For years, there has been a silent message that most of us have been taught to accept. It is based on an idea that is portrayed as Biblical. The message is that in order to be a good Christian in any situation, no matter how hard, you must die to yourself.
This message has been passed down in various forms, such as:
- You should always be nice.
- You should only think of others.
- It’s wrong to think about yourself.
In fact, you might have even heard these messages summarized in one powerful statement: You must deny yourself.
The subtle power of this message is strong, especially for women, because it is often portrayed as what Jesus wants. After all, didn’t Jesus say: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me”? (Luke 9:23)
This phrase has been used out of context to encourage millions of women to:
- destroy their health
- stay in abusive marriages
- let co-workers take advantage of them
- bury their God-given talents
- sit by while friends walk all over them
Do you really think that’s what Jesus meant?
When verses are ripped out of context and used as a weapon, it’s toxic. You may not even know that you’ve somehow internalized this toxic interpretation of Jesus’s words. You just know that you’re exhausted, hurting, empty, and overwhelmed.
I’ve been there. As a young Christian woman, I believed it was my job to say “yes” to every single person around me. I wanted to serve and help others, and I thought that my job was to “die to myself” in order to meet the needs of everyone else. This worked for a while, until I completely burnt out. I ended up feeling empty and alone. I was angry at others and angry at God. I had worked so hard to help others, why was I feeling this way?
I loved Jesus, and I genuinely cared for other people. I just didn’t have a clue how to honor the as yourself part of the “love others” commandment.
I didn’t know how to let Jesus love ME.
I didn’t know that loving others is a two-way street.
I didn’t know that contrary to what I had been taught, saying “yes” to Jesus meant saying “yes” to caring for my own heart and learning to meet my own needs.
But don’t take my word for it.
What “Die To Yourself” Really Means
Jesus said to deny yourself to follow him. Let’s take a look at what those phrases really mean.
First, listen to what Jesus said about what it means to die to yourself. Later in his life, when talking to his disciples, Jesus used a metaphor to describe the process of dying to yourself:
“Listen carefully, unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real, and eternal.” John 12:24-25, MSG (emphasis added)
A grain of wheat must be buried deep in the ground in order to become what it is really meant to become. That burial is like a death. That grain stops being a grain when it gets buried. Something old is gone. But what happens to that grain? It sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. That grain becomes even more powerful. It shines even more brightly.
In light of this passage:
Dying to yourself is a process of letting go of what was in order to become who you are meant to be.
This idea is backed up in other passages, as we learn what it means to follow Jesus. Here’s what John says:
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
John 1:11-12 MSG (emphasis added)
John is saying that when you follow Jesus, believe in him, and do what he asks, you will become even more of your true self, the beautiful soul that God made. We know from Jesus’s words that the process can feel like death, like you are losing all that you have known. Indeed, letting go of old ways can be painful. Change is no small thing. But here’s the promise: You are dying to old ways in order to become the fierce, light-bearing woman that God made.
When you follow Jesus, you become your true self, your child-of-God self.
This process is not a rigid form of self-denial. It is not a “grin and bear it” way of being in the world. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If you are taking that approach, I’ll be honest: those parts of you are hanging on to old ways. It’s not actually dying to yourself.
Instead, consider this.
What if dying to yourself means dying to:
- toxic patterns of relating to other people
- people pleasing as a way to get love
- shame and self-hatred
- trying to perfect yourself in order to earn approval
- playing small so others won’t be threatened by you
- believing that you don’t matter and that your life does not have value
What if dying to yourself means dying to the lie that God does not want more for you?
What if dying to yourself means saying “yes” to doing the work of becoming your true self?
What if dying to yourself means saying “yes” to following Jesus as he seeks to heal you and your relationships from the inside out?
This is the what I believe it means to say “yes” to the life God has for you. It is what I believe it means to grow in emotional and spiritual health. It means “dying to” toxic patterns of relating to God, yourself, and others. And, it means saying “yes” to following the Good Shepherd as he leads you to becoming more of your God-created self.
Saying Yes to the Life God Has For You
If you’ve struggled with that voice of rigid self-denial, try the following exercise. Take out a blank piece of paper and divide it into two halves. Think of a situation or relationship that is plaguing you, and start to pay attention to the messages in your mind.
1.) List your “Die to Yourself” Messages.
On one side of the paper list the “die to yourself” messages that run through your mind. These are the self-denial messages that can show up in any number of ways. They often include the word “should”:
- I “should” do what he wants.
- I “should” meet that need.
- I “should” forget about that dream.
- I “should” be the bigger person in this situation.
- I “should” pretend that what she did was OK.
2.) List your “What if I could” Messages.
On the other side of the paper make a second list. On this list, give yourself permission to write down what you would like to do if you “could”. For example,
- I would take more space from this relationship if I could get it.
- I would confront my boss if it wouldn’t jeopardize my job.
- I would ask for help if I thought they’d step up.
- I would say “please stop” if I knew it didn’t come with a cost.
- I would walk away if I could do it without hurting anyone.
3.) Get Curious.
Take a look at both columns. At this point, don’t evaluate which side is “right” or “wrong.” Instead, get curious about each of the columns and what it feels like inside to see them in front of you. Simply notice what it’s like to get those voices out of your head and onto the page in front of you.
Getting curious shifts you out of old patterns of thinking and creates space for new possibilities. It helps you become more aware of habits or behaviors that may no longer be healthy for you.
4.) Invite God to Draw Near.
Prayerfully consider both columns, inviting God to draw near. Are you sure that “should” column is from him? Is it possible he’s nudging you toward saying “yes” to what you need and want? Don’t rush into making a big change at this point. Simply notice any assumptions you’ve been making about God.
The point of this exercise is to grow in self + God-awareness. It’s to begin to notice messages that you might be listening to that aren’t actually what God wants or what is best for you.
This is the first step in making what I call a “Yes List.” It’s starting to think about what you want to say yes to in order to honor the woman God made. It may feel uncomfortable at first. That’s OK. Over the coming weeks, I’ll give you more opportunities to practice “dying” to unhealthy ways of relating to other people and start saying “Yes” to the life God has for you.
For Further Reading:
Is Setting Boundaries Selfish?
What Every Woman Needs to Know About Boundaries
Join the conversation. Leave a comment below:
Have you struggled with the “die to yourself” message?
Yes. Amen & thank you, Alison.
Thanks, Susan.
For sure! I need to speak up to my manager, I am exhausted, overwhelmed and just plain done. I want to go part time, but don’t have the guts to talk to her. So I just keep having yearly breakdowns when I get to this point. WHY can’t I speak up, FEAR!!!
I get it. Get curious about that fear. It’s a tender emotion and important to care for. We just don’t want to let it drive.🙏
Your comment, Carol, was very personal to me, reflecting what has gone on in my life for the past 9 months. I went to my boss’ office about 18 months ago and told him I couldn’t take any more and I needed to retire and/or take a lengthy sabbatical. I retired. I know it was God. God we need discernment. I told my son I couldn’t talk any more for a while. I felt like my soul was being stolen. He could email but no calling. The pandemic isolated everyone in the world. The lies. The cover ups. The crazy. I lost 20 pounds – which is fine with me but so unlike me. There will be other changes as I await more from God. Passion brings about a lot of creativity. We are climbing out of the boiling crab pot!! Keep the faith!J
Wow! Wonderful revelational wisdom! Thank you so much.
So helpful! Thanks, Alison.
I’m glad it was helpful. Thank you for dropping a note to tell me, Julie.
Julie; This article is me.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
It was me, as well. 🙏
I needed to read this so badly this morning. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I pray for all those who read these words regularly.
yes! this post summarizes my story this whole year. the exercise seems practical, simple and so helpful. can’t wait to try it later today.
Thanks, Naomi. I have found it so helpful to get these “shoulds” out of our minds and onto the page! I pray it is helpful to you.
This article speaks VOLUMES to me and where I’m at. Thank you SO much!
Thanks for this, Kelly. ❤️
This is incredibly insightful. Thank you!
I am grateful to hear it was helpful, Deb. Thank you for letting me know.
This article brought tears to my eyes. I needed to hear this today. Thank you!
I hear you. 🙏
Thank you for this wisdom. I wish I had know these things 30 years ago. I’ve spent the last 4 years becoming braver and acting with these truths in mind. So scary at first, but totally worth it.
I’m so grateful to hear that you are finding this courage now. It is never too late! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for this timely article. I always feel tremendous guilt and the “shoulds” begin overwhelming me. then I get angry as I listen to them, because the message once again is “I don’t have any rights, I should be the bigger person, my needs do not matter”. This teaching excerpt and exercise helped me recognize the wrong thinking. This is life-giving and allows me to believe and embrace that God cares about me and that He wants me to be who He has made me to be. Other’s needs do not trump that. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this, Lindsey. I’m so glad to hear that you found some true relief. I love this exercise and still do it when I get stuck.
I have been thru a difficult four years and am trying to start my new life after my husband choosing divorce after 33 years. I just went thru this exercise and all I can say is WOW!!! I asked God to speak to me regarding my future and I see this article I had opened on my phone. I only read the first paragraph before moving onto something else but there it was this morning. I realized that my whole life has been driven by SHOULDS. I’ve spent my life “dying to self” and always putting myself last. I just finished the exercise and am asking God to give me eyes to see and ears to hear His voice, not mine or other people’s, but His voice. I want to say YES to honor God and the woman He made. Thank you Allison for sharing!!!
This insight is so beautiful, Cyndi. I am so sorry for what you have been through, and grateful to hear how God is working in your life!
I read yoyr message and it confirmed what God told me yesterday. I just flew into Chicago for my mother-in-law’s funeral. As I looked out the window of the plane I was amazed at the magnificent cloud structures below. They didnt even appear real. I was so awe struck at the detail and the infinite Kingdom of God and what he created. It was almost cartoon like that no one could have created such beauty. I asked God what He wanted me to know. He said I created you in the same way. You are so magnificent and have so many possibilities. I have created so many details of what you can accomplish if you would only look to me for your design. The things you can do are infinite if you will only keep your eyes on me. It was such a beautiful message that I became lost and mesmerized. I looked back and realized the details in clouds were wipe clean and a smooth white slate appeared. I asked God what he wanted me to know and He said If you let me, I can wipe what you think of yourself clean and smooth. Keep your eyes on me. Again I was so taken back in the thoughts I focused again and we were beginning to make our decent. I saw the details of the city. The magnificent architecture of mans creation. The skyline and beautiful fields and stadiums and rows and rows of finely attuned houses and businesses all perfectly laid out. Again I was mesmerized in what man could create. I asked God what He wanted me to know. He said If you keep your eyes on what man tells you you are you will get distracted and off course. It looks appealing and breathtaking for a while but it does not have the power and strength to protect you during the storm. Man can only offer you a temporary view of yourself and it can be wiped away with the slightest wind. The ways of man can guide you down a destructive path. I chose you to see the infinite possibilities. Look up to me. Let me guide you. ❤️
Stunning imagery, Rhonda. Thank you for sharing this with us here. 🙏
Your post is so so timely. I gave a portion of my testimony this past Sunday night at church and your content past couple of weeks is related to much of what I shared. God is so good and so thankful that in Jesus we get to experience our true selves. 😭😭😭😭
Thank you Dr. Alison!
Thank you, Corey. I really appreciate this note. I LOVE hearing stories of women who are becoming their true selves. Keep saying yes to this work.
Wow, just wow. No wonder my health declined over the years. I assumed because of poor decisions, I had to stick out the uncomfortable situations those decisions created. I know I haven’t bloomed in Christ. I merely skirt the edges of His will for me in work and in relationships. I am unfulfilled and literally sick. Now I know I can say enough, with prayer for guidance, to those people and situations that I have allowed to overcome me. You are a blessing, Alison. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
It is never too late, Sonya. Prayerful that you will continue to find healing of mind, heart, body, and spirit. 🙏🏻
The traditional teaching of the dying to self and denying self almost ruined by life. At the age of 50 I had a co-worker who was quite evil and manipulative and I saw if I continued being the doormat version of a Christian that I had embraced as “being a good Christian” that i would be contributing to her destructive ways. I had so long embraced denying my “self” I had no value for myself and I thought this was right. And I have a Masters degree in Theology! I really thought that it was somehow right thinking but now I realized that version of Christianity literally was teaching me to psychologically anihilate myself! What a sneaky trick of the devil and so many Christians are being taught this.I literally had no idea if it was ok with God if I loved myself. Anyway, I have stopped going to church for now because of this horrible teaching being so pervasive and there are some other common teachings as well that have damaged me. But I still love God and Jesus and the Church. I just dont trust that the Church will teach me right and I need space for a while to unlearn some terrible, terrible things. Also, I dont want to split hairs but part of what you have written Im puzzling over. I have been interpreting the John passage mentioned (the kernel of wheat) as Christ dying and the we also died and were co-raised with him. And therefore, we are now the new creation and are learning how to live that out. Whereas, it seems the way you have interpreted it is that the death of ourselves is up to us (by following Jesus’ teachings and Him in our life).
Wow Jennifer, your comment resonated with me so much. I feel I could have written it.
it’s exactly where I am right now.
Absolutely yes! This truth is setting me free!