What are the signs of bad church leadership versus church leaders who are healthy?
A church is like any family. It’s comprised of wounded people. The presence of wounds does not make or break a church or a family. It’s what we do with them that makes the difference.
In healthy families, each member manages their own struggles with care and commits to the ongoing process of healing. Other families sadly take a different path and become dysfunctional, toxic, or abusive. Parents take the lead on determining which direction a family will take. Did you know this same same process happens within a church family? That’s why it’s important to notice the signs of bad church leadership.
A church family is an important place to grow, give and receive care, and learn about God’s love. But, just like a family with absentee or abusive parents, when the church leadership turns toxic, the results are incredibly damaging to hearts, souls, and minds. I understand why people step away from church all together for a season. The pain from being hurt by a church family can be devastating.
It’s wise to guard your heart when entering into any kind of relationship, even a relationship with a church family. If you’re unsure how to identify toxic behavior within a church, here are 3 signs of bad church leadership that you need to know:
3 Signs of Bad Church Leadership
1. Disrespect for your boundaries
Never rush into getting involved with a new church. It’s important to take time deciding how, where, and when you want to participate. Beware of any pressure that is requested of you to jump in with both feet.
As a counselor, I recommend saying, “No, thank you,” during the early stages of visiting a church. Here’s why: When you say “No” to a request for serving, leading, or joining a church group, you will quickly identify if your “No” can be met with respect.
For example, if you say, “No, thanks, I’m not ready to commit yet,” that response should be honored without any guilt or pressure. But, if a church leader responds to your “No” by trying to make you feel guilty, manipulated, or belittled, then that’s a red flag of potentially bad church leadership.
In addition, you should not feel forced to share private details about your life before you are comfortable. Trust takes time to develop. Forced vulnerability is not healthy vulnerability. It’s manipulation. Instead, maintain a limit around what you share, with whom, and when.
You also shouldn’t be criticized for maintaining certain areas of privacy. For example, if someone asks a personal question such as, “Why isn’t your husband with you?” You might simply say, “I am divorced,” or “There’s a lot to that story,” without offering any apology or explanation.
Then notice the response.
Can the listener respect you without attempting to pull out further data? Are they willing to earn your trust? Or, do they badger you for more details or jump to assumptions? These are telltale signs that are important to notice.
2. Disregard for people who are hurting
A church is not a cruise ship. It’s a hospital for the hurting. Does everyone around you seem to have it all together? Does it feel like you must leave your struggles at the door on Sunday morning? That’s another red flag. Bad church leadership creates an unhealthy culture where people are expected to be perfect.
Instead, look for a church that is willing to talk about difficult issues, such as depression, doubt, loneliness, and anger. Does the pastor avoid talking about painful subjects from the pulpit? Does he or she say that you should never feel lonely or sad? Notice how church leaders treat people who are struggling. A healthy church encourages their members to grow while maintaining a deep understanding that even faithful people who love God experience hard times.
For example, I’ll never forget a church that I attended early on in my twenties. The pastor gave great sermons, but the church members made fun of other people behind their backs. One day, I heard the pastor tell a mocking joke in public about another church member. I was horrified. I had only attended that church for a few months. But, that pastor’s expression of cruelty scarred my mind. Since then, I made it a point to choose a church based on how well the leadership talks about other people when no one is looking.
3. Lack of humility and openness
Wise church leaders enable space for their congregation to hold various perspectives. But, controlling church leaders expect every member to toe the party line or risk being kicked out. Control can take the form of rigid expectations and demands with little room for nuance or healthy debate. In addition, signs of bad church leadership can take the form of celebrity worship, where everyone is expected to adore the folks on staff.
In any family environment, there should be room for disagreement, especially a church family. Healthy church leaders stand firm on their perspective, but they also show humility. Confident leaders share their viewpoint, and they also invite rich, respectful dialogue with those who disagree.
For example, ask yourself if it’s okay to tell a church leader, “I’m not sure I agree with that viewpoint.” Will your perspective be met with curiosity? Or, are you are expected to jump on that leader’s bandwagon? If so, that’s controlling and a key sign of bad church leadership.
Why is this point important? If a church won’t create space for you to engage in hard topics, then how will it help you grow? People don’t heal under the weight of controlling leadership. People heal as they are invited into a healthy, honest relationship.
Even the best of churches will let you down from time to time. But, if you notice signs of bad church leadership, such as manipulation, criticism, or control tactics, then it’s best to cut your losses and leave before it’s too late.
Instead, look for church leadership that respects your boundaries, cares for those who are hurting the most, and exhibits humility with difficult topics. That’s the kind of place where you will find the healing and spiritual growth that you need.
A church family should be focused on supporting and caring for you as you grow in learning how to love God, love others, and care well for yourself. Choosing which church to attend is a big decision. So, take your time early in the process and pay close attention to what you see.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Get to know a few people and ask a few hard questions, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. It’s okay to move slowly and take your time building trust. If a church tries to rush your commitment, then keep looking. There are plenty of good church families out there.
For further reading:
6 Ways to Set Up a Support Network and Why It Matters
The Enmeshed Family and 6 Signs of Toxic Behavior
Join the conversation. Leave a comment below:
Have you ever witnessed or experienced bad church leadership? If so, which of the 3 signs resonates with you the most? What would you do differently as you visit churches in the future?
Got a question for Alison?
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This is really insightful, Alison. Thank you so much!
I’m so glad it helped, Mia!
Thanks for the article. It has helped me.
I was told by my youth pastor whom also got me a job at the place he is a high ranking manager. Towards the end of my time there I noticed things that weren’t right and I was told by him to keep God out of work. I’m at a complete loss and not even main Pastor will reach out and I’ve been there for a little over 2 decades. Way longer than the pastor manager
Goood stuff! Both my sons are lead pastors in amazing churches. I’m proud to say they and their staff would get an A+ in these areas! Most likely because in their growing up years, there were a few churches we attended whose leaders and the culture would have gotten a D or an F!
One of our son‘s churches begins every service with a confession by the whole body: The first part is: “We are ALL badly broken (perfect people – go somewhere else, the broken need your seat), BUT… tje second part is: “We are ALLL DEEPLY loved by God!” And they live out their love and acceptance of people who are broken or very different from each other! Thanks for addressing this!!
I love this, Sandy. Thanks for sharing – it is so helpful to encouraging stories like this.
I really can appreciate the need for pastors to understand we…everyone including themselves are broken.
Lack of humility and openness from church leaders is an area I’ve personally experienced. I had started visiting another church and the leadership where I was technically a member was concerned about where I was going. I had also started to accept things I had been taught were wrong (e.g., evolution). I explained why but they wanted to study with me basically in hopes of changing my mind. They blamed it on my liberal psychology studies in school. It was a really tough conversation, and I felt broken afterward. Shortly after that, I had my membership removed. They didn’t want me to do this until they knew I was going to a “sound” congregation so that was a hoop I still had to jump through. But it worked out and I felt free after leaving the congregation. Thanks for sharing these. It is so, so important.
I am so sorry you went through this, Savannah. Thank you for sharing your experience here.
Oh how I wish I had this several years ago. Looking back there were several warning signs, some glaring. However in my desire to find a church I tried to justify them. This was really helpful and I will take with me when we start visiting churches again….
I’m so glad you found it helpful, Jen. I pray for a solid, healthy place to land as you move forward.
These are valid points, however instead of leaving immediately, it’s been my experience that confronting and talking with those who offend you may lead to a much healthier and a more open relationship. Sometimes leadership may not be aware that they are offensive and telling them in love may start a healing process.
Hi Tim, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for this comment. Open communication is always the best option when possible. And when it leads to healing it is beautiful to behold. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always go that direction.
No, it DEFINITELY does not always go that way…
That is so true.
This was so freeing for me. I have had some experiences that made my skin crawl but was told I was being judge mental. I didn’t feel I was. Thank you for the clarity.
Hi Janette, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad this provided some clarity.
I grew up in a church that really turned bad when I got older or when I got older I started to see how unhealthy it was. I love Jesus and His church and I desire to serve in a local body. I don’t have the time to type the hurt, the control, the manipulation, talking of others behind their backs, forced vulnerability, accusations if you showed different opinions. It’s a very broken system that you can’t challenge as an individual. When your eyes open and Jesus shows you it’s been going on at its inception, mostly because of insecure broken leaders who lead from fear. You realize only Christ can help them because you trying leads to being ostracized. Best decision was leaving, I hoped for everything to change for a longtime it did not and I was dying daily. I would come pumped for a service and leave wounded, I dreaded going to church! Thank God I am free! In a new church taking it slowly. Being prayerful about the situation helps, God is there to guide you.
Thank you for these insights Alison, it’s a difficult conversation that needs to be heard.
Blessings to you.
Thanks for sharing this here, Sibongile. I hear you – we can pray and hope for change, but that doesn’t mean we don’t protect ourselves with God’s help by setting healthy boundaries.
Thank you for this. I am a pastor, & believe it’s totally fitting to test the waters of a church before you dive in, including asking some rather pointed questions about practices, leadership, & culture. I endeavor to cultivate the kind of healthy, discerning culture that you describe. Thank you for sharing your practical, helpful insight.
Thanks so much, Mark. I have so much respect for pastors and the hard work it is to shepherd a flock. I appreciate your willingness to engage this conversation.
Currently dealing with a couple situations within my home church that I have been attending for 7 years, and what they have referred to as a “high-capacity” volunteer. I go to a pretty big church… I attend our main campus that has three services over the weekend and we see about 2500 people walk through the doors during the weekend. We also have two other campuses, our online campus, and then just recently launched our VR church that meets on Wednesday nights. So our leadership team is pretty large. I have been going through a lot of personal stuff lately that includes a lot of trauma stuff. One of our pastors I have formed a great relationship over the past 3 years or so and he came with me and my husband to a court hearing that involved a sexual assault case that involved our daughter. He sat there for three hours while he listened to how deeply our daughter, other girls, and mine and the other families have been hurt. And then he got a front row seat to how messed up our judicial system is. And he continues to walk with our family through the aftermath of this, along with many other things. This past weekend, while serving, one of our other pastors (who is new and is in a role that our church has had a hard time filling over the last 5 years or so) had a conversation with me and as soon as I tried to disagree with him, he said he was leaving the conversation because what he was going to say next was going to be manipulative and hurtful. Umm… am I wrong in thinking that statement was manipulative and hurtful? And then I serve within our kids ministry and two days after this, our kids ministry director had requested a meeting with me and won’t tell me why and I’m not comfortable with having a meeting without having a neutral and impartial third party there. When I asked what it was about, she has ignored me. A friend of mine within the church told me that I was pulled off the serving schedule. There is a lot more contextual information to this, but there is so much hurt and so much wrong. Right now, for my family, leaving would not be a healthy decision. I’m currently working on getting a third, neutral party involved to help navigate the situations with both people. I’m very much hurting. These are both people that I thought I could trust and have opened up to about my personal stuff that is going on and now I feel like I’m getting thrown back at me that it’s not okay to not be okay.
After going through the 3 points mentioned I was ones a victim that was forced into so many departments because of gifts of God upon my life ” there after using me enough the started by hurting me stylishly so I can leave because they feel they have grown ! The pains was too much so I had to leave with tears.
I am so sorry for this pain you experienced. I pray for healing as you move forward.
Thank you for this article, I am attending a church and I am starting to see that the pastor is spiritually-abusive. I work at the church office more than 10 hours a day even on Saturdays and Sundays at a wage that is not even half of the minimum. They also cheated me on my salary and love gift. I resigned earlier this year and God gave me a new job with better working environment and salary but they started to guilty me for earning well, saying I am income-driven. My current boss is also his friend, my boss found out what pastor was doing to me because I opened-up to him and rebuked my pastor for his misdeeds. My pastor and his wife accused me of breaking off their friendship because “I am talking behind his back”.
When I talked to him that I am resigning he tried to guilt me and make me stay. But I held my ground. Right now the church seems to isolate me because I took a step back from the ministries I held due to a death of a family member and so much brokenness from what happened to me.
I am so sorry, Ren. I pray for healing and protection for your heart, mind, and soul.
I have to say Thank You! I am so encouraged. I think this is the first time I’ve seen someone address this online. I was a member of a church where in order to be “saved” I had to under go a series of Bible studies. In order to be a member I had to be “broken” about my sins. This included me confessing every sin i committed as far back as I can remember. I was told to write everyone of them down on paper and then share them with the people involved in my studies. The people involved shared with me that I was not “broken enough” and told me to go home and pray about it until I was.
This is one of the hundreds of abuses I saw in this church. If only I would have read your article many years ago.
I am so very sorry you experienced this abuse. And, I’m grateful you found your way to this article. I pray for deep healing of the pain you’ve endured. 🙏🏻
I bought a pickup after my divorce, I new I would need one. I went to a friend’s church, I did not feel accepted there, I was a divorcee. Every weekend some one needed it I had my kids and no other vehicle. They sent my friend away and tried to hook me up with this other women, we did not click, I don’t liked being forced into something. I had no support there for divorce. They also gave me grown men to take care of, I had two kids young kids to care for. They expected too much, I had to leave. I’m a believer, all this stressed me out to no end.
My past experience of having a pastor show unkindness towards me and no one stepping in has caused me hurt tjat has taken 2 years I am still trying to recover. I had a misconception that it would be different in church, but I learned pastors can struggle with insecurity and sarcasm just like everyone else. Feels like a part of me died and I can’t get it back. I don’t blame God, but those who did nothing. Please God help me heal and move on.
Good day,
I just want to ask if it is okay, that even though we work hard for some church activities or stuff, still we got blamed for it and give us time pressure to finish the product or stuff same like an “employees shouted by a boss”. For me, we got hurt on that; leaving us a question ( do they see our effort? ) working on those things that deligated on us. That day i pray to change my feeling not their’s. but still, it’s leaving me/us a question why?
Thanks for taking the time to read this matter. ^_^
– T-murf
Very good info…I’m a member of a church that is currently experiencing high turn over. Four pastors have left in one months span. I’m beginning to feel the lead pastor and executive pastor are the common denominator in the reason for all the resignations unfortunately. Praying for Gods will in our church.
Last week a man came to the alter for prayer who struggles with addiction, I was appalled to find members talking about his issues over dinner openly and not in a manner that leads to prayer. The church is very inward facing and filled with one family and it seems as if no one cares about the lost, hurting or outsiders. I often feel attacked for my political beliefs and I am beginning to loathe attending…I want to move to a different church but my husband wants to attend with his brother. Please pray for me as I see all of the red flags that you mentioned, plus no growth spiritually or in membership
I used to attend a church that I felt was, in a way, toxic. There was extreme favoritism for the most popular people in this church. If you weren’t one of these people, you felt like you didn’t matter. If you ended up in the hospital, for example, the pastor would most likely not visit you unless you were popular. And you would often get excluded from things. This, to me, is not how a church should be. A pastor should care about his entire church congregation and not play favorites.
Thank you for your article. I am currently in a church where I have been hurt by the pastors. I tried to tell them I was hurt but they shamed me in front of the rest of the church members. They accused me of hurting them by my words which were harsh but born of pain and sorrow. They have withdrawn from me. I feel ostracised and isolated. I don’t feel able to attend the church services or groups anymore. I am out of fellowship with them but cannot resolve this because I don’t have any control in the situation. I am left waiting for them to feel able to speak to me. I don’t feel loved or cared for. But my biggest anxiety is that somehow, in all of this, I might be offending God by publicly questioning his pastors. How do we know when our perception is the right one?
I was in a small church with a dominating, controlling pastor and a submissive congregation. At first the abuse wasn’t bad but over time it progressed. I was insecure when I joined, so it was a perfect match. That’s what these people look for. After many years I broke loose of the hold he had on me. Good for me. I started to grow and mature as a person. I became happier and felt better and more confident about myself. The rest of the congregation are passive sheep. They don’t realize at what costs it takes on their emotional lives.
Out of the blue this week I received this text from my pastor for the last 15 months.
“Hey Cheryl,
I think we have come to the place where _________Church is not a good fit for you and you are not a good fit for it. So I think that it is time for you to move on to a another church.
The crux of the matter is the differences we have in how a church should be run and then how those differences should be discussed. This decision is final, and includes all _____________ Church ministries. So let’s just go our separate ways and move on.”
I’ve sent a response asking for explanation and what I did to deserve this.
No answer.
I found out today that he has done this to others in the past.
The only thing I can figure out I did was while at a Bible study led by his MIL I agreed with a statement she made about the importance of discipline others. I was on a discipleship team at Life.Church for several years and I excitedly shared the template of that team and the effectiveness of our work with new Christians.
She reprimanded me b/c the pastor insists that we not talk about ideas unless we are screened thru the admin who then passes a request on for an appointment.
I have served in the nursery for almost a year and have been very supportive of the growth and ministry of the church (financially and time).
He fits #2 & 3 perfectly.
Thank you for this article. At first I was shattered because of relationships I have in the congregation. After a few days, prayer and counsel with friends, and now your article, I am certain it is a blessing to leave this dysfunctional leadership behind.
Question I have, do I let His pastoral covering know what he’s doing to people?
Thank you Dr. Cook.
Thank you so much for this article,its really helped as I started to think maybe it’s me,should I just go along with something I don’t agree with to stop the bullying. Since stepping down from my position after disagreeing with leadership.I have now been ostracized,I feel so sad coming out of church but I have to stay due to very elderly parents attending and not wanting to go elsewhere. It’s good to know this happens elsewhere as this is my first church.
“Are we there yet?” – It’s difficult to get where you going if you have no idea where that is, or where you are right now. So is all “vision” bad? No. It’s actually beneficial when a leader has a plan for the future of a church.
If my pastor tells someone else that he knows me, I would boldly say he is telling lies.
He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t care what I do he doesn’t know what I’m going through. All he cares about is his business and leaves after church. He always wants us to come to him but he never comes to us.
He only tries to look like a pastor when I do something wrong or come to church late.
I really don’t like him but I don’t know how to approach him and pour my worries.
He doesn’t trust us so I don’t trust him.
I would get courage and talk to him, if that doesn’t work out try talking to others in the church about it.
Thank you for opening my eyes.My wife go to church every Sunday Morning and we a service at night.Our pastor is into shouting, yelling and screaming.I don’t like it,Where in the Bible is he getting this?I don’t know if he’s just a very angry pastor.We are the point of looking for other church, this is a no grown church, members are leaving,now we know why.He thinks he can grow a church by shouting and yelling,it just will not happen
God bless you
When my long-time pastor retired he ended up being on staff of the church I now attend. Though he’s no longer a pastor he is on staff at that new church, and even preaches occasionally so he’s still an authority figure. I didn’t know he was there before I started going and I feel like I can’t escape him. For many years he was my pastor but he’s always had an air of self importance like he and his family are somehow above others and if we want to have success we should look to him as the example. He still preaches the same way, I stayed at that church where he pastored for so long because it had good qualities too, but to be honest I was glad when he retired and the church closed. I thought a fresh start would be spiritually healthy but seeing he hasn’t changed a bit and still preaches occasionally I realized he’s still in my life even though he’s caused me so much pain throughout the years, and like I said, I can’t seem to escape. I thought God led me to this church but I’m not so sure now. The first few weeks I didn’t realize he was even there and I felt a spiritual freedom more than ever. (I had forgiven him and I still love him and his family, but they’re just as dysfunctional as many families in their own way.) He’d never admit that his kids are snobs that take after him and their mother. It’s easy to take correction from a sermon when it’s given by a humble servant of God and the love shines through. But I never feel love coming through his sermons, just criticism and made to feel I can never quite measure up to his high standards. He also has his cliquish favorites, many that followed him from the old church to the new one…He demands we tow the line and he’s not merciful to those who truly care but are struggling. Not everyone was raised by Christian parents, like him and his wife were, or attended church their entire lives, many were abused or neglected or simply not taught about God and Christianity is a new thing for them. He has little patience with people like that. Is this possibly a sign that I need to leave sooner than later? I’m still not completely over the wounds I had from before and now if I stay I don’t see it getting any easier. I might mention I’ve been saved for 30 years and I’m not a brand new or immature Christian but I feel like a spiritual child next to him because that’s the “vibes” (for lack of a better word) he gives off, an air of superiority.
I have finally found a group of women who study the bible very deeply and are intentional about transformation.
I find myself however feeling pressure from my leader. She is amazing and her goal is the pave way for people.
I feel that she expects so much of me. Almost giving me a time frame for how I should be, act, etc. I’m not sure whether she is being passive because of what she discerns from me. Or she is doing it towards someone else and I am just taking it personal. Either way I feel discomfort.
Even personal matters that I am not open to sharing at the moment, would be forced out of me. I am under her as an “assistant lead” She asked me to be and I accepted because I understand I must be obedient to God’s calls. And if it is to help the Kingdom I always believe God takes me as I am as he transforms me. I haven’t been SO opened because of the way they discuss matters of the other ladies. I would find myself uncomfortable. I haven’t confronted as to why we have to discuss what we think about each attendees. This part influences my inability to share alot of private matters.
I am about 10 years younger than everyone in the group. I do have so much more room to grow through.
I am not sure whether what she posts on social media or sends me is a way to passively convict me. I’m sure she is sharing it with great love. But I can’t help feel the pressure. She has such high expectations of me. And I feel she withdraws almost with disgust when I make human error. I can tell by how she talks.
Because of this pressure, I have felt the need to isolate myself and withdraw. I don’t understand what I am going through.
I am doing my best not to allow self condemnation. But its really bringing me down to the point of me being depressed.
Is it right for an elder, in the presence of 2 other elders ,to claim that their personal judegement of your spiritual state is discernment and to attack your character by using scripture as a reference? In a meeting called to discuss some concerns my husband and I raised with the elders around teaching from the pulpit based on a book that encouraged mystical ‘prayer’ practices and taught another gospel we were assured this was a meeting to discuss the reasons for our concerns and went along in faith believing we would be treated with respect and were well prepared to raise the concerns about the teaching, i.e. no references to people. Instead we were not allowed to present the material but were accused of offending others and disturbing the spiritual unity and love in the church. We were told we were ‘angry’ and were lacking in the fruits of the spirit. We came away shell shocked and devastated. We were assured they ‘valued us and loved us’ but that we could not show any discomfort or upset when in the church and stop ‘criticising’. We have been in this church a long time and have good relations with most in the congregation so were totally shocked to be spoken to in this way.