Many of us, if we’re honest, tend to base the criteria for whether we feel good about ourselves on how other people respond to us. Without realizing it, we operate a little like this:
I am a good person if I make other people happy.
I am a bad person if I hurt other people.
However, there are several problems with this system of self-evaluation. You can make someone happy by promising something you ultimately can’t deliver on. And, you can hurt someone and be a true friend. So, saying “No” and hurting someone does not make you a bad person. It means you need to dig a little deeper.
Hurting Others
You will hurt people in this life. The question isn’t if that makes you a bad person. The question is what kind of hurt are we talking about?
Hurting to Heal. When a doctor performs surgery, she has to make an incision. She has to hurt you before she can heal you. As with that doctor, sometimes the hurt you cause will be a form of kindness, the result of doing something brave. You might be called to speak up honestly in ways that are good for another person that they cannot see. For example, when you say “No” to your child in a loving, firm way, you teach them how to tolerate healthy boundaries. They might hate it in the moment. But, they will be so much better off in the long run.
Or, if you say “No” to toxic behaviors early on in a relationship, you might hurt someone you care about. Yet, that “No” that you say may well be the healthiest, most God-honoring action you’ve taken. It may help that person see something important about themselves, that no one else has had the courage to say. I can remember a few times as a young adult when an honest person said “No” to me in this way. It hurt in the moment. But, I am forever grateful for the way their “No” helped develop my character.
Hurting out of Human Limits. Other times, you will hurt people simply because you are a human with limits on your time, capacity, and ability to be present. Maybe you have to say “No” to a friend or a colleague because you are swamped with other priorities. You are not doing anything wrong, but your “No” might evoke some pain in the other person. This is an extremely hard reality to face, and one that keeps us humble before God. You simply cannot meet every need or soothe every pain. Your “No” might cause pain, but it’s a “No” that is their responsibility to take.
Hurting out of Fear. You can also hurt people by indulging them or leading them on out of fear. For example, you may see a lot of red flags in a relationship, but continue to stay in it out of fear of hurting the other person. Instead of speaking up honestly and risking hurting their feelings, you continue to hide what you really feel. Over time, that person is blind-sided when you finally hit the eject button. It might have been kinder if you had “hurt” that person earlier on with an honest, “No, that does not work for me.”
Hurting out of Pain. Sometimes, you might hurt someone because you feel angry at them. Maybe they have hurt you, and you want to get them back. You might be aware that you are trying to cause pain in the moment, or you might realize it after the fact. If you are reading this and finding yourself in this category, good for you! It is never too late to own it, grieve your action, and turn from it (repent). You are not a bad person. You are a human who has experienced the good kind of hurt God brings when he gives us the gift of conviction (see “Hurting to Heal”).
If you see yourself in either of these last two categories, you are not a bad person. You are someone who is working hard to get honest with yourself as you heal and become more whole with God’s help. Remember, that learning to say “No” may well be the best way forward in your desire to stop hurting others out of your own fear or pain.
Why is it So Hard to Say “No”?
In order to say “Yes” to the life God has for you, you will have to learn to say “No”. You will need, at times, to tell your spouse, child, friend, or colleague:
- “That is not a behavior I will tolerate.”
- “I’m not going to make it this weekend. I’m taking time for myself.”
- “I’m not available to help you with that.”
- “I’m not going to be able to show up for you in this way anymore.”
If the “No” you are facing feels impossible, ask yourself this key question:
What am I afraid will happen if I say “No”?
Notice your honest response without judgment. Typically those fears fall in one of three categories:
Fear of What They Will Think
In this case, you’re basing too much of your worth in what they will think about you. There’s no shame in that, but it’s important to notice. Start asking yourself deeper questions like these:
- What does God think?
- What do I think of me?
- What do people I trust think of this situation?
- Where did I learn that what they think of me is more important than what God or I think of me?
Don’t rush to quick answers. Instead, start to notice the messages you’ve believed. These messages have likely been with you for a very long time. It’s going to take some time to change it.
Fear of Retaliation
If you’re afraid of retaliation or repercussion, get curious about that. What can this person actually do to harm you? Can they fire you? Harm you physically? Slander you to other friends? These are very real concerns. I get it. Don’t take them lightly. Get support in these cases. That being said, fear of retaliation is a good sign that a “No” needs to be said.
It’s incredibly hard to stand up to abusers and bullies. Arm yourself well and get the support that you need first. But don’t let your fear drive your decision making. Instead, let it alert you to the kind of person you’re up against.
Fear of Causing Pain
If you are sensitive to the feelings of others or high in empathy, the fear of hurting someone is very real. You may sense their hurt before they do. It’s excruciating to be the one to cause pain.
For those high in empathy, the pain that comes from hurting someone is often more profound than that of being hurt. Stay with it. You are not a bad person. A part of you is just human, and that part of you that can not be what the other person needs or desires is worthy of love, too. That part of you needs God’s love and your understanding. Hurting other people (when done with integrity) is a reminder of our humanity. We are not meant to play God. We are human.
As you consider your fear of hurting someone with your “No”, remind yourself of these truths:
Telling someone what they want to hear isn’t good for anyone.
You can speak honestly without being cruel.
Being clear about what you will and won’t do shows respect for yourself and for other people.
Your “No” is a profound form of kindness.
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” —Prov. 27:6
For Further Reading:
How to Get Over Your Fear of Disappointing Others
Should I Turn the Other Cheek?
This was very helpful. You touched on all the reasons we feel this way and I have a much kinder feeling towards myself and the people I have hurt now. Thank you.
Same here. And I received this in my email the very day after I had just told my daughter in law no. (Kindly but firmly) I feel better now. She’s mad and lashing out but I don’t have to take that in anymore.
Their angry reaction to our kind, firm “No” is usually an indicator we said the “No” that was needed.
Grateful that it helped!
It’s nigh-on ironic to hear, “You need to learn to say no,” in a condescending and aggravated tone, coming from the person you most wish you’d said no to. Part of my problem is a lack of spine, part is too much empathy and compassion, and part is that my ‘no’ would have real consequences for them. I told them years ago that I want to live alone and that the housemate situation was going to be temporary, but I am selfish for wanting them to make a plan. We are all stagnated, and they’ve admitted it, but their housing is apparently my responsibility.
Yes, that is a painful jab coming from the very person you need to say “No”, too. Without knowing the situation, it sounds like someone is knowingly taking advantage of you, which is not OK. You may need to increase your support system to help you set a plan in motion to get out of a toxic situation. For support ideas, check out the Resources page on my website.
Really excellent perspective!! Thanks
I remind myself and my clients that “YES truly on means something when NO is an option”
Really excellent perspective!! Thanks
I remind myself and my clients that “YES truly only means something when NO is an option”
That’s a great saying!
This was so timely Alison. I recently had to block this friend because he just wouldn’t respect my boundaries and I ended up feeling guilty about hurting him. I am one of those empathy-high people and I felt terrible after I confronted him first and then he crossed a line again, so I blocked him. He has done it several times in the past and took my grace for granted, so it had to be done. However, I wasn’t entirely at peace. What you wrote it is so blessed and sensible and I found many answers here. Thank you so much for your wisdom. Praise God.
I’m grateful this article helped. It can be really challengihng for high empathy people to set boundaries. Honor those feelings of discomfort that come up, and remember: they don’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. They might mean you did something right!
The timing of this article is perfect. I really resonated with the “Hurting out of fear and hurting out of human limit”…. I love the further thinking of the WHY we’re afraid to set the boundaries. What are we afraid of? I will definitely be asking myself these questions.
I’m working on setting boundaries with everyone and saying NO has been challenging on an emotional and mental level but so rewarding afterwards. Like, as awful as I feel saying, No or This isn’t working for me anymore!”, I feel this overwhelming sense of calm, peace and relief after doing it, which tells me, it’s the right thing to do and I’m not a bad person for doing it, even if the person feels hurt afterwards. I have to work on the timing and tone when setting the boundaries though.
So I really resonate with this article and so glad I found your site when I did! Thank you! 🙂
So glad to hear of the progress you are making! Exercising our “No” muscle takes work. I’m so glad you are experiencing some of the benefits. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for this.
Yes, I sometimes fall in the “fear of retaliation” and other times in the “fear of causing pain”. I just turned 30 and just learned that saying “NO” is essential for my mental health, and a boundary I have set for others to respect, it is definitely a work in progress . I consider myself a blunt person, but I’ve always struggled with saying “NO” especially in my 20s. Now, I say “NO” but as soon as I see the other persons reaction (if they are bothered/mad or sad ) because of my “NO” , I tend to give an explanation. Always. I do think that is something I need to dig deeper into- “Why do I always tend to give an explanation after saying “NO”?”. It might be tied down to the “fear of retaliation”.
Great information! and thank you all for sharing your experiences in the comments , it really helps to know we are not alone on this.
Yes, great insight. The need to over-explain ourselves is often tied to a deeply-rooted fear of rejection or of retaliation. We think to ourselves, “If only I can make them understand, they won’t ________________!” (fill in the blank with the fear.) Pay attention to how you fill in that blank to see if you can get to the root fear.
You are right…Thank you !!! ❤️
I had a beautiful highly intelligent daughter in her teens who had a problems saying “NO” to her friends. This filled her days with activities beyond her abilities to accomplish her personal requirements. She even bought a book titled “How to say no” along with her fathers help. She excelled in music and studies and earned academic honors as she controlled her “no” requirements without losing her friends. Unfortunately she was killed by a drunken driver at age seventeen.
I am so very sorry for this tragic loss, William. I appreciate how you understood and guided your daughter in learning to say “No”. Praying for moments of comfort as you honor her precious life.