trustworthy.
And, God celebrates.
God does not want a codependent relationship with you.
He is calling you out of hiding. He wants to see you, know you, and nudge you. He wants you to become the trustworthy person he made.
To be clear, here are some examples of what trusting yourself is and is not.
Trusting yourself is:
- Becoming aware of your needs and how to meet them.
- Taking responsibility for your decisions.
- Honoring your emotions in challenging situations.
- Building a support network that understands you.
- Standing up for your convictions.
Trusting yourself is not:
- “You doing you” regardless the cost.
- Never caring what others think.
- Turning your back on God.
- Never seeking help or advice.
- Placing “ultimate” trust in yourself.
Trusting yourself leads to trustworthiness. And, this is a key quality in healthy relationships. As you learn to trust what you need and want in your life, you will start to understand how to detect trustworthiness in other people.
An Exercise in Trusting Yourself
The opposite of trusting yourself is self-doubt. If you’ve struggled with trusting yourself, try the following exercise. Take out a blank piece of paper and divide it into two halves. Think of a situation where you continually doubt yourself and start to pay attention to the messages in your mind.
1.) List your “Doubt Yourself” Messages.
On one side of the paper list the “doubt yourself” messages that run through your mind. These messages can show up in any number of ways. They often include the words, “I can’t,” “I’m not”, or “They are”.
- I can’t trust what I want.
- I’m not good enough/strong enough.
- They are so much smarter/wiser than me.
- I can’t be sure what I’m feeling is right.
- I don’t have what it takes.
2.) List your “What if God Does” Messages.
Often we are afraid to believe that God is entrusting key decisions and relationships to us. He believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. Like a good parent, he wants us to find our way. On the other side of the paper make a second list. On this list, give yourself permission to write down “What if God Does” messages. For example, What if God Does:
- Want me to make this decision on behalf of myself.
- Believe I have what it takes.
- Want me to trust my instincts about the next step.
- Value the concerns I have about this relationship.
- Honor the wisdom I’ve gained.
3.) Get Curious.
Take a look at both columns. At this point, don’t evaluate which side is “right” or “wrong.” Instead, get curious about each of the columns and what it feels like inside to see them in front of you. Simply notice what it’s like to get these messages out of your head and onto the page in front of you.
Getting curious shifts you out of old patterns of thinking and creates space for new possibilities. It helps you become more aware of habits or behaviors that may no longer be healthy for you.
4.) Invite God to Draw Near.
Prayerfully consider both columns, inviting God to draw near. What would it be like to take a step toward trusting yourself with God’s help? Is it possible he’s nudging you toward making a brave decision? Don’t rush into making a big change at this point. Simply notice any assumptions you’ve been making about God.
The point of this exercise is to grow in self + God-awareness. It’s to begin to notice messages that you might be listening to that aren’t actually what God wants or what is best for you.
Remember: Learning to trust yourself does not mean you stop trusting God. The two are not mutually exclusive.
God is still your rescuer, your rock, your provider. He is still there for you. Do not mistake what I am saying. But, don’t underestimate your capability in any given situation.
Would you call out for rescue when you have what it takes to find safety?
Would you beg for help when you have the skills to go out and find it?
Would you hide behind God when you could be out shining his light?
As you say “yes” to learning to trust yourself with God’s help, you become the confident, talented, brave woman God made you to be. You bring honor to him. And, he has never been so proud.
For Further Reading:
Are You Really Supposed to Die To Yourself?
How To Get More Confidence From the Inside Out
Join the conversation. Leave a comment below:
Have you struggled with learning to trust yourself?
Another excellent post!! May we all walk in the strength and power that is already ours in Christ!
Yes. May it be so!
Thank You, it is kind of like this was written for me and where I am at.
Thanks for sharing this, Becky. 🙏
Hmmm good words and i am on this journey of getting to know myself as i am recently widowed thank you Alison!
Thank you, Jane. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for you as you bravely enter this next chapter of your story with God’s help.
God always directs me. This is something I’ve been praying about. Sometimes we tell ourselves we don’t know. When we’ve suffered consequences of poor choices we can doubt our abilities to make sound decisions.
Yes, so true.
Wow. I feel like this describes the inner struggle I’ve had since childhood. I’m in my early 30’s and only in the last few months have I been feeling I’m truly getting to know myself, and let myself come out of hiding with others. This post is really spoke to me today! Thank you!
So grateful to hear this, Christy. I’m so glad you are on this journey of coming out of hiding and showing up as your whole, beautiful self.
Wow your writing this is truly a blessing as are you at a time most needed. Thank you! This spoke straight to my healing heart. I’m going to get my paper now.
Thank you, Lori. I pray all goodness and light into your healing heart as you tend it.
Love this and I sooooooo need it!
Thank you, Linda. ❤️
Amazing! Thank you. I’m in leadership and am sometimes afraid of my power and passion. In the past, instead of a constant, quiet flame – it could be like a fire thrower, hurting others in my path. But lately I think I’ve dampened it too much and lost all spark – I’m then ineffective, indecisive – afraid to trust myself. It’s hard but I’m beginning to feel that God made me an 8 (ennegramm) for a reason. Lion and lamb…everyone loves the lamb. It hurts when people flee the lion.
I so relate to this. Our enneagram nature is essential and God made. A visualization that helps me is that a Lion is strong and powerful without trying. When a lion roars it’s scary. So for us going the other way because we are used to roaring will dim the spark too much.
Instead I visualize a elegant, naturally strong lion (ennea 8) and respect the passion inside but overall a lion is also a symbol of wisdom, quiet strength and confidence which I’d like to believe we ennea 8 are born to become.
Thank you for this helpful and timely post.
This sounds like me my whole life! Actually, I’ve come a long way from where I was only a few years ago. But I am still stuck in situations where I defer to my husband or I think constantly about how my mom would “approve” or “disapprove” of a decision I am making. I feel like God is taking me on a journey to discover who I am and the me that he is showing me is so much more capable and wise than I give her credit for. Thank you for this post because it is speaking to who I am right now.
This was very helpful, Alison! I have been struggling with this issue for some time, especially in light of Proverbs 3:5 “…Lean not on your own understanding.” Looking to external authorities is strongly encouraged in church settings and in academia where you always need to cite your sources. I want to explore how to exercise my intuition muscle! Learning how to rely on our own intuition, and hear God’s voice in our soul, would be a welcome next post!
I have seen the errors of “magical thinking”! It’s not that God can’t do what I pray and hope he will, but that my common sense and my mind and my talents and my perseverance are part of what it will take to make a change. The lack of confidence in all the human parts of the equation (of change) cause a cycle that pushes out those that do not have all their prayers answered and their “magical thinking” affirmed by changed circumstances. The real work of God (the one that remains) is the work done in the heart that matures us to come closer together, to share strengths and solutions, and to get up everyday and make the choices that lead to long-term change.
SUCH good stuff!! And I’m encouraged, Alison, that your work is truly taking root in my life as I continue to explore and implement soul boundaries !
I used to be happy with my decisions ONLY if everyone was happy with me and I didn’t get any negative feedback. But more often than not lately, I’ve been weighing out my decisions and of course praying about them, and as I’ve considered possible negative pushback, I’ve been able to be willing to own it, knowing my decision was what I thought was best, and being okay with nay sayers or negative people! The more I’m able to do this, the less in-bondage I feel to the opinions and approval of others! I still have work to do, but keep teaching, Alison… one day, there just may be a graduation to the next grade, haha! 🥰
I have been quiet in person for SO long. I describe myself as an introvert, which is interesting because very few people see me the way that I see myself. I love to post funny sayings, Scriptures and uplifting words online, but when it comes to putting myself in a post, story, conversation…I can’t, or won’t do it.